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MIL-DIL Misunderstanding to More Understanding - share the transition story

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mstrue, May 29, 2010.

  1. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    MIL-DIL friction is universal. But let us hope, pray and say it is not eternal. A transition from 'misunderstanding to more understanding' is still possible. It has happened in some MIL-DIL worlds. It will happen in many MIL-DIL worlds. Folks share your POSITIVE experience here.. It could be your MIL who misunderstood your actions but later understood you for your love. OR it could be you who misunderstood your MIL's actions but now understood it in the right sense.

    Either way, there is a move in the positive direction. How did this transition occur? What changed the dynamics? How did you or your MIL understood the best intentions of the other?

    Share your thoughts.. illustrate the incidents and the misinterpretations and the transitions. You never know..Your posts may render a new perspective on things which could make a significant difference in somebody's life. :thumbsup


    Last but not the least, my thanks to Sunny who was the inspiration behind this thread. Her inspiring post:
    PS: Thanks Sri(Vidya75), for correcting the typo in title. :)shhh: Nobody tell my friend ID about the typo. OK)
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2010
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  2. contented

    contented Senior IL'ite

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    124 views and no replies...:confused2:

    I think everyone who viewed this thread are still in the "mis" understanding phase and havnt transitioned to the "more" understanding phase yet !:crazy:rotfl
    Ms True why dont you share your experiences :wink:
     
