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When and how do you have THE talk with son ?

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by hrastro, Mar 26, 2015.

  1. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    I did not think I would be asking this question this early ! My son is only 10, going to be 11 next month !

    But he has always been a bookworm and someone bought him a book when he was just 8 - "Just for boys" - when I saw that the content was about answering all kinds of queries for teens, I kept it aside (hid it for the last 3 years)!!

    I cant find it right now ! But he has been insistently asking for it - and I've postponed looking for it - mainly because I'm not sure if we should even address those topics !

    With his exams getting over this weekend, we'll both look for the book and he is going to read it next week, of course !!!

    OK, he knows about breasts and breast feeding - we have talked about that before .. he is fine with that...

    He worked WITH me and gave me suggestions when we developed the website to create awareness for kids about good touch and bad touch (smartkids. esy. es)
    So, he knows about the touch and private parts.

    He knows that he is supposed to protect mom's privacy by knocking/asking permission/not letting his friends walk into my bedroom etc...

    I can tell about the changes at puberty - facial hair, voice breaking, testosterone - even my DH can address them!

    How do I talk to him about periods? What do I tell him? Because the book mentions periods!

    What about night emissions?

    What do I tell about sex and babies and how they are born?

    I would like to know how you have started the conversation, how it had proceeded, and did he come back for more questions? What were the changes you saw after the discussion ?

    Any dads in this forum can also answer and give suggestions!

    Edit: He does Sandhyavandana, he knows all our cultural and traditional characters and stories, history, slokas - just mentioning - if anyone has any idea of any reference I can use?
     
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  2. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    @hrastro:
    Nice thread!!

    I not at this stage yet, sharing some ideas from happenings in my family and from friends lives:

    - Let him read the book first. If he reads the book and gets to know the terms/jargons first, it may be easier for you and your DH to address further questions from him, if any.

    - Either you can wait for him to come up with questions as time goes. Or both you and your DH can have THE talk with him.
    Try and ask questions to him to initiate the talk if you are not comfortable with starting it on your own. You can use a male/female body demonstration set if that helps. (My sister is a doctor and she used a demo set for explaining about human body changes when her DS came up with questions).

    - About periods, try explaining how boys and girls change during puberty. Statements like when a girl gets a period she can have a baby(down the lane), its a natural process, periods occur because of changes in uterus, boys don't get it since they don't have a uterus, boys have changes in body like facial/chest hair, etc could help. Based on further questions you can choose to explain further (stuff like for how many days it lasts, usage of napkins, etc). If it works, include night emissions here and mention its a physical sign that he is growing up. (Better if father explains this)

    - About sex and babies, at this age I believe its good to use the proper terms for the reproductive organs. Start a conversation on what he thinks about sex, and proceed from there. Or in case you see an awareness ad use that opportunity to start this topic. Choose to explain about sperm, egg, fetus etc based on his understanding.

    - Using aids like videos or more books could also help(I have seen some kids talk about these things after they had the talk with their parents in youtube)
     
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  3. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanx @Sparkle!

    He loves science and constantly reads about animals and animal facts :) So I might try and explain in animal and plant language !

    Once I find the book I'll wait for him to ask questions !

    I'll try your suggestions !

    Whats a demo set you said your sister used?

    If you have any links of youtube that I can check out, please put them here for reference !

    Thanx for responding!

    Do you know any parents of teenage/older sons on IL whom we can tag ?
     
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  4. sravanitenali

    sravanitenali IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear hrastro,

    Sometime or the other we all reach this stage of discussing fragile topics with our kids..I am yet to reach there :)

    Recently i came across a website about creating awareness regarding puberty in both girls and boys with comic stories..here is the website very informative, you can start with changes that occur for both boys and girls during pre-teen and teen ages and can explain how the transformations will be different in each of them..

    Menstrupedia - Your guide to healthy periods

    If he is aware of scientific names of private parts in male and female, you can start with the reproductive system in Mammals and how it occurs can be explained..I am 36 weeks and my 6yr old DS is curious about how i actually got a baby in my tummy all of a sudden :) i just gave headsup about the reproduction system and now he is waiting for the LO from my tummy...
     
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  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    @hrastro...Sigh .Some of us just lucked out. The school does the talking about the birds and bees and ahem everything else. I dont know what else is covered in
    those sessions and I have zero desire to find out. Sometimes I dont want to know how much my DS knows :hide:.Ignorance is truly bliss.


    DH is a bigger prude than I am and while he has no issues drawing elaborate trajectory paths for shooting hoops or force diagrams for soccer he hasn't the remotest inclination to talk "the boy talk".
    I tried broaching the topic and DS went this :shock:and then that faintingsmileyand said
    mom..its ok ..console1I am good...and thats that.Good luck with ur b and b talk:cheers
     
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  6. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    @hrastro:

    Good to know that your DS reads about animals and animal facts. That's a great way to talk about THE talk.

