I am a Tyagi, not by choice, of course!

Chitvish · Apr 19, 2011

I am now anxious, if you will all think that I am a freedom fighter etc, after reading my title???
No, no, not at all! I am not a person, cut out for the ‘political front’!! Nobody gave me this title – I call myself thus!

By now, you are all familiar with what a “splendid” person, I am married to. But I have not shared with you that he is hailed as a “karma yogi” by our friends!! He reads Gita everyday, follows it to the extent possible and hence this name. But people forget that if one has to be a karmayogi, there has to be a corresponding / supportive spouse who has to be a tyagi.

He NEVER eats out (for family weddings, I make his food & carry to the kalyana mandapams – don’t think that he will eat only Chitvish cooked food, no, not at all. It has to be home cooked food – daughter or DIL’s is also good enough.)
His not eating out has heavily cost my taste buds! I really do not know what restaurant food tastes like!!
Saravana Bhavan sambar?? No.
Ajnabhi Gujarati thali, no!
Sri Mithai dhoklas, a big no,
Express Avenur Rajasthani thali, an emphatic no!
I am mentioning only small pleasure – eateries, not Dakshin or Kabul or New Yorker or The Pinnacle or the Gallopin’ Gooseberry!!
Knowing that I am a foodie, imagine how tough it is for me to play the role of Tyagi!! When my children go with friends or their own family, I feel like an odd person out, even if they invite me!!

He does not go to theatres, meaning, as a couple we have never gone to see a movie all these 51 yrs. If this is not thyagam /kurbhani/ or sacrifice, what is? I am happy eating home-made khubani ka meeta!!

BUT
Though he is not ready to change his habits,, his heart is agmark gold.
Though he does not involve himself in any of my activities, he does not stand in my way – in whatever I want to do. He has great confidence in my judgment & so, I call him the silent support for me!!

He is a perfect gentleman in every way. By nature, he is a loner and hardly communicates with me! Heavy silence rules our home, the whole day! Over a period of time, I have learnt to live with it and in fact I have started enjoying my own company, if there is such a term. I have learnt to live in the spaces between my thoughts. Sometimes, I wonder if I am wedded to my laptop / IL!???

Probably that explains my enthusiastic interactions with all of you in this forum, which is slowly becoming my second home. He is highly self-willed, stubborn by nature and always a “hard nut to crack”. I have realized in life “ vittu koduppathilum oru sukam irukkirathu!”!!
Of course, let me admit frankly that sometimes I also do “chinna meenai pottu periya meenai izukkirathu”!
But he has always given me the right amount of freedom and never questions me on my decisions. Also I cannot help mentioning that he is the most integral part of my life, even though I am aware the reverse is not true!! – not indulging in self pity, please don’t think so. He is the fulcrum of my very existence!!

archana.kc · Apr 19, 2011

Chitramma,

It is a beautiful post. In today's world where we commission a personal research study on the guy's friend's friend and think way too much, I wonder if the generations prior to mine lived a life much simplicity. The idea of "vittu kuduputhu" is sadly equated to "losing identity" today. Not to mention - I think, as a generation, we have totally misunderstood the idea of equality today. It is so wonderful to read the way you have lived of knowing, understanding and creating a life on your own, IL et all.

I have met "The Mr. V" and he is one of the most amazing hosts, great person to talk to indeed. On another note, His loss is our gain Loved the post for the touches of humor and food ( your khubani ki meeta is certainly better than kareena's kurbaan, trust me)

Love,
Arch

Padmini · Apr 19, 2011

Dear Chitra,
By calling yourself a ''Tyagi, you have wonderfully narrates how a successful married life should be !!! Kudos to you!
Marriages are said to be ‘Made in Heaven’, but heaven does not decide the fate of a marriage. It is you who can make your marriage successful and your marriage life happy. Making a marriage life successful is the responsibility of both the partners. Both of you have taken this motto in your hearts I believe.Successful couples know that, however much love there is, marriage can bring this trapped feeling. They encourage each other not to be always 'us', to take 'me' time, to have 'me' hobbies and even 'me' friends. This way, each partner brings individuality in to the marriage, keeping it fresh and alive.

In our case he is very fond of bondas, bajjis made in hotel and used to buy daily. One day in my anger I asked him" Why you are buying all these unhealthy things when I am making at home ? " I became speechless when he answered" It is tastier" !!! I can only:rant. So being a " pativrata" I also began to like it. In my case chinna meenai pottu kulam dhaan nirambhiyadhu !!!!!Those experiences I can tell you in person and enjoy !!!A wonderful post!
with love
pad
pad

satchitananda · Apr 19, 2011

Chitra Ma'am,

Reading your posts, I was wondering whether you were narrating the story of our household!!!!!
There are about 95% similarities. The only difference Ma'am is that I buy whatever I want and offer it to dh. If he says he does not want it, I say excellent, God has been very kind to me to give me parents and a husband who do not want the nicest things in life. So I help myself to everyone's shares . After all I don't want to force them to eat what they don't want, I am socially conscious and so won't allow food to go waste and also believe in being kind to myself - if dh does not eat, why should I deprive myself after all! So there is peace and happiness all round!