  3. sunny2009

    sunny2009 New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    The title is very apt and I strongly believe that everyone at some point of time will reach this phase.I wish every daughter-in-law gets such a pahse in their lifes.
    First of all I wanna thank Mstrue for encouraging me to write in this thread.
    Its a long story to begin with,My inlaws hav 2 sons I'm the eldest daughter-in-law.They dont hav daughters(only 2 sons).
    When I got married I was doing my masters degree so life was totally busy.Stress at the college, as my course was into medical side, and I had to wrk alot in the college, need to prepare for case presentations, seminars etc..And the distance to travel was also very long.So I couldnt involve myself at home.
    Mornings I used to go to college in a hurry and evenings I used to come home tired.So hardly I used to get anytime for my inlaws.The misunderstandings began within 2-3 months of marriage.Actually I need to tell abt my MIL's nature, She is very soft,caring and helping natured person.But she's very much obsessed with household things,her son etc..So she never used to allow me to do any household wrk at home, she used to do every single wrk all by herself.We had a cook, so no cooking is needed, we hav a maid so no washing clothes and cleaning utensils.Only things such as folding clothes, sweeping rooms etc were the things to do which were happily done by MIL and she never belives that only DIL must do all those things.As I m into studying,she often tells me go and study .She never allowed me to do even simpler tasks related to my DH.So I used to feel very much left out, as I was not involved in anything.I'm a very talkative person but I couldnt open up myself in front of my inlaws.So my days used to be just go out to college, come home take rest, study, hav dinner and sleep.As my DH was very intovert and ours was arranged marriage he was also not chatting much in the early days.It was like hell for me as no one were their to talk to me and I used to cry almost every day and no one used to know that m crying also.And then my DH went abroad for onsite wrk for 1 month.SO I used to feel very lonely and my inlaws used to pester me that when ll u give us a grandson(not on a serious note)But I used to feel very bad with every thing they spoke of.If I come late, they used to ask as soon as I enter , y ru late.I used to feel , what hell is this.But I couldnt see their concern as they dont hav daughters and also they get tensed if their sons also were late.Just like that they get tensed if I'm l;ate as I go to college on my scooty.Basically my in laws were over protective and care more for their loved ones and I was their top priority and I never sensed this.I used to feel I dont have nay freedom and no space for me.As she loves her son the most, she never allowed me to do his wrks, like preparing lunch box,tea,serving BF,Lunch,and Dinner.It was like my existence was totally ignored.
    let me goive u one simple example, I washed my DH's clothes in wahsing machine(as he doesnt like maid's way of washing clothes) and my MIL complained that I didnt wash properly and banians are not sparkling in white AND SAID Dont wash his clothes, I'll do that.I felt very bad and cried at DH.He immediately asked his mom, y did u scold her.That was first issue at home.My MIL couldnt take it, as her son was supporting me and alos, If my DIL felt bad, she could hav said to me na, y did she complained her husband.That was the start of all troubles.
    And I was very arrogant those days,(I admit it openly),and I used to give back answers and sometime yell at them.As my MIL is very sensitive, and she almost do everything for me , she used to feel, y my DIL doesnt like me.I used to hav catfights for silly issues and for 2 years of my college life these issues continued.And whenever v had fight DH used to interfere, and the issue used to become a big hell, my inlaws(including FIL), my DH and myself used to cry as all of us are very emotional ppl.Its not that I was wrong all the time, even my MIL used to create issues over petty things.But the troubles were started by me, and she distanced herself from me.
    After I finished college, my inlaws decided to shift upstairs as they make woodwrk as they are planning for my brother-in-laws marriage.By then my FIL also retired so he is at home only.
    I got all the free space I needed and my relation with DH was also strenghtened.And I changed my nature, attended Mediation classes , learned to keep control on my anger.Even though my inlaws started living separately, they never spoke a single word abt me.They never said that bcos of my DIL v shifted.I was totally shocked an realised how gr8 they were.Even once also they didnt spoke bad of me.Then I gradually started putting efforts to strenghten the strained realtions.I got the oppurtunity with my FIL's 60th bday.I planned and worked hard for the shastipurthi occasion and my inlaws were pretty happy with that.It was a gr8 success and immediately after shastipurthi I cocieved.So everything went well.But unfortunately I had lost my pregnancy.At the time of DNC, i was given aneastesisa and I cried alot ,calling for my inlaws first and then they also realised that I care and love them much.My MIL was very supportive with me then, even my parents didnt turn up, shje didnt sya a single word.( she never talked anything bad abt my parents, who simply washed their hands after my marriage).
    After 3 months, I coceived again and I had diabetes so was on insulin.My MIL took good care of me.She helped me in my preganacy and alos at the time of delivary.We still had some little issues but not in serious note, they still live in upstairs but v dont cook separately.
    Our daily life is like this:
    Every day morn I get up early, prepare tea for my inlaws and DH and then prepare lunch for Dh. My MIl wakes up late as she cant sleep much in nights, and comes down, and helps me in the kitchen.Takes care of my son, meanwhile I prepare lunch for my DH.They hav BF with me and go to upstairs after DH leaves for office an d they take my son along with them.I finish bath and other household chores.Meanwhile cook comes and cooks lunch for them.If I dont cook anything for me , i'll go upsatirs and hav lunch there.Evenings also my inlaws hav dinner at my place.Weekends v all hav BF<Lunch<Dinner at upstairs.
    I bring all the groceries and vegetables.
    We never had issues with money, even when v had catfights earilier days.
    So I can say we are all a happy family, with personal space , and freedom .NO one troubles anyone and just for convinenece they stay at upstairs.
    Its like a joint family only and I dont fight on silly issues with them anymore.Even my MIL involves me in everything and never comes in between me and DH.
    I find good rapport with my inlaws and feel sorry for all the trouble I gav them earlier 2 years.
    To end with, I strongly believe that everyone shld work hard to hav a good relationship with MIL.This is the one relation which is at starin , as bothe the women love one person and wants to keep him forver.The possessiveness must be understood and each of them shld give space to other.Even husbands play a good role in maintaing the MIL_DIL relations.MY DH has made me realise how good his parents are and also made his mom realise how good I"m.Even my MIL also changed alot, she not obsessive with her son anymore and she knows i'm there to take good care of him.She trusts me completely.Only negative thing is , my helath.I'm not that fit naymore and frequently fall ill .but my MIL dont complains abt this but I know she also need to get rest.She also nedds to be pampered and get seva done by me.I'm sure i'll definitely fullfill her wish and do take care of the home, and her also.
    One thing I want to say, I never imagined that I'll stenghten my realtionship with inlaws, but with so much hardwork and patience I got my inlaws back.I can proudly say that my family is a happy family.Touchwood!
     
