Mothers-in-law, Kidney Transplantation and Airport Trolleys - Varalotti In The US 6

I am yet to come out of the pleasant shock of the overwhelming response I got from the wonderful ladies for my mothers-in-law and dinosaurs thread. Don’t you think that it is quite natural for me to bask in that glory for some more time?

Last time we just saw the raw, brutal survival power of the dinosaurs and used that as a metaphor to partially understand the power of one’s mil. This time we will go into the qualities.


I hear booing and shouting, “No Varalotti, not again.

No more marketing gimmicks. You cannot have us every time. We are surely going to cry Wolf now.”

Mesdames, please trust me and wait till I finish the thread. If you then feel that I showed Aishwarya Rai’s photo and then at the time of marriage brought in Bindu Gosh, then you can do to me whatever you like to. Now read on.

I have observed, that barring some golden (or diamond, platinum or if you can think of something rarer still, better) exceptions, mils reject their dils. I used to wonder, how can women have two extreme faces, the mother’s face from which flows unconditional love and the mil’s face from which is spewed absolute hatred. (Well, I have already talked about the exceptions. What I forgot to mention earlier was that all the mils who are ILites fall into the golden, platinum and diamond classes).

In one extreme case I found a lady showering love on her own niece till she got married.


Unfortunately she got married to her own son. And then she took the mil’s avatar and began treating her niece as any other mil would treat her dil.

Even the so called good, reasonable, kind mils tend to reject their dils first. The dil has to fight her way to her mil’s heart. In some cases the fight is endless. Many reasonable mils tend to accept their dils after about five years.

There is another phenomenon I observed. Mils living with their dils in a joint family set-up take, on an average, much longer time to accept their dils than mils living away.

About an year ago one ILite was explaining to me the kind of ill-treatment she suffered at the hands of her mil. It went to such an extreme that at one point even her children’s lives were at risk, she told me with tearful eyes.


But when the mil became pretty old, she realised her dils worth. When other children offered to take her with them she refused them all and insisted that she would live only with the dil whom she ill-treated earlier.


The acceptance of dil came way too late. But for the dil, it was a glorious, defining, touching moment. She took care of the old lady like her own mother till her death.

Now it’s time we jump on from Ammavasai to Abdul Khadar. I mean the second word in the title. So let’s leave the mils alone for a while.

Kidney transplants have become common these days. Our ILites are all well informed. So I need not tell you that before deciding on the donor, Doctors, do a lot of tests to see if there is a near-perfect match.

Invariably the donor would be a close relative of the donee. (You might remember that when MGR had to go for a transplant, his brother’s (M.G.Chakrapani) daughter Leela donated hers. But even then – no I should actually say EVEN THEN – the body rejects the donated kidney.

And it is quite logical. For the body’s immune system any thing that comes from outside is foreign matter. And it does not know whether what is coming in is a disease-producing germ or a life-giving organ.

And the rejection can be sudden and severe, when it is called acute rejection or it can be over a period of time, when it is called chronic rejection.

As soon as the kidney is transplanted the immuno-system pounces upon it and tries to destroy it with all the weapons in its armory.

Doctors know a very clever way of circumventing this problem. They prescribe what is known as immuno-suppressant drugs.


These are really wonderful drugs, for they do not destroy the immune system, which is also essential for one’s survival. These drugs just temporarily block the immuno system from acting upon the transplanted organ.

Well is not the connection clear? Mils act like immune systems and initially reject their dils as if they were germs, not knowing that the dils are beautiful organs transplanted into their own family, for growth and propogation. And even if the dil comes from a known family, even if she were mils own niece, (even though the donor is closely related to the donee and the match is perfect, in the case of the kidney transplant) the dil is still rejected.

A rejection does not call for the destructoin of the immuno-system. That will be catastrophic. What is needed is just a temporary block of the immune system. After a while the immune system would let down its defences.


Of course there are rare occasions where the transplant patients have to take immunosuppressants for life. But here lies the finest lesson. Even in that extreme condition the immuno system is not destroyed. Only its rejection-capabilities are blocked.

In view of the sensitive nature of the subject I tend to talk more in kidney language than in mil language. Of course I am sure kidneys would not line up against me. But I am not sure about the other category.

Now there is another unconnected phenomenon waiting in the queue to be tied up to mils and kidneys. Let me give it a try.

When I had to transfer from the domestic to the international terminal of Chatrapathi Shivaji Airport, Mumbai I had to push down my luggage trolley along a slope.


The trolley was quite heavy and the slope, pretty steep. I was straining my hands, holding it. I was afraid that it was going to slide down the slope without me. At one point of time my pain got the better of me. I saw that there was no one standing in the other end. ‘Damn it’, I said and let go of the trolley.

I thought it would slide down fast and crash against the wall on the other end. My suit case might take a hit and might get damaged. But to my utter surprise the trolley just stood there. What happened? Did they announce an hour off for all the gravitational laws just to help Varalotti?

Airport trolleys are designed with a default brake. That is the brake will be on constantly. When you want to move the trolley you need to press a lever which releases the brakes and it moves on. I had been pushing the lever all along to make it move and was also complaining that it was moving fast. (Typical of me).

So when I let it go, the brakes were activated and the trolley came to a screeching halt immediately. Thereafter it was a breeze to walk it to the end of the slope. When I felt the stress I would just take off my hands. To control the speed I would partially release the brakes and let it go slow. I never looked back.

