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  1. #1
    Jayanthi2010 is offline New ILite
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    Default MIL's story.......I am MIL.

    Recently, I came across this site and have been reading since then.
    Mostly, it is the DILs here but my case is reverse. I am the MIL.

    I have 2 sons and 1 daughter. One son and daughter live in US and another son lives in India in another city and visits different countries for work related things.
    We are leading a retired life here in India mostly away from children.

    The son and daughter who is in US had love marriage while they were in India. The one son here had arranged marriage. We never opposed their decision of marriage in anyway. My husband and I always prefer to live away from grown children.

    We went to visit them in US, DIL was working then. I asked my DIL to not send children from school to after school care since we are here. She says after we leave the kids will get used to that and make a fuss. Kids are 9 and 6.
    Is there any sense in what she is saying? Can't the kids that age understand that grandparents left so we need to stay at day care?? If she really fears that then we said we will explain that but she refused.
    When they come to India, she will stay with us along with kids for 4 days in 3 weeks time. If we want to see the kids and call she will say she will come but come only for a couple of hours . Never leave the kids with us alone.
    Are we going to harm our own grandchildren?
    Ask her anything and she will compare with my daughter. One time, I just told her these dishwashers are such a convenience and she felt bad as though I said she is enjoying life better than my daughter who works and when I said this my DIL was not working. We never bothered they work or not, how much they earn, what they do etc etc. We get our pension and we live with that.
    I told her once my other DIL in India can make besan ladoos and your FIL likes those very much. She went and told her husband that I am comparing her with her cosister. Did I say she can't and the other can? I was just prasing the other one but that is also wrong. I praise this DIL infront of the other one in India on so many aspects and the other DIL agrees too but never confronts like this. I also praise them if they do something I liked right then and there. I don't hold myself for admiring their capabilities.
    They bought house, my son called and told us and asked about some ceremony. I told him to give to DIL as I can explain her better. He gives some excuses as she is in bathroom, doing puja, went out etc. Never makes effort to call again when she is there. They need that kind of advice from us but she will not talk.
    We bought 3 small plots of land for them from our money. It was their fathers decision to gift them like that. My other son/Dil, daughter/soninlaw expressed their happiness over it and this son in US also said he was happy with us gifting them land but DIL will never even call about it.

    My husband was very sick sometime back. Had asthma attack and was hospitalised. Everyone called to check his well being except this DIL. She never even asked later how he is doing or showed any concern. Not that it will get any better with her asking but so indifferent her behavior is.

    When I went to US, I asked her what she is unhappy about. She said we failed to understand her in the begininig itslef. When I told her to explain further she said we are interfering too much. This DIL living this far says that we are interfering while the other DIL living 2 hrs from us does not complain. I don't know where we are interfering. She says I like the other DIL more and am good with her since I may need her as she is near to me.

    You all shared how your MILs are and I am sharing my story too......vice versa though.


  2. #2
    saipavani123 is offline Senior ILite
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    Default Re: MIL's story.......I am MIL.

    Hello :)

    yeah even MIL faces these kind of issues. Not only DIL's ..Ma'am this is purely understanding problem....In fact your problem is other side of coin in some of the many DIL issues here....No one is wrong... Not every person in this world understands every others mind easily...even if you have no intentions behind it...people don't take it right way. That's why we see lot of issues in this forums ..isn't it ?? Your DIl is kind of insecure about everything i guess..her kids ..etc... Did you try to praise her infront of her instead of your other DIL ?? Try doing that next time. Might be she will feel better. People start complaining about interference very easily...a small advice and they say it interference..... try not givin any advices to your Son even...I know it sounds very difficult...but when your Son calls for any advices on ceremonies tell him You people do not like to interfere in their lives ( He must be knowing she told this to you...because he knows she doesn't speak to you on phone) ....might be then they will know difference between advice and interference... I understand difficulty you faced all these years to raise your kids... I hope you will also understand these small mis-understandings from your DIL's side and forgive her if she hurts you in anything and be normal with her as you are with your other DIL. And yeah most of the women would like to hear SHE being praised....not every woman can take other's being praised infront of her... ....

