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What is the reason behind inlaws issues???......pour in your thoughts...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sridivya, Feb 19, 2010.

  1. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    Everyday, this forum gets flooded with so many of inlaws issues.
    Usually in every household whether living together or separately there are PILs issues of some kind or other. I am pondering on some points like:

    FIL and MIL are people older age wise. Why isn't there open mindedness, more of forgiveness and more tolerance even at this age?? They might have gone through lot of struggles themselves then why isn't there any empathy towards Son and DIL when these youngsters are struggling to make ends meet now???

    Coming to Son and DILs, they can take anything that comes from their moms and dads even though it annoys them to the core thinking of how the parents worked through out their life to bring them up and give them a comfortable life but why are they not able to let go the same when it comes from PILs???? Why is the mere mention of inlaws annoys them sometimes??

    Lets have an open, unbiased discussion on this. Pour in your thoughts plzzzz.....
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2010
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  2. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    I think it is because women are women's worst enemies. Mostly I see mil-dil clashes. Rarely I see fil-snil or mil-snil clashes. I wonder why?

    If you see, majority of mils are more respectful and tolerant of daughter's husband whereas they do not give any respect to son's wife. Mils also are usually very respectful to daughter's in-laws whereas they don't hesitate to badmouth son's in-laws. This leads to a bad cycle where a dil and her family feels disrespected so they disrespect the mil back.

    Second thing is, generally, men do not interfere in wife's relationship with her parents. But many wives poke their noses into the hubby's relationship with his parents. A wife who talks to her own parents 7x a week will have a problem with her husband doing the same thing. I have heard even some of my friends (who talk to their mothers on VOIP everyday) tell me that it is enough if hubby talks to his parents once every 2 or 3 weeks! I even know people who access their husband's emails and read in-laws' emails. Basically, some of these women think that the inlaws should not be discussing anything with hubby without them (wives knowing) whereas most husband don't mind if wives and their parents talk anything without him knowing.

    There are lots of other issues in mil-dil relationship. When a parent is ill, a wife will rush to their side and help as much as she can. But when an inlaw is ill, many wives may not feel the same concern (it is natural, right) and moreover depending on their relationship with the mil, may not even feel that it is their job to help out husband's parents. So husband's parents get more insecured and the relationship gets even worse. You may ask why wife should help, it is not her parent etc. It is because of two reasons. First, men do not have good bedside manner. Women are usually the nurterers and caretakers. It is in their blood. Men are usually failures when it comes to nurturing and caretaking. Secondly, wives may be housewives who are able to make time for their inlaws whereas very few men are househusbands. Of course if wife is also working full time then this is not the case.

    Thirdly, once children are born etc, wives prefer to seek their own parents' help and assistance with childrearing rather than inlaws. If inlaws and parents are in different cities, then they try to move close to their own parents rather than inlaws. So their parents get more involved with grandchildren and this make the inlaws more resentful. Inlaws can also be more mature and can take this in right spirit thinking that as long as grandkids are taken care of and healthy and happy, it is enough. But many don't. In cases of women who live abroad, during vacations, they naturally want to stay with own parents. But this means that their children also end up spending more time with maternal grandparents. This creates further misunderstanding and resentment builds up in in-laws' mind. It gets tricky when daughter of the house does the same thing and spends max time with her parents and in their home whereas dil of the house is made to feel bad for doing the same things. When such sils interfere and try to tell their brother's wife to spend more time with the parents, relationship between sil and dil gets ruined.

    In sum total, I think that inlaw-dil relationship is very tricky and needs to handled with care. Unfortunately many mils, sils and dils do not give that care and end up with sore relationships. Just like we let go of issues with our parents and siblings, we should be able to let go of issues with our in-laws, too. And just like they let go of issues with their daughters / sisters, they should let go of issues with us too. But there is rarely this give-and-take and live-and-let-live so inlaw-dil relationship is explosive and difficult.
     
