The Other Side Of Foreign Employment

THE OTHER SIDE OF FOREIGN EMPLOYMENT:

When children go away abroad, it is great news as far as financial status is concerned, and their taking care of you with better monthly payments for your care. There are many among them who are very independent with their monthly pension or rents from their houses still loneliness away do bring pangs.

Now when the parents are a little older and a pair together it is tough to take them abroad, it is more because they don’t want to leave behind their homes and surrounding and friends, with whom they are more used to and are afraid how to handle day to day affair in a different land.

A lot many time they are unable to get their job done like the simple electricity bill and milk, what with the monthly provision list which they need to go and pick up, any problem relating to the cable operators, plumbing, electric work, carpentry, vehicles if any to be given for servicing. Major problem is when they fall terribly sick, which happens most time with diabetic, blood pressure, heart ailment, nervous break down.

If they are a single spouse then the problem is even more, taking care of daily cooking if they are men, and the household, day to day walk and talking to friends are definitely not going to fill the space left behind by the children. Many cases we come across here the daughter in law or the son in law is not interested in taking care of the elderly.

The likes and dislikes of the old couple are even more, they stick to certain simple diets which the younger generation may not be happy about, & they seclude themselves from the crowd. Children who are attached are also worried about their parents and how they can help, it is mostly one of the relative make a weekly trip or a monthly trip to tell them about their welfare.

When it comes to only daughters in the house, and if it is the single parent left behind, the tough decision to be taken by the daughter is very obvious she is unable to leave behind them, and the parent is also unable to go because the son in law might no favor a situation as this, while they need to settle down and parent has to stay on her own, giving rise to a situation in the daughter putting off her age of marriage.. regards sunkan

Sunkan
You have given me a different perspective to this common situation. we are settled in the u.s and went thru what you described when my inlaws were getting old and didnt want to move. They are no more today but i regret in my heart i didnt do better for them.
Thanks for writing this different perspective.
regards
anandchitra

thanku chitra,
i hear this a lot around these days, especially when the dead body has to be kept in mortury for the boys to come.
when we as parents can contribute so much i dont know why this situation arise out of ignorance on the parents part, or the children it is a puzzle ever to be solved..sunkan

HI Sunkan
We have the same problem regarding Inlaws. They are in India and we are living in UAE both of us working. By god's Grace they are healthy and taking care of themselves but anyway maintaining the house hold alone is and the loneliness they feel is obvious. But My mil never accepts to come over here to our place to stay with us.

We will be very happy if they come to us because my kids will live with their grand parents which is a boon to all of us. At the same time Inlaws will also not feel lonely. But She feels as if she is living in my house.

I do not know how to cope up with the situation because they always complain they are alone and we should come and stay with us. All of a sudden changing jobs is a difficult decision for us.

Any body who can suggest some tips to convince my inlaws to stay with us.

Thanx
Sumisen

Originally Posted by sumisen

HI Sunkan
We have the same problem regarding Inlaws. They are in India and we are living in UAE both of us working. By god's Grace they are healthy and taking care of themselves but anyway maintaining the house hold alone is and the loneliness they feel is obvious. But My mil never accepts to come over here to our place to stay with us.

We will be very happy if they come to us because my kids will live with their grand parents which is a boon to all of us. At the same time Inlaws will also not feel lonely. But She feels as if she is living in my house.

I do not know how to cope up with the situation because they always complain they are alone and we should come and stay with us. All of a sudden changing jobs is a difficult decision for us.

Any body who can suggest some tips to convince my inlaws to stay with us.

Thanx
Sumisen

dear sumisen,
do a trick get them for a short holiday tell them u need them very badly, and may be by god's grace if they fall in love with ur kids and viceversa, or get the children to talk on the phone and tell them how they would love to have grandparents like their friends, u need to really work at it, this old timer thoughts abt ur house and my house is no good, they should think abt the age and help that can be got easily, anyway old habits die hard sunkan

Dear sunkan,

It is true. though the call from the foreign lands is also great.

We are back in India, just because my father-in-law was struggling staying alone after my mil death. He did not want to stay with us abroad though he could stay with us as long as he wanted. (no 3 months hassles and all)

We dont regret the decision,but sometimes, there is another side to the same issue.

the older people who have got used to stay alone, cannot adjust back with their kids. I am practically facing and tackling the situation everyday.

Originally Posted by shanvy

Dear sunkan,

It is true. though the call from the foreign lands is also great.

We are back in India, just because my father-in-law was struggling staying alone after my mil death. He did not want to stay with us abroad though he could stay with us as long as he wanted. (no 3 months hassles and all)

We dont regret the decision,but sometimes, there is another side to the same issue.

the older people who have got used to stay alone, cannot adjust back with their kids. I am practically facing and tackling the situation everyday.

it happens shanthi,
the older lot are more apprehensive, as they do watch what the children nowadays go through, they are arguing a lot, and equal rights so they have their own problems, and sometime timely food and medicine, which the older lot want the younger one's to give, which is not possible, but yet the expectations are always high, how much can the active people keep alert of so many things, busy husband and children organising the house before leaving for work, even if at home so many things call for attention, then u remember oh my god forgotten his medicine or his food, my grandfather used to shut his door if mom missed the sharp time of 8.p.m daily, many a time something or the other will be missing, they never shopped for the entire month in those days, only vendors who come home with chillies and tamarind may be kept as storage the rest like oil, salt all these things are purchased on that time, and being two daughter in laws also have problem they never inform that salt is over or oil is over, once mom goes in, then she sends us to the nearby shop,
and it used to be late sometime, he loved rava dosa a lot, so getting it ready would be problem, with 4 children homework, their tiffin and so on..i can understand a lot about what u say, better to have a chart and an alarm ready in mobile like my daughter priya has she has to take her food in time otherwise problem, so it says tiffin time, lunch time and so on, u could add that to your phone these days....sorry my reply seems more bigger..sunkan

