My not so BAD MIL

Hi
I hv joined this site this month only. The issues disscussed here and the solutions provided by others are really of great help. I also hv a li'l problem that is my MIL. I got married bfor 2 and a half yrs(arrange). My hubby loves me a lot & takes care of every li'l thing for me. We stay far from my IL's cos of my hubby's job. From the beginning he calls his family almost daily but my MIL always blames me for coming in-between their mother-son relationship, sometimes I get irritated and hv fight with my hubby over this issue but don't care too much for them & settle down the issue within a hour or two. Whenever I go to their place I just do my duties quietly and She talks to mein soft but taunting tone. In these years, she has used all the ill words she could use against me to convince my hubby that he should not trust me like I hv bad character, hv done some jaadu over him, is trying to divide him from his younger brothers and many other things. My BIL’s don’t even talk to me & my MIL told my hubby that I stopped talking to all of them. I tried to improve everything in starting but now I just remain quiet & wait for the good time to come
Now, I m pregnant & my husband wants that we should call his mother to take care of me post-delivery as we don't hv anyone else to rely on in this time but I m sure that if I'll allow her to come to my place she is definitely going to spoil my married life.I don’t want her around me at such a precious moment of my life. I don't know wat to do. Plz suggest smthng.

hi soha,
welcome to il.
i think u should concentrate on ur baby now than ur mil.ur baby needs all ur attention now.dun keep worryin abt them instead just keep thinkin of the lovely times ur baby will bring you.prolly she will have some jaadu to change ur mil..... .
take gud care.
lotsa luv
pavithra
if i can ask have u started thinkin of names for ur baby?

Here is my two cents of advice..

How about offering to your hubby calling both parents in turns..
like first 6 month call your parents and next 6 months call your in-laws (next 6 months you will be more prepared to ahnle her )
Tackling MIL and her accusation, best defense is Silence ..She will get tired of speaking ill on her own.. Never reply back ..bcos this will give another excuse to her.. Dont care too much for her.. Ignorance is best policy to handle people who dont care much for you..
Keep it small and simple interactiosn with her... If you have no choice but to call her...Keep your group of frends ready.. have some female frends whom you could talk to and share ur things..
Lastly.focus on your big occassion than other distractions..
Hoep this helps.
RIa

Hi, i had the exact same problem and what i had to do was to stay strong so that my husband couldn't think "Oh she needs help, she is tired..." I did all the things on my own and tried my best: my husband never was late or not going to work because of the babies, i whent to doctor appointment by myself, whent shopping with the babies, etc And i had twins! Of course i was tired but if Mil was with me i would be tired and depressed, and stressed! My mil is not much of a worker! She would have the babies and all the house work would be mine.
Sometimes the house was not so in order; sometimes i did meals to frozen, we ate pizza and a good ideia is to have soup everyday (you can cook for 2 days or 3 and refrigerate) and eat it for dinner with cheese toast. Somedays i would have time to make very nice meal. I did the shopping for big and not fresh things by internet and the supermarket would bring home! The fresh things i would go with babies.
The advise of our ladie friend is precious: KEEP FRIENDS CLOSE and ask your mother to help in advance.

It worked for me! One more thing: when things are difficult remember that having a baby is difficult for every couple and it is not because you are not accepting your mil's help. Of, couse that it is inevitable that you will have her at your house for a few times - follow the previous advise.

Best regards

hi Soha,
Congratulation! There is nothing as wonderful as 'Motherhood'. The first time u feel ur baby move inside u is something noone else can feel or take it away from u.
Your husband can take a minimum of 2 weeks 'Paternity Leave'. Check out if your/your husbands' employers have a Work-Life Balance Program. You can ask for assistance from there for the first 1 month or so.
Also, there are play groups and activities in the libraries, Barnes & Noble and Churchs. The activities will relax u too. These are free.
When my daughter was born, I had a C section and got only 6 weeks maternity vacation from work. My parents were with me for the first one year. After that my neighbors helped. They are from Turkey. They have 2 daughters. They neither speak our language nor eat our food. But they were very good people. I told them 'no meat'. Any other food good for their family is good for my baby. They took extra care with her food. My daughter even picked up a few Arabic words! If you are not working, you may need help only when you go out shopping or have a bath. So check out your neighbors. High School students are more than willing to baby-sit to earn an extra buck or two.
I believe "Where there is a will, there is a way"!
I'm sure u'll save money + no stress this way. Enjoy ur pregancy!
take care,
Sharada