The results are of course very visible, but who cares. Even if I did not indulge myself, the steroid like pollutants in the air would ensure the same results. So let me at least pamper myself and be happy with the same consequences.:biglaugh:biglaugh:biglaugh

Malar2301 · Apr 19, 2011

Dear Chitra ma,

Everyone of us face such kind of things in our married life to a greater extent...but those turned out to be sometimes burning flame or anger or hate. Sacrifice is essential for a married life...and it should be tied with love...so that it won't be felt as a painful thing...

I liked your way of portraying the "tyagi" in a very positive manner...thanks for sharing...sometimes I feel very happy in sacrificing and at times when my ego peeps in...i act the other way...but when reading yours definitely my ego will come down at least to some extent....Thanks again...

Mindian · Apr 19, 2011

Dear C,

So, behind every karma yogi is a tyaagi, I gather. And the world sees and appreciates only the karmayogi. No wonder the "tyaagi" wants to declare that "hey, it's me…his supporting wife behind all that". :biglaugh

Frankly I think he is lucky to have got you ( hahaha did you want to hear that??? ) because I do not think I have the patience ( maybe I would have developed it if I had got a stubborn husband ,after all marriage is a huge thing …in my case my dh is very laidback and not particular about most things except when it concerns our daughter) with anyone who is very set or rigid in their thinking but the qualities most important especially in a spouse are he MUST be a good human being and give you the freedom to be yourself. Anything else is an adjustment that one should make IF one believes that marriage is for Keeps.

Re the "not eating out" part I can't help thinking that you must have spoilt him…and really, why should he when he gets everything at home??? I am with him on this one.:cheers

shakambari · Apr 19, 2011

Oh,Chitra Ma'am...Hilarious...
Do I get a feeling of Deja vu?
Sometimes,marriage makes us all thyagis -not by choice,of course...
As long as we are unscathed by our sacrifices and are able to laugh at it... fine...That's how I take it!

sublakshmi · Apr 19, 2011

Hi,

Nice and wonderful post. I liked it as many things happen in our life too. He is so silent he can even stay for days without talking. As u mentioned we have never been to any parties or cinemas together. He is also stubborn. But, he has given enough freedom to me and my children are there to break the silence in our home. Many things happen which I cant narrate beautifully. As rightly Padmini quotes marriage needs lots of sacrifice , sacrifice done with love and not by force.

Have a nice day.

Chitvish · Apr 19, 2011

archana.kc said: ↑

Love,
Arch
Click to expand...

Dear Arch,
Thanks for 'flagging off'!!
Our generation had a simpler life mainly because it was deeply ingrained in our minds that marriage is for keeps! Only"adjustments", no other word!!
Amma used to say, "how you are brought up by me reflects on how you work on succeeding in your new relationship".
My pirandam & pukkam were diametrically opposite.
By the standards of 50's, we had a "modern upbringing" in Madurai!!
But my in-laws were steeped in tradition, old-time values etc. For quite some days, I could not make head or tail of how I should get familiar with the new environment. More than doing something, I was not sure, what not to do!!
Vish, like perhaps all men, thought that his parents should not get offended in any way rather than understanding his young wife was in "thikku theriyada kaattil"!:spin
For my generation, I would say, creating understanding with the in-laws was more challenging than the same with the spouse!!
But, Arch, you are a traitor (traitress??). You have all admiration for only for
"The Mr. V".:rant
I am also not a bad hostess, Arch!!:hide:
Thanks for coming to my thread.

Chitvish · Apr 19, 2011

Padmini said: ↑

Dear Chitra,
]
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Thanks, Padmini!!
You are a perfect pativrata, eating hotel bajji to please him; I am a pativrata (at times perhaps), by not touching anything from the hotel.( lack of opprtunity is the correct reasn, ofcourse!)
My son is in the same mould very much & so I always advise Chitru to develop Tyagi mentality. But she belonging to the next generation, is more smart.She has made clear that Sat is his "night out" with her, whether he likes it or not!! I am really happy that she is a contented person that way.
You write
chinna meenai pottu kulam dhaan nirambhiyadhu
That shows, you did not put the 'thoondil' properly!! Too late to start, but!!:hide: