Friendship among kids

hridhaya · Nov 2, 2014

Dear friends,

I need some sound advice regarding my DD's friendship with her friend. They both are doing first grade. DD's friend's parents are going through divorce and hence her friend is suffering psychologically to some extent.

My DD was very close with her friend till last year.But this year my daughter is growing apart from her and making other friends.This means that my daughter is not spending time with her regularly and behaving friendly unlike last year.

I compel my DD to spend time with her friend although I know she is not very excited. Even when they meet outside the school, my daughter loses interest after a while.

I know DD's friend's mum personally and we are good friends. I feel difficulty in talking to her sometimes because of my DD's lessening friendship with her daughter. I feel that my DD should be close to her friend. Since the kid is going through a difficult time, I feel that my daughter should not upset her. DD's friend still considers my DD as one of her good friends even though she knows my DD is not same as before.

So far I interfere once in a while and get confirmations from my daughter that she is not leaving out her friend in any situation. But I know I can't mend things for long. I am not sure what I am supposed to do in this situation. Should I keep reminding my DD to be nicer to her friend or accept my DD's growing friendship with others?

Note - my DD does not know of her friend's personal situation and hence I can't cite it and tell her why she needs to be more sensitive towards her.

anika987 · Nov 2, 2014

You seem to a nice person and a good mother.

your intentions are right but kids are too small to understand.
does the other kid have other friends apart from your dd?or is she close only to your girl?
if do,that sort a attachment for the other gal is not too healthy.now with the parents divorce,I am worried for the little girl.

tell your dd about friendships and how she will feel hurt if she is ignored.
tell dd that the other gal feels bad and she has to be a bit nicer.
just try if it does not work let it go.

you have tried your best

guesshoo · Nov 2, 2014

Is the other child's mum getting some counselling? perhaps a counsellor can help by giving tips on a sensitive approach?

What does she say about not being as close to the other girl as before? Children do drift apart for reasons even they can't comprehend. Does you DD feel the other girl isn't fun anymore? Us pushing is going to make her go in the other direction, unfortunately. Perhaps getting them to have regular play dates will help.

Is there a reason you don't want to tell your DD about her friends situation? I could be grossly wrong with this advice but thinking about your question, this is what I think I would do in your place. You could say something simple like, "x must be upset because her mum and dad have decided to live in different houses. They both still love her very much but she is a bit anxious about the change. She will be staying with her dad (or mum) it would really cheer her up if we included her during our play sessions." Perhaps remind her about the times the little girl or anyone else has been kind to her. Talk to her about how it cheered her up; how it is important to be nice etc. Also reassure her that your family is stable and you own DD needn't be anxious about that. Touchwood. And remind her to be discreet with the information.

I usually tell my DD from the time she was about 2 yr old that some things are not discussed in public with one and all - like bodily functions, discussions about other people's appearance(unless it is complimentary) etc. I have told her she could ask me or her dad anything if she is curious but it has to be done without pointing, and in a whispery voice in order to show consideration for other people. I think this topic could be one such - something she only talks to you about...

hridhaya · Nov 3, 2014

Reshmi,GH,

Thanks for your reply. My DD and her friend are school van mates. Till last year, they were the only two friends who would sit next to each other. Now this year, more kids are present and even some of my DD's classmates. So my DD drifted towards others slowly. DD's friend wasn't included and felt lonely for a while. After I got to know, I spoke to my daughter and things improved.

Last week DD's friend and her mum came to our house and both the kids were playing well for half an hour. After that they could not play cordially. Both mums kept telling our kids to play peacefully. My daughter got upset for my repeated reminders and stopped playing and they left. Later my daughter apologized over the phone to her friend. My daughter does not behave always like this and gets along fine with other friends. It is also the first time I am seeing my daughter getting upset with someone whom I thought was her good friend.

My friend is going through counselling and is also planning to take her daughter to a child counsellor for their personal problems. She says that her child has become more shy and withdrawing herself into a shell.

GH,
I don't want to talk about their separation with my DD because they are not yet formally divorced.Also the other kid may not like to discuss if my DD asks her something. As you said I would need to give her small hints and tell her to be obliging.

In things were normal I would not be worried but in this case I feel my daughter should let go more than her friend. I guess it can happen only if I prepare my DD instead of expecting her to do it on her own. My husband says it is too much to expect our daughter to attach herself to her friend if she does not feel so. Also both of us agree that until we discuss the separation issue with my DD it is difficult to expect a flexible behavior from our DD.

Shanvy · Nov 3, 2014

A very delicate situation hridaya. you can't blame your little one. most schools shuffle sections for the very reason that kids should learn to mingle, be more comfortable socially and make new friends.

if you keep reminding your dd all the time, it could have a adverse effect. so let it be. you can't ask your dd to be the kid's friend just because her mom is going through divorce. (it may sound rude. but that is how it is. )

at the same time my heart goes out to the other kid too, who maynot be good at social mingling, or possessive of your dd. kids are sometimes possessive of their friends too..maybe the kiddo is drawing comfort from your daughter's company.

what best could be done..without hurting or bringing out the details is talking to your dd..or just use a cooked up situation..

a and b were friends even before they started school. their mommies were also friends. they had lots of play together in each other's house and so much fun. they started school. since both went to different section, a started having more friends who were from her class, but b was not able to make friends. she only wanted to be a's friend. b became sad. b became lonely and upset.

a being smart, decided that b should not be sad because of her. she made it a point to introduce her to her other friends, and make her all their friends too. A found it difficult as b was not interested but a did not let go because b was her friend too. slowly b started becoming more cheerful and friendly with other friends of a, with a's help...

something like this.. so that she can understand. it also gives her an idea that not all of us are the same. each of us behaves and thinks differently. and we have a choice of making things happen without hurting anybody..

hridhaya · Nov 3, 2014

Thanks Shanvy. I am with you on this and there is a huge benefit for kids. But I don't see it happening in my DD's school as there will be resistance from parent groups who don't want any change that can affect their kid. But definitely a good idea.

"[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]most schools shuffle sections for the very reason that kids should learn to mingle, be more comfortable socially and make new friends."[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]Although I didn't mention so far, there were issues in the van due to possessiveness which had turned to teasing etc. Luckily it is all sorted out now. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]I really like the other kid very much, I have become suspicious of my daughter and started to compare her behavior with this girl and other friends. I am taking a wrong path, I guess.

I do not know the changes in other kid's behavior as I see her only as a suffering kid who does not deserve a huge mental pressure. There can be few things she does that can tick my DD. But I am biased towards the other kid just for the difficulty she is going through.

I also read one of your posts today that the best way to make kids remember is to ask them questions so that they come up with answer. Before we meet next time,I have to sit and talk to her about what to expect from her. [/FONT]

Shanvy · Nov 3, 2014

maybe you are expecting too much. empathy from a child. these days adults don't have that. maybe it is only you who is feeling so, while your child can't feel that.

and she is a pre-teen obvious likes, dislikes, and things...so talk to her without forcing the issue or reminding her that she needs to be her friend. and possessiveness and tiffs are very common.. they will learn as long as parents don't enter the equation and watch from the sidelines.. ensuring it does not become dirty, or harmful...

hridhaya · Nov 3, 2014

Thank you Shanvy. Probably it is time for me to cool off and not think too much.

Shanvy · Nov 4, 2014

A friend of mine says we are a over-expecting, over-worked, over-anxious lot of parents..so true. we want the perfect child.. and believe me when we have one, we will still be looking for something wrong, because we cannot deal with a perfect child or rather we do not know how to handle one.

just enjoy with her..she is going to grow up too fast from here, on..

hridhaya · Nov 4, 2014

Thanks for that message Shanvy. I have started questioning my ingrained beliefs.

I give so much importance to social behavior.My daughter gets little allowance from me for bad mannerisms. It may mean I tell her to control emotions to avoid unpleasant things. In some situations, I was hesitant of letting her getting close to few friends because other kids might get separated. Basically anything that makes me uncomfortable...I would advise her against doing it.

Although I may be acting a bit too much, the good side I have seen is that she is accepted and liked by her friends easily compared to the kids who behave irritating.