MIL's story.......I am MIL.

Dear Mam,

I think you don' worry about your DIL anymore. If the person is not good human then they can't be good MIL or good DIL's.
I think for each marriage everyone has there own set of issues. Just put your shoes in your DIL position. Basically girl parents do worry that (once the girl in love) alliance shouldn't be postponed. But some fathers are very short tempered and loose the temper. Again each person is different. Your DIL, basically her age and the situations made her that way. Young people who wanted to get married and will not have much patience.
Here there is nothing to blame them. It’s all about your son. If your son doesn’t have many issues with them then just leave them alone and don't worry.
My brother who is younger to 3 sisters and got married when he is at 20 years and leaving 3 unmarried sisters. It’s just the age and love.
Her father should have been more collective but lots of men are bad temper. So forget about the marriage episode and have your peaceful life that you are comfortable.

 

i wish my MIL is like you.
she never praises me for anything instead keeps playing records of her daughters..
dont worry...things will be fine.
some day your DIL will undstd u and she will definitely be nice to you.
all the best maam.

 

This was from a typical MIL
I understand your problems but I dont see a reason why you see the need to talk about the other DIL when u were there. This is one habit Ive seen in my IL's too and I reallly dont see the need to know what the other one does. I can only see it as a means of comparison and nothing else. My in-laws are one step more...the talk so much about their daughter that I even know what color dress she was wearing when she was just born...do I need to know all this?? When they brag so much about their daughter, why dont they have the guts to say she had an affair before she got married?? I have no problems about how she was but dont want to hear them bragging either...
Please stop telling things about other people to her...not everybody takes it in the right sense n knowing that she doesnt appreciate it, u need to be extra cautious.

 

Srividya"s "praise in public, punish in private" is so captivating.
wow!!! That shd be spirit for anyone to be in a good relation.
I notice problems are there for everyone. No one escapes from it.

 

Madam

Pls dont get me wrong...but think about it...your elder DIL is in US. she is living far away from you...you have got very little time to bond with her and vice versa...If she keeps praising her friends MIL or her mom infront of you...you wont be able to take it sportively after certain time...

we can do this praising part when we all are on same page...because we know each others intentions and feelings and we have clarity on each others thought process. But when the basic clarity and bonding is lacking here...doing this praising is like another blow to not let her come near you...

I agree sometimes it would be slip of tongue (as you are more nearer to your younger DIL As she lives in India and visits would be more frequent)...but a person who thinks you dont like her and you praising some one else is like proving your elder DILs thought process. If you still want to pass any comment/compliment...ask her opinion on that and if she likes it and you too like it say yes yes i do agree with you ...if she says she doesnt like it and if you like it...now is the time for us to be silent

If we dont have anything better to say...just be silent and support her...seems like your elder DIL is not a hard nut to crack..it just needs some softening catalyst:crazy..am sure the wayyou are trying to figure out to fix this...you would come up with that catalyst soon:idea

Might be next time...call her up and ask how she makes one of the dish...as you like her way of cooking she will melt like butter hehehehe

I tell this to my mom too...If she praises my SIL infront of me...how does that help her or my SIL ??? she has to do it infront of her, her parents and my brother..not infront of meby the way just keep your son out of all this...pls dont express your disappointment or trying to fix the whole thing...you handle things wth your DIL...and I would suggest again that do this fixing thing sparingly and leave it some time. she would surely come around..

 

I can really see both sides of this situation. You don't seem like a bad mil at all to me.

But the thing is, WHO to get married to and WHEN to get married should have totally been left up to your son and dil. I agree that you have the tradition in your family of getting the daughter married off first... but sometimes traditions should be bent a little if the situation calls for it, especially if the tradition is causing unnecessary friction. Really, wouldn't it have been better to give them your blessings to get married when they wanted instead of all that fighting over the date?

As for your son caring about your sentiments... I'm not really sure what you would have him do... go against his wife? You know, that relationship is really sacred Jayanthi (you know it being a wife yourself ), and he did the right thing by standing by his and his wife's decision to marry soon. In fact, I think it's a sign you raised him well, to be confident in his own decisions and stand by his spouse. You wouldn't believe, so many men we've heard about in this forum beat and abuse their wives... it's so refreshing to hear that your son was able to stand by his wife during a tough time.

Their reasons for getting married when they wanted made a lot of sense... they were both heading off very soon to U.S..... but probably weren't keen on living together unless married. So why would they want to live seperate and be alone in a strange new land, when they could start life together and handle all the ups and downs of life in US together as husband and wife? In fact it would have been senseless of them to head off seperately to U.S. and inccur all those seperate living expenses (not to mention the emotional toll) when it could all be avoided by tying the knot. Probably your dil and son realized that and saw things in a logical way, and that's maybe why your dil was ticked when you countered their logical plan with traditions talk. Really if you go to think... what is the big deal if they got married before your daughter? I believe in putting relationships before traditions... because if you had done that, maybe your dil and you would have a better relationship right now.

