Elders Are They Always Right

When elders in the family tend to behave bad where do you turn or whom do you turn to?..

We know they have brought us up with great effort and trouble and so on, but then comes a turn in life when u start noticing that an event could be well handled rather than making it so unpleasant the way it has been made into now by your elder in the family.

Do they take us for granted that we would appreciate or rather be scared not to mention what they are doing is wrong or they cannot think beyond their own reasoning, what ever it is, you are left behind to whisper your displeasure, rather than trying to correct them which is another disaster in the making.

The new wife or the husband or new relations is always under their scanner, they do not appreciate anything out of the routine and don’t feel what they do is wrong at all, abusing people around taking out their pent up feeling with all the wrong words not necessarily called for.

The abusive languages are such which cannot be mentioned here, but it is so easy to address a woman as prostitute and is the easiest method to hurt her beyond any comprehensive limit.

Why does this happen? Are our elders loosing out on their mental stability in the long run, are their frustration taking on a turn to catch attention, are we neglecting them to such a limit that the moment we try to spend the time that we get with them turns out into a volcanic eruptions, pent up feelings, any thing you expect a child to do.

A room full of people that is the father and the sons and their wives and the wife of the man to is unable to shut him up when he is abusing people who have come to see them, Why are they a lot who don’t improve with the situation? Why do we feel we need to step in but unable to? Any takers for these, does any one have an answer?.....sunkan

Hi Sunkan mam,

I would like to share my thought regarding this issue. May be it's right or wrong, but I write this based on my experience in our family. One of the main quality/good habit that our parents teach is "DON'T BACK ANSWER ELDERS" as a sign of giving respect to elders. True that's our tradition, the children should give 100% respect not only to their parents but all elders. Some families follow this as a strict rule. But because of this, some times the children did not get a chance to speak and explain their side. In case if they speak, then that's it..... you don't have respect for elders........ you've grown up now.......you don't care what elders say........ you don't obey..... hundreds of complain would follow. Respect is completely different, it stays in the mind forever. Yes, at time it's been taken as an advantage. And regarding the abusive language, I think it's purely due to frustration. At that age, they feel lack of control and need more attention towards them. I would say they become very very sensitive, even a simple issue would burst up like anything.

Because Indian parents are as such, they sacrifice their whole life in bringing up the children. It's their life. Sacrificing everything......... is not very easy to do. They do so much, they definitely expect the same from the children (especially when they get old). When they didn't get it back, obviously it feels bad.

This is just my opinion.

Hi sunkan,

I must admit you have put in words what I always wanted to ask.....
I have felt that it is the feeling that they know best, makes them think and speak like that. It is the parent or the caretaker in them, that makes them scrutinize everything. Althogh, the emotion behind such abuse is love, it only ends up in hurting everyone. Since they are elders, we never tell them how hurting it was for us. No feedback...no improvement....Also, evn if we tell them not to be so, they cant accept the fact that they were wrong and end up abusing us more. May be it is also their insecurity, and lack of attention, that makes them yell all the time.

I think about it from my perspective. I dont want to be gumbling and abusing grand mother.So, I take care of these things right from now -

I try not to judge everything. There are some choices of our siblings or kids that we feel is not quite right. But it is their choice, and it very important to know what they were thinking when they made that choice. So, I enquire that first, instead of giving my opinion upfront.

I let go of my parent attitude once in a while( I have that even with my Husband at times). I try to tell myself -I may be wrong in the situation. If, I have committed a mistake, I try to accept it to myself as soon as I can. It is very easy to justify my mistake, but hard to admit it.

As for the insecure feeling in old age, only time will teach me to handle it.

I hope these things make me a better person, by the time I am old. Waiting to read other responses.

Regards,
Yamuna

Originally Posted by Aabhi

Hi Sunkan mam,

I would like to share my thought regarding this issue. May be it's right or wrong, but I write this based on my experience in our family. One of the main quality/good habit that our parents teach is "DON'T BACK ANSWER ELDERS" as a sign of giving respect to elders. True that's our tradition, the children should give 100% respect not only to their parents but all elders. Some families follow this as a strict rule. But because of this, some times the children did not get a chance to speak and explain their side. In case if they speak, then that's it..... you don't have respect for elders........ you've grown up now.......you don't care what elders say........ you don't obey..... hundreds of complain would follow. Respect is completely different, it stays in the mind forever. Yes, at time it's been taken as an advantage. And regarding the abusive language, I think it's purely due to frustration. At that age, they feel lack of control and need more attention towards them. I would say they become very very sensitive, even a simple issue would burst up like anything.

Because Indian parents are as such, they sacrifice their whole life in bringing up the children. It's their life. Sacrificing everything......... is not very easy to do. They do so much, they definitely expect the same from the children (especially when they get old). When they didn't get it back, obviously it feels bad.

