Why this difference?

We were on our usual morning stroll and one of my friends asked whether everyone have started deepavali preparations.
I asked my friend if they would celebrate deepavali this year as her father had passed away only a few months back. Then she told “YES. only if it is anyone from husband’s side we wouldn’t celebrate. Since it is from my side, we have the festival”.

Why this difference? My friends, why this difference? Is the grief of the lady in anyway less than that of the man? When a lady loses either of her parents will she not be grief stricken for at least some time as the man does. If someone from the husband side dies we don’t celebrate any festival till the first year anniversary is observed. But if there is a death in the lady’s family then there is no such thing that we shouldn’t celebrate the festival. Loss is loss for everyone and why such differentiation. Have they told anywhere in our Hindu Sastra that it should be like this only? And if so why at all? Pls clarify my friends.

Dear Sujatha,

This is one question I have been asking everyone in my family ever since my uncle(mom's brother)passed away last month.All his sisters including my mom can celebrate Diwali but his brothers don't have Diwali this year.Again I feel this is one of the many baseless ideas of the male dominated society.My mom said shastras do permit it as her gothram is changed to my dad's.Anyway my mom is not going to celebrate Diwali this year as change in gothram doesn't change her relationship with her brother.

Rgds
Rekha

Dear Rekha, You r absolutely right. Change in Gothram doesnot change the relationship with one person. Having born in this world we r always our parents children and no matter whether we r married or not the relationship remains the same. I donot know why this society doesn't understand this. Thank you Rekha for sharing your thoughts.

Hi

sometimes I also think about these things and feel very bad about these rules in our society.
but I heard its different in malayalam community and lady carries the name of her family to her kids and she is the heir of her maternal family. I feel so good to hear that.
I think malayali community has good rules in this regard.

but in our community especially marathi and kannada communities..daughters should compeltely forget their maternal family then the in-laws will be very happy.
I dont know how we can change these old rules which are rooted in the society from ages.



Regards
Jaishree

Dear Jaishree, Thanks for your response. It is not possible to change our society overnight. Men should become broad minded enough to give up their male chavunism and understand the genuine feelings of women. Only this understanding can change the society.

Hi All,

My dad passed away this may, so i do not want to celebrate diwali, though my gothram has changed and according to hindu shastra, i can celebrate but i do not wish to celebrate and throw parties which we usually do every year. Even in my hubby side, his granny passed away this year but they dont follow and they want to celebrate by throwing a diwali party, whereas i am not interested. So i told them that they can have their party in my BIL's house. I dont mind joining them as they want me, my hubby and daughter to be there. But i dont want to new dress/make or exchange sweets/crackers/prayers. I will just go there like anyother get together.

Did i say something wrong by not letting them to celebrate the diwali in my house?? I cannot refuse to go to their house as i do not want to stop my hubby and daughter to celebrate (my hubby is not interested, is happiness is where my happiness). My MIL is here for diwali.

Thanks for starting this thread.

Bala

Dear Bala, Thanks for your kind response. It is nice that ur husband is not pressurising u to celebrate the festival when u donot want to celebrate. So nothing wrong in respecting his feelings and participating in the party in yr bil's house. Have a nice time.

It all matters upon the minds of the people. In olden days just think of joint families and when other kids are wearing new dresses how can the children be denied. Say for instance when their maternal grandparents or some maternal relative passes away, though the mother have her own sorrows she will have to celebrate it for the sake of her own kids.

But now we are in nuclear family and yes if we dont want to we need not celebrate, but denying the enjoyment to he kids is not a fair one. So let the kids enjoy, let us watch them enjoying it.

Last yeat my maternal grandfather passed away, though my mother didnot celebrate it and my father too respected it, we had invited my parents to our house and they enjoyed watching the grandchildren bursting the crackers.

Dear Rajmi, Thank you for your nice words. U have brought in a different angle of thinking. But my question is will the same not be applicable to the husband also. Will he celebrate the festival for the sake of kids keeping aside his sorrows? The rule that is applicable to the wife should be applicable to the husband too isn't it? If each one respect the other person's feelings then this question does not arise.

Dear Sujatha
IT all comes down to the patriachal socitey we r living in . The malayali & few other communities have matriachal societies & so the daughter carries the name. In olden days it was also to bring some sembivalence in the families- do & donts .
But any celebration is in my opinion is how ur mind set feel abt it ,in midest of it some may be not part of it as others. In nuclear family we have observed that this depend on the mindset of ur husband . When my mum & papa died we didnot celebrated diwali .
On both occassions we both me & my husband visited my parent's place .
In northern India actually most of the relatives visit the decased close family on the day to give moral support to them & start the rituals in microscpoic ways like pooja etc .Relatives like aunt & uncles may bring some crackers for kids & some sweet for pooja as it is said that pooja must not discontinue so some aunt or sister do it.