Retired or Not retired?

Originally Posted by Mindian

Nce topic AC,have seen so many such cases in our families...usually parents are very thrilled to go the first time but with age many of them prefer that their son/daughter visit them...who wud want to go leaving the comforts of their own homes and stay in a foreign country with both their children working the full day and they ending up doing all household chores...But it wud be nice if children staying abroad sent the visas and tickets to their parents without expecting anything in return.......then it wud be a wonderful holiday to the elderly ,make them feel wanted and normally parents will always help in any way they can ......

Mindi...

Dear Mindi
You are right in that parents are thrilled the first time.. but as age creeps up its difficult. Yes it certainly would be nice to have a holiday for the parents but how many such generous people are there really?

Originally Posted by roopadadia

A very apt topic with the scenario today.

As Kamla said that it is both ways...but normally i have seen that parents are excited the first time when they visit US.

But if the children are calling them to help them with their kids and home...then i am sure its wrong on their part, specially if the parents are aged (mid sixties and above). We also know that many parents find it very difficult with the harsh winters which they are not used to here, the work load of managing kids and home, not able to go out on their own etc etc.

Even in India we are seeing the same scenario and hence parents are now opting to live away from their children...so that they don't have to lead their lives on the whims and fancies of their kids.

Dear Roopa
You always word your comments so well that I enjoy reading them. I agree with you that the scene is changing in India too. Its better not to live on the whims of the kids.. and again its not easy as we grow old. Though I keep saying that I am not going to do anything, both my hubby and son know I will rush and do all as soon as they call. The only hinderance in setup would be dil has to get along with me:)

Originally Posted by lalitha shivaguru

Dear Ac,

This is the topic which I always argue. When parents have finished their quota of children rearing why again pester them ? They can certainly help us when needed like somebody is sick etc but not on a regular basis.

We have a friend, where the lady was working as a full time and successful teacher. When her daughter delivered, she was there to help her and she has become the care taker of the child. The child also relates to her very well and calls her amma. This lady had to live with dd & sil and her dh lived in a far off place as he was working there.

My question is to earn few money more by the youngsters why they are troubling the senior citizens. At that age to baby sit is also extremely difficult, to run behind the child and feed them after that too get only brickbats by DD & SIL. Is it all necessary for a few dollars more? The mother does not have a rapport with the child. In climbing the corporate ladder, where are we heading?

Myself had to wait for 12 yrs, so that my kids go to school for full time after that I joined for a job so that my inlaws will not have that much of pressure in looking after them.

Lallu my friend
I am glad we both think alike. It really boils down to earning that extra income. Once you have to forego that extra income, you then have to forego so many other fancy things too.. why dont th e concerned GP's say NO to this exploitation.. I have no doubt they are emotionally blackmailed into this...

Originally Posted by sushmavarala

The title of the thread is very apt. I too often ponder over this aspect. These days moving abroad have been the norm and in my opinion it is the old generation who are at receiving ends. With single income and many responsibilities of their sisters/brothers, family and parents they have fulfilled whatever was possible. This generation (I belong to) however with double incomes and in dollars, fewer responsibilities to fulfill still does not allow the older generation to have a peaceful retired life. There are many grand parents who are thrilled to visit US for first time but later on as they age do not wish to travel and spend time their. But still, can’t refuse to travel just to be care takers of their children families in the disguise of spending time with grand children. Parents for sure will be willing to help their children whenever it is required but as a duty and taking turns and staying in a different country where they do not have their own lives, they may not be doing it out of their own wish. Have they retired from one phase and have taken up new job as caretakers? Few days back, we came across an instance where a 55 yr old lady went to US to assist her daughter. She could not stay there due to extreme cold conditions and she had to return back. Within a week’s time the lady expired. What is that this generation going to achieve, a luxurious electronically gadgetted house at the cost of most valuable and delicate phase of parents lives. Probably they realize only when they reach that phase when they find that they have been running all the while towards materialistic things and have not provided any peace to their parents.

Dear Sushma
This is probably the first time I am reading ur comment. so very well worded and concise and covers all aspects. Its seems to me also that extra income is the driving force.. and also taking their parents for granted.. what a pity!