However, the way she handled the whole situation was rude. Shouting at you or blaming you for stuff wasn't right. Neither was the rude way her dad responded to your dh. At the same time though, things would have looked really unfair to them.... like you are keeping their daughter in limbo. Probably they were scared their daughter was being taken for a ride.

Anyways, what's done is done. Looks like you got your wish that all your kids be happily married and your US son to become independent (although he didn't accomplish it before marriage, at least he's settled now, right? :thumbsup). Seeing that you and US dil got off on a rocky start, it's doubtful whether things will get better between you both. But hey, that's life. My mil hates me... and it used to get me real down, until I realized that I had to move on in life and look at the positives and be thankful for the good SOLID relationships I still had.

My best advice would be for you to never compare her (good or bad) to any other woman. And when you're arround her, just don't talk about your daughter or your other dil. She's already on edge... don't push her to a meltdown by bringing up her "rivals". I KNOW this isn't the relationship you probably dreamed of having with your son's spouse... but it is what it is. And PLEASE, don't tire yourself out trying to chase after her. Probably even if you DID catch her on the phone... it'd just be a bland and cold two minutes waste of your life. All you can do is be the best YOU can be. If other people want to reject you, that's THEIR problem.

 

Dear Jayanthi Madam,

I possess neither the age nor life experience to advise you but I just wanted to share something my grandmother always used to tell me. She was a firm believer in the policy of 'live and let live'. She always told me that when people don't react the way we expect them to, we shouldn't make it an issue and simply tell ourselves "that is their nature". Do not judge or argue with them UNLESS they do something that prevents you from progressing with your work. So, if it helps, I would say as long your DIL does not interfere/ restrict your son from engaging with or assisting you in any way, please drop it telling yourself "that is your DIL's nature".

With regard to the pre-wedding episode, I can't really say much except that I understand love marriages can cause a LOT of tension to both sides. My best friend had a love marriage and I can't begin to describe the mental trauma and health issues her parents underwent for the two years leading up to her marriage. Even though her parents reluctantly agreed, the wedding got delayed by nearly 1.5 years because the boy had some work commitments abroad. And in those 1.5 years, every time I visited my friend, her mother used to cry inconsolably to me, worrying about the delayed wedding.

I'm so sorry you also had to go through so much pain before your son's wedding. But with tensions running so high in a love marriage, I doubt we can blame any one person for the pre-wedding episode. If possible, please do not cling on to it as the memories would only make it worse for you. Even in my own wedding, which was totally an arranged one, my ILs created a LOT of problems for my family. Although it still pricks at times, I just keep trying to forget it (I doubt if I can ever forgive). Even if I think about it, I don't ever raise it as an issue. Of course, I have other more pressing issues these days with my ILs interfering with every single decision of mine , but thats another story

I don't have kids, so I can't really comment on that issue. But what is your son's take on that? Is he also in agreement with your DIL? If you want your kids to stay back, talk to your son and see what he has to say. Maybe he does not want to as well? Talk to him.

Also, you haven't mentioned if your DIL is particularly rude to you. If she is rude, then that is an issue. But if she is the silent type with not much to say most often, then try to leave it at that. I am in many ways a lot like your DIL. I'm quite reserved by nature, not shy but very reserved. Try as I might, I simply cannot have general conversations with anyone for more than 5 minutes, except to people I am really close to and comfortable with. Now that might strike as 'rude' to many, but honestly thats just my inability.

By saying all this, I'm not justifying your DIL's attitude in any way, but maybe your DIL is not really the kind of person who opens up very easily?

In my opinion, I would say as long as she lets you be, maintains a polite distance and doesn't interfere much in either your dealings with your son (her husband) or his dealings with you, please just leave it.

Divs

 

Hello ma'm

Welcome to this forum.This is a wonderful site where we can vent out as well as learn through others experiences.

Since I too had a love marriage. I shall suggest from a girl's point of view. Whats your take on the following?

Do you wish your DIL on her birthdays? Wedding anniversary?Kids birthdays? Festivals?
Who went to help her during delivery? Did she have a c-sec? If so, did you enquire about her pain?
Did you ask her how she copes up with managing 2kids?
Do you involve her in family discussions?
Do you express your happiness over her achievements?

Well, my MIL's answer to all these questions is a big egoistic NO. My inlaws did not openly express their acceptance in our proposal. My parents approached them in a very decent way.She never acknowledges me as her DIL in public.She ill-treated me and deprived me of food during my pregnancy.Inspite of all this, I dont hold any grudge against her in my heart but at the same time, I dont talk to her at all. Its been 7 yrs almost that we had a word. Whenever hubby calls India, they will talk only to him. So even I have stopped enquiring about them.

Its true that initial reactions of inlaws esp in a love marriage matters a lot. On a different note, i would like to know your thoughts what if your daughter was in DIL's place where your SNIL wanted to go abroad in a hurry only after marriage? What if your Snil's parents wanted to postpone marriage bcos of his sister's wedding?

Introspect your thoughts on this part and let me know.