Originally Posted by sunkan

it happens shanthi,
the older lot are more apprehensive, as they do watch what the children nowadays go through, they are arguing a lot, and equal rights so they have their own problems, and sometime timely food and medicine, which the older lot want the younger one's to give, which is not possible, but yet the expectations are always high, how much can the active people keep alert of so many things, busy husband and children organising the house before leaving for work, even if at home so many things call for attention, then u remember oh my god forgotten his medicine or his food, my grandfather used to shut his door if mom missed the sharp time of 8.p.m daily, many a time something or the other will be missing, they never shopped for the entire month in those days, only vendors who come home with chillies and tamarind may be kept as storage the rest like oil, salt all these things are purchased on that time, and being two daughter in laws also have problem they never inform that salt is over or oil is over, once mom goes in, then she sends us to the nearby shop,
and it used to be late sometime, he loved rava dosa a lot, so getting it ready would be problem, with 4 children homework, their tiffin and so on..i can understand a lot about what u say, better to have a chart and an alarm ready in mobile like my daughter priya has she has to take her food in time otherwise problem, so it says tiffin time, lunch time and so on, u could add that to your phone these days....sorry my reply seems more bigger..sunkan

Hi thanks for the suggestions. but my problem is different. Here I have his breakfast ready at 8.00,lunch 12.30,snacks 4.00 and dinner 8.00. And I take care of everything. the problems starts early in the morning. the kids are into coaching classes cricket and others so they move out. it starts with him being behind them that this is paper is here. (he goes to the extent of just crumbling and leaving the paper in the basket. in one incident my daughter cried herself to sleep as he threw her assignment into the dustbin as she had left it on his table by mistake). The problem is we dont have any freedom of changing things in the house, though it is ours. We adjust, but being degraded in from office staff, in front relatives and all is too much compromise. the moment we say what u are doing is wrong, he will start my wife has left me.... to fend myself. Then sometimes he will tell the children your patti is calling me, may be today is my last day, can u imagine the emotional turmoil in the kids.

I do all my work myself. from woodwork,repairs,market,eb,telephone, and on the same note, we dont take a penny from him for anything. he uses his whole pension everymonth on some donation or other...(a good amount)

the list is endless...
My husband and kids are worried about me. I have never talked about my health in a public forum. I have been operated 5 times. My heart is weak. and have a degenerating spinal problem. I live on tablets. the 8.00 clock reminders in the house are for me.

His other children are not interested to have him. they cannot cope with his tantrums and behaviour...

I just wish, he learns to bend a little and be a nice thatha to my kids even if he is not a nice FIL/F for me and my husband.

Originally Posted by shanvy

Hi thanks for the suggestions. but my problem is different. Here I have his breakfast ready at 8.00,lunch 12.30,snacks 4.00 and dinner 8.00. And I take care of everything. the problems starts early in the morning. the kids are into coaching classes cricket and others so they move out. it starts with him being behind them that this is paper is here. (he goes to the extent of just crumbling and leaving the paper in the basket. in one incident my daughter cried herself to sleep as he threw her assignment into the dustbin as she had left it on his table by mistake). The problem is we dont have any freedom of changing things in the house, though it is ours. We adjust, but being degraded in from office staff, in front relatives and all is too much compromise. the moment we say what u are doing is wrong, he will start my wife has left me.... to fend myself. Then sometimes he will tell the children your patti is calling me, may be today is my last day, can u imagine the emotional turmoil in the kids.

I do all my work myself. from woodwork,repairs,market,eb,telephone, and on the same note, we dont take a penny from him for anything. he uses his whole pension everymonth on some donation or other...(a good amount)

the list is endless...
My husband and kids are worried about me. I have never talked about my health in a public forum. I have been operated 5 times. My heart is weak. and have a degenerating spinal problem. I live on tablets. the 8.00 clock reminders in the house are for me.

His other children are not interested to have him. they cannot cope with his tantrums and behaviour...

I just wish, he learns to bend a little and be a nice thatha to my kids even if he is not a nice FIL/F for me and my husband.

DEAR SHANTHI,
above all this, i wonder and still in awe about ur gesture in wanting a nice thatha, wish u can get him some same age friends or may be get him hooked to internet get him into some dating sites like fropper, it might keep him busy trying to pep his ego by contacting other ladies and pouring out his woes..

i mean it is a good shot, trying to keep him away from his foul moods, whoever has gone has gone his wife i mean and none will be able to put up with tantramatic parents...it is tough, though we do make amends, still if the children are fine then the parents dont understand and vice versa...but

one thing is for sure, please prioratise, you come first then the children and husband, and then the grt man, make him to realise by putting in some community service as he is so happy contributing charity, even there, many try to kindle to be independant.. and dont give up.. kind of advices, hope it improves and the old man realises fast what he is missing...lots of love may god give you energy with all your loving gestures....sunkan

Dear Sundari,
You have vividly brought out the predicament of both the parties ( I mean the parents and children ) in this thread.
Love,
Pushpavalli