What is one's Dharma ?

persecutedDIL · Sep 20, 2014

Taking a step further from my last post which was about how I experimented to stop initiating contacts with a close circle of family and friends and saw the naked truth, I would like to understand what is my 'dharma' in such a scenario ?
For example, if I realise that people whom I considered friend, don't care much about me, should I continue the friendship actively ? Should I initiate contact ? Why ? What if such a person is a relative, a close cousin or a sibling ?

I would like to know and understand what is the right thing to do and what do our culture and sacred texts tell us ? Shouldn't there be self-respect and ego ? If somebody has never taken the trouble to initiate contact in a long time(let's say in the last 5 years) and I am the only one to take this initiative, what is my responsibility going further ? Should I not take a cue and accept that it is a dead or one-sided relationship ? Or should I just be the larger person and take the responsibility of keeping alive one-sided relationships ? If yes, why? Let's assume that the relationships are all cordial, just that they are wholly one-sided.

Other than a parent-child relationship, is there any relationship where one side must take the responsibility to continue the relationship even if the other side is lost in his own world ?

To be honest, I am looking for some deep philosophical answers. Of course, you can share your own experience in this matter if you faced this.

GoogleGlass · Sep 21, 2014

Philosophical answer if it is, am the wrong one to answer. But I felt like responding.

In the above line if you notice, I felt like responding and it is a voluntary action or thought that ran through my mind on reading yours. I do not know you and you do not know me.

But answering gave me a sense of satisfaction. This is the same feeling you should get if you initiate to mend long lost relationships. And if that gives you a sense of satisfaction, happiness then it is purposeful. If it doesn't then no point, be it any relationship.

Very few human minds are good at not expecting anything back. A response from you is the least I expect, right?

Similarly from initiating contacts, what is it that you expect? Would it make you happy? Think over and make your mind and do that would please you.

There are umpteen routine things in life we do, that don't deserve more than the time spent for the action performed at that moment. Thinking too much about those clutters the mind and becomes a habit, that restricts your future action to a great extent.

Wish I didn't cause frustration to you, too late to ask after having responded at length.

Cheeniya · Sep 21, 2014

Dear pDIL
I don't think I can give you a better answer than GG for your question. This is a clear case of proof of the pudding being in the eating. I can just give you the example of Lord Rama. Of the many wonderful traits of Rama that Valmiki eulogises in his text, he makes a special mention of one. He hails Rama as a 'Poorvabashi'. This term implies that Rama always took the initiative in initiating a conversation. Even when it came to greeting a lowly servant at the palace, Rama was always the first. That should answer your doubt about the dharma part of it.

In continuing a relationship of any kind, all that matters is that we should not be responsible for breaking it. If the other side is not keen to pursue it vigorously, you should not give him a chance to say that you broke it. Of course, one has to be quite weary if he sees some evil design in the other person seeking to continue the relationship.

I had an aged cousin of mine who always sent us a reply paid post card enquiring about our health and well being once in two months. He would continue sending it even if he received no reply from us. Needless to say, he was the most loved of all my cousins. When he died, there were nearly a thousand people attending his funeral!
Sri

Gauri03 · Sep 21, 2014

GoogleGlass said: ↑

Philosophical answer if it is, am the wrong one to answer. But I felt like responding.
Click to expand...

If that isn't a philosophical answer then what is? Beautiful and profound! GG, you say little but each word shines with insight and substance. You should write more.

iyerviji · Sep 21, 2014

Yes Google I second Gauri, now a days you are rocking in Snippets, would like to read more of your threads in snippets

persecutedDIL · Sep 22, 2014

Cheeniya said: ↑

Dear pDIL
I don't think I can give you a better answer than GG for your question. This is a clear case of proof of the pudding being in the eating. I can just give you the example of Lord Rama. Of the many wonderful traits of Rama that Valmiki eulogises in his text, he makes a special mention of one. He hails Rama as a 'Poorvabashi'. This term implies that Rama always took the initiative in initiating a conversation. Even when it came to greeting a lowly servant at the palace, Rama was always the first. That should answer your doubt about the dharma part of it.

In continuing a relationship of any kind, all that matters is that we should not be responsible for breaking it. If the other side is not keen to pursue it vigorously, you should not give him a chance to say that you broke it. Of course, one has to be quite weary if he sees some evil design in the other person seeking to continue the relationship.
Click to expand...

Thank you Cheeniya Sir for your wonderful reply. I did get the answer about the 'dharma' in continuing a seemingly one-sided relationship. With this answer, I hope to carry on with my one-sided relationships a couple more years until I get weary of it and seek more answers.

