Does relying on others means......

Dear friends,

Relying on others means controlling them.
This statement was made by my hubby.

I began to think that i relied on my parents a lot before marriage and after marriage relying on my hubby for many things---including getting groceries from stores to driving children to their classes. Maybe this made him feel tired. Poor me or poor him:confused:

I was thinking on this for a long time and one day something stuck me and got the 'real' meaning underlying those words and asked him, is this the meaning for what you told me that day and he said i was right, which made me more confused on which category i belong to. You will know why i am confused after reading the next para.

--relying on others is not a problem at all, when you are not able to do anything on your own---either physically or financially.
If you can do something or contribute a little bit of your own and want others to do it for you means 'controlling' them indirectly, giving lame excuses for not able to do so.

Is this explanation acceptable or not!

sriniketan

Hi Srini,

You can one more line to first line of last para.
If you rely on others whe you are not in a position to do physically or financially they try to control you.

This made me confused too.Still thinking.................

Thanks Krish for the first FB!
That's right, if we are not in a position to either support the family we are with , physically or financially, the family will sure to control us.
But if we are sound both physically and financially and still don't want to support the family with whom we are, means that we are controlling the family to do everything for us draining 'their time and energy only for us without not being able to attend to their other chores at hand.
Did i confuse you, i am sorry!

sriniketan

No Srini, No need to be sorry at all.I was confused in thinking.
If we see both the arguments seems to be appropriate and that is what made me confused.

You are so true.

It's really confusing but i will collect my mom's ideas(as i am unmarried) then tell you(pakka).

thanks for stepping into this thread, Navpreet.
Keep thinking and pour your ideas.

sriniketan

Dear Bhargavi,
as for me, I am really confused about this topic.
When you rely on someone financially (parents, siblings or husband) they control you and you cannot be independent.
But if you do not rely on people in any manner and want to be free, then you are branded a head wieght person.
If you adjust to your family, then you are called spineless.
If you do not, then you are insensitive.
Oh, I seem to have confused you very much.

But your concept of 'depending on others is controlling them' is new to me.

Varloo thanks for steppin in.
You didn't confuse me, because these are the social norms we hear day-to-day, right.

I was also confused for many days, and I came up with this solution. which i thought is acceptable from my point of view and the surrounding we are in.

This statement came from my husband after looking into the behaviour of my mil.
She can manage many things on her own like putting on the switch, opening the windows, just like those small things, but she refuses to do so and want others to do for her, even if we were in the middle of some urgent matters.
She used to control people 'under' her for such long years, she is unable to do so now, she is controlling us indirectly. (See to it that this statement is made by my DH and not me).
This contributes to the physical level, only.
As for the financial level---she is draining us indirectly too, which i don't want to discuss in this public forum.

(Anubhavatthinaal vandha ponmozhi!)

sriniketan

Dear Sriniketan,

I can fully understand what you are meaning ; exactly what is happening with my brother-in-law [hubby's younger brother]. His wife was sick in the initial year after their marriage, also had a miscarriage. During those days, he used to help her out with kitchen work, washing clothes etc. -- while for cleaning the house they hired a maid. Then she was fine, settled abroad , had a daughter etc. etc. Now it is 10 + years of marriage, still she does not lift a finger to do any housework, cooking etc.

First weeks I helped out by doing double cooking in my place and sending over the food, about thrice a week. Then I slowly withdrew, seeing what is happening & even my hubby got furious at her attitude. Then she hired a full-time housemaid, doing everything --[ even answering the phone calls & feeding milk to her kid ] living with her though she is a housewife !! She spends the entire day watching TV, chatting, going shopping / beauty parlour for which her hubby has to send his office car with driver, 'cos madam will not go by bus/taxi. She hardly ever spends time with her daughter also-- that kids schedule is jam packed with activities ; drawing class, tennis class, karate class, UCMAS etc.

A few months ago, they couldn't bear expenses of sponsoring a maid so sent her home and madam fell sick immediately -- with a bout of cold, that's all ! She got so agitated and frustrated and made a hue & cry of managing the home, so her poor hubby again did all the clothes, kitchen vessels etc. and they hired a maid at quite exorbitant cost who came daily to do cleaning, cutting vegs. etc. She doesn't even iron clothes, all given to outside which is very very expensive here. My poor brother in law is so stressed out , giving in to her demands --- he travelled at least 75kms. daily to get dinner for madam, [in this horrendous traffic ] for 4-5 days last week !

Definitely hubby must help/assist but he is totally under her thumb ; He is so releived when she is off to her mum's place and complains so much about her domineering ways, but the minute she's back......

She is just one huge lazy bum & using him as a spineless 'nice guy' ---

Dear Sriniketan,

your post has made me think. Hmm.....

Taking the pre-party scenario at my home N number of times:

Me....work myself out taking care of all the minutest details right from shopping to cooking and cleaning so that everything is ship shape in time

I rely on my hubby and kids that:
they know where the good (party) table cloths are and switch in time
they keep their personal space clean and tidy
they do the last minute go-over to see all the to-do things are lined (like give a last spray of room freshener and light the candles/get the fire place going) up while i rush upstairs to freshen up.

But they don't seem to know of my relying on them (even after i clearly spelling it out to them) because:

for them the regular (daily use) stained table cloths are fine for the party too
oblivious to their mess
everything is fine as is


so based on your post i am trying to control their natural behaviour?? because their idea of appropriateness / neatness is way different from mine??