    I don't know the exact brand name of the demo set my sister used, but it was similar to the one in this link : (squishy human body)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-esfZsl7TQ
    Its a little gory, but its also very educational. Similar kits can be found online.

    Here are some links from YT:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3MyLt6l5n0 (this is set of videos)
    How to Talk to Kids About Puberty

    May be we can tag Laks09 and Shanvy... not very sure though@
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Like JAG says, the school does a good job about it starting from 5th grade or so. They start off with parts of the body, the exact names of each part, and its functionality. Believe me, learning about them in the 'biological' sense takes away any temptation or attraction. Over the grades, they talk in more detail.

    At home, I keep any such talks clinical. Matter of fact. The annual visit to the doctor gives an opportunity to bring up the topic.

    What also helped was that rather than making it a 'birds and bees' talk and 'how babies are made' or 'how your body is changing' or 'what is sex' I approached it as a 'how to be safe from bad people' - In particular, told my son about how to be careful in the men's restroom. That talk also had to include other material such as gay sex, but remained focused on being safe.

    More later.
     
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  8. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    I usually told my children about babies, periods etc when they were very young. When they started school they already had a quite good understanding. It was easier with my daughters. Always remembering when my son (11 year old) had been reading this book and then starting to ask questions about how the mans organ function etc. Blurted out that you have to ask your dad as I do not have a clue :D.
     
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  9. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Haha thats great! So he already knows some basics :)

    My son has never asked such questions till now !! Makes me wonder !

    Many of his friends ask their parents - why are they kissing, why was uncle feeding aunty at the restaurant etc...but though my son asks 400 questions a day, but has not asked these kind of questions!

    Thanx jag, Rihana!

    When there were molestations in some school, all the schools here showed them the "Komal" and Aamir khan's good touch bad touch videos! Nothing more than that !

    So, we had a talk about the privacy and my body is mine etc at the time. Because it was such a hot topic
    (Many many of my friends had kids studying in that school and I had joined the protest and many of my friends withdrew their kids - it is hardly a km from where I live!)
    Then later when I built my website to create awareness, he too enthusiastically participated ! But unfortunately, neither the school nor we went deeper into the subject !!

    OK, I havent told him about being safe at men's restroom in particular - so I may have to address that too!!

    Haha ha ha Crayoness! Sometimes, I do that too - ask your dad!

    Yeah it is definitely easier with girls :)

    @Sparkle - thanx for the links !! I'll check them out !
     
  10. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Doesn't the book give all the info? You could let him read through and come to you for any clarification.

    I can't say how a child would react in front of his parents but I just remember a feeling of disgust at how I was made! Not that I said anythkmg to my parents. I suppose though that disgust is more because of our social conditioning where we are sadly taught to be deeply ashamed of our bodies.

    For us talk about bodies and bodily functions happen now and again. they happen in bursts right now where we talk about something for a few min and totally change the topic as my DDs flitting mind is wont to do. Sometimes we cover the same ground, sometimes I stretch it just a bit further. I'm not sure what to suggest to you about how you have a conversation at one go. Anyway, here are my two cents worth.

    Periods - I did this with my preschooler. She knows she came from my tummy. I took it one step further to explain the part of the tummy she "lived in" is called the uterus. Enter - human body encyclopaedia; showed her the uterus, ovaries, Fallopian tube. Said the ovaries release an egg which travels through the Fallopian tube into the uterus. This is the egg which could be a start for the baby; most eggs dont become babies; we know old eggs are no use; so the wall of the uterus which is like a bed for the egg is pushed out of the body so thst a new "bed" can be made for a new egg which will come out. That explained to her why mummy still wore nappies instead of doing it in the toilet. I am sure you can scale it up to your sons level.

    Baby making - to make a child a man has to give his sperm to a woman; otherwise the old egg will simply come out. When the right sperm is present, a sperm fuses with the egg to make an embryo in the uterus. I haven't told my daughter anything about how the sperm got there (or even the word sperm, except in contxt of the sperm whale; it is just daddy gave his bit) this embryo turns into a baby. The development of that minuscule embryo into a baby is just brilliant; switch to capabilities of human body, spirituality of making a new being etc. end with "you are the most wonderful thing we ever made".

    Sex - well, I've educated some kids in a clinical manner when I was < 16 with the solely theoretical knowledge i had back then. A bit of tweaking might be necessary but I think it went fine. What I said back then was that for the sperm to be transferred to the woman's uterus, the man has to put his penis into the woman's vagina. People find this sensation pleasurable. However it involves a lot of responsibility to do this because it could make a baby and for that a lot of emotional attachment must be there between the partners. It is natural during puberty to be attracted to the opposite sex; however we need to exercise self control and caution and not let hormones take over. It is important to consciously focus on academics right now in order to make something out of yourself before you embark on a physical aspects of relationships.

    I don't see why you would have to talk about night emissions of he has the book. Or, you could talk always about puberty where a girl starts to become a woman and a boy starts becoming a man. The bodies in teen age are just getting prepared and hence are a bit out of control. Which is why night emissions happen.
     
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