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NRI'S And Their Foreign Born Kids

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by roshnic, Dec 2, 2013.

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Dec 2, 2013 #1
roshnic Silver IL'ite

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The man seemed from another time, a wanderer like the ancient mariner from the regions beyond the clear, blue sky. You could tell by the gleam in his eyes that he possessed the aura of an old soul connected to the great web of life. When he walked, people followed and when he spoke, his words shook their souls with the force of the new.

One day, a woman came and asked him to speak to her son who she felt was a stranger in her own house. He was born here in New Jersey, grew up to be a fine lad eighteen years old but in her opinion very Americanized and out of control. “In spite of several weekends of culture, language classes, yoga classes, temple retreats, trips to India, he follows a different drummer whose beats are at odds with Indian culture,” she whined in despair. When the woman spoke so openly, other parents voiced their anguish at their foreign born kids. It was like a flood of emotional catharsis suddenly let loose from a broken wall of denial.

“Sit down, beti,” spoke the wanderer, “I want to tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a land populated by monkeys. They lived a life of plenty. There were many banana trees in the island, the water was azure pure and the fruits were delicious. Life was good. Slowly, the word spread and other animals heard about it, and one fine day, there arrived a family of dogs. The papa dog was smart and was admired by the ruling monkeys. The mama dog settled in her routine of raising her puppies and keeping the home fires burning. After a few months, the puppies learnt how to live like monkeys. They climbed trees, ate bananas, screeched like monkeys and had no idea about the world of dogs, nor did they care to know anything about it.

This distressed the papa dog and the mama dog. So they carted off the puppies to the puppy training center where they learned to wag their tails and to yelp like dogs. But when they came back to their monkey neighbors they forgot all about the ways of the dog. They quickly went back to their comfort zone which was jumping trees in the monkey world. For some time, the puppies navigated two worlds and the parent dogs were happy and bragged about how their off-springs were adjusting to both worlds. But when the puppies became dogs and could live and survive on their own, they chose the world of monkeys which they were exposed to since their birth and to which they felt they belonged. They were happy but the parent dogs were miserable. Their children did not belong to the world of their forefathers. They lost the culture of their ancestors. They could not become like their parents and had no idea about the old world and its great traditions.”

The wise sojourner paused in his recounting and continued. “Now, let’s extend this parable to your world, the world in which you grew up. You went to school in India. Did you have to explain to your classmates, why you worship an elephant faced God with a mouse as traveling companion? Did you have to defend your worshipping the monkey God to your teachers? No. But this is something your children have to do from day one of their schooling in America. Did you do anything to enter their world, to even understand the turmoil, of continuously being exposed to an environment that has nothing to do with anything you do in your home or home country?

Look back at your days growing up. You never had to go to Geeta classes, The Hindu center, Chinmaya mission, Vedanta center, or any other organization to learn about Ramayan, Mahabharat, Ganesh, Mahadev, or Chakradhari. All this you learnt from an environment suffused with traditions, rituals, and festivals, from grandparents, aunts, uncles, from temple priests, from the Brahmin who recites the sandhya vandanam, from the baniya who inadvertently lets out, “Hey Ram, kya ho gaya?”, from the many sights, sounds, and the ambience of thousands of years of customs that seeps into your subconscious and gives you an identity via osmosis. Can you give this to your children born in America just by attending sanitized versions of weekend rituals? They cannot understand your world let alone become part of it. When you want them to join your world to cure your nostalgia, or your own ambivalence about living in two different worlds, they cannot comprehend the reason. And when you insist that they become part of your culture, the wall goes up, they become defensive and rail against your judgment.

Now try to enter their world. They are exposed to another great, humanistic, and scientific culture, a culture where merit is respected and hierarchy and elitism is shunned. They have never played Holi with their neighbors but they have gone trick or treating during Halloween. They have never witnessed a whole nation swept by the euphoria and festivities of Diwali but they have seen the pull of Frosty the Snowman and Rudolf, the red nosed reindeer. The myths that build their soul are not the Ramayan or the Mahabharat, but the Wizard of Oz, the Christmas carol, Merlin and Arthur, Huckleberry Finn and tales of the Mississipi, to name a few. Their villains are Fagin and Scrooge not Ravan or Mareecha. Are you comfortable with this world? Can you have a dialogue with them about the roaring twenties, the great Depression, the Mexican wars, the Trail of Tears or the classics such as Casa Blanca or Elia Kazan’s “On the Waterfront?”

“Then what is the solution, O traveller?” asked the woman.
“If you want your child to be part of the old world, soaking in its eternal values and keeping its traditions, then go back to the world you grew up in and expose them to the world you want them to go back to. Do not go to the fancy, gated NRI communities or the sanitized places for foreign born children. They will learn nothing there except disdain for their culture. Let them delve in the common life of ordinary people. Let them swim with the current of centuries old cultural rivers. The elites come and go, their roots are shallow and are easily swept off their feet by outside influences. But the soul of India lives in its people, in their humble homes. As Gandhiji used to say “India lives in its villages.”