  4. contented

    contented Senior IL'ite

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    So nice to read your post sunny dear. I am so happy for you... All is well that ends well :thumbsup
     
  5. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    You are welcome, Sunny! Thanks for taking the time to share your experiences here. :)

    You have consolidated the many years into a single post so nicely and explained the transition very smoothly. It was nice reading especially the happy ending which infact was the new beginning. :thumbsup

    I am sure many can relate to your post. Hope to hear from them too. Well done. :cheers
     
  6. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Hi Contented,

    It could be a different reason..my post could be misleading..
    My guess is that viewers are misled to think that the thread calls for only DILs that are 100% compatible with their ILs..

    Whereas, my intention was to call DILs to share their positive experiences even if it means they have just ONLY ONE instance to quote where they mistook/have been mistaken first but later they/MIL realised the true intention. 100% compatibility is a rare thing even between spouses.

    How the relationship migrated from one level of understanding to another in the positive direction is all this thread calls for. It does not matter how far they have migrated..

    Now that I make it clear, let us hope we get to hear from fellow friends. if not, let us remind ourselves that "Sometimes we may not strike the right chord" :)

    Sure, Contented. I shall do it. Just that I take more time to get my thinking into words.. and so is the delay. But I will pitch in one of these days. :thumbsup
     
  7. RashmiR

    RashmiR New IL'ite

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    Wow!! It was so inspiring to read ur post sunny.. Touchwood!! Wish all DIL's and MIL's realise their mistakes and run a smooth life..
     
  8. shree2010

    shree2010 New IL'ite

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    Excellent post Sunny.

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 4, 2010
  9. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Usually one party does something out of good intention and some other party might mistake it. Eventually the other would realize and turn more understanding towards the first one.

    In my case,
    I am both parties. :)

    Yes.. I was the one whose good intentions were mistaken by some.
    And again I am the one who did my homework to understand why it was mistaken. Now that I could justify their 'mistaking', I am the one who turned more understanding towards them.

    It is all me because my first set of Questions to any of my problems would be, "What did I do? What must have I done? What can I do now for the betterment?". So no wonder, my solution always involves me and revolves around me even if it means I will be the only one who will have to implement all changes it takes.

    When some of my good intentions were not taken in the right sense,
    ofcourse I felt bad and hurt. I wanted to be one with the family. But
    the problem was I just rushed in.. I did not assess how ready the people at the receiving end were with the new addition.

    My natural knee jerk reaction was to retaliate.
    But good for me, I took some time to react. I have read in KopMeyer books, years before my marriage, that
    'Not reacting is also a reaction'. My favorite reaction ever since. I followed it - 'not reacting'. That helped me not to spill words/actions out of haste and regret later.

    Hand in hand, I analyzed and understood why in the first place my good intentions did not look 'that good' to others. When I put myself in their shoes, I understood their state of mind, insecurity, possessiveness. When I carefully sidelined those traits, I could also see their good nature, love, care and concern for me. Now what?!

    In my opinion, it is better to mend our ways than WAIT for others to mend their ways. So why wait for them. Why not, I take the steps to mend the situation? I realised what needed to be done. I trained myself to step back or step in per the situation. To be an insider and/or outsider as per the call. It made/makes a huge impact. I do not breed hatred. No extra baggage. I turned more understanding regardless of whether I am being understood or misunderstood.

    The silent amiable vibes I send are received with more warmth than my explicit words. I am happy to see the positive change it brought/brings about in my much valued relations. :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2010
  10. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hats off to you sunny. Well done.
     

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