From my childhood onwards I happen to see various family problems and a constant question of "why?" used be in my mind. Later when I conspicuously stepped into spirituality, I could find out the reasons for most of the situations. I was able to use some of the spiritual techniques to solve them, at least in my life and in some of my friends' life. These techniques can be used to live in harmony with all. If you think that the following seems reasonable, why can n't you give a try and see...

First of all NO NEGATIVE THOUGHTS about others. In most of the cases, one's own negative thought itself create a lot of problem oneself. Say person A meet person B first few times and person B happen to behave badly for the first few time. Now, suppose if the person A start thinking that person B is a bad guy and 'll always behave bad. When both of them meet again in another occassion, eventhough person B did n't have an intention of behaving badly to person A, the negative thought can make a situation and the thought/opinion become strong and stronger. - someone has to break this chain reaction... So, break that negative thought - for your and your family welfare. Also, when you are pregnant, try to have only good thoughts in your mind, be happy.

If your husband is also not behaving good, this case could be different and difficult. CHILDREN ARE NOT DIFFIRENT FROM THE PARENTS. Your mother-in-law (the parent) often speaks bad about you but her child (your husband) is so loving. This may look like this in the outer. But unless otherwise your mother-in-law (the parent) have love deep in her heart, it 'll be difficult for your husband (the child) to love you. So it is your duty to re-kindle that love in your MIL's heart. This situation happens in so many lives. Many people could un-earth this after so much of suffering or if they cann't, their children keep doing that. So your MIL has deep love for you - the one act that she permit her son to marry you is itself the clue/evidence for that love. If you could understand this, most of the struggle is over. Soon you would say that I have the best MIL in the world.

Now how can you bring that love out? Mentally prostrate to her often. Whenever you see her, whenever you happen to think of her, prostrate at her feet mentally. (physically prostrating without mental involvement does n't give much benefit). And just like circumambulating in the temple, mentally circumambulate her reverently. (I am a person who respect all the elders very much. I don't hesitate to fell in anybody's feet as I think that GOD is everywhere and I fell at GOD's feet. If you are not that kind of person, you can just try mentally circumambulating even without any reverence ). When the mind revolves around a person or an object, the mind acquires knowledge about/from that person or the object (very obivious truth - is n't it?). If the mind is in the state of anger, the knowledge comes with some suffering too. But if the mind revolves around the person with love, the knowledge comes with playful bliss.

Next what is your MIL's name? Does that represent any GOD's name? Suppose if you MIL's name is Meenakshi, Go to a Meenakshi/Sakthi/Parvathy temple and ask to guide you and not to put into struggles and tests. If you know any of the songs on that GOD, chant it daily. Or you can do it with your favourite GOD too. Suppose if your favourite GOD is Lord MURUGAN, when your MIL scold yo unext time - pray to Murugan - "Muruga! you are everywhere. Why do you want to scold me? Am I not your dearest one? Instead of scolding, you can teach me patiently." (But be careful, if Lord Murugan want to talk to you very often, he 'll make use of this and you may recieve scoling very often. - In that case, give him a kick and hold his ears. Do n't get decieved by his play)

Well, that means I don't say that you should be a slave to your MIL and agree for everything that she tells you. Do n't be a slave. Do n't agree for everything. Use your wisdom. Even if you need to quarrel with her, do so. But do not quarrel out of anger. But quarrel out of love. Do n't bring the emotion of anger. Mentally tell her that you have to contradict your MIL since you love her so much. Mentally prostrate to her even during your quarrel.

When you try this techniques, initially it could be possible that your MIL may behave even worse. But it is a kind of test that happens in many cases. When you give only love even in the very adverse condition, the other person simply opens out the love in them.

