How to deal with inlaws after a decade?

abc00 · Feb 16, 2010

<style>.wysiwyg { BACKGROUND: #f5f5ff; FONT: 10pt verdana, Lucida Sans Unicode, verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; COLOR: #000000 } P { MARGIN: 0px } .inlineimg { VERTICAL-ALIGN: middle } </style>Hi friends,

This is a wonderful forum especially for indian women. I have seen some really good advices to women here by many ladies. Im hoping to get one.:thumbsup

Coming to the issue, i had a love-cum-arranged marriage 12 yrs ago.At present im leading a happy life with Dh and 2 kids. Cutting back into history, i too had my share of problems with in-laws esp MIL. She was against the marriage but later gave in due to dh pressuring her.I had stay with them in a single BR apt for almost an year. My BIL was unmarried at that time. She expressed her dislike for me in several ways. One of the route which she chose was to keep me away from kitchen and not to feed me enough food while i was preg.To add to this was my SIL who stayed in a stone throw distance and paid her daily visits religiously to interfere in my life.

My MIL used to tell me not to have my b/fast till SIL had. Yes, SIL used to come home daily for b/fast before she left to work. I quit my job as my dh was looking for abroad opportunities and chose to spend time with my parents before i left. We moved out of their house after my 1st kid was born. She continued to interfere in several ways but i ignored thinking we were no more under one roof.She used to ignore me at public gatherings and outcast me whenever possible. After i left their house and whenever went for some festivals/functions, she used to make my SIL the center of attraction and avoid me. She never gave me the importance of a DIL and also didnt even love my child. She used to differentiate b/w my son and SIL's kids very obviously like cooking their fave food, calling names etc.In-laws never gave any token of love for my kids while we were there.After 3 yrs of marriage we moved to US.

In the meanwhile she made sure to find a bahu for my BIL from their caste. My cosis is a working lady and a sweet girl. I personally dont have any issues with her.Looks like now there are issues b/w them. After my BIL's wedding, i never interfered in their life and was happy that MIL got her fave bahu.

Im totally cut off from dh's family except an occasional hello to SIL/BIL. Im not in talking terms with MIL/FIL since almost 6yrs. Initially dh used to bother me to talk to them then realised i was getting hurt all the time hence stopped that. This led to total alienation from his family. However, i talk to Bil/sil and interact thru mails.

Now my cosis is taking adv of MIL bcos shes working. Roles reversed, she doesnt cook or enter kitchen and MIL has to do entire work.I dont have a detailed idea of how things are b/w them.I gather that now inlaws are craving to see grandkids. My cosis is not able to conceive and inlaws are worried.

So,after a decade they (all of a sudden) have decided to come to US to stay with us for 3months. From planning the trip to booking tickets etc im no where in the scene. Its as if they are coming to their son's house at their will.

My concerns are:

1. She disliked me initially and insulted my several times. She also ignored my parents.

2. She never cared for my son. Now bcos of cosis not conceiving, shes coming to my kids.

3. Im kept out of the whole scenario. Should i be subject of her dislike when she didnt like me then and now subject of her like bcos she wants to see grandkids.

Let me know how my reaction should be. How should i deal with her.

ShilpaMa · Feb 16, 2010

Abc.. I think ur co-sis had the guts to teach a few lessons to ur MIL & she being pissed off the current setup is in search of a more peaceful stay & looking for a change.

From a son's perspective. .finally his parents will visit him after 6 yrs, nothing can match his excitement levels at this time... wht they come n do is a different story.

Whatever you went through is a standard definition of a MIL & matrimonial house.. all of us get the same treatment.. however burning bridges finally leaves us only in isolation. Since they left you peacefully for a long while, I guess you got closer to ur DH :bonk& felt compelte ownership on him.. pls dont forget that lady MIL also owns him. Finally blood is thicker....

Stay calm & remain neutral to her as far as possible, also reciprocate to her gestures if any but dont get emotionally attached to her. DH might or might not give you an outsider treatment once they reach.. so give him space as well... one time pain after a long gap has more intensity than a regular pain....

vimalalucky · Feb 16, 2010

Hai ,
Every indian Bahu is facing the same problem(especially 1 st once). Now my MIL is friendly with me. she asks me to call and talk to her.!5 years back when i got married she did not have comfortable relation with me. all the MIL (including my mother) they think we are taking away her son from her. Please be patient . Give them a warm welcome do what best u can do for them. Pray for your Cosis. rub the old things from your memory.

deepa1012 · Feb 16, 2010

ShilpaMa said: ↑

Abc.. I think ur co-sis had the guts to teach a few lessons to ur MIL & she being pissed off the current setup is in search of a more peaceful stay & looking for a change.

