ILS Attitude/Comparing sons

my mil has this habit of telling us what her elder son gifted. Until now I did not know that she was trying to influence what we gift them. Without our knowledge we were trying to be nice & gift equally so we are not the not-nice/stingy ones. But we came to know she does the same thing to the elder brother as well and they also have started to feel bad just like us.

Sometimes, I just ignore when she tells something but break my head over it & my dh feels guilty that he is not good enuf as his brother even if he decides against it. It is causing a lot of stress on us.

For me gifting is a pleasure. I put my heart & soul (& a LOT of time & energy) into the gifts I buy and buy beyond the receivers taste so they appreciate it. But I dont find joy when I am demanded for gifts. My ils wont even comment if they liked it(bad comments of course find a way out!!). My husband & we gave them lot of gold coins over the yrs before wedding and after and till date they havent even told us for courtesy sakes what jewels they made them into. They dont consider gold coins as jewellery. my mil asks for all day to day stuff when we go or they come for a visit - clothes, shoes for her daughter, son-in-law, grandkids, handbags, shampoo, soap, cookware, cookies, chocs, pop-corn, dry nuts, toys, watches, stationery - you name it & they want it. They do not want to reuse the winter wear from last trip & buy new ones everytime they visit. I wear my company jackets but my fil wont even around the house.

Something which I do not appreciate is their attitude when they visit. They take everything for granted as though its free stuff and waste food and groceries a lot. But back in India she is very frugal abt every penny. How is this to be tolerated? I dont think everyone in India is like this. BEcause I know my parents. They try to do whatever they can to get stuff from india when they visit and avoid unnessary spending.

Other thing What botehrs me is we do not mind providing for parents/inlaws but providing for the entire sil family from top-bottom everyday living? We made fixed deposits for huge amounts for her kids on demand. We havet even done this for our kids yet. They only pay for their monthly grocery(stuff they cant carry from US!) & school fees. I am sure when it comes to paying high fees for any college education, weddings its going to be demanded from us. Who is going to be doing such for our family - I dont want anyone to do that to us and pray God we shud be able to take care of our expenses.

They say everything is available in India these days but she gets them from here because we CAN buy it for them & have the money! How can I tell her, its not in the best financial interests for us! But if I ask for anything from India, she says oh you get in in indian shops there, dont you? Yes, I get it but cant I get stuff that might be cheaper or authentic from India? Aprt from the gifts, we have to get both mil & sils family sarees (only expensive silk ~5k) and sil's hubby & kids when we visit. I dont understand how my sil is so greedy (she wont ask anythig by herself though - evrything is her mom) by getting everything and not even returning the gesture by gifting a simple saree when we visit. When the topic comes, they say something like we wont like the gifts they get for us. They think we earn more than in India. but doing the math...

eg. 50k monthly salary in India (my sil & family gets more)
250k salary in US

5 times more is what they think. Take into account the price inflation we pay for groceries till day care and budget for gifts, India tickets, visits from India. I have heard this complaint from many of my freinds too that people back home think money can be picked from trees in US. What is a nice way to let these people know we hav a family of our own and it is a big deal for us too?

dh thinks we cant subtly hint also that we think abt what we spend for them as his mom starts off by how his dad worked hard to bring them up. As though mine work hard?? It doesnt mean I have to provide for my sil's family!

I sometimes feel I should just resign and take care of my kids as whats the point in earning by slogging and sending kids to day care. The amt of stress in corporate world. My mil thinks any job is normal for girls and doent know the differences between my job and her daughters. she thinks i just hop on the car and sit in front of the PC and com back home. I put all my wishes & desires and even needs aside for my family, but when I have to make lavish gifting I feel so depressed. Is it because I dont fulfil my wants? or the fact that my contribution towards the family is unrecognised? or Am I just ebign selfish or is anyone else in my boat?

I feel mad at dh sometimes because he doesnt realize how i put my needs behind and how efficiently i run the household and how my financial contribution is enabling us to live the life we are. Its easy to say, quit your job and sit back but is that practical? I just want to sensefully deal with these issues.

