1. Want to be a Positive Parent? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Myth: Child sex abuse , A western Phenomenon

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by zingy, Jun 4, 2010.

  1. Custard

    Custard Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    73
    Trophy Points:
    105
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello Zingy,

    Sorry to hear about your story, but nice to know that you are out of it and that you are very sincere in spreading the the awareness.
    I should thank you for starting the thread. :thumbsup
    :hatsoff
     
  2. Custard

    Custard Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    73
    Trophy Points:
    105
    Gender:
    Female
  3. zingy

    zingy Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,115
    Likes Received:
    791
    Trophy Points:
    215
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks custard,
    Spread the word among your friend :) for the pledge and the cause. The site was very slow so it took some time for me to complete
     
  4. Custard

    Custard Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    73
    Trophy Points:
    105
    Gender:
    Female
    Sure Zingy, I have sent the link to my friends too. Me and some of my friends are fan of Tulir at Facebook. Its easy to know their updates.
     
  5. 1janavi

    1janavi Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    257
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Zingy,I appreciate you for this post.You are 100% right that the child abuse mostly are not inflicted by the strangers but by the people we know well and the people we trust.

    Traditionally parents tell the kids that " If you wander alone some stranger will take you away and poke your eyes"
    While it is true that such things happen in reality (Slumdog millionaire had a heartbreaking realistic scence which made me realise all those warnings from parents are indeed no empty scares)

    Parents did not focus on the abusers hiding in their our community.

    In my case,my Dad would tell me not to sleep near my cousins even though they are brothers when i visited them on vacations.He would say brotherly affection can be shared in many ways not necessarily overly hugging and falling all over . Ideally my mom should say this but my dad was more maternal and a forward thinker.
    He would say this infront of other people he had nothing to hide but some people would frown and say they are kids see this man is taknig away the innocence from kids.Thankgod I never felt that way and it helped me to understand potentional dangers.

    Now my mom had told me how she avoids a relative of hers because he would constantly hold her hand on purpose when he taught her to ride the bike.


    Thanks to my mom and dad otherwise I would have surely been a victim of child abuse.

    Turns out one of the cousin indeed is not so pure.

    There is this other incident where I was invited to a neighbours birthday party.She had a big cousin.He lifted me and hugged me tight.I didnot feel good so I ran back to my house.All the people laughed at me and thought I was too shy.
    One of my friends said she like the way he cares and gives chocolates and infact liked the tight hugs he gave.
    Now both her and me were studying in 1st standard that time.
    Again this guy was bad too and was the talk of the neighbourhood in a couple of years later.

    My point from this incident here is

    We think children cannot know the difference but they can.They can if we raise them to know some basic things.

    My girl is 5 years old and when I tickled her one day I accidently squeezed her chest.She slowed her giggle for a split second.I said sorry that was an accident.She said okay but dont do it again(my words!! copy cat) and continued with the game.

    Sometimes when kids are a favourite for parents then tend to shower their love with way too many kisses and tight hugs and blowing on the tummy etc.This sometimes will not help the kids to get the warning signals when someother person does it to them .They feel well my dad does the same whats wrong.The Dad of this friend of mine would give loud smooches almost making her wet.I think thats why she was unaware.


    My approach in raising my daughter is this.
    I tell her she cannot touch mommy chest (sometimes kids do)and that it applies to her also .

    Her bottom can be cleaned and inspected only my mom,doctor and sometimes her teacher if she has a problem to cleanup or gets hurt.Not anyone else.Not even Dad or grandparents.This is just to keep the list small.

    When she is out for shopping she has to stay with parents.I show her pictures of lost kids in magazines and walmart. sometimes the staff there overhears the conversation and tell my kid that mom is right.

    Apart from this I dont tell her anything.
    I would like to hear from parents about my approach.Any suggestions welcome
     
  6. Pomegranite

    Pomegranite Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    34
    Trophy Points:
    40
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello!
    I think children should be told, appropriate to their mental capacity.
    I was molested by my father.
    Perhaps nothing could have prevented that but if I had been given the tools to prepare for it, maybe I could have understood what was going on.
    And maybe I could have changed how it turned out.
    Children know when someone is not right, they just need the preparation to deal with it.
    Just like when parents model behaviour for other situationsm (teaching the child to be respectful, teaching the child to be in the temple) teach the child what to expect and how to deal with someone touching them in certain places, and being put in certain situations.

    That means the mother or other guardian must have the courage to face this terrible thing.

    People think that teaching children to protect them selves is taking away their innocence.
    Molestation takes away innocence.
    And it can never be gotten back.
    In kindness,
    Ami
     
  7. 1janavi

    1janavi Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    257
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Zingy,I had to add one more regarding the society approach towards child abusers among relatives. They feel if we say it out my daughter will have problems in marriage.People will look at her with some mental idea about the abuse she had which is a shame to her.

    This is true and genuine concerns and the abusers thrive and are bold only due to the sensitiveness parents face on the issue.

    This can be addressed only by awareness programs and talk shows(like Neeya Naana for instance in tamil channels) and slowly people will come forward with their stories and the stigma will slowly change and the abusers will be scared that they may be exposed.

    godschild ,great to have come up with your story which is pretty common by the way.My request to you is if possible talk to these cousins and slowly spread the rumour among relatives to expose the guy's true colors.
    You dont have to reavel anyones identity .Atleast there will be no more kid facing the abuse in these family functions.
     
  8. Custard

    Custard Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    73
    Trophy Points:
    105
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello Janavi,

    I liked your post very much! There are some important points to be noted by all of us, especially those points on approaches.... well, but I would like to add "dad" too in cleaning up body parts, as in many occasions dads get to do it, and ofcourse it depends on the family situation, like if only mother gives bath to the child at all times, no need to even add dad's name (to keep the list short).

    When I attended a workshop by Tulir, they said we should teach what is "Safe touch" and "unsafe touch", instead of "good touch" and "bad touch". This is because if a child is abused, he/she will associate themselves with a word "bad". This will affect them all the more.
    We should also teach kids all body parts. This may lead to using those words sometimes by them in front of guests, we shouldn't feel embarrassed about it. We should be happy that our kids knew things.
    That will help in communication when they faced with any trouble.

    Even my dad used to tell me the same - how to behave when cousin brothers are around. Just like you, I too feel, this should have been done by mom!. After my dad says something like that, she will node in agreement, but dint caution me - verbally.
     
  9. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,627
    Likes Received:
    1,636
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    One way predators keep the child mum is by threatening that no one will believe them (including parents) or by saying something bad will happen if they tell the adults...
    caution the child that no matter, he/she will be believed and
    that no harm will come to them/their near ones if anyone does something inappropriate.
    R
     
  10. 1janavi

    1janavi Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    257
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Custard.And ,very good point about "Safe touch " and "unsafe touch".I have been using the word proper and bad sometimes.I will use safe/unsafe hereafter.

    Pommegranate,Really sorry to hear about what happened to you.But from the post I could sense you are bold (not finding a better word but feel you have handled it well).My wishes for a happy personal life to you.

    Teacher,yes very important point indeed.
    Though we teach them body parts and safe touches,
    It is very essential to provide an environment to them so that they can come say anything to us without getting scared.
     

Share This Page