The whole thing is to shift into making conscious choices!

[JUSTIFY]
I have never been good at making resolutions, so forget about keeping them! They are oh so long term and that is intimidating, very! So I convince myself that I set intentions - many times in a year, only to realize that just mere intentions are not good enough! So comes along the next word "goal" - yes it can be short or long term and just when I realize that this is something I can work on, I realize that goals without plans are mere wishes! Now now, I know I am a planner and I do plan but what not everyone knows is my plans have to change - constantly and consistently to accommodate the life I have role playing, as a mom, sister, wife, friend etc.

So what am I talking about here? No not certainly about the "me" time! I get plenty of it. I simply have to ask my DH or immerse myself in a book or a drawing! I know all this is helping me become a better person every day. And no, I am not talking about the "role playing/structured way of living" - we have enough boundaries set by ourselves and the society we live in to accomplish those. We get up, drag ourselves, yes even with enthusiasm many a times thankfully, because the school has a set time the kids have to reach in, the office has certain expectations, the 'to-do' list to be accomplished before the kids get home, the gym to hit, the bills to pay - all of this helping me feel accomplished and in control of the roles I am playing in my day to day life. Not a bad thing huh! I seem to be living the life well and full by any normal stretch of imagination.

Well, then very often out of the blue, I am reminded of my grandmother - the way she felt a compulsion to want to sit in prayer or meditation. So what if it was at the prime time of the day when my own mom was struggling to get us kids and husband ready and out in time. My mother sure could have used another pair of hands, then. But my mom seemed to understand my grand mom's need and the proof came when she herself became like my grand mom later on when we were more grown up and old enough to take care of our needs. Now what fascinated me the most about all this is how they could sit quietly without actually doing anything - oh yes I hear you, they might be in sync with what's happening around them and listening to every word but the fact is they could sit and let us not assume it was in sheer laziness - they were the most active people I have ever known! You know that kind of sitting around is different and here they were clearly working towards a goal, apparently and hopefully towards focusing on their inner selves.

The hardest thing is just to be quiet or to do an activity deliberately - for self, like when my mom and grand mom would spend a set portion of time making those cotton decorations to adorn God with or any other such activity that was done simply because they wanted to! I think about this often for the battle, resolution, goal, wish call it whatever it is, that I am trying to get over is to bring in a daily practice of quietness be it either through yoga or meditation all by myself hopefully at the same time, everyday or to be able to sit and browse the internet only so long and no more or to read a book only till the allotted time and not get carried away or to spend just the right amount of time on that drawing and get back to it with the same focused attention!

I know I also love exercise be it spinning or yoga, but the only time I am able to do this is if I am with a group of people. I do run, run alone too but then I seem to need the company of my head phones at least. I often wonder as to why it is easy to do when expectations are set/supported by the outer world and so hard when it is set by my own self, why sometimes it is so hard to get up and practice those asansa, so hard to keep that book down, to stop that drawing that I am so passionate about or to even pick that brush up to begin that drawing without thinking about what needs to be accomplished next as soon as I keep the brush down, again. And then, I found the answer, as always in the book "Mystics musings", explained like this and I quote -

"Now the whole thing is to shift into making conscious choices. Even a simple act like waking up in the morning, sometimes, the unconscious choice is that you don't want to wake up, because with light comes today's stock prices, with light comes today's problems, with light comes the whole world into your life. So you are trying to unconsciously to screen yourself from all that; but now we make a conscious choice. Even after you wake up, the unconscious choice is that you want to drink a cup of coffee; the body feels comfortable with it. But now you can make a conscious choice, "No, I will have a cold water bath and do yoga asanas".

Why ascetic paths were set is simply because of this: you start doing things that are not naturally comfortable for you. Once you start doing such activity that is uncomfortable for you, you do it, but you don't like it. If you have to do something that you do not like, you can only do it consciously; there is no other way to do it. Yes? Things you like, you can do compulsively, but things you don't like, you can only do consciously. You start doing everything consciously; there is no other way to be. Now, slowly you are practicing how to be conscious in various situations in life. When you are hungry, the natural urge is to grab food and eat. But now you pause and make a conscious choice. Early morning you want to drink coffee, but you sit and do your yoga kriyas. You cannot do it any other way but by being conscious about it. Drinking coffee, you can do in unawareness. I am not saying you cannot do that in awareness, but you can easily do it in unawareness. Now, you cannot do your kriyas in unawareness. You have to be aware. So like this, you are cultivating awareness into different aspects of life. May be initially your awareness is only for half an hour a day, but gradually you are bringing awareness to more aspects of life - it only enhances the quality of life"
PS: I have shortened some of the sentences from the book to be in more sync with what I am thinking!

I found the answer to the question ("I wonder as to why it is easy to do when expectations are set by the outer world and so hard when it is set by my own self.") I had raised in the previous paragraph in this sentence alone "Now the whole thing is to shift into making conscious choices." The only way we can see the intangible benefits of a goal, an idea that we have set for ourselves is by making it a conscious choice. I cannot help but wonder if by making these conscious choices we learn to be less guilty and right now, the answer seems to be a big yes.

So with that intent/resolution/goal/idea of at least learning to make conscious choices and hence making the changes, I wish you all a Happy New Year!

[/JUSTIFY]

 

Perfect Kamala just perfect.

That is all I was trying to say, even to myself. I realise just like you mention only later in life that conscious action is so important and am neverthless glad to be practising it even if late! Now like you, I do try hard to impart the values to my kids - conscious effort and consistency what a great combination.

Thank you for your feedback and lovely comments. I couldn't ask more!

 

Thank you JAG, you made my day! I can get verbose and always worry about loosing sight of what I want to convey - to others and myself. Your response makes me feel better and am all smiles. Thank you for your response and your wishes JAG!​

 

Absolutely absolutely not Shanthi. I can totally understand for I have going through the same for the last couple of months! So I am only happy to know that there are others and known to me who understand - that makes it all more wothwhile!

That is what I was trying to say - for our elders to reach certain habits, they must have started early with baby steps and I was wondering about how as a child I missed where as my mom seemed to be aware!

Of course you and I know that it cannot be understood in a day and implemented - I think it is that constant remider that will help them and us later on! That is all we can do, as paarents keep imbibing and it would have certainly registered!

the truth is I happen to have the book and i am only glad to open at any page on a day and just read what that page has to offer or not for that day! It has been so long since I have read a book back to back that I am pining for it so much!

Thank you Shanthi and you know that means a lot. Like I have said many times, when I write down it is usually to clear my own thinking and in the process if someone else can relate, i am happy. And the reason I write here, I love the different insights I get and it is always fun to learn and see that there are others who are thinking on the same lines!

Thank you shanthi and thank you for your feedback!