Letting it Be

Hello Kamalji


Now i have a contradiction to the statement "not changing your spouse?"SOmetimes we change according to our surroundings.Sometimes w just let it go,but that letting it go attitude is not always welcome.I can tell you few instances. Maybe as a male and that too experienced u can help me understand my husband view point better.

Now few decisions that he takes i dont like them but i dont say anything as i feel he wants to do it so i let it be.Now he says you never take interest my my matters.YOu consider your life and my life as different .More elaborate example.After three years being a stay at home mon for my 3 yr old son i want to start working again.No doubt abt it tht he is as supportive as anyone could be.But now he is getting a possible business deal which he says that he will start at his parents house as we stay abroad and it is realted to outsourcing.THey live in a smaller city so set up cost will be less and the job needs just college freshers.So he says he wants to start it there so that evenif it fails we will not be at much loss. i agree 100%. Now he wants me to come with him there and look for my job there.As i have such a long gap i am dead scared and dont want to take any chances with my carreer now .But i feel if he wants he can start his work wherever he feels and atleast initially i should be allowed to start my stuff with all vigour.HERE he says that i am being selfish and treating my life and his life as different.If i would have have thought like that i would never have accompanied him to US knowing well that i am on dependent visa and wont be able to do anyyyyyyyyything.But still he feels so. now u tell me i am letting him on his own..........................but .


One lighter example:It happened many times in India and here in US too.If We were to cross roads amidst traffic ,sometimes it happened that he was ready to cross and i stayed back and sometimes vice versa.But the times when he was ready and i wasn't i just let him go and cross and stayed back.He teased me y u did not cross road?i said i was not ready so i let u go.To that his answer was "oh u mean u r not bothred abt me.If anything happens to me tht is ok with you,but u want to stay back"

Now what does letting it go attitude get me here?
Priti

Originally Posted by Pritirach

Hello Kamalji


Now i have a contradiction to the statement "not changing your spouse?"SOmetimes we change according to our surroundings.Sometimes w just let it go,but that letting it go attitude is not always welcome.I can tell you few instances. Maybe as a male and that too experienced u can help me understand my husband view point better.

Now few decisions that he takes i dont like them but i dont say anything as i feel he wants to do it so i let it be.Now he says you never take interest my my matters.YOu consider your life and my life as different .More elaborate example.After three years being a stay at home mon for my 3 yr old son i want to start working again.No doubt abt it tht he is as supportive as anyone could be.But now he is getting a possible business deal which he says that he will start at his parents house as we stay abroad and it is realted to outsourcing.THey live in a smaller city so set up cost will be less and the job needs just college freshers.So he says he wants to start it there so that evenif it fails we will not be at much loss. i agree 100%. Now he wants me to come with him there and look for my job there.As i have such a long gap i am dead scared and dont want to take any chances with my carreer now .But i feel if he wants he can start his work wherever he feels and atleast initially i should be allowed to start my stuff with all vigour.HERE he says that i am being selfish and treating my life and his life as different.If i would have have thought like that i would never have accompanied him to US knowing well that i am on dependent visa and wont be able to do anyyyyyyyyything.But still he feels so. now u tell me i am letting him on his own..........................but .


One lighter example:It happened many times in India and here in US too.If We were to cross roads amidst traffic ,sometimes it happened that he was ready to cross and i stayed back and sometimes vice versa.But the times when he was ready and i wasn't i just let him go and cross and stayed back.He teased me y u did not cross road?i said i was not ready so i let u go.To that his answer was "oh u mean u r not bothred abt me.If anything happens to me tht is ok with you,but u want to stay back"

Now what does letting it go attitude get me here?
Priti

Pritiji,

Well crossing the road,it happens all the time.Sometimes one goes ahead,and the other is not ready,so there is nothing to mind about really.

REgarding his going to the small town is a sensible idea as the loss can be less if the buisiness fails.You can stay where u are staying,and if he is doing well, then u shift there.

See i and wife discuss differences,but if she is adamanat, or i am adamant, we leave it

Of course i dont mean to say, suppose if the husband is having an affair , you should let it be and let him have the affair.At such times u have to put yr foot down.

But really, every person has his own problems,and we all have to find our ways to solve them,Pritiji.Basically they are small ones, but we blow them into bigger ones, by our ego and stubbornness i suppose.

Thanks and regards.kamal

Hello Kamal,
My situation is pretty much similar to yours and your wife's. Moved to a new city, no relatives here, i am veg. and he and his family non-veg.

Like your wife, I do not touch non-veg, tho I have eggs occasionally (more so after marriage, in fact had practically stopped eating for some years before marriage). My hubby and his parents are non-veg. Hubby understands and "lets me be", but each time he eats, he asks me to have, hoping that I will accompany him. I refuse each time as he very well knows. In fact, he has cut down his non-veg days though I never ever ask him to.


But when in-laws are in the picture, things can be very difficult. My in-laws cannot "let it be". There used to be major heated arguments why I am not "adjusting" by eating non-veg. I say I do not like it, they end up saying I am even telling hubby not to eat.


Lot of other issues as well into the picture, and we ended up staying separately close-by to in-laws. And though I do not even touch non-veg or cook, we now "adjust" by me making the gravy for him, and he will clean and stir-fry and then add the non-veg to the gravy.


In-laws get wild on that as well :).
(No ways to please some people I guess!?!)

I must say that my husband, very much like you, has let me be and that helps us to get along.
best,
hasita

Letting it be is a very good piece of advice and I do try to practice it. Even after so many years, I find that it is difficult to practice it at times!! anyone else out there with the same problem?

Geeta B.

Hasitaji,


The veg and non veg problem is there in many families.When today also we go out to eat,choosing the restaurant becomes a problem.She wants to make syure it is a pure veg restaurant, as she is afraid that they may be using the same non veg sppons in the veg dishes.But well we adjust.

You know what ? All the 4 brothers are non veg, and all the 4 wives are veg ?STrange but true.But never has mom or any of us have forced our wives to eat non veg.

And it is good that u and husband adjust to each other.these are very small irritants, but they can spoil a nice marriage,if the partners are not senible to let each other be.

Thanks and regards.kamal

Geetaji,

We have to keep trying to adjust all thru our lives.Your husband may not like a few friends of yrs, and vice versa.But if the partner is happy, let him be with that friend.there are so many situations, where we do not agree with our partners,but so what.Let each be happy.

Thanks and regards.kamal

Originally Posted by GeetaBalakrishnan

Letting it be is a very good piece of advice and I do try to practice it. Even after so many years, I find that it is difficult to practice it at times!! anyone else out there with the same problem?

Geeta B.

I JOIN U..IT IS DIFFICULT TO LETTING IT BE IF THE THERE ARE DIFFERENCES IN OPINIONS AND UR ANSWER IS TOWARDS UNIVERSAL ACCEPTANCE AND MUCH BETTER WAY OF LIVING..WE CANT GIVE IT UP..EITHER UR SPOUSE HAS TO CLIMB UP OR U HAVE TO CLIMB DOWN OR VICE VERSA..............