Back to Warning Bells - The Emotional Unaffordability Of Our Gifts!

dear varlotti
that was a good article.
emotional affordability quite a new term to me,butwhich we hav all seen and felt at some point of our life.
my friend has paid quite a price for it,coming to think aboutit.
she is a straight forward,frank and shy person.
when her parents started looking for her,they discovered some dosha in her jadagam.
radha(name changed) now wanted somebody who could be a realist and coming from a house where smoking ,drinking or paan was unheard of,she expected a tee totaller.
her parents searched for a match for 2 years.
then ram's alliance came up
he was a ca working in a mnc.
he was aparty drinker and his folks would celebrate each occasion with a drink.
when he came to see radha ,he told radha that he drank occasionally,but failed to mention that they drank at home.
radha for her part,seeing her parent's troubles over finding a person settled in chennai,accepted the proposal.
everything was smooth for a month after marriage.
then ram's birthday came up and bottles were opened.
radha could not stand it.
she felt fish out of water ..
when she asked ram he said that he had been open right from the start,
radha is now married for 5 years ,she has a kidof 2 years.
but to this day she fights with her husband.
in some pretext or other.
the emotional cost as u say of the gift she gave her parents
we usually get together every month.
not one time goes without her cribbing about it.
hope i have not bored u guys

Suitable Gift!

That was a very nice article!
The subject is harmonious
It often happens to me.
I do keep a distance in relation ships.
still, get some ego-pin-pricks
My heart was filled with love and compassion
Some didn't care
That I couldn't make them comprehend
So made relations worst
I learnt from my experience
Not to be close with anyone
The truth so hard to adopt
But giving us warmth whole life!

Dear Varalotti/Sridhar

A very good article indeed.

Emotional afordability is something that I have come across many a times, but did not know that was what I dealing with.
I have been in many situations like the ones that you have mentioned in the article. I once gave a beautiful stuffed rabbit which was something that my husband gave to me to a 3yrd old girl. I regretted that for a long time. I just gave the gift in the heat of the moment. My husband could have bought another one just like that, but I wanted that same one which I gave away. Was I wrong in feeling that way.

My husband and I have had many arguments about his behaviour of being very generous. I guess he is in a way lucky to have a mind and heart which does not waver like mine. But I do take solace knowing that I am not the only person who is dealing with emotional affordabiltiy. Now I will think twice or thrice before doing something after all there is no use crying over spilt milk just like VS mentioned. Thankyou so much for this article.

Regards,
Jothi.

Dear Sridhar Sir,

Very nice one. Real warning bell. May be after going through the article we will try to maintain the correct distance. But it’s only for few days. When it comes to day to day life, I feel it’s little bit impossible. It is human tendency.

Meenakshirajan

My dear Sriranjani,
How nice to get a personal note in a thread belonging to Varalotti ! You make me feel So Very Important, as though my thoughts were worth more than two pennies, oh boy ! !
I am glad to note that you are a fan of Varalotti. I like his writing too.

After wading through his article, I was so happy to understand his central idea and posted a note to get his confirmation that I had understood right. Where does Ramayana come in here ? And pray, what is Differential Equation and who is Mr.Fermat ? Please do not intimidate me, dear friend. I feel small.

But, seriously,
How each of us reacts to what we read depends on each one's personality as well as her state of mind while reading it. The Writer himself usually welcomes reviews and is amply equipped to deal with them as he wishes. Once an idea or opinion is put out in an open forum, it is open to accolades as well as criticism. And I believe the Net is Democratic and a user cannot be hanged for expressing what she thinks. By the same logic, I accept your right to vent your irritation on me . Thank you for giving me the opportunity to understand what opinion others may have of me. I can use it for some d-i-y personality development !

Cheer up, Dear ! We are in this community for some sorority- bonding and bantering and chatting around. Why, not so long ago there was talk of cooking up a pajama party too ! Where's the need to get worked up in a place like this ?
Say Cheeeeeeeeeeeeese !


Manjula a.k.a Sandy ( short for "Sand-Paper") trying to get unsanded

Dear Sridhar,

I enjoyed this article a lot. Another jewel from your bottomless treasure trove:)
You have coined very good phrases and thoughts. They will stay in my mind for timely reference.
Most of us go through motions in life and carry on without giving them the analytical thought that you seem to attribute. How often have I not gifted a person in kind or deed which I really could not emotionally afford?! Either the thought of not wanting to disappoint someone or not wanting to seem small in someone else's eye or that of my own being the motivating factor, a misplaced calculation on my part, all the same. And I am sure this happens to everyone at one or the other time. Best is not to dwell on it too much if one wants to avoid further angst on an act which is now beyond rectification.
Familiarity breeds contempt.. is a well known saying. It is something that most of us want to follow and avoid and spare hurt for all involved. This can get tricky at times. But better safe than sorry.
Do keep coming with these write ups because most of us tend to forget or neglect them, even though we are well aware of all the consequences. We need these Warning Bells.

