Help Thy Lady !!

YuktiVig · May 20, 2013

I was on my morning walk in a lovely weather in a park. I was a bit tired and thought of sitting for a while on a bench next to two young ladies. I found these ladies pacifying each other on their MIL sagas. I could understand that, they were complaining on how their MILs try to put them down instead of helping and appreciating. The talk comprised of following dialogues used by MILs on daily basis:

"We raised 4 children, you gals of modern age can't even do one ??"
"We did XYZ.. , why cant you?"
"We didnot face any of such problems in pregnancy, I dont understand why do you get it?"
"Ah, you get tired so soon!! Look at us, even at this age,we are more active than you".
"What additional you do?? than just going to office."

Hmm I felt the ladies in pain had a point. But is there a solution ?? A minor discussion over such topics at home will lead to nothing but more mess. Is it not ?
I couldnot help and stopped thinking about it. Trully wondering if this problem can be really solved.
It was like any other day at office and we friends were meeting each other at cafeteria for tea, after a long time. I could see Shruti being quiet at the gossip
session and I could not stop but ask the reason for being one. She said she was upset about her manager's behaviour towards her.
I asked "What's his problem?". Shruti said her Manager is a Lady.
I said "This should be more helpful to you then, as being a woman she can understand your concerns better".
Shruti's reply to me was really strange "That's the problem !! She is a lady and doesn't want to understand my problems. My manager always compare her capabilities to
mine and keeps on saying :"

"I stretch back at office for work, leaving my family, why cant you do ?"
"I struggled to reach this position, why can't other women do ?"
"I left my children, back home and travelled onsite for an year, why cant you do?"
"I worked till last day of my pregnancy , why cant you do ?"
This is upsetting !! Shruti said. How can two people's capabilities be compared? Her situations are different. Her stamina is different.

Our lives are totally different!! Why a comparison then ?? And why should I also suffer, just beacause she has ?

Hmm I felt Shruti has a point !! Even I have noticed many elderly working MILs comparing things to their working DILs and saying :

"We would get up at 5 o clock, cook for whole family a 3 time meal, pack tiffins, go office and work. Come back and serve the family again. And you gals get so tired
without even doing anything !!".

Again my brain went for a buzz and I felt is there really a solution to this problem of "COMPARISON OF CAPABILITIES" ?? I opened a debate amongst my gang of gals at
office. All these younger women had something or the other to complain about silly comparisons being made. Looked like this was pushing their morale and capabilities
down than helping them rise..

Interstingly !! I also realised that all of these MILs think completely opposite when it comes to their daughters. I found certain facts on how a mother feels and
thinks for her daughter:

"I suffered to raise kids, wish my daughter doesn't have to go through all that in her life".
"I worked full time at office without any support back home. I wish my daughter gets all support to manage both house and work with least efforts"
"My darling daughter has to travel onsite, I wish the company provides a travel for her family also"
"I wish I could be with my grand children, so that my daughter can focus well on her work"

I was upset for a week to find how much we "the woman" is "Biased". Biased, at home, biased at work. As the week was nearing to end, I could see that I had all threads
of this problem in my hand but, no ending knots of solution. These threads are still mysteriosly open looking for ends. Why cant I, a woman help another woman ??
Understand her problem?? Think of her wellbeing like I do for my own daughter?? Is there a "woman" in me alive but a "Mother" in me half dead?? Why cant we simply stop
being "Biased" ??
I wish every day, all women get up with a thought of doing something better to make life easier for another woman.
I wish every day, each working woman, full of confidence in self, looks into mirror and promise to help "the lady", she works with and make her life better.
I wish that every woman on this earth does more, achieve more and ofcourse "Give more!! to another woman"

A request from a Woman to a Woman !! Please help thy lady !!

rgsrinivasan · May 20, 2013

Thats definitely an eye-opener and an excellent piece YuktiVij. Liked it very much.
Thanks for sharing. -rgs

Viswamitra · May 20, 2013

Dear Yuktivig,

Comparison is the root cause of many problems. I have to have an attitude that no one should suffer what I had to go through in my life and I need to help a person not go through what I had been through. That should be the attitude. It is true that one understands the pleasure only when one experiences pain. It does not mean that other person should cause it to them in order to make them experience the pain.

