Talking to your children about violent news

teacher · Dec 16, 2012

With all the news coverage on the school shooting, some guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics on addressing this with your children:

HealthyChildren.org - AAP Offers Resources to Help Parents, Children and Others Cope in the Aftermath of School Shootings

Shanvy · Dec 16, 2012

Good thread. in fact this could be discussed here. how we talk about death, any thing negative that happens around us.

I am sure many of us here would be benefiting from this.

outofthebox · Dec 16, 2012

Hi teacher,

I think this is a very apt thread at an apt timing, given that there is so much of violence around us these days.

As Shanvy said, it will definitely benefit many of us as parents. I am definitely one of those who is utterly confused as to how to explain "death" to my 5 yo DD. Just in the last week, there was a death of an elderly person, our house owner, in our building and somehow I could just about evade the topic of "what happened ma? why is everyone around here?" kind of questions, because the entire incident took place after I dropped my daughter to her bus, and the procession was completed even before she returned home. But, I knew that my DD talks with the little girl in that house who is in her Class 2 now. So this would have eventually come up at one point of time. So I tried to explain to her in a somewhat similar way as I did for my dad, but I was not sure if it was ok.

Its one of the very dicey topics that we will have to deal with at some point or the other, especially when the kids happen to be young and in a tender age.

As for the violence happening around us, I guess my DD understands that violence means "dishum dishum", and associates with "poochandi" (how do you translate this now - a monster?? in kiddish jargon) ! And, I also watch some reality shows with her to make her understand issues related to kids, because kids understand if we try to explain by showing examples, and they have a lot of "Tell Me Why" running in their mind all the time. Of course, I don't highlight any unwanted details or gruesome things, and most of the time, just give her an idea of what the issue is about, and what can be done to handle it. That way, she is kind of aware, but am sure that she is right now only in the WYSIWYG phase. I am expecting more questions to come from her soon.

A very good thread, teacher.

P.S. - If this thread can, over a period of discussions, be made as a sticky thread, I think it would be great!

Rihana · Dec 16, 2012

A timely topic. Yesterday I realized that in addition to talking to young children about why such deaths or any death happens, why any person would do kill, what happens after death, helping them make sense out of it, we have to work on how the child talks about it with his peers and friends.

Shanvy · Dec 16, 2012

Rama: let me put it this way. certain questions like birth, violence i have been giving age appropriate answers to a certain time, later i realised my son who is always thirsty for information googled for the info.. infact even today, when i said x deaths he told me the exact number of girls/boys and adults and much more, it is acceptable, as he is now 14 and can assimilate it.

i have always kept a open window to my answers to allow for a little more explanation as time went by. this did give me a better leverage..

Between my DD and DS, i have seen them tackle grief differently. DD accepts it, cries and moves forward and DS sometimes lets it off, but most of the time he gets into drawing his feelings..infact the drawings were the only things that used to be window to his feelings when he was 5-8 years..

Just curious about how you would counsel parents to talk about these issues, and i would like you to talk about it from a indian stand point. because our grieving is completely different from the others..(i know grief is grief) and the violence.

i went through the link and it is informative, but why not we talk from our own examples and how to tackle such a situation..will be more helpful just like the other awareness thread.

when we talk about violent news, nightmares and fear is not far behind..but let me wait for you to kickstart..i know you are busy, but still there is nothing wrong in hoping...:hide:

Shanvy · Dec 17, 2012

This was part of a mail forward i and the advice looks simple yet profound and has a positive impact, but how far is it feasible with the ever curious and the why's stage...

teacher · Dec 17, 2012

I am not a counselor, so what I say may sound wrong to someone trained strictly in the field...but I have had to handle kids going through the grieving process and here's my take on it...

How we talk to children about death will be influenced by the age of the children and their experiences. It is also about the age of the person and how the death occurred.

If it is a death in the family and we were very close to the person, our emotions are strongly involved. SO we have to be aware of our intentions when we talk to children-we do need to let them know that we are very sad but at the same time remember to focus on the child's needs.

I say this from experience...When someone very close to me died a few years back the parents were devastated. Not only was it unexpected but there was another ironical twist to the event which lead to the death. Now this person left behind a young child. The parents and the spouse were utterly bewildered. This made it really difficult for the child...not to mention the anxiety from the way his life was altered, he was unwittingly the 'therapy tool' for the adults. The adults assumed that the way they grieved was actually benefiting the child. Invariably there were behavioral issues and medication! I say this because it is becoming very common in India to give anti depressants even for young children instead of supporting them while they grieve for a loved one. Fortunately for the child the deceased parent's sibling and spouse were on the ball...in spite of everyone bad mouthing them fought (because they had no legal rights they had to work hard on the parent and grandparents) to get the child into therapy and stop medication. It took several years but the child is doing well now.

Grief doesn't automatically lead to depression. Our first step is of course to find a family member for the child to lean on and talk to. But if this doesn't work out because the adults are grappling with grief, then it is best to find a play therapist or art therapist for children...it is easier for children to express their feelings in context rather than as a 'talk' session.

When the death of a loved one is the result of illness, you have the same anxiety but there is probably a 'reason' that you can talk about. It doesn't shake the uncertainties away but there is something tangible to discuss. You can talk about the condition and how we tried everything. The idea that we only have so much to control in our lives comes later but we can talk about all the positive things we did for that person. My husband's mom was diagnosed with cancer when he was very young...apparently they would have to rush her to ER for various complications all through his school years. But they would constantly kid around with cancer jokes...and his mom would say, "Oh your dad should hear you..he will be mad." But the jokes were about all that she still got to do in her life in spite of the cancer. My husband said that it was because he wanted her to realize that she still had a fulfilling life...I think there was an unconscious desire in him also to control his life-he did this by making sure that she got to do what others her age did. When she died, he was very sad but he didn't feel her life and death were only about the illness.

One of my good friends (non Indian) came up to me all offended because another student in one of her grad classes said she had visited India and that they (Indians) had no 'grieving' process(!) I burst out laughing but my friend was very indignant on my behalf. Whether it is the prayers in our different religions or it is our collective emotional personalities I can't think of a more elaborate grieving 'process.'

As a culture I think we have varied responses...of these there is one which bothers me-where we tell the kid to be stoic and be focused on the important aspects of life. There was an article in the news about a child who came state first but his mom had passed away a month before the exam. The article praised how focused he was and how he did this for his mom, etc, etc. But being the quirk that I am, my reaction to that was, "I hope he had someone to talk to and not be bottled up." It is not about wailing and being a 'victim' but death at close range does impact children very severely. He can learn to be stoic later.

In terms of violent events, if it happens in the area where we live, we do need to address it with our children. It is about fear of death and also worry about day to day safety. Talking about some measures to stay safe, what to do if something untoward happens (to the child or to someone else in sight), but at the same time, don't over do it.

Rihana, true, it is also about preparing our children for what they hear from their peers. There is a big divide on how much and what kids should know. SO some kids will come with more news (and probably a few rumors). I think the best thing we can do is tell our children to come home and talk to us, so they can hear our perspective.

More later...

teacher · Dec 17, 2012

Yes Shanthi...I saw your reply last evening but been running around in circles. Usually I read for 30-40 minutes before nodding off but now I read a couple of pages and am asleep. I am just happy that I can stay on topic here and not write information from other work I do Or even some comments on the murder mysteries I read...

Shanvy · Dec 17, 2012

Thank you. I know you are not a counsellor. but i wanted to bring in the whole concept of talk/hearing and being there/actually seeing as a parent..hence the word counsel rather than just dealing..

i understand . my kids have been through this mom is sick phase from their childhood, though they are very much in acceptance, had to wade through a period, where sonny dear refused to go to school for fear of me not being there for him when he returns back from school(he was 6)..oh, i can never forget the hugging my legs and not wanting to leave..the trigger, i went for a regular check up and they found that my heart was not doing great, i landed up in a ambulance (the country i was then thinks Indians are more susceptible to heart failures.though they were justified in not taking a risk, as i was a heart patient by then..) (sorry could not resist..sometimes incidents like your husband-mother trigger a scene/memory..)

and today both of them know that nothing is in our hands, and until then we learn to love, be positive and live life to the fullest..

hrastro · Dec 17, 2012

Dear Rama, Shanvy,

Very very useful thread, in the light of the events....

When my very very beloved aunt passed away last year, my (then) 7 year old was extremely sad, tears came to him immediately... He knew she had been sick for about 40 days but we never expected her to go, I had gone to the hospital to help out so many times and he would discuss every sms that I got about my aunt from the hospital and my cousin !!! How are the pulse rate, are the salt levels ok, did her white blood count stabilize etc etc

I told him on the way there, what to tell my uncle and cousin... He saw her one last time, all wrapped up... Then my uncle (and my dad) asked my DS to hold the stick with the light that shows my aunt the way to God (since he was the only male grandchild who was present there !!!)....

and my sister's daughters (9 and 5) and my son (7) stayed through all ceremonies for 13 days - my dad said let them face it and we also agreed!! Of course, I dont know what they discussed among themselves!

After that, for almost a week, he would ask questions - about life, death, coping...
He actually asked me "Amma, if you and dad die, I must not cry like how pedda tatha cried???"
I had to tell him, that you shouldnt cry for small stuff, but this is really big stuff and you can cry if you want!!!

What else could I have told him?

He also goes through our same hell every time FIL is sick and we have to call an ambulance :-(
First time FIL fainted, we didnt remember the appollo ambulance number (when you're tensed it just doesnt come to your mind), I was screaming on phone to my cousin to come immediately and what is the ambulance number !! She said 1066...

My son was 4 years old baby at the time !!! Then after everything was alright, my son took a sticky yellow paper post it, wrote 1066 and ambulance (from his vehicle book, he wrote the spelling!) and stuck it on his wall (near his toys) !!!