    All the Best


    Last edited by saipavani123; 25th February 2010 at 09:39 PM.

  3. #3
    radsahana's Avatar
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    Default Re: MIL's story.......I am MIL.

    Hello Mam,

    Firstly i will appreciate you and your husband that you are living independently. Vow that kind of thinking is really very good, which shows that you dont want to interfere much in ur childrens life.

    As from your post, i can say that ur US Dil seems to be very insecure person. For fear that kids may get attached to you more, she is not allowing them to spend time with you, which is ofcourse childish. Iam staying with my inlaws till recently when i came to USA (for 7 years, right form mrg), mainly bcoz kids can enjoy grandparents company and they too. I understand in old age granparents enjoy grand kids company more.

    I know it hurts, when one is accused for not of their fault. Best thing will be leave the issue, since u already tried and it was of no use. Maybe with sometime, she herself will realise her childishness and come forward to talk and mix in the family.

    Radhika


  4. #4
    shivachoubey's Avatar
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    Default Re: MIL's story.......I am MIL.

    Dear Jayanthi,

    Welcome to the site. My two cents here will be if you have tried mending ways with your DIl and she is still stubborn, leave her alone.

    Be with people who like you and love you and not with people who don't understand you. You have given your 100% now let her deal with it.

    Its sad that she is keeping the grandchildren away from you but the fact of life is that they are her children.

    There is so much to life, so forget about this one person who is not showing you proper attention.

    Be polite and cordial with her. After a point you can't do much about it.

    All the very best and have a great day ahead.

    regards


  5. #5
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    Default Re: MIL's story.......I am MIL.

    Hi Janyanthi,

    The thing with relationships.... is you shouldn't have expectations about them. For example, when you go out during the day, you don't assume that everyone you meet will turn into a friend. Sometimes people just don't click together, and it looks like you and your US dil are two of those people. Just as every stranger won't become a friend to you, not every relative will have the relationship with you that you wished for.

    I know after giving land and trying to keep in touch it would hurt when you are shrugged off. So knowing that she is not keen on keeping a tight relationship, just let it go and keep your distance from her (i.e. like simple 'hi' 'bye' type relationship).

    Sometimes people don't like us for a reason, and sometimes people don't like us 'just because'. Since I don't know you or your dil, it's hard to say WHY she isn't closer to you. I noticed that the one you are having a problem with had a 'love marriage' and the one you seem to get along better with had an 'arranged marriage'. When your US based son came forward with his wife, how did you react? Did you accept her? Believe me... if you acted bad with her in the beginning, she could have that in her heart FOREVER, and no matter how nice you are now, if you were ever hostile to her it'll be hard for her to forigve you or trust you again. Are you sure there isn't more you might have done to step on her toes? You don't have to answer that here, but ask yourself how you treated her in the beginning... it might help you find the answer as to why your relationship with her isn't so good.

    About pooja thing... since your son is the one who asked, his wife shouldn't be feeling like YOU are interfering. He asked for the help, you offered, no problem. Just make sure you are not calling them up telling what poojas to do and when/where/how/and why... because that is annoying, plain and simple.

    Like the other ladies suggested, keep things cool and polite. If you've been bending over backwards to please her, stop doing that... it's not working, and it's not neccessary for you to do that in the first place. Instead of focusing on this negative aspect of your life, focus on the positives, like having a dil you gel well with living not too far away.


  6. #6
    Priya16's Avatar
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    Default Re: MIL's story.......I am MIL.

    Each person is different. As long as you both are maintains your own spaces that's all matter, since you have other kids and you don't have worry too much about this DIL and her kids. I just wanted to give one perspective about the kids. They might have some home works and that they will finish in the after school. May be she is worried that those work will not done when kids are at home with you.

    My mother never used to bother about us much. We simply go to different city for holidays to stay with our cousins.
    But my aunt (father's bother's wife), never send kids at least one minute to any place with out her. She has to be with them no matter what. Itís just a personality. We all know if DIL-MIL relation is not working means it's not just MIL fault. It could be any one of them or a combination.
    Be happy and don't worry about her much. Anyhow she is not going to change and don't expect much from her. Leave her the way she is. As long your son cares for you thatís all matter.