Originally Posted by Arunarc

My Dear Anandchitra
Where have you disappeared not to be seen at all?????????
Now a day no blogs too from your side........ok ok

What a nice topic dear..............don't you think this is the time the kids have to take care of the parents instead, the kids asking such old people to look after they own kids........Looking after kids is a full time job. How come people get so ridiculous, rude pitiless...what not. I know grandparents are always happy to look after the grand kids but, the age u have mentioned it is for them to rest and enjoy life they have worked hard through out they life and at this stage too they have to work.........I feel like shooting such kids who cannot take care of they old parents instead ask them to help in return.

dearmost aruna
usuallywe go same pinch ..but I have to tell how a pretty young woman like u would use the word"shooting".. am shocked to hear.. but a gem of a reply. After working for so many many years we would yearn to put our feet up and take a break..

Dear AC,

A very interesting and thought provoking thread.

Let me tell you about my case. I leave my daughter with my mother from morning 10am till 5 pm. Yes, my mom takes care of her the whole day while i sit in office.

I joined work when i daughter complted 1.5 yrs. I had a live-in maid who betrayed my trust so i fired her after 2 months of work and my mom offered to look after my daughter while i went to work. My mom encourages working women. she infact advocates it.

So during weekdays, my daughter is with her grandmother all day. On weekends, we spend time with our daughter - ofcourse we visit mom for some time on either saturday or sunday.

I feel guilty but the flip side is that my mom adores her granddaughter and waits for her arrival. Even on weekends, she waits for that couple of hours when she can see her grandchild. So, i think in my case, it works both ways. But i know i am burdening her with more work and i feel terribly guilty. To lessen my guilt, i deposit the same amount of money that i would pay if i were to hire a maid into my mom's account.

I realise my mother will also need the money some time, some day...and she shouldnt be in a plightful condition of extending her palm out to me or any of her other children during those times. This money in her account is her hard earned money to be used however she wishes. From time to time on any festival days, i make it a point to buy my mom something - her sarees / gifts as token of appreciation.

To some of you reading this, it may come as a shock.
why pay ur own mother??? its a question my sisters too asked.

I know there are daughters or DILs who think its the mother's/MIL's duty to look after their grandchild. But i dont agree one bit with that kind of thinking.

There are two sides to a coin. This is my thinking and i dont know if i am unjustly using my mother to meet my needs but its a guilt that i live with everyday.

A very interesting topic indeed. Grandparents involving themselves in childrearing responsibilities,teaching the kids morals and guiding them through difficult times is acceptable, if there are maids/cleaners around. But, the elderly citizens are used as substitutes for cooks,cleaners and baby sitters nowadays. Elders are decided to be kept in the house on one condition that they take care of the grandchildren,cook the food, launder their clothes.... Once the parents come home from work, they take the kids from the grandparents-into their room and lock themselves up(calling it spending time together). They will refresh themselves and come out for their dinner made by the old lady, who is then left to clean out the mess.
Having parents with you and taking care of their needs is the best service one can do to one's parents. Its not wrong for both the partners to go out to work, but see that proper care will be taken of your parents/in laws and your kids in your absense. Our parents have gone through so many hardships to make us happy, they will continue to do so without complaining. But, let us not fail in our duty to take care of them and keep them happy. Let us give them all the love and care that we give to our children without complaining.

Dear AC,
Going to the US to look after the grand kids can be a joy given the older couple's health. I have heard of our friend who went there and then there were medical complications and as the traemnet would have costed a bomb they were sent back to India. Many aprents live here in Chennai alone no knowing what the future holds forr them given their health conditions. There are parents who leave the kid wth their parents for the first two years and then when they taken them back to th US or any other country they are left at the daycare.I know of a couple who were ahppy to help their son by babysittung their grand kid, but when they did go they wre given a seperate rooma d the sn and Dil hardly had tie to lokk to their needs , considering that they wre new to the country and needed assistance to get around.
It should be the case where the grand parents and the parents have a amicable situation so that the stay will be enoyable to both.

