Youuuu Asian Parents...

Dear Bhargavi
Very interesting topic. I have not heard of this in my home but maybe i will someday. We are slightly liberal i think. never thought i'll say it but after reading that you dont alow for sleepovers I think this way. we have only one child so we have had to encourage his friendhsip with other boys and so sleeppvers are a common occurence. mostly its at my home so no problem but occassionally its at others houses too. I know the parents and make the effort to get to know them before i send my son over. So far we havent had the issues like dates or staying late out etc but when we do I am sure I'll hear about this. Also thanks to Shanthis article. very interesting info.

Thanks AC for your response.
I can understand the situation what you are talking about. But this phrase is used often even if we allow them to stay for sleepovers and say no, the next time.

sriniketan

I know what you mean - if we give permission for one thing, and say no the next time its become "so unfair"!! Chitra, I dont know if boys are different than girls - everything is such a big deal to them - I have heard that boys are not too bothered what their friends do, etc. I too have an only child - so sleep overs has been there for a long time in our house.

Hi Sriniketan,

I think they say it just to annoy us. It is the peer pressure that makes them say it. They see all other kids talking that way and want to see if they can get away saying the same. My standard response to my daughter and son when they say this is "This is how i want my kids to be I don't worry/care if I happen to be asian/african/caucasian. It is their duty as my children that they adhere to my rules" They are always welcome to point out what my duties are as their parent.:))

One interesting anecdote....By accident happened to glance at one of my daughter's emails long time back (believe me it was by accident....hotmail account does that if you have 2 instances and refresh one, you end up with going to other person's mail box) where she was giving the treatment to one of her friends for him referring to his parents as "Penny pinching indian parents who do not give enough pocket money". ...."remember these are the same parents that make sure that you have a college fund and put you through college with out burdening you with student loans and also who take relatives in with out questions when they are in bad times"

Thanks Blondie for your FB.
We don't want to encourage 'pocket-money' only because of the reason that my elder one is like the one who will buy when something is cute or looking good without even thinking whether it is useful or not.

I appreciate the way your daughter has answered to that e-mail and I am proud of how good you are doing your duty as a parent.

sriniketan

Blondie - so true what you have said. Sometimes when my daughter says "so and so's mother lets her do this" - I say to her - is your name "so and so" or am I Mrs. ...(referring to so & so's mom). No - let us deal with this issue as you and me and not someone else.

Pat yourself on your back Blondie - when you hear you kid talk like that - you know it is all so worth it!!

I was reminded of one incident when we asked our daughter not to go for a meeting in the mall, where she is a Teen Board member.
One of her friends gave her a ride to the mall and told her to go to the meeting for which my daughter refused to go citing that she is not allowed to go.
This incident was told by my daughter herself when she wants to claim that she is a good girl listening to her parents and we should let her go.

we feel proud of them at those moments but sometimes we feel...oh..

sriniketan

Hai,
nice discussion. You all talk of sleep overs of teen aged children. this happened last week.
My niece studied here in Chennai and stayed with us. Now she is working in a bank. She stays in a hostel near the office, half way from our home. She comes over in the weekends. Sometimes, she doesn't come also. I leave it to her.
My hubby is a very old type person in some things. My son could have have a normal childhood due to his problems so he can entertain himself. There is not much of a problem, there is no time for all these now, what with the studies etc.
My niece went out on last Sunday with her roommate to Purasaiwakkam, went shopping and bought a saree for herself. Since my hubby was in the office, she called in later and told him of her outing. My hubby was angry with her for going out with her roommate adn buying saree etc. He says that she could go alone or with me, but not with a room mate.
I myself do not understand this, I feel that my niece should go out more. She never goes out anywhere with friends only with family.
When I asked my huuby what he would do if he had a daughter, he says that he will not allow his daughter. I do not understand this. I have enjoyed going out with my friends while I was young, much to my mother's chagrin. I would also find it normal for my son to go out with his buddies, making sure that the fellows are okay. I want them to have that experience also, so that they will know what to do if and when they are alone.
But making DH understand this.....

hi Ilites,
I am one of the 'Youuuu Asian Parents...' group. my son is a teenager (teen who ages the parents ) !
I am liberal in some ways and strict in some ways.
Sleep overs are ok with me. Most of the time all his friends are in my basement. But when they try to use the basement window as a door, i put my foot down. Group studies, ok with me. But I will check/question them after they are done. All of them! Go to the movies, fine as long as my son's grades are good. Pierce his ears? Fine. Get it done in front of me.
And, NO.. he cannot got to school without a shower. No, he cannot put up semi naked women posters in his room. No, he cannot play basket ball with girls at 9.00 in the night. No, he cannot disrespect his teachers however bad they are. No, he cannot tattoo his behind. Blah blah blah...!
The High School Principal called me. I got a heartattack thinking my son is in trouble. But you know what...?!! She called to compliment my son's positive attitude, courteous behavior, hard work, helpful nature, excellent grades/tennis etc. She thanked me for sending him to their school!!
I'm So Sure most of 'Youuuu Asian Parents...' are like me. We have our values and priorities deeply carved into us. At the end of the day... we are fine.
I'm proud to be a 'Youuuu Asian Parents....' and I'm So Sure of it!!

regards,
Sharada

Sosure - what you say rings very true to me - my daughter just finished high school - and some of the things that you mentioned happened in my house too. All her friends were welcome in my house - we finished our basement so that she could hang out with her friends - both boys and girls were welcome in our house - I would always welcome them and talk to them and they knew me. I gave them their curfew - sometimes not to my daughter's liking - they had to leave our house at that time. Going to movies - same situation. Cell phones have been great in tracking her down much to her chagrin (sometimes!) On the whole, I feel, we need to give them enough room to enjoy their teenage years - yet make sure we are there to keep an eye. The last few years have been a learning experience for me - sometimes hindsight is 20/20!! Your mention of the posters brought back memories! When I was growing up in India - had posters of Imran Khan and Vinod Khanna - my favorites - ( all fully clothed!!) My parents never objected to that - my daughter had some posters - as long as they were decent, I was OK with it.