From a son's perspective. .finally his parents will visit him after 6 yrs, nothing can match his excitement levels at this time... wht they come n do is a different story.

Whatever you went through is a standard definition of a MIL & matrimonial house.. all of us get the same treatment.. however burning bridges finally leaves us only in isolation. Since they left you peacefully for a long while, I guess you got closer to ur DH :bonk& felt compelte ownership on him.. pls dont forget that lady MIL also owns him. Finally blood is thicker....

Stay calm & remain neutral to her as far as possible, also reciprocate to her gestures if any but dont get emotionally attached to her. DH might or might not give you an outsider treatment once they reach.. so give him space as well... one time pain after a long gap has more intensity than a regular pain....
Click to expand...

hi shilpa.....

i really like the way u have actually given ur advice:bowdown......abc.....me too agree shilpa.....
finally blood is thicker that any thing......how much ever love we show dh, when the matter comes to blood its like sunflower...they turn towards them first.......
so even i feel u shud greet and welcome them( this will also make ur dh happy )....do how much ever u can for them but dont become emotional to do beyond ur limits.....
now suddenly they will be wid full love towards to kids......n definitely it will surprise u.....u think they have changed....but actually they dont......

lakvishy · Feb 16, 2010

abc,

Agree with Vimalalucky, forget everything and greet them warmly. After all, they are coming to your place and you would not want anyone's to go away hurt from your house !

Forget the past !

lavii · Feb 16, 2010

better late than never
may be because of selfishness or out of love anyways they are coming
a grandkid needs paternal grandparents love
a son needs their parents love
i guess now its time to show that how a human can be unlike what they did to you previously
but trust me abc sometimes people change i am not saying your in laws are good now but there are chances they could have changed after looking at yoru co sis behaviour
so try maintaing good terms as long as they are there is my suggestion

eandian · Feb 16, 2010

Try to do the best you can to cook for them and entertain them without over burdening yourself since over work can make us short tempered. This way hubby will also be happy with you. Eat out so that you will get some break from the kitchen.

During the 3 months have no arguement or fight with dh.

feduptocore · Feb 16, 2010

ABC... you've got fantastic replies... just want to add my 2 bits as I will go thru the same situation in a couple of months when MIL will visit for 2 months...
* find a way to ease these 3 months... stay out as much as possible...
* be prepared that your home is going to be used by your PIL in which ever fashion they think its ok... see after all we all tell our visitors "feel at home" but very few take it literally.. for your PIL this is theirs son's home and so they assume that they have all the rights to make the changes as it were theirs.... please turn a blind eye to that...
*DON'T EVER come in between their relation with their Grandkids.... that is not fair to the kids.. let them enjoy each other's company...
*Don't grumble to your DH (I've done that and it back fires) Don't create a scene and argue (I've done that and it backfires)... no matter what they do and say just bear up... if you can't go to the loo and scream... call a friend... write it down and erase the file... BUT don't erupt.. they will do things that will bother you ....
I know from experience that people never change the grudge between MIL and DIL remains so better be the good one....
REMEMBER YOU CAN ALWAYS UNDO ALL THAT THEY DO AFTER THEY LEAVE.... THEY ARE YOUR DH PARENTS AND SO THEY SHOULD GET NOTHING BUT RESTRAIN IF NOT RESPECT FROM YOU... YOU WILL BE SETTING AN EXAMPLE TO YOUR KIDS... THEY ARE WATCHING YOU...
take care

shivachoubey · Feb 16, 2010

Dear Abc,

This is a perfect time to show your MIL the difference between you and her. I am not saying that you obey her or listen to whatever she say but do treat her well. No matter what they are your husband's parents. Make sure they are comfortable and you MIL see that she misbehaved with you.

Nevertheless, if she misbehaves again be polite and firm to show her the correct way. You know what, she is expecting you to behave badly with her that is why you are not involved in any discussion but she will be really taken aback if she finds a loving DIL.

Remember its your house, your rules, guest are always welcome with open heart but no one should ever behave badly with you else they will get a dose.

All the best.

akruti9 · Feb 16, 2010

.. I don't know why as soon as DH parents come DH behaves like we are their slaves. he shows like he is a king of the family. In their absence he is like a cute eddy teddy who listens to whatever i say ,who cooks and cleans for me ,who does anything but the days his parents are here OMG.:bonkHe is entirely a different person. I don't know why men behave like that?? Can't we change it? can't we tell them to be nice even if their parents are around?