Thanks a lot for giving me good suggestions.
Pavithra ur msg is really full of positive vibes. First of all I m so happy to read that u hv used ‘SHE’ for my baby as I want to hv a baby girl (my astro charts also says so) but she is not going to spell her magic on her grandma as my MIL don’t like girls, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t like me also. She considers girls a result of bad Karma. She doesn’t hv any daughter and never wanted to hv. That’s a different matter altogether, so leave it.

Dear Ria ur suggestion is good but that is the main prblm. Actually my mother died last year, & its still difficult for me to accept this fact. Otherwise I would hv called her and no one would hv objected as my Mil also avoid to take any responsibility.

Senthan I hv read ur posting very carefully. Wat u hv told is true. I m very religious & always pray to GOD to give me wisdom (Subuddhi) to respect elders & love youngers. I always behave very nicely with all my Ils. Whenever I goto their place , even for a day , I always touch feet of elder ones. The first thing in morning I do is touching their feet. Always keep a sweet smile on my face (I think its my nature to give a pleasent smile to everyone I meet), cook for them, never let my Mil do any household chore in my presence. Take care of everyone’s needs whether they talk to me or not. I m not saying that I m all good . Once I lost my patience when my Bil(younger) talked to me rudely & used bad words for my husband also, I really replied harshly & my mil & fil supported him so I pointed out their faults also. But than I promised myself that I m not going to do this again as I was felling guilty later & this is not wat my mother taught me. Then onwards, usually they don’t talk ill in front of me & whenevr they do I ignore it & remain quiet.
As it goes abt negative thoughts, I hv seen a lots of ups n downs in my life. So small things never trouble me much. But as I told I lost my mother last year, who was my strength, I really broke down & started feeling alone in the world as my hubby though very loving doesn’t get much time to be with me mentally due to his workload. But now I always feel good bcos I have my baby with me all the time.

I know one day my mil is going to love me & give me the respect I deserve but it will take sometime till then I wanna keep her at a lil distance from me as I don’t wanna hv many bad memories of taunting & blaming each other.

Hi Soha, i can understand you completely. It is not that we don't want to do the effort or the work of being and having a good realationship wth Mil but we... I feel that if we have time and space betwin us we can work better on that relationship. As I've said earlier i didn't accept my husband sugesting the help of my Mil not because i dont respect her or want to have a good relation with her but because i feel that we will have a better realation if we don't have the chance of collecting bad memories. Also i knew i would be very tired if she was in my house since i woud have more work. Some people have very nice Mil so they can relax but those of us that have difficult ones should be more wise and carefull and i agree that it is a good opportunity for spiritual development but it doesn't have to be the hard way. I didnt accept my Mil to come and live with us but of course that she comes to visit very often and i try my best all the time to improve our relationship and my spiritual development. But the good thing is that when she goes away i have time to rest, to calm, to see things in the bigger perspective, to forgive her.... etc

"I lost my mother last year, who was my strength, I really broke down & started feeling alone in the world "

I am really sorry to hear that. I hope God gives you courage to handle it and be with this reality. But let me tell you, You are cherishing sweet becoming of a lifelong relation in your stomach.. So Dont feel Let Down and Alone.. No one is really alone.. We all have atleast one God to take care of us.. Sometime it looks He s not helping us, Not listening us.. But he eventually does.
No one can ever fill a Gap left by parent's demise. But I am sure you mom's soul will be sad to see you sad.. Thats last thing she will expect to happen to her kid..
I have read story of Halle barry..Almost reaching at brink of suicide and she returning from there.. Bcos her Late mother's spirit stopped.. See thats the power of Mother's love.. And you just be happy you are going to be one..

No trouble in world is in-surmountable.. With Mil, Fils or all the ILs, I think it just takes a bit of trick and diplomacy to have peace... Just dont be naiive with them.. Be smart , strong.. and dont give them idea of your vulnerabilities.
I liked the suggestion others gave.. Hiring some high-school help or so .. But even if you had to resort to MIl's help..
-- Just be open, give her un-prejudiced try
-- Be positive.. Dont be overtly good.. Just plain basic netural.
-- Whenever she says bad things.. Really chant some religious mantra..
-- If you are working.. You will have escape to office.. If you are at home.. You will have kid to distract to..So both ways are win-win..


Be happy ..
love
ria