  7. #7
    lavii's Avatar
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    Default Re: MIL's story.......I am MIL.

    i wish you were my mil aunty
    thats good to know you thought about consequences and stayed away from kids
    i dono why your dil is like that you try to analyse the intital marraige days when she was with you if something happened that could have upset her..sometimes it can be incidents that could have happened during marriage etc


  8. #8
    Dilchahtahai is offline Junior ILite
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    Default Re: MIL's story.......I am MIL.

    Ma'am,
    Again, let me tell you from my experience (and I am a DIL).. BEcause what you are saying is exactly what my MIL says.. But I do know that my husband went against them to marry me. And their behavior in the beginning was very cold, detached and high handed. They completely ignored me and showed as if their son was still a bachelor. Even for the things I did for them (like giving them money to buy a car, converting it into Indian rupees and putting it in their hands to buy the car of their choice), they never even said it was good. Leave alone saying 'thanks'. They did not tell me when they bought the car.. like I did not matter in thsi whole thing. All these things that happened in first year broke my heart. And now I really dont care what she does.. So, it is like something inside me has died. And they are financially independent, live in their own house and don't really need anything from us..I personally think (and this may not be true for everyone), that they don't know how to maintain long distance relationships.. How to handle them, what should u say on phone and what not, what kind of letters to write, what kinds of cards to send if any.. What to say to relatives and friends from US who are visiting India..
    Not saying necessarily you have done these things. But your post just reminds me of what my MIL says to everyone.. And I thought maybe I can help (because my DH is never able to make her understand).


  9. #9
    Jayanthi2010 is offline New ILite
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    Default Re: MIL's story.......I am MIL.

    Thank you all for your opinions on this. You are all wonderful set of young ladies and I am very happy to be here.


    Quote Originally Posted by saipavani123 View Post
    [justify]Hello :)
    Did you try to praise her infront of her instead of your other DIL ?? Try doing that next time. Might be she will feel better.
    Sai, The bold part (below) from my original post says I cannot stop admiring anyone then and there if it is worth. I compliment her also on things like she is good at selection of dresses and I have openly told so. If I like something I will not hold myself from expressing and why should one when it is good compliment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jayanthi2010 View Post
    I told her once my other DIL in India can make besan ladoos and your FIL likes those very much. She went and told her husband that I am comparing her with her cosister. Did I say she can't and the other can? I was just prasing the other one but that is also wrong. I praise this DIL infront of the other one in India on so many aspects and the other DIL agrees too but never confronts like this. I also praise them if they do something I liked right then and there. I don't hold myself for admiring their capabilities.




    Quote Originally Posted by asuitablegirl View Post
    Hi Janyanthi,
    The thing with relationships.... is you shouldn't have expectations about them.
    You are RIGHT!

