I feel bad for being first DIL how about you?

I am also the first DIL and i do feel bad too...
But trust me Renu.. initial days of marriage is when we have to stay patient and act smart.. or others ll get the better of us...
Even i did the same as u and now i am suffering too..

 

Renu,

After reading ur post, I am thinking as u wrote my story...I am younger son's wife but we got married before elder son so this way I am first DIL for family and it happened with me exactly same...But do not think too much if they are not living with you because it would be worst if they'll live with u....thank god u r far away from them..

I also didn't act smartly but my SIL who lived in US from 7 years alone...studied and did marriage with my BIL on her own conditions...my MIL is very nice to her becz she acts smartly...even I see a lot of difference in my DH and my BIL...He is very nice for his wife and my DH is very nice for my IL...So I feel a lot of bad...my SIL is very lucky she got love from my FIL, BIL and MIL and here nobody likes me...if u will read my post my DH is ready to give me divorce because of IL asked him...I have only my daughter...I hope she'll give me all love..

Think this way some people are very lucky and this is really good if u can use your brain and can live ur life happily...but I am not so lucky....try to act smartly now..

 

Renu,

Even I am first DIL and i face similar problems.
In laws are already treating younger DIL like goddess and now she is pregnant and i am suffering from infertility so there are more reasons to praise her

I and DH do not live with in-laws but whenever we call then I get to hear comparison between me and her in all our telephone calls.

Now a days i just keep minimal interaction with in laws. I talk to them only when my husband is present and keep my conversation limited. I don’t show any interest in their family matters and don’t give any suggestions or my opinions on any of their matters. Luckily my DH is with me.

Initially i use to feel bad but now i learn to ignore all their new DIL stories and comparisons. Once i even told them sarcastically "good for you...at least you got one DIL as you wished...i am happy for you "


I just ignore everything and njoy my life. How long they are going to praise her. I am very sure after few days they are going to have similar issues with her.....afterall she is also a DIL not their daughter.

 

Renu,

I am married to an only son, but life as the only DIL is no bed of roses, either!

I will try to answer your questions as best I can. Please bear in mind that I know neither you nor your MIL in REAL life, so this is just my opinion based on my own life experiences (with which you may or may not agree):

NO. But, generally, just like parents whet their parenting skills on their first child, and are wiser and more prepared with their second, and subsequent, children, so too do in-laws whet their 'in-law relationship skills' on their first SNIL or DIL, and learn from the experience. They probably learned a lot from their relationship with you and so are able to be a better / more reasonable FIL / MIL to your co-sister.

As above. They learned from you and are able to handle your co-sister better. It is not that they love your BIL and hate your DH. As a mother, you will love all of your kids equally, right? So too does your MIL. But, she has learned from her experiences with you and knows what to say / not to say, what to do / not to do with her second DIL.

I don't understand the question. Your husband has a duty to provide for his parents, regardless of how many other kids they may have. Was he born as an adult with a good job in a foreign country? No? Then, his current achievements are at least partly due to their efforts and sacrifice, and that cannot be negated, just because your terms with them currently are not that good. So, whether they praise him openly or not, he still has a duty towards them. Just like your SIL (your hubby's sister) & BIL (his brother) do, too.

Generally, the feeling is that a woman with a brother will understand the position of a man's parents and siblings, since her own parents also have a son and she also has a brother. This may or may not be 100% accurate. Your MIL may feel that since you do not have a brother, that you do not understand the insecurities and worries faced by a man's parents and hence cannot empathize with them. But this does not mean that you have no one in your life after your parents. You will still have your husband and your son, even after their days! Remember that always!

Coincidentally, my relationship with my own MIL only changed after seven years of my marriage. We both had a frank and open talk and decided that we must mend our relationship for the sake of our DS/DH and my DD. We both consciously took actions to be more supportive of each other, and, by God's grace, our relationship is so much better now.

If you REALLY want a good relationship with your MIL, then meet her alone and have an open conversation with her. Tell her how much your misunderstandings are upsetting your husband (whether this is true or not) and tell her that you would like to have a closer relationship with her, and ask her how you can make this possible. Then, let her talk. Many times, it is only insecurity that the DILs will take the sons away from them that makes MILs go crazy when the sons get married. It does not matter how many sons a MIL has, every son is important to a mother and they worry about being left alone in old age by the sons and DILs. They worry that the sons, listening to the DILs, will abandon them.

In your case, unfortunately, you do not have any brothers, so your MIL may be feeling even more insecure that you will give priority to your own parents when the time comes, and will not care about your in-laws when they get older and need help, too. This MAY be the reason why your MIL keeps on harping about your co-sister having a brother etc. If you can put her mind at ease regarding this insecurity, then half your battle will be won. The rest will be relatively easy. Start including her in your life here, and start sharing details of it with her. In the beginning, this may be very hard, especially if you have been keeping a distance from her, but, in time, this will get easier. I am saying this from my own experience.

If none of this works, and, your relationship with her never improves, even then, at least you will have peace of mind knowing that you tried your BEST to make things right between your PILs and you, and that it wasn't your fault that it didn't. It takes two to tango and your MIL simply wouldn't cooperate. There is only so much you could do and you did what you could!

Good luck, Renu, and stay strong!