There is proverb in Tamil, "Urar pillayai ooty valathal, than pillai thanahave vallarum" meaning, "If we feed the neighbor's children, our child will grow automatically". If every person understands that they need to do everything within their powers to make another person's life better, the world will be a better place to live.

Viswa

rgsrinivasan · May 20, 2013

"Urar pillayai ooty valathal, than pillai thanahave vallarum" - there is another interesting meaning to this quote, Viswa. It is this:
If you cherish your daughter-in-law [as she comes from some other family], your son and your grandchildren will automatically grow well!". You might have already known this.

Sorry YuktiVij, for my tangential reply to Viswa here. -rgs

racr · May 20, 2013

Great post,YuktiVig! A very welcome addition to the IL family! I love the way you have woven different conversations and instances into a common point. Congrats on the FP nomination!

What Viswa sir and RGS say in this context is so true- If I help out someone selflessly(I don't even have to go out of my way), it stands to reason that someone somewhere will help me too,in the same spirit. What goes round,comes round!

RadiantFlower · May 20, 2013

YuktiVig said: ↑

I found these ladies pacifying each other on their MIL sagas. I could understand that, they were complaining on how their MILs try to put them down instead of helping and appreciating. The talk comprised of following dialogues used by MILs on daily basis:

"We raised 4 children, you gals of modern age can't even do one ??"
"We did XYZ.. , why cant you?"
"We didnot face any of such problems in pregnancy, I dont understand why do you get it?"
"Ah, you get tired so soon!! Look at us, even at this age,we are more active than you".
"What additional you do?? than just going to office."
Click to expand...

Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi ( Because a mother-in-law was once a daughter-in-law, too):-(

You're so right! They ought to be more understanding; as only a woman can understand fully another woman's emotional hurt and anguish.

polymorphic · May 20, 2013

Comparisons are usuallly done to make oneself feel better and to justify one's own weaknesses and to show others in poor light. We all feel that we have struggled a lot to achieve what we have whereas others have just been plain lucky. "Dont judge a person until you have walked a mile in his shoes".

arch1209 · May 20, 2013

Hi YuktiVij

Welcome to snippets I loved your write-up. For long I have wondered that women not being able to empathize with other women? What is the reason behind it and then I came across the writings of Bell hooks - In her book Feminism is for Everybody she talks about The Enemy Within or simply internalized sexism

Hooks argues that women or females are socialized by patriarchal thinking to . . . see ourselves as always and only in competition with [other women] for patriarchal approval, to look upon [other women] with jealousy, fear, and hatred. Hooks indicates that patriarchy undermines and represses sisterhood by pitting women against each other in order to further solidify its impermeable rule, and that patriarchy does this by embedding itself as that fixture within our psyches, that “enemy within.”

That is the reason why stay at home moms judge working moms and working moms just stay at home moms. The common theme here is that both women struggle, but they fail to find a common ground in their struggles. Rather than being supportive of each other they try to find why they are better than the other.

satchitananda · May 20, 2013

Hi Yuktivig,

After thinking over this problem at length, I can only conclude that the root of this problem lies in the practice of a woman relocating to her IL's or husband's family home. Add to that the fact that the domain of the "home" is in the hands of women, it results in the mil and dil who are not related by blood being in the house and fighting over the kitchen, house-hold and son/husband.

Consider the other option - the man relocates to his wife's or IL's home. Mother and daughter manage the kitchen and household. Both the men go out and earn. Neither treads on each other's feet. Mother and daughter might have their own fights and disagreements, but at the end of the day they are mother and daughter - they have a bond of so many years. They will eventually make up.

I feel this would be a good solution to the problem.