Mothers-in-law, Kidney Transplantation and Airport Trolleys - Varalotti In The US 6

Varalotti Syndrome? Very soon psychiatrists will study about this pathological conditions and start presribing medicines and therapies.
I am not sure what wll be prognosis. Some may say that for a while you keep off Varalotti's forums.
But a good doctor will say, that a poison can be broken only by another one. So keep reading Varalotti's forums and read more of it. Either you will be cured of the syndrome or become so used to VS that you will no longer feel that it is a disease.

Thanks for the nice words about my ability to connect A and AK. But actually my role is limited. A and AK are connected already. But the thread is invisible. I just strained my eyes a little more and saw the thread and wrote about it in these threads.

Considering some of the vociferous responses I think I will keep off mils and dils for a while. Let me shift to some neutral ground for some time.

love,

Dear Anu Shiv,

Thanks for checking my antecedents after reading this article. I have written about this somewhere in this site. I don't remember where.

When I was working for a company a long time back, my boss, who was not an accountant remarked, "You accountants know the price of everything but the value of nothing."

I was stung by these remarks. It was haunting me so much that I have written dozens of articles on this aspect of accountant alone. Of course there are accountants who know nothing else but money. But they are mostly exceptions who prove the rule.

As we know the limitations of money much better than everybody else, we can appreciate non-monetary aspects better. Even now when I advice somebody on tax and other matters, I don't forget to add the non-monetary dimension of the problem.

I love the distinction between giving up and sacrifice. Yes sacrifice is painful and the person who made it never forgets that. Whereas when you give up, you simply release yourself and move on. There is no pain involved.

I am happy that you like my explanation about kidney transplantation and airport trolleys.

regards,

Originally Posted by varalotti

Shanthi,
thanks for not crying wolf.
You are right. There is always the 'other side' to the coin. There is always the converse. But the dil poisoning the mil, I think, should be quite exceptional. Like the mils who want to kill their dils.
I remember my friend's sister's mil. She virtually ill-treated her dil to death. The poor lady died when she was hardly thirty leaving two wonderful kids.
The mil wanted to go in for another marriage for her son. But the whole town knew the story and no one was ready to trust their girl with that family.
The boy became depressed, fell sick and died when he was not even forty five only.
Only a few years back I learnt that the kids had grown up, got good jobs and are now happily married.

I also knew about dils who almost starved their mils to death.

I like your ingenuous way of comparing the other members of the family to immuno-suppressants. That is a good suggestion. But at times the other members side with the immune system and make the rejection even more forceful.
I think that the husband has to play the role of an immuno-suppressant. He has to educate his mother about the role of his wife. At the same he should listen to his wife when she complains about his mother. And should listen to his mother when she complains about his wife. Then patiently explain the role the other woman has to play.

I believe there is no problem without a solution...when you feel there is no solution it means it was not a problem in the first place at all...

Wonderful words, Shanthi. A great truth so elegantly expressed. Hats off to you.

regards,

Sridhar sir,

Thanks for reading my fb and also your comments on it. as you have already mentioned, in IL there are lot of complaints about the mils, but do you mean to say that mils will not be having any complaints.... i dont think so....but i have been thinking about this for quite some time....

I am a dil. I took package as it is. But in the small circle of relatives and friends I have there has been a 30% mil in the -ve and 60% dils in the negative..

I have also come across mil wanting the son to hit the dil.. sadistic satisfaction...??? even mil who will not allow her son to be close with the dil....

I have seen dil who lock the kitchen and leave the mil/fil to starve.. (again you may say it is exceptional...)

There are cases where the husband/son has been given ultimatum to chose between the mother and wife...here i would say the husband is at fault that he could not man-manage them.

I know, I know for every example you will give me a counter example..because they are always going to be there.

My FIL says matthalatthu rendu pakkamum idi...that is son/husband is the mathalam. But if the husband can strike a balance then the stablility in the relationship is equated. so as you say the husband has to be the immuno-suppressant and has to take his role seriously. The reaction/rejection from other family members most of the time depends on the husband/son.

I think both dil and mil have to condition themselves. the DIL that she is going into a new family and has to adjust a little.. and accept the whole family ...(like the new kidney..) and the MIL has to accomodate and understand the DIL (like the body accomodating the new kidney).

Sorry for butting in again......