Cheeniya said: ↑

I had an aged cousin of mine who always sent us a reply paid post card enquiring about our health and well being once in two months. He would continue sending it even if he received no reply from us. Needless to say, he was the most loved of all my cousins. When he died, there were nearly a thousand people attending his funeral!
Click to expand...

Well, you are talking about people from the previous generation. I wonder if the present generation people would be like them.

But yes, nice to know people paid the last respects in full attendance even if they could not reply to the departed soul's post-cards. But this also brings me to one question - I see something like this in my circle as well. When a person is living then they don't bother to enquire about the person's well-being even on phone but when a person dies, they book flight tickets to attend the funerals. Why do people behave like this ? Is it their guilt ? Or genuine concern or something else ?

persecutedDIL · Sep 22, 2014

GoogleGlass said: ↑

But answering gave me a sense of satisfaction. This is the same feeling you should get if you initiate to mend long lost relationships. And if that gives you a sense of satisfaction, happiness then it is purposeful. If it doesn't then no point, be it any relationship.

Very few human minds are good at not expecting anything back.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your response GoogleGlass. I do get a sense of satisfaction and happiness when I initiate contact after months. But what hurts me is the lack of honesty of people or their need to show how busy they were - they will either say that 'Oh I was thinking of emailing/calling you the other day' or 'I was so busy last few weeks else I would call you'.

When they never contacted me in the last 5 years, why would they this time ? And why consider me so naive as to believe them ? Even I am quite busy, yet I manage to call because I truly intended to call. If they wanted they could have managed to call. Why tell a lie.

Yes, I agree I am not too good at not expecting so I expect at least some basic honesty, which is grossly missing. And why does one have that uncontrollable urge to keep showing one is so busy to one's friends/close relatives etc ? That really hurts. And if my 'dharma' is to still maintain and initiate contact, then this dishonesty and affectation hurts and deflects me off the path of 'dharma'.

Viswamitra · Sep 22, 2014

Dear PersecutedDIL,

I am not sure whether I am qualified enough to give a philosophical answer to your question. Irrespective of change of Yugas and change of generations, there is one thing that everyone in human form or everything in any form attempted i.e. to communicate with each other. Can anyone be happy without interaction with fellow beings? We are all in constant pursuit of happiness and if we get it, we need someone to share if we don't get it, we are looking for answers from someone. Therefore, interaction is a must. If I am a Sanyasi, I want to share my experiences with someone and if I am samsari, I am interested in sharing my experiences and learn from the experiences of others. Most important trait one should have in communication is how to listen to the words spoken and not spoken. Some people who have great traits tell me everything about my problems acting as my own conscience making my introspection easier. I am ever grateful to them for attempting to make me a better person through direct communication. Some of them communicate with me about my qualities by stopping the communication with me. Even though it is harder for me to understand, I analyze the rational for their silence especially when I continue to seek interaction with them.

Switching gears to personal transformation, I always confine myself to whatever I am comfortable after I have used my discrimination to analyze what is the right thing to do. I am not here to correct anyone around me but I am here to make myself a better person everyday. Selfishness is derived out of my ego whereas selflessness is derived out of my love for others. If I feel bad about someone's behavior, it is only going to stroke my ego. On the contrary, if I analyze the rational for their silence, I may be able to learn a little bit more about myself. If there is nothing to learn out of their behavior and their behavior is plain and simple inhuman, it is their path and I have no use for their action. I might try to share my feelings once if they are willing to listen only with an intention to help them. If they don't listen, I leave them to choose whatever path they consider appropriate for them.

I only seek the company of good people and I prefer not to segregate them by who is nice to me and who is not. I only read their intentions not the words said or not said.

Viswa

Aria · Sep 24, 2014

GoogleGlass said: ↑

But answering gave me a sense of satisfaction. This is the same feeling you should get if you initiate to mend long lost relationships. And if that gives you a sense of satisfaction, happiness then it is purposeful. If it doesn't then no point, be it any relationship.
Click to expand...

Raze the Lyceums and Academies! If this is not qualified I don't know what will to explain the integration of synchronous philosophy. Very succinct, accurate and Aga-sophical!

Aria · Sep 24, 2014

Cheeniya said: ↑

I had an aged cousin of mine who always sent us a reply paid post card enquiring about our health and well being once in two months. He would continue sending it even if he received no reply from us. Needless to say, he was the most loved of all my cousins. When he died, there were nearly a thousand people attending his funeral!
Sri
Click to expand...

Very Capreasque ending! Hearing incidents like this make me feel clicking that "Register" button in IL was one of the good things I did in my life. Thanks for sharing , Cheeniya. Oh needed to clarify , no I am not mocking, nothing sarcastic, no undercurrent, I love these melting moments of life when you feel life is worth living after all (when I read such anecdotes) hugsmiley