This is just my opinion.

dear abhi,
this is precisely what i am trying to tell, we have been so conditioned from young never to answer back, we fail to notice the change among the elderly who calls out his own daughter in law a prostitute for no reason, she is an acadamically qualified teacher, who is well reputed in her own way, is it right for the father to call her this? whatever may be the circumstance don't you think we need some one to put them in their place, no use saying sorry later, but the situation is so bad u will never see your children returning to you later, and when you depend on them for your monthly income, you blow it out this way, who is going to be more affected the father or the son...sunkan

Sunkanji,
You are 100% right in putting up the question at the right time. All new things are never accepted so easily by anyone. And so is the new girl in a family. I was told by my mother never talk anything to your inlaws, even if they are wrong. Dont talk back like the way you talk to me, it will create great problems. Keep your mouth shut for 5 years; I asked her after that, the answer I got was either you will get adjusted or they will realise about you.

Lucky me, My MIL was a second mother to me, though me and my FIL had slight misunderstandings. But never people have abused me. But I have been seeing one of my friend being abused so much by her inlaws, when she was unable to tolerate she just took a wise decision of getting out of that family along with her husband. Though she was abused for doing so, now she is happy.

I wont agree that that is the only solution, but it is also one of the solutions when you cannot tolerate. Elders also should learn to understand that the youngsters also have their own feelings. You just cant talk anything about anyone just like that. The elders should also remember that they were also youngsters once. You cannot simply say that we have also crossed that age, dont we know. The previous generation is there to guide us definitely but it is not 100% guarentee that their guidance will always be correct.

Most of the marriages break just because the mother of the girl teach the girl wrong notions about MILs and SILs and some of the marriages break just because the MILs think their DILs as their competitors.

Who ever be it it is always necessary to think better before they talk. I am not against the elders or against their guidance but I just want the elders to be careful while they talk and before they abuse their children be it their own sons or daughters or Son-in-laws, and DILs.

I feel most of the youngsters have good thinking these days.The elders take advantage of any situation and behave as they please.They always have one saying we are old no one will respect us.There should always be compromises on both sides the youngsters as well as the old people.The older generation have rigid ideas and never change.Luckily my mother in law is very adjustable,which is why is she is well liked by the next generation as well.We should allow the younger ones to have their say and then decide.

Dear Sunken
Elders may be wrong at times. The just & logic are not necessarily only with elders, many times younger generation may be right as they have more awareness of the current times ,situations & every thing.And if elders r wrong it is necesary that we correct them with all reagrds & respect explaning the situation but most of the time they dont accept the newer challanges & situation due to their pipe vision.
using abusing words is always wrong weather the user is parents or inlaw & shudntt be accepted as part of life.

Originally Posted by kanaka Raghavan

I feel most of the youngsters have good thinking these days.The elders take advantage of any situation and behave as they please.They always have one saying we are old no one will respect us.There should always be compromises on both sides the youngsters as well as the old people.The older generation have rigid ideas and never change.Luckily my mother in law is very adjustable,which is why is she is well liked by the next generation as well.We should allow the younger ones to have their say and then decide.

dear kanaka,
they say it is a tanjore slang now that is even more worse, yes i have heard men in our family also use this sometime but after my grandfather died, it came down drastically and after my father it just vanished, but the older lot always use these abusive without understanding the impact of these words, like in iyers, mundai, moodevi and kammanati is a very common stuff but not anymore, yesterday i watched kalki by k.balachander and when i found m.n.rajam, saying shaniyaney shaniyaney i went mad, this thing should not be allowed in films too, lest may help the younger lot go in for that...sunkan

Originally Posted by jaishree9

Dear Sunken
Elders may be wrong at times. The just & logic are not necessarily only with elders, many times younger generation may be right as they have more awareness of the current times ,situations & every thing.And if elders r wrong it is necesary that we correct them with all reagrds & respect explaning the situation but most of the time they dont accept the newer challanges & situation due to their pipe vision.
using abusing words is always wrong weather the user is parents or inlaw & shudntt be accepted as part of life.

dear jaishree,
for them it is always a lighter note because they have been using it all their life, so now when the new relatives do not understand they are surprised..sk

Dear Sunkan,
U have raised such a gud question.
This is the current dillema for people like me.I come from a family where people r scared to raise their voice least the neighbors can hear them.
We girls have had a v strict (but v pampered) upbringing.Things like girls must not talk loud,must not laugh loud and must never ever back answer has been thought to me since birth.
But as a daughter in law of another house I have seen people there taking advantage of the v same qualities that my parents have given me.She never back answers so we can talk anything to her.
Any person,be it even God,cannot use abusive language to a woman just because she is from another house.But who on earth can tell them these things.Once u point out the mistake of an elder,the topic gets a 180 degree change.It changes from the elder using bad language to the younger ones not respecting them.
Somehow we still swallow all the insults in the name of respect to elders.But as they say when the dam breaks there will be havoc.
But gud one sunkan....really appreciate that there is somebody who feels something similar..