My journey

[JUSTIFY]Frankly speaking I never knew what life is all about and even now, I am still learning. I had been this shy, sensitive, reserved, confused and introverted girl all my life until I felt that I had to change and learn to live on my own - emotionally. My intention was right but the way I reached it (to some extent only!) has been so traumatising for the hyper-sensitive me!


Initially I realised that I am way too emotionally dependent on my loved ones, be it family (although I took them for granted many times) or friends. I had a hard time getting over the fact that I can be no more with my dear friends because we moved back to hometown. I struggled to lead my life with new people, surroundings and school - not able to let go off my old friends and not able to get along with new people in the new place. Soon, I stopped trying and went with the flow during which more bonding with my family happened. I couldn’t imagine what would happen to me without them. This feeling started when I heard my friend’s mother expired. I was upset for days together. Then life caught on and the thoughts were soon buried inside my head. The next shock was my grandfather’s death. This was the first time I had seen death at close quarters, I was shaken badly. And, the buried thoughts surfaced again. At that time I was 17 (I lived in India then) and the only way to learn to live my life all by myself seemed to be going away from my family - for education. So, I decided I will study engineering and live in a hostel. That could be a starting point, I thought. Luckily, my family was willing to let me go.


So, new place, new people, new life. Till date I think that it was first best move, I have met so many different people, learnt so much about the world, the society, the thinking! Ofcourse, I have shared wonderful friendships. But, I was still not happy with myself. I was still clinging on to others, depending on them emotionally. I set out to change that and I had a long way to go.


My next stop in my journey was going abroad for doing masters. Here again, my family had been very supportive and let me go. I was very happy. New life again in different settings. There was not a single soul whom I knew there. I kept in touch with family and friends back in India. I got along (or so I thought!) with other students. But soon enough I realised life wasn’t going well. With no loved ones around me, I looked for deeper relationships in my friends and entertained whatever they did. Soon, their behavior escalated to hurling abuses at me, misusing my shy & soft nature to their advantage, making me the centre stage (poking fun at me) with other friends and totally ignoring my words. I gave them space in my heart so that I can feel happy with them but they sat on my head and caused a lot of grief. Thanks to these few ‘friends’, I soon became an outcast and no one would talk to me. Being lonelier than ever, I was desperate to have friends.


Finally, my inner voice & I had a long argument and I soon spilled the beans about my plight to folks in India. They were my support system, they helped me realise I am in wrong company. I needed to get out & fast. So, I did, I tried my best to stay strong and answer back. I took my life in my hands and kicked them out of my life. After that, I still stayed there but I was always depressed. I hated myself, I hated my decision to come abroad. I wished I would disappear into thin air. As they say, time is a great healer and it did (if not all). I kept to myself and stopped being desperate for a friend. I got used to living alone. I read many inspirational articles & quotes. Then I realised :


- I have to love myself first.
- I do not need to let go off my self-respect and personal space for a relationship to survive, that is where the relationship starts to die.
- I was always looking for my happiness in others’ actions which is wrong. I am responsible for my happiness
- I was still emotionally dependent on others meaning I got upset if someone didn’t call me back.
- I cannot say ‘no’ to anyone which is where some people start taking advantage.


I set to work and I have to a certain extent changed in my thoughts, behavior and actions. Somewhere around this time, my husband entered my life and he had been this strong supportive pillar all along. I had cursed myself and people I had met who made my life miserable but thinking back I am grateful that I met them, that I fought with myself to become a stronger person emotionally. I agree I am not emotionally detached but from where I was 10 years ago, I have improved a lot. :clap


P.S. It is my birthday month and usually at this time of the year, my thoughts go back to the year or years that have passed and see what has changed - so this post!:hide:

Thanks for reading. [/JUSTIFY]

 

Thank you dear Ambika for your first feedback. Now that I have looked back at the years gone by & did a little introspection, it is time for me to search for that perfect birthday dress ;-) Same pinch for our birthdays in the same month - Wish you happiness always!

 

Dear Cheeniya, thank you for gracing my thread and the warm welcome to the snippets section. I don't know what to say after reading that my post has floored you! Thank you very much.

 

Dear Viswamitra, thank you for adding your valuable points. It was a intuitive decision to post about the lessons I learnt & I am glad I did. If somebody will find this thread helpful to deal with their pain of loneliness like Cheeniya mentioned, I would be more than happy. Thank you for stopping by

 

Dear Geetha, thank you for the feedback. As you & the other Ilites wrote, it is indeed straight from my heart & the lessons I learnt are ones I can never ever forget