What has this to do with the mil? Well, when everything fails, remember the four magic words. “GIVE UP” and “LET GO” Many times you will be surprised to find that you were holding the brakes or holding the accelerator the wrong way and the solution will emerge.

After all these things does not a mil appear a manageable phenomenon? Best of luck.

Sridhar Sir,
I usually read your article to see how you connect Amavasai to Abdul Kadar. Always you find the connection between those two and also do justice to your titles.
Very nice connection, nice article and a nice advice at the end.
Hereafter i will be thinking of your article whenever i get the chance to see the trolley.
sriniketan

Sridhar sir
Lovely post. I just loved the way you linked Mils,Kidney transplant and trolleys.
The post was very enjoyable.. the reason being, the wonderful concept of linking totally unrelated terms very familiar to all of us.

The final few lines were golden.."GIVE UP" & "LET GO".
Not just Mils, this concept when applied universally will strengthen all relationships..then where is the chance to complain about strained relationships? It also paves way for "self reflection" and makes one a refined human.

Regards
Sowmya

hi sridhar sir,

Wonderful link up again....so i am not going to cry wolf.......

As there is a corollory to every theorem we learn
I know of a niece illtreating the aunt the moment she became the dil...
I have also seen a true case in a reputed hospital where the Daughter in law had poisoned her own motherinlaw....... (here i know for sure i am in the line of fire....)

Again the immuno suppressants are the other family members in a family environment...they need to only give steady stability to the family instead of taking sides...either the body or the kidney.......

Again when we reach the end of our limit..aka saturation point..it is better to let go and give up than to hurt each other..............

I believe there is no problem without a solution...when you feel there is no solution it means it was not a problem in the first place at all....

What Sridhar, in US and suffering from Mother-in-law syndrome ?!! What could have brought it on I wonder ?
Now that you have taken the mil down the dino' path and the dil remains to be a kidney, I wonder, what next!
One thing is for sure, like Sriniketan says, next time we see the Indian airport trolley, we all will suffer Varalotti syndrome...brake or no brake.
I second Sriniketan's observance...you sure know how to connect Amavasai to Abdul Kadar brilliantly.

L, Kamla

Dear Sridhar Sir,

After reading your article, I went back to read your profile. Charted accountant by profession, who a deal with numbers... writes & talks about human emotions & behavior, sounds interesting! Is this called mind over matter or mind over heart?

And your write -up is very subtle& true! If the former (M-L) needs respect & reassurance the latter one ( D-L) needs acceptance & encouragement!

However, I guess, there is difference between 'give up' & scarifies. Giving up from heart, one feels good but not scarifies. M-L may realize the value & importance of D-L in the end of her life...but she had already caused enough damage to her( D-L’s) feelings. No doubt, the D-L will serve her but she can never forget the wound caused her M-L.

Then, the 'kidney language' is very elaborate; I came to know more about kidney transplantation!

Finally, trolley compared to M-L is very ' thought provoking'!

Dear Sriniketan,

I establish the connection upfront before even I think of writing an article like this. In fact I was inspired to write this only I read about immuno suppressants on the Net.

When I was in California a relative of mine living there called me. He told me that he is looking for a bride for his 30 plus year old son. That he was trying for the past two years and nothing happened.

He was looking for some kind of a break. He wanted me to suggest something. Well, I do not have any database of girls in that age (or for that matter in any age). So I told him, as you have struggled hard for two years, exhausting all possible alternatives, it is better now you give up and let go. That is one alternative you have not tried so far. Who knows that might be the right one.

He was happy. So I thought of using it. And the airport experience came in handy.

I am happy you enjoyed it Sriniketan.
love,

Thanks, Sowmya. What you say is correct. Give up and let go are the four magical words that will bring us peace and happiness any time.
We always tend to think that we are managing our affairs, that we are managing the world with our little brains. But when things do not happen the way we think the would, we get frustrated. Then only we realise that we had no say in the matter right from the beginning. So we give up and let go. And that's a really beautiful moment in life.

Thats the moment of realisation.
regards,

Shanthi,
thanks for not crying wolf.
You are right. There is always the 'other side' to the coin. There is always the converse. But the dil poisoning the mil, I think, should be quite exceptional. Like the mils who want to kill their dils.
I remember my friend's sister's mil. She virtually ill-treated her dil to death. The poor lady died when she was hardly thirty leaving two wonderful kids.
The mil wanted to go in for another marriage for her son. But the whole town knew the story and no one was ready to trust their girl with that family.
The boy became depressed, fell sick and died when he was not even forty five only.
Only a few years back I learnt that the kids had grown up, got good jobs and are now happily married.

I also knew about dils who almost starved their mils to death.

I like your ingenuous way of comparing the other members of the family to immuno-suppressants. That is a good suggestion. But at times the other members side with the immune system and make the rejection even more forceful.
I think that the husband has to play the role of an immuno-suppressant. He has to educate his mother about the role of his wife. At the same he should listen to his wife when she complains about his mother. And should listen to his mother when she complains about his wife. Then patiently explain the role the other woman has to play.

I believe there is no problem without a solution...when you feel there is no solution it means it was not a problem in the first place at all...

Wonderful words, Shanthi. A great truth so elegantly expressed. Hats off to you.

regards,