Take your children back when they are young and bring them back when they are grown just as you have immigrated at a much later age. If you cannot do that, then let them be happy in their world. Do not destroy their comfort zone without providing them with an alternative. Let them find their equilibrium in their own way and in the meantime, try to learn about their world, volunteer in their world and meet them half-way.

The audience listened spell-bound. A different wavelength of light penetrated the gloom of their minds. Whether it lights up new frontiers with a dazzling brilliance or whether the little gleam of light gets snuffed by the darkness of denial remains to be seen. While they were still pondering on the tattered fabric of their families, the wanderer quietly rose and vanished into the giant shadows of Time.

And the people looked for him everywhere but he was never seen or heard of again. A few days went by and the woman passed by the same place. On the grassy knoll where the ancient old man walked there was a glossy paper. She picked it up and the words were of Kahlil Gibran.

“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.”

When the woman finished reading, she pondered for a while on the mystic words that bared the unfathomed depths of a faraway soul. And as she sat in deep meditation, finally comprehending the stunning impact of ancient truths, she suddenly saw the Timeless wanderer. He smiled briefly and vanished just as rapidly as he had come.

roshnic, Dec 2, 2013

roshnic, Dec 2, 2013

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Dec 2, 2013 #2

getstrngth Gold IL'ite

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Very nice post Roshni. Thanks for sharing. I think the last verses from the ancient old man is not only for NRI parents but for all the parents to register in their hearts.

getstrngth, Dec 2, 2013

getstrngth, Dec 2, 2013

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Dec 2, 2013 #3

Srama Finest Post Winner

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Well written Roshni and a subject I debate about in my head quite often. While I do make an effort to teach our tradition and expose them to all that as much as I can, it is never with the intention that they need to turn out this way or that. My belief is I can only teach what I know and by learning to do my best and yet not imposing, I hope that they turn out to be well rounded individuals making a positive difference in the lives of the people they come in contact with. With the fast changing world, whether in our own country or outside parents I believe have a tougher job and need to find that fine balance to help kids grow!

Srama, Dec 2, 2013

Srama, Dec 2, 2013

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Dec 2, 2013 #4

Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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INCREDIBLE post - insightful and far-seeing at the same time, which is something in somewhat short supply when it comes to this topic.

I was just discussing this very same topic with a dear friend recently, and told her something like, "Teenagers don't need an excuse to find their parents irrelevant, outdated, not able to understand..." - meaning, it doesn't matter what country, but kids (free-thinking ones, anyway) will always feel somewhat alienated from their parents as they try to find themselves and make their own identity.

roshnic said: ↑

Let them find their equilibrium in their own way and in the meantime, try to learn about their world, volunteer in their world and meet them half-way.
Click to expand...

In this situation, the last thing parents should do is give their children ample excuse to feel like the parents come from a completely different world. Your words above, Roshnic, are very important. I suspect a lot of the time, parents missing their own home country seek to absolve themselves or sublimate their feelings of guilt or regret by a rigid insistence on their children following a culture that is, in essence, foreign to the children.

It is the meeting halfway that is vital - both parents and children, and their respective countries of origin, are equally important in this equation. The decision to emigrate permanently is a serious one; its gravity cannot be undermined, or glossed over, when children are citizens and permanent inhabitants of this new country.

My argument in favor of this approach is often met with resistance and a sense of offense, as if what I am suggesting is blasphemous or unpatriotic. But what I am suggesting is compromise, and an acknowledgement of reality.

What is truly blasphemous and unpatriotic is to expect kids in this situation to pay fealty to country of parents' origin, not country of birth, and country of life. There is a balance to be struck here, in order to validate and acknowledge the lives and experiences of both parents and children.

Teaching good values non-selectively means that loyalty, patriotism, fidelity, respect, and tolerance needs to be applied equally to past and present roots. We must remember where we come from, but not in a way that makes us forget where we are, and where we're going.

Ansuya, Dec 2, 2013

Ansuya, Dec 2, 2013

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Dec 2, 2013 #5

oaktree12 Bronze IL'ite

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Yes nice post. I know many families living in usa and making their kids to belong to india. But they must read this post and let not make the child suffer.

oaktree12, Dec 2, 2013

oaktree12, Dec 2, 2013

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Dec 2, 2013 #6

Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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Dear Roshnic,

I am overwhelmed with this incredible piece of writing from you and I don't even know where to begin writing my response. This post is one of the best posts I have read in IL. First of all, I am very grateful to you for articulating a very important topic that remains in the mind of many NRI parents and foreign born or even Indian born but foreign-raised children.

Your post summarizes the minds of both NRI parents and children very effectively. The story of monkeys and dogs is really stunning to explain the struggle that NRI parents and children undergo in a foreign land. It is physically impossible to create a little India within a foreign land as much as it is difficult to create a foreign nation within India.