    Quote Originally Posted by asuitablegirl View Post
    I noticed that the one you are having a problem with had a 'love marriage' and the one you seem to get along better with had an 'arranged marriage'. When your US based son came forward with his wife, how did you react? Did you accept her?
    My son(US one) was doing his M.Tech at IIT, Delhi and he fell in love with a girl (now my DIL). He was in final year and the girl was his friend's sister 3 yrs younger to him studying in another college. My younger son went to visit his brother as he had an interview in Delhi. When he went to hostel, elder one was not there. Some one there told my younger son about the whole thing. He returned and did not tell us anything about it.
    Later, Elder one got into MS in US and left. We borrowed 2.5lakhs for his expenses. We had a daughter to get married too. Elder one comes home after 2yrs from US and insists he wants to marry before he leaves. His sister is 3 yrs younger to him. In our custom, if sister is that close age wise then first the sister has to get married. He could not wait for his sister to get married. We thought we have to start looking for her alliances. But she (my daughter) came up with her love matter.......her then colleague. So, we approached the boy's parents and they also agreed, no problems it was peaceful but told us that we had to wait for a year since there was a death in their family and they could not have marriage same year.
    Actually, we went and approached my DIL's parents first. God is the witness how they treated us.
    When we told them about our daughter's case, DIL's dad said "Is that a trick from your side, You are trying to brainwash your son against my daughter and the next time he comes you will get him married to someone, then what will happen to my daughter?"
    My husband held his hands and promised him and told nothing like that will happen. If he still needs assurance then we can have engagement now and next year marriage together along with our daughter's wedding.
    He was so rude, he pushed away my husband and started shouting and telling he will call police, file a case etc etc.........for what?.....we don't know.
    I talked to his wife(dil's mother) and also dil and said please have patience, we will keep our word etc etc. My DIL told me very directly, even if you do not agree now we will get married in Arya Samaj Mandir with my mother and father with me. I told her about the sentiment and she said so what can I do. I told her wait till next year. She turned to my son and said " I thought your parents were educated but what rubbish all this sentiments they are talking about?"
    They finally they got married, traditional way, within 20 days. And then left to US.
    You know why all this hurry??
    She got her F1 visa by then and so her dad was anxious to get her married before she leaves.
    We were so hurt because of the sentiment that son should not get married first before daughter, and also we had taken loan for him and really wanted him to become independent first before marriage. But, we know that what is the point in blaming them when our own son does not bother about our sentiments. After wedding, they were with us for 3 days. They had to leave for US. My husband and I never raised that topic till now. Once she married my son I took her to be my DIL and tried forgetting what happened in the past because what is the point in holding all that?
    I think may be all that things before marriage is what she is holding.




    Quote Originally Posted by Priya16 View Post
    I just wanted to give one perspective about the kids. They might have some home works and that they will finish in the after school. May be she is worried that those work will not done when kids are at home with you.
    I asked her couple of times what is the reason and always it is that kids will fuss after we leave. If it is homework then she can say.....right??



  10. #10
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    Default Re: MIL's story.......I am MIL.

    Jayanthi madam

    Its nice of you to want to mend the relationship with your DIL in US and you are trying you best.

    From your last post, I guess might be during that time when talks with DILs parents were happening on when marriage was supposed to happen etc and how you want to get your daughter married first..might be there was a bit of tension and unknown fear in the DILs parents house and they might have thought that you all were trying to cut off the relationship (might be this happens in every love marriage..everyone have their own insecurities and worries...) so might be your DIL had that in her mind and heart that you didnt accept her immediately and watned to give her and her family tough time..so might be she is scared that you have not liked her and would never like her.. this might be the underlying fear of her and her tiffs with you..yes might be she is holding that hurtful events to her heart still...

    Next thing I would want to say is..pls do not praise another DIL infront of the other DIL..goes both ways..no praising of elder DIL infront of younger one...or vice vversa...one may voice out her disappointment and the other may keep quiet but feel bad internally...If you want to appreciate them praise them right in front of them..like you make nice besan laddus your FIL loves it..infront of your younger DIL in India...(but not infront of elder one in US) ..because if you do it infront of other DIL naturally she would feel you are comparing and why praise younger one infront of her (She wont understand that you praise the elder one in India..infront of the younger DIL)...

    Praise in Public....punish in private...this motto..does help a lot...

    Praising your DILs infront of your sons would give the DILs and son also peace of mind that you are happy with them and that you have accepted them.

    As far as letting kids stay with you..I can understand your concern and am totallyw ith you. Kids at that age would understand why they have to stay back at school or at home when someone is visitng them...might be give it a try again...might be as she doesnt feel accepted by you..she doesnt want kids to be with you..as you dont like her...(this is purely her misunderstanding...but it would take time for her to know that it is not so.)

    As far as she not coming to phone or all other things....all these are tied to the initial tiffs..reason if the initial foundationw as not strong enough or had some misunderstandings...that would be carried over...So dont stress yourself if she doesnt come to phone, just talk to your son,give the info he needed and ask about her well being...and bless them and let go...if she wants to talk eventually she would come around...but the more you keep trying, she would keep going into her shell.

    Sometimes even without realising these comparisons come into scene when there are 2 DILs or 2 SNILs in the house...but the best thing is...pls do not even compare or say it out..it would hurt both sides...some may voice it out like your elder DIL. some may not like your younger DIL.


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