 

Good one Malyatha :thumbsup.Very sensible reply as usual:hiya

 

i donot think that being the first DIL is a curse or donot feel bad as well. PILs keeping their expectations from eldest DIL is similar to keeping expectations from their eldest son. If son is not upto the mark or does what he wshes to.. then obviously the second child.. let it be son / daughter becomes more dearer to parents. the younger ones learn from the mistakes done by elder ones and so parents see their younger kids to be more matured understanding and listening to parental needs worries etc.

incase of being first DILs, its the same thing. if u keep listening to them, ur the best. but if ur dh has, by any chance hurt ur ILs or according to ur ILs ur dh is not a good son, then how much ever hard u work, ur not good for them. if u have a BIL and then u get a co-sis, ur ILs will definitely see to it, that how they should let you down infront of everyone, as earlier you were giving them back for their all unwanted scoldings / humiliations. so they definitely donot want to leave a chance to do it to you. you never know that ur co-sis is actually keeping them fine? if ur co-sis does keep them fine, let them be happy and enjoy it as they wanted that. you shouldnt be bothered as what ILs are giving to her was NOT given to you after ur wedding. so whatever ur ILs gave you, you have given back to them in the same way / manner. if the had respected you as a DIL and wud have patiently worked out on you getting adjusted with them, then you would have been rude to them. But this not being the case, 95% of women are considerd to be monsters :biglaugh.

its just the same way, if i say that being the eldest daughter to our parents doesnt seem to be a curse, being eldest DIL too doesnt seem to be a curse. . our parents take lot of efforts to give us proper education / manners / etiquettes ..why ? for us to be presentable and to be good humans. getting a first child and moulding the child in a proper human itself is a tough task. when we a get a sibling, parents feel that elder child will also take care of the younger one and so take less efforts on second child. similary, if our ILs take a little effort to understand that we wud need some help to adjust in their (new) surroundings, things will never go worse.

I being the eldest DIL, donot feel bad for what i did to my ILs, knowing the fact that they will be loving my co-sis extremely and showing off everyone that she is perfect BAHU :rotfl. But what i did was what they gave me.. my MIL / FIL played all pranks .. told lies to my dh to prove they r innocent. my BIL bluntly told me tht my dh is a selfish person and doesnt think about anyone in the family.. where just because of my dh, these fellows have got some status to live and show up in the society (their own caste and the place they live). So if I was blunt to them and to the point, which spoiled my relations with them, is not bothering me much. As i dont see them bothering as well about our relations drowning . they just want to make a fool of their sons, by showing all fake love affection, so let them be happy in that.who cares:thumbsup

sush

 

Thanks, Raji!

 

I am the only DIL in my PIL's house but life is not a bed of roses for me just as one of our friend said.

Same many rules , customs, etc etc of which I am still following but its better than what I was in the initial stages.

So what if I dont have cosister , they compare with me to all the other DIL's in the world, all are very good, god fearing, respect their inlaws except me.....

DIL is DIL whether first, last or middle.

 

Yeah . Even i too feel the same. Being the first DIL is not a curse. I am the first DIl...wife of my PILs eldest son.

Everyone of us have expectations with our relations and people around us. If your husband does not stand up to your expectations obviously you would be disappointed and may even shout at him or say confront him and this causes frictions. Not only your husband it is same with your mother ,father or even your best friend . Thus parents too expect from their children about looking after them well, attending their needs and if they are not met obviously you become "not so trustworthy and bad" in their minds. I am not talking about only PIL"s. i am talking about parents too.

So when DIL enters PIl's home she is exected to act like eldest son....as on of our IL's said. If she does not then she is marked as BAD DIL.

IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO CLAP......

Both MIL and DIl should understand that they need time to adjust to each other understand each others expectations and all. Since its first time for both of them( i mean MIl getting element called DIl in her life....and vice versa....) people are bound to make mistakes. But mistakes always can be rectified right ?

We DIL's are brought up with lots of freedom ,rights and in small familes where there is no need to adjust. Even we too carry lot of ego and attitude. . Due to which single word from MIL we take it as domination( i am not talking about abuses...but smaller things like....don't wear this that etc) .


Even if its MIL's mistake i THINK Dil instead of pointing out mistake of her MIL she should sometimes overlook....this im saying because i have observed many other MIL's who act rude to DIL's do this because half reason == EGO and remaining things insecurity about her son being snatched away by newly arriving female and she loosing her prominence etc etc ( even this kind of feeling is first time for her and she does not know how to deal with it.). If thorn pricks you instead of adjusting with it you just want to remove it. So for her several thorns comprising of ( ego+insecurity+loosing her prominence ) pricks her constantly and she tries to get rid of them by dominating over DIl and showing her how important she is in her son's life ( by asking him to share anything.....several such things).

So if we try mixing ur IL's in all our plans she might not see DIL as prospective enemy.

No one is born bad. Circumstances make them so. I think mending circumstances brings out original good human being in any person

I guess any relationship can be mended at any stage..... So try talking to your MIL as our IL's said. Try talking to her as you do with your mom with same sorry face and see her reaction

Infact my MIL told me half of these. She is sweet woman to explain all these things to me and how to adjust in new environment and all. its been 6 months of my marriage
All the Best