Dear Varallotti Sir, Wonderful right up abt the mils, kidney transplantations and trolleys. I agree that husbands should serve as immuno-suppressants. Not only that they are the ones who should portray the necessity of both mil and dil to all the other members of the family. He should explain the best qualities of his mother to the newly wedded wife and make her understand and explain what is expected out of her by the family. In the same manner, he should also explain the goodness of his wife to his family. The balancing act has to be done by the men and the men who do this balancing correctly have a peaceful married life. (eg. My husband). Initially when the dil comes into the family she is worried abt her acceptance in the family. She strives hard to satisfy everyone. Some are successful and some are not. Similarly mils also should change the attitude that the dil has come only to separate their sons from them.

Nice interpretation with trolleys. So if we know where to apply brakes correctly we can make our lives more and more smoother.

You did not butt again, Shanthi, but came up with a lot of supplementary points to add up to the value of the thread.

For every example there is a counter example. In general I would says that with respect to marriages which happened let's say some 10 or 15 years before, it was the dil who suffered the most, unless she went out to set up a separate home for herself and her husband. But with regard to marriages that happened in less than ten years it was the mil who suffered more. Of course I should say that in general the 'suffering' has reduced substantially in the recent days.

I am not propounding this as a rule. There are of course a number of exceptions to the rule.

Well,"Mathalathukku Irandu pakkam idi" will apply with equal force to the dil as well as to her husband. There are many husbands who feel helpless before their wives as well as before their parents.

And finally it is a question of adjustment. And of, how far you can go to accommodate some one who is inherently hostlie to you. How you do it and how you come out of it, determines how happy you will be in your life.

Thanks Shanthi for your valuable contribution.
regards,

Sridhar sir,
I enjoyed reading, especially the comparison between MIL and the kidney transplantation. It’s really a higher level of thinking. Guess the doctors (poor guys) have to monitor every now and then until the body accepts the organ completely. I liked the trolley comparison too. Will try if my trolley stops when applied brake.

I also liked your article “Are you really healthy”.
I am giving the fb here because I could not find the reply tab there.
A very interesting article! Very nicely said that people need to balance health, emotions and intellectual thinking. I have started to work on that.

Looking forward for many more,
regards,

Sindhuja

Dear Sujatha,

You have clearly underlined the role of a husband in all the mil-dil affairs. In the Indian context mil-dil relationship is pretty crucial and those who succeed in that area have a happy and peaceful life.

Sujatha, I have devoted a lot of my threads for this relationship. I have a guilty feeling that I did not do enough either as a husband or as a son. Perhaps I am assuaging my guilt feelings by writing a lot about this relationship. I should admit that I was a little hurt when another member made fun of my "beaten track" threads while promoting his. But I still feel this relationship is peculiarly Indian and has not been studied enough.

I cant take any credit for the trolley lesson for it was God-given. The lesson came to me with such a force and such a grace that it will be silly to take credit for it. God sort of 'forwarded' the lesson to me.

Thanks Sujatha for the wonderful words.
regards,

Dear Sindhuja,
Thanks.
Yes Doctors spend a lot of sleepless nights after kidney transplantation.

Now the trolleys. They come with built-in brakes which are constantly on. When you want to move a trolley you need to push the brake to release it. While moving the trolley you should constantly keep on pushing the lever. When you take your hands off the trolley, the brakes are on and the trolley comes to a sudden stop. Though I know the mechanism as clearly as the back of my hand, on that fateful day I forgot it and then the lesson came in a flash.

I am heartened to see that you like the thread "Are you really healthy?". When I wrote that two years ago, it was not very popular. But I have seen many suffering from Alzheimers and Parkinsons for the only reason that they did not exercise their brains adequately.

All the best,

Dear Sridhar,

That was too good. Had me in splits. While agree with your analogy, i do have to say that these days, DILs too need Transplants and immunosuppressants to handle the MILs.

Yes your punch line was so apt. Give up and Let go, yes thats the atitude to have in a lot of the relationships these days.

Now the trolleys, yes i I have seen them and they are so usefull , especially when you have a 4 year old trying to show off his strength by pushing those things with 4 huge suitcases piled on top of it!!
But yes, applying the brakes in real life and taking things as they come are makes us better able to handle different situations.

Vandhana

Dear Vandhana,

Thanks.

Well, dils are the transplanted kidneys. So the immuno suppressants given to mil is only for the protection of dils.

The words give up and let go have been haunting in my memory for quite some time. I love the words so much, but many a time I find it difficult to put them into practice. The airport trolley was my teacher for a while and reinforced the lesson.

May be, Vandhana, the two-month long US trip might give me some more strength to implement that lesson.

regards,