Retired from office working for the kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Anandchitra,
Whether in USA or India, the grand parents are facing the same problem. Of course when the aged parents have to travel all over to America it is an added difficulty. As Kamla has said, there are a few grand parents who love to visit the States as many times as possible so that they can boast with their friends, relatives and neighbours about their experiences in USA hiding the fact that the whole time there was spent in baby sitting and doing house hold chores.(These lot come mostly from the middle class society). The affluent too have their own set of problems. After bringing up their own children having made lots of sacrifices and compromises especially in the present day nuclear family set up, when they want to sit back and relax in the company of each other, looking back into the past and cherishing the sweet memories, they are beckoned by their children to take care of the grand children.
I can give examples of a lot of my friends, both in India and in the States who are taking care of their grand children, taking them to various classes like music, skating, karate etc. while their daughters/dils are happily off to work. Such people who per chance read this line may come attacking me for having said this. But child rearing is one of the most difficult job not only for grand parents who are into their second innings of the same job but also for young mothers. It is the most challenging job compared to any other job in this world. If a child is not brought up to become a good human being, this world is going to become rotten. We all must have read about the Akbar-Birbal story, where Birbal needs all the skill to stop the child's tantrums.
I do feel that baby sitting should not be thrust upon the grandparents. But if they are young and energetic, and take up the task willingly and at their terms, it is going to benefit the whole family. It is always better to have our own people to take care of the child rather than leave him/ her in the creche.
It would be best, as Kamalji has pointed out, that the mother takes a break from her job/profession till the child starts going to school. In this way, the mother too would get the satisfaction and joy of motherhood and the child too would get the warmth and love of the mother. Again some feminists may raise a voice of protest-"Why mothers? why not the father quit the job?" Nature has made mothers for a specific purpose. A mother's patience and love is not found in the fathers though there may be exceptions.
So my personal opinion is that the aged parents should be given their free space in their retired life.
Regards,
Malathi

Oh My dear Sunkan mam,
i was about to post a reply for this thread and before doing so i just went through the other posts. Oh! exactly the same views you have expressed which i wanted to post here.

Today's life style has changed a lot and i am afraid where it will end as people have started living like separate islands forming nuclear families. Not only in US even in india it is like that only.
I agree in US when GPs arrive they have to depend on daughter, DIL,son or SILfor everything. they cannot go out of their own say shopping or visiting a relative. they have to wait till the week end to be taken. but these cannot be the reason for the frustration. As kamala mam has said many of them take this chance to visit and go around US. US still remains a dream world for many here. You know howmany of the parents purposefully search for a Boy working in US or other countries. and Many of the parents take it as a pride to send their son or daughter to do MS and work in US.

The bond between grand parents and grand children, a child's relationship- bond with uncles(mama), aunts(athais), periyammas, periappas, chithis all is fading away.

As a child i had enjoyed my grandparents', athai's mama's love a lot. My paternal grandpa used to keep me in his lap at night and tell me all panchathantra, moral stories, stories from our epics etc. My paternal grandma used to teach me slokams, small small carnatic thukkadas etc..My athais used to take me to school, if i cried they would sit with me in the school for sometime and they would leave and they used to dance and sing with me and taught me to dance also. my mamas used to teach me school lessons when i went to my mother's house. since my mother was sick most of the years i was at my paternal grandparent's side for some years and then at my maternal grand parent's side. I learnt lot of lessons from these families. No one had any regrets for looking after me and my brother. Any family member could advise us be it mama, athai, mami, perimma perippa or grandparents we had never frowned at them. even now i have a thick bond with my mama and mamis though all my athais and other uncles, grand parents are no more. such is our thick bond.
CAn any grandparent, uncle, athai or chithappa perippa advise a child now? NO. they think that they are entering in their personal life?!. even the parents of the children do not allow these people to advise or ment when the children go wrong. EXCEPTIONAL PARENTS AND FAMILIES ARE THERE I AGREE. They are very few but most of the families i have come accross are like that only as said above.

No bed time stories, moral stories by grand parents now a days..they are available in the form of cassettes and in the form of books "grannys bed time stories" "nany's moral stories" etc...Most of the grandparents are glued to the TV and quite often there arises a quarrel between grand children and grandparents for channels. And parents are also do not find time to interact with children through stories and tales as both of them are working in most of the families. Bed time stories and stories told during eating strengthen the bond i believe. that care given is more..no depression or mood off for teens.

But now all these have weaned away. So if grand parents do the service whole heartedly and if the youngsters care these GPs well helping them out if they are not able to do all the caring work then there will be amicable situation.after all we cannot afford to loose such bonds.

geeth