My dear amma….

My dear amma….

Here I am finally writing about my mom…its been 2 months…

I still remember the day I saw her last awake and conscious…April 4th …I was coming back to dubai. For the first time in my life I saw my mom crying…crying like a baby…(Usually she is the strong one in the family. Didnt cry when I went off to college, when I got married and came to dubai, when my daughter was in ICU due to delivery problems, when she was diagnosed with the worst disease of all…)

I told amma I wont go back to dubai.and she said “Kichu (my daughter) is starting school. You have to be responsible”. Only she would say that.

A week after I came back she was in hospital in ICU. After 4 days she was brought back to room. I called her and asked “Amma I will come to see you”..She said in her weakest voice “Am fine..Take care of your husband and daughter”.

April 22: I got a call from my dad saying that amma’s health is bad. I asked him to talk to the doctor. That night I could not sleep. I knew something bad is going to happen. The same feeling I had the night before my grandfather passed away.

April 23: Woke up hearing the phone ring. It was my dad. He told that amma’s condition is very serious and to get there asap. That was the longest flight I had taken. For once I didn’t have to think what gift I will buy amma, whether she will like it, what I should ask her to make the day I reach there,….

I reached the hospital.There she was…with all the tubes…I had never seen her like that…I touched her and called her. She made some noise and moved her hand. She tried to open her eyes. But she couldn’t. I was crying. My aunties came near me and told me not to cry. Be bold in front of dad. How could I be bold?I wanted to shout at them…But then I saw my dad. He was sitting on a chair.Thinking….Crying…Then I knew I shouldn’t cry.. I have to be strong..I have to be like my mom.

April 25: I got up at around 5 am. I thought I should get back home..I will have to clean my home..Amma is coming home today.I knew it.I went back home and cleaned everywhere.Amma doesn’t like it otherwise..She hated when we made the place a mess.Before going back to hospital I thought I should take amma’s saree. I don’t want to see her wrapped up in a bedsheet. I opened her cupboard…Took her favourite saree…dark pink saree with yellow temple border. the saree I bought her for my engagement.Then I thought Where would I find the matching blouse?I opened up the saree.The blouse and underskirt were right there.I gave to my ammayi(uncles wife) and told her if something happens amma should be in this saree.

I went back to hospital.We were beginning to go to canteen to have breakfast and the nurse came and called us. Me, my dad and my grandmom went to the ICU.My mom was lying there. Her breathing had slowed down. My dad and my grandmom were crying. I kissed my mom and told in her ears “Amma you can go now…I will take care of achan(dad)”. Then I could hear her breathing deeply. The machine next to her started making some beeping noise. Nurse asked us to leave.

Amma was gone by 10.10 am…10 minutes after we walked out of that ICU. But I know she was gone when I told her that I will take care of achan.

Now that she is gone…I still wake up early in the morning thinking it was all a bad dream. I still pick up the phone to talk to her. I look around and there is no one…no one to ask for opinions when I am confused, noone to say everything will be alright, no one to fight with and still know that she loves me, no one to say “You look beautiful”, no one to ask “What do you want for your birthday”……….

I miss you amme……

 

Achan is with me now..Last week went back home...Now will bring him in september when i come back after vacation

 

Thank you everyone...