Frankly, it is a practical suggestion to move back to India if parents want to raise children with fabrics of Indian culture and heritage. But, after children are raised in a foreign country even for a few years however young they are, it is difficult for them to readjust themselves to Indian culture and heritage completely. It will create confused state of mind. To be honest, only thing NRIs can do is to give access to the Indian culture so that they can learn them if they like without force. You have very nicely articulated the struggle Indian children undergo in schools and in their interaction with children of other culture.

Your viewing of the social problem faced by the NRI parents through the prism of ancient truth is simply stunning. Isn't it a reality that children come with their own agenda wherever they are raised? Soul in them has its own agenda. We are merely an instrument through which they came into the world with an intent to do what they came to do. Frankly, cultural differences are peripheral issues when compared to the core values with which each life came into existence. It is more important for parents to understand the purpose for which children came into existence and facilitate them to pursue that more than worrying about adapting to the culture.

Viswa

Viswamitra, Dec 2, 2013

Viswamitra, Dec 2, 2013

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Dec 2, 2013 #7

Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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Wow roshinic,

you always shoot the arrow straight, no hesitation, no shake. the parallel of monkeys and dogs is not just for the foreign born or the nri it is for every parent and child with the fast moving world of today. earlier the generation gap (if it is really a term ) was more than 10 years, today it is not even 2/3 years..the world /society is on a roller coaster and the kids are forced to move on it, it is up to us parents to be let them enjoy the ride taking all the precautions.

people may argue, that if you already know that the roller coaster, and you are not comfortable why do you allow your kids on it. simple, the fear of not giving the child the opportunity to experience the roller coaster and be out of the line, while his peers move forward or the fear of pulling away a opportunity out of the child's way because i am afraid of the effects of the roller coaster.

in short finding the centre of equilibrium is the best way to move forward as a family or we allow toxicity to enter slowly. we start with the no, why's and then move towards blackmail when you hit that wall that gets errected. instead communication, expectations, the reasoning if discussed openly, i am sure that centre can be easily found.

Simple example in my home. my daughter loves to wear shorts and capris. her college has strict rules on dress code. we told her that she can wear it at home initially, she was comfortable wearing it around the apartment complex. slowly she felt that she was not comfortable around men wearing shorts..and she moved to wearing her tracks /pants when she went outside the house. giving her the freedom, to understand and analyse has left me free of her resentment. this maybe a simple issue of shorts, but is a good example, coming from a conservative environment and society as mine.

Shanvy, Dec 2, 2013

Shanvy, Dec 2, 2013

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Dec 2, 2013 #8

Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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I wanted to say the roller coaster is scary or risky...and now with no edit window, it feels hanging, maybe i should not be in such a hurry to complete posting anymore...

Shanvy, Dec 2, 2013

Shanvy, Dec 2, 2013

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Dec 2, 2013 #9

superwoman09 Gold IL'ite

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Roshnic

Superb post. Words very wonderfully used. You very rightly said that if the NRIs want their kids to be Indianised they should return back to India when the kids are really small and let them grow up in India to learn what India is all about. Sadly it is the same NRIs who crink up their nose every time they visit home and say "Oh what filthy roads" or "Drink mineral water only" "How hot the weather is" "Poor traffic sense" and then they expect their kids to appreciate India and their home and be sad when it does not happen. What are they teaching their child by their actions? When one goes abroad after becoming an adult, one learns to appreciate the different customs/traditions keeping aside their base values whereas if one is young it is a part of their life, the experiences on the basis of which they make up life values. That is difficult to be alienated from when they reach adulthood and if one tries to do that the child/youngster feels alienated and torn as his life values and being torn apart by elders and hence the rebellion.

superwoman09, Dec 2, 2013

superwoman09, Dec 2, 2013

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Dec 2, 2013 #10

Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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Dear Roshni,

A very interesting and arresting topic and beautifully handled and crafted!

NRI and his/her kid is a whole new generation. I wanted to say 'evolving generation' and had to aburptly stop myself because it is no more evolving, it is an existing generation, me being right in the middle of it! Yes ma'm, been there and done that. Long ago, my husband and I decided to let the puppies be little monkeys for we did migrate into their jungle after all! No, not even a single ashram or even a Bal Vihar was available for us where we lived. Had to strongly depend on the intution and love and Almighty was kind and all of us, kids and parents, found our niche! A tricky rope walk it was alright.

Unfortunately, no Roshnis were writing such wise stuff to guide us nor could we click on to google to find answers to some of the dilemmas that crossed our path. Not given to following wise souls or wanderers, just a basic trust in good, be it in West or East, was the guiding force!

The poem from Gibran is my favorite and it has nothing to do with dogs trying to be monkeys! It applies to dogs, monkeys and men too. Remember posting it in our IL pages years ago. Have to mention that this is one poem I send as a gift to any aching parent when the bird flees its nest!

Enjoyed the post immensely and if you note that this was nominated by not one but two of our discerning members Viswamitra and Ansuya to the Finest Post of the Month, you can measure the success of this post!

L, Kamla

Kamla, Dec 2, 2013

Kamla, Dec 2, 2013

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