L, Kamla

My dear Manjula,

Varalottis threads are democratic forums; they have been used to post invitation for PJ parties and also for some sweet exchange of notes between the ladies. That makes his threads quite interesting.

I am more of a critic than a fan of Varalotti. I for one use fully the democratic rights he gives to his readers in his forum. I did find fault with him when he described Rama as painted lotus and also when he described Sita's pathetic state.

Let me set the record straight, dear Manjula. I would not have posted at all had you just stopped with expressing the central idea of his article. (Even that I do not fully agree with you; it is a beautiful summation but I am afraid in this case, an oversimplification)

You went one step ahead and told the readers that

"Woman's Era is a sweet little magazine that loves its readers as its own children . It coddles and pampers them with articles that give them nice tips like "when you go out during rainy season, dont forget to carry an umbrella." Such a thoughtful, helpful magazine !"

I could not miss the insinuation in the above lines, which ultimately meant that what is stated is an obvious truth, so obvious as advising someone to carry an umbrella during rainy season. Honestly, I did not want any one to miss the article thinking it is just umbrella advice. I had no other option than to post my views.

You stated it in your own eloquent way that Net, and IL and above all Varalotti's Forum is democratic and every one is entitled to post their views. More stinging criticism has been lashed against Varalotti. But I intervened in this case , a little strongly, (I am sorry, Manjula, if I had hurt you) because I did not want the other ladies to miss out on this article, reading your summation and Womans Era allegory.

Not only now, even when I wrote my reply, I was smiling, without having to say cheese. Incidentally if you say cheese you grin like this and not really smile like this . I was doing the latter when I wrote the first response and am doing that even now.

Nice to know you, friend. Keep me posted of the next PJ party. Now apply your own motto, A smile brings sunshine. Please bring sunshine to this thread, Manjula.
While on this, I should also admit, that I admire your writings. I love your expressions and your choice of words.
Sriranjani

My dear Sriranjani

1. You give me too much importance by suggesting that anyone would turn away without reading a Varalotti article just because I sent in a two-bit post .My dear, why do you persist in thrusting undeserved glory on me ?

2. What I said about W.Era is my long- held, unchanging opinion and i did not use it merely as a prop to criticise V.tti. I continue to hold it. No loss to the publisher, I'm sure.

3. Sorry is one word I dislike using, because most of the time it is a mere funerary formality . And most don't mean it too. Given half a chance, people can resume a catfight in all its original glory! So lets not waste our respective breaths on trading sorries. I'm OK. You're Ok. Both are not sorry. Deal ?

4. No, you did not hurt me. I do not get hurt easily. Remember my nickname at home is Sandpaper. ( i'm not joking Sriranjani,its really, truly true!)

5. I am always smiling , have no doubt. Sometimes crookedly, at times wickedly, but I never forget to smile. Isn't that why I made it my byline ?

6. Thanks for your compliments. You often sprout an interesting phrase yourself. Always a pleasure to duel with an eloquent communicator.



Manjula , universal-friend

Dear Varalotti,
This is a supplementary response, posted to explain my first.

The first reaction on reading the article was a et-tu-brutus type of despair. Having expressed your dislike of New Age Gurus , the notorious re-packagers of old wisdom, just a few days ago , you have now turned into a Pop Bodhisattva dishing out New Age psychology.

Ever since the ghostwriters at Bush-land started conjuring up pretty phrases to dress up inconvenient mishaps, common human follies of any kind have metamorphosed into wonderous phenomena. We had "Collateral damage" on one side and "wardrobe malfunctions" on the other. And a whole dictionary of newfangled idioms in between. The chatterati found this new lexicon very useful as it made them all look sagacious .
Colourful copy on page 5 is fine. But if it comes to working up a new scare headlined with intimidating jargon, I do not agree at all. Not very long ago we had some young Ils (NRIs)flummoxed by something they had never heard back in India: "MidLife Crisis". It took patient explanation by some wise, senior ILs to put them at ease ; that it was not some new bug-a-boo like AIDS, just ordinary "Naappathu vayasil naai gunam" stuff that anyone can tide over without much ado.
Very similar is this "Emotional Affordability". We keep making choices in life , as necessitated by circumstances, and deal with consequences as a matter of routine experience. We learn to bite what we can chew or chew what we have bitten off, with some effort. Now that you have given it a ponderous name, impressionable idiots like me will be clawing up the wall everytime a choice needs to be made , agonising over how well my emotions can afford it and if unaffordable, working up a guilt complex for living beyond means.

For poor me it was no warning bells, more like "for whom the bell tolls".

Manjula-having-finally- decided-I-can-emtionally-afford-to- rant

Oh my gal.......Manjula:))))))))))))))))))))

For poor me it was no warning bells, more like "for whom the bell tolls".

Can't type, I am shaking from laughter. Will go get a morning cuppa now.....

You CAN write! And how.......

L, Kamla