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  3. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    [justify]My opinion [​IMG]

    1. Insecurity from parents of the guy ( some new woman will snatch away my son...so better I/We keep him in our grip.)
    2. Insecurity from DIL ( my husband will be more close to his parents... My MIL would not treat me well....so better before they take me into their grip I snatch him from them)
    3. Pre-Notions ( DIL is not yet married to the family....but before marriage she presumes her MIL to monster /troubling her....starts judging her even before experiencing things... So even a small amount of dis-agreement leads to bigggg fight. Similarly with MIL . MIL might think DIL who is about to come..is way too modern/unable to fit into family so whatever she says /expresses/follows is not correct..)
    4. Not able to think from 2 sides of the coin by both the parties
    5. In-tolerance
    6. Too much pampering at home....( Both DIL's and the Guy's....and we are taught not to adjust..I mean we are given whatever we want without any objections.....we are not taught to accept the conditions or norms of new family in the case of girls)
    7. Presuming things without communication...(for ex: blaming without knowing the other side's reason/issue....guessing the reason for certain acts and thinking the guess is right without even confirming if its right)..
    8. lacking of "forgive-forget-let it go" tendency.... mistakes do happen.....but both the parties ponder over the issues for years together...develop grudges rather than thinking to forgive and forget)
    9. Elderly Ego.... ( might be from PIL's side..... there are PIL's who doesn't want to bend..or accept mistake because they feel they are Elders...)
    In short It takes two hands to clap.....Both sides have their own -ve's contributing to fights/dis-agreements

    Note : these do not attribute to physical abuse....they are totally different kind of people...I am talking about general families.[/justify]
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2010
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  4. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    No clue why these issues happen!

    But I think these issues will be resolved, at least in the case of arranged fixtures, if we STOP matching the horoscope of a girl with that of a prospective groom. We should instead start matching the girl's horoscope with that of her prospective MILs/ FILs!! :)

    Divs
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2010
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  5. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Most of the in-law issues are due to the woman/man not drawing clear boundaries after marriage between them and their parents and siblings. Yes, they are family but you have your own and you are grown up adults and you cannot let your parents or siblings or in-laws run your life. As a married couple, the decisions you make as a couple is strictly between you two and its NOT the UN general assembly that every family member gets to have a vote and say on your personal life decisions. This is a problem that seems to be very rampant among Asian cultures, especially Indian and Chinese. You should clearly delineate and demarcate your personal boundaries and whatever life decisions you make is strictly between you and your spouse and its noone else's business. The sooner you create the space and limits, the better off you are with all the in-law problems. I know this is easier said than done for lot of you but you need to make the decision. Sorry but your family does not have a say or veto power in your marital decisions LOL.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2010
  6. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    Many people have this mentality - that they have suffered a lot bcos of their MIL; and so they want to kinda take revenge from their DILs and behave with the same attitude they were treated once upon a time. This makes them bad MILs.

    Coming to DILs.. Parents are parents and PILs are PILs. When SNILs have to stay with his PILs, they would have problems equally. But bcos of the Indian culture, this does nt come out in the light often. And when SNILs cant take his PILs for granted, why should the DILs??
     
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  7. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    LOL Aruna, that rationale and logic sounds so convoluted and messed up. My MIL tormented me so when my turn comes, I shall do the same to my daughter in law. What about the concept of 'let me be different and act civilized and courteous to my daughter in law because my mother in law was a bitch from hell?':rotfl You know, MIL is not the throne of Hitler that once you get to it, you have 'carte blanche' to persecute your daughter in law:rotfl

    Revenge? LOL well nothing ever useful or constructive comes out of revenge. There is a Confucius saying which goes

    "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, Dig two graves"
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2010
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  8. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Malavika,

    I am so surprised by this logic myself.. But I have heard enough of this happening.

    You wont believe, not jus MILs but also some teachers, lecturers believe in this philosophy. Because they werent given internal marks easily, they turn their student's life into a hell!!

    Guess its some kind of psychological disorder - where people hang on to their past and spoil their future!!
     
  9. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    There are always people on earth whose mind is so twisted and convoluted and they cannot think straight. Must be a mental affliction of some sort I imagine.

    LOL teachers do this? Where does this kind of thing happen? Because I do not have any first hand experience of teachers making their students life hell because theirs was.

    Well I can tell you, I will have their bollocks on a vice if they make my life hell without any good cause, be it mother-in-law or teacher.

    Besides, even if I were to succumb to the idea of revenge hypothetically, shouldn't my revenge be directed towards the individual who actually made my life hell and not some hapless individual 20 or 30 years later? If someone slaps you, you can only slap them back not the random individual standing next to you:rotfl
     
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  10. cutesmile09

    cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

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    We see these issues mostly in India and wonder why this happens:bonk
    I personally think these issues crop up mainly bcoz of insecurity feeling as cited by saipavani..I remember the quote mentioned by my manager "its very important for a girl to stay with inlaws for some time mandatorily before marriage to match the wave length"
     

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