Dial F for Fake

The guy gave me a close look. "Is your eyesight okay?" he asked.

"Yes I said.

"And you are not physically challenged"?

"Certainly not!" I said indignantly.

"Okay, then go to room no : X, . There they will take your photograph and give you your driving licence in ten minutes" said the Delhi State Transport Authority official . But he failed to ask a crucial question: "Can you drive?"..

I got my driving licence without a driving test because I paid a bit extra to my drivig school,a part of which must have been passed on to the babus at the transport office.

My getting armed with a driving licence was years ago but I had the honesty to recognize that I was a real hazard on the road and for the sake of public safety, did not bother to renew my licence. I let my wife do all the driving now.

It is a scary thought but I wonder how many thousands of drivers must be behind the wheels with a driving licence but without being able to tell the difference between a brake and the accelerator. Their brake is probably spelt B-R-E-A-K., that is with reference to the bones of passerby they break when they run over them.

But things have gone from bad to worse. This fever has spread from the roads to the sky. According to a Times of India report today, one fake pilot gets unearthed every day. These guys must have got their licences the same way I got my driving licence.. After asking whether they wre visually or physically challenged some babu must have told them to collect their licences without bothering to ask whether they could actually fly a plane.

I must admit that such guys have made flying a real adventure for average Joes.. Being in a plane has become something like playing Russian roulette. You don't know whether the plane will crash or you would reach your destination safely.

I don't think we should fret over being in flights operated by fake pilots. As history of Indian aviation would show accidents have occurred even when genuine pilots were in the cockpit. So it is hardly a matter of concern whether your pilot is genuine or a fake.

And in these days of the plague of atheism spreading when shameless unbelievers like yours truly question the very existance of God, fake pilots do a great job in keeping the faith alive as passangers in a plane would probably keep their hands humbly folded and pray throughout the journey calling upon the almighty to help them reach their destinations safely.

The airlines too could encash on this fear of flying by selling on board prayer books of all faiths to the passengers besides talismans like Viman Durghatna Suraksha Kavach (talisman to protect against air crashes-- if it doesn't exist already some enterprising fellow would come up with it) and make a neat packet.


And FPs (acronym for fake pilots) can be a great source of humour. Just look at the following scene:

FP:: After being airborne): Okay where's the brake and the accelerator?

Co-pilot ( who worked hard for his licence): Brake and accelerator? This is a plane for God's sake!!!

FP: Arrey, without an acceleraor how will this thing run? And in case someone crosses the flight path brake to maarna padega na?

Co-pilot(iRRITATED) : We are in the air and not on the road. You don't expect some passerby to cross the plane's path do you?

FP: (Disappointed): You mean no one will? Then whom will I abuse and threaten? When I was a bus driver in Delhi I got a kick out of abusing and threatening people who crossed the path of my bus. That was a real incentive for me to perform better. Do you mean no plane will overtake us here so that I can hurl invectives at the other pilot? I used to do it all the time on Delhi roads with colourful descriptions of their relationship with their mothers and sisters.

The co-pilodt doesn't answer. He has just had a heart attack.

So a bit of caution may be necessary when flying. Perhaps every airline ticket and boarding card should carry a statutory warning : "TRAVELLING BY PLANE COULD ENDANGER YOUR LIFE".

And to make it a bit more impressive, every plane must have large skulls and crossbones painted on them in blazing red to impress on the passangers that they are on a real adventure trip.

May be having fake pilots would also enable airlines to attract more passangers by throwing in a few extra perks. Airlines can advertise that every passanger will get a free parachute andt training in para jumping.

 

hey ice, obviously you were laughing so much that in your nomination, you forgot to mention that it is for the april fp. Tks a lot.

 

Satchi, yes, Anna Hazare or no Anna Hazare, we are falling down a bottomless pit.