Involvement of inlaws in your parenting

asha_karthik · Dec 30, 2008

Just wanted to understand how much your inlaws involve in the day to day affairs of your child.. especially when you are a working woman, how much of their involvement do you think is right for yourself, your child and them as well? All the more, how do you put them in place when they cross their limits? (pls don't get me wrong.. i dont want to put any limits to their involvement unless i feel it affects my child.. i am indeed grateful to my inlaws for looking after my kid)

This question coz, my inlaws seem to involve everywhere... they seem to take advantage of the fact that i work. i really wasn't minding when my kid used to run to her grandpa for everything. i was only being used when she had to be fed or put to sleep or change her diaper (earlier). but these days, i have caught him say some negative things against me to my kid. i never do that with the child (complain or talk bad abt her thatha/patti) however bad my inlaws are towards me.. i wudn't want her to realize my feelings for my inlaws and i was expecting they wud do the same. recently he started commenting abt my parenting style straight to my daughter -
Few instances -
(1) when i called LO for dinner few days back, he said "go into the room, and ur mom will make u cry for everything" - afterall its me who does all things that she doesn't like, starting from brushing her teeth to feeding her.. i do not just sit with her and watch tv or eat junk.. like what he does.
(2) he teaches her to ignore me when i call her, by purposely distracting her with her favorite CD or something else (no exaggeration - he purposely does that - on a side note - he somehow doesn't like me - its about 2-3 months since he has spoken to me a word - God knows why !)
(3) right from when she was born, he scolds all of us including my mil left, right, center whenever he thinks what we hv done is wrong. he woudn't mind even if the kid is watching. i hv seen that her attitude towards her grandma is different. she gives no respect to her and looks for her grandpa's approval for everything starting from going for a walk, or for any smallest thing. she has realized that her grandpa is the most dominating person in the family and that he can get anything done for her. he literally pampers her a lot, with no discipline aspect at all. He gives no respect to any of my disciplinary actions whatsoever and has taught the child well to ignore all of it. He just wudn't start my LO crying.. wud jump to the roof whenever she does that. whoever is near her wud be blamed when she starts crying. All my constructive time with my child is within our room.. and i use this time to the max to cuddle her, to teach her, to laugh with her, to discipline her and to make her feel my love in all ways. With him around, none of the above said is possible.

I am very worried abt how my kid's future will be. I at least now know a few tactics to handle this situation. now i am pregnant with my second chid. if the same continues with both my kids, i am going to find it difficult as they grow older and when they start serious studies etc. I hv tried talking to him, tried crying, shouting.. all forms.. all in vain. He simply is a very dominating person who cannot stand if women folks talk (though he wudn't look so at the surface).

Pls give me some tactful ideas (pls dont just ask me to talk my heart out.. i hv done enough of it and now fed up - my talks with them is hardly 5-8 words every day these days) to handle this situation. i hv no plans of moving away frm them as well, unless they want to. i like joint families and feel insecure without ppl around.

ShardaSuresh · Jan 2, 2009

Hi Asha,

I can feel your pain. When we chose to leave our kids with parents, we do accept that they become second parents to the child. However in your case it looks like your fil wants to be a father to the child and wants exclusive rights to rearing your child.

Since you are pregnant you might need the help of your in-laws again to help with the second child. So to me it looks like you are not in a very good situation to negotiate with your in-laws.

I think you need to speak to your husband. Obviously he benefits from the money you are bringing in and wants you to continue working even after having the second child. You may want to tell him that you want to quit your job after the second child is born. Watch his reaction to this. If he really wants you to work then he will get seriously involved with the situation and try to find a solution.

On the other hand if he feels that it would be a good idea for you to quit. Then you may have to think. You may have to start accepting a reality, that your career comes at a price. I know this is an unfair price to pay, but this is your reality.

Think a lot about the pros and cons of working.

asha_karthik · Jan 2, 2009

Thank you Sharda for taking time to reply to my questions.

Yes, i know i shd rethink on my plans to continue working after the second child. But this is a conscious decision that my hubb and i hv taken a few years bk, abt the years i wud work for one of the financial commitments we hv in hand. I would need to work for another 2-3 years at least, but i had to plan for the second one now considering my age. i just hope things pass soon some way or the other, and my kids are grown up to take care of themselves.

radhee · Jan 5, 2009

Asha,

Environment plays a very important role in shaping up the kids and the kids will imitate the whatever they see and hear. I think in your situation, the only solution would be to spend more time with her. I agree with Sharda. Sometimes we have priorities in life and its difficult to choose between them. Does your hubby understand the situation at home? Can he talk with your FIL? Or can you plan a vacation for you, your hubby, and your child alone wherein you can spend more time with your daughter and make her understand your love and affection? If nothing works, the only best thing would be to move into a nuclear family. True that we need elders support and guidance, but when it affects your child in a negative way, there is no point in living in a joint family system. After all, she is your child and molding her the right way is important. Think over and decide.

This topic has been nagging me for more than a week. I have a 3-month-old. My in-laws are good, but there are a few things which I feel would affect my child negatively. There is DH's cousin who lives nextdoor who keeps talking negatively to the baby all the time. He calls the baby names which hurts me very much. My in-laws are not saying a word against this. If I intervene, I fear he would do it more deliberately rather than stopping. I have told DH about this and he plans to tell him directly when the cousin does that in front of DH. I am waiting to put a fullstop to this and all other issues which I feel would affect the baby. I think it is better to nip such things in the bud, so that others know how to behave with our kids. I do not want my kid to develop wrong vocabularies and wrong behavior. I am relying on my hubby to play the role here. Lets see how things shape up.

Radhee.

asha_karthik · Jan 21, 2009

Radhee.. sorry.. i dont know how i missed this post from you though i am visiting IL regularly. thanks for ur suggestion and i agree with every word. Like i hv told in another post in reply to deepas, i hv taken certain measures to put things in control. Especially i hv made it very clear to them not to spread any negative things abt anyone at home to anyone else. i donot see anything missing in my kid's bonding with me, except at times. most of these times are when my inlaws want to show that they are more important to my LO than myself. i just see that as their immaturity and do something to attract my kid to me even without they realizing it.

Your point on wrong vocabulary is certainly something that i will remember. i used to be concerned abt that too sometimes, due to the style my mil speaks to her. but i hope with all others using the right vocabulary/style, she wouldn't take after the minority at home.

Good luck with ur little one.. and by now i hope ur hubb must hv sorted out the issue with his cousin.