I have had similar experiences, some households are like that. You cannot change them. The way I worked a solution for this was, I pretty much convinced my Dh to come up with a budget which includes minimum savings. With things left after that I said he can gift anything. Slowly he realized that there is not a whole lot left to be taking of his entire sister's family. Over the years we still have issues but it is comparatively much less. I totally ignore if MIL/FIL keeps talking that their daughter did this or other son did this. I also made DH realise that there is nothing to feel guilty, since he has done a lion's share for his parents/sisters. We sat and went over all the things he did after our wedding and in that process he also mentioned about the things he did before we got married. Finally came to the self realization that he has contributed quite a bit and that his sisters family are not his responsibility (especially since they are in a much better position that us). Even today if they ask he finds it difficult to say no - but says I have to check with her. Anyhow I am the bad person, so I don't mind taking the blame.

Swaram

Sujana,

I totally understand your frustration.
For your comfort, please

· Do you deposit your salary in a different account in your name? – If not, please do. DO NOT pool it with your hubby’s
· Also unless utterly required don’t use off the complete salary of yours towards your household expenses. In a crude way, It’s your husband’s responsibility to run the household and yours is a bonus salary that ought to be savings for your kids.
· Make this clear to your hubby so that he can buy/gift anything to his sister after meeting HIS family (himself, his wife and kids) demands.
· Talk to your DH calmly and show him numbers. YES. Write down your expenses and talk numbers and this might bring a realization in him.
· Also push him towards saving something at least a meager amount from his salary for your kids.
I think he is just hesitant in talking or saying a ‘no’ to his mom. Please correct me if I’m wrong. I think the hesitation is because he has been doing the gifting all along that he is scared to break the tradition. But impart in him slowly and firmly about the expenditures that they are doing on things that are already available in India. Also impart in him that his sis’s hubby is well to do enough to take care of these.

Gifting to close relatives becomes inevitable but when they start expecting everything from here, not realizing the pain a mother undergoes leaving the baby in a day care or a third party and shoving away the money lavishly on people who don’t respect that is not acceptable. Also when you talk to your MIL, tell her about the job situation here and the chances of losing one’s job (God forbid, nothing should happen) and ask your DH to tell firmly and set a limit. Yes. They are not going to be happy and will talk behind you. But that’s fine. You just got to do what you have to.

As a first step, make your DH realize the fact. Don’t stop him from giving, but stop him from giving EVERYTHING.

Also there is an implied expectation - they should get to live life in INdia like we do here in US. She buys every single thing I use here if she possibly can take it back home. There are things which dont suit their life style. Example, If I buy a griddler to make sandwiches(We both love italian food and avoid restaurants), she thinks I am being too extravagant and they dont have it in India.

But they imply us to lead our lifestyle here in US like in India.

Originally Posted by smart_soul

· Also unless utterly required don’t use off the complete salary of yours towards your household expenses. In a crude way, It’s your husband’s responsibility to run the household and yours is a bonus salary that ought to be savings for your kids.
· Make this clear to your hubby so that he can buy/gift anything to his sister after meeting HIS family (himself, his wife and kids) demands.

I agree with you that BOTH spouses should first take care of their immediate family needs and THEN those of their extended families. However, I do not agree with you that a husband should spend every last cent on the household while the wife gets to save her own salary to save / splurge as SHE wishes to. After marriage, there is NO such thing as YOURS and MINE. It's all OURS. And just like a wife has a right to her husband's paycheck, so too does the husband have a right to the wife's paycheck.

Don't we feel bad / angry if our husbands do not add us as joint account holders of their bank accounts? So why should it be any different for the men? I think what's right and fair is for BOTH spouses to deposit HALF of their respective salaries into a joint account and half into individual accounts. The money in the joint account should go towards paying for running the home while the half in the individual accounts is theirs to do as they deem fit - and that means saving for the kids' future, their own retirements, their extended family needs etc. Forcing one person to pay 100% of the household expenses - simply because he is a man - while holding on to 100% of one's own salary won't go down well with most hubbies.

If we play the 'traditional' card with them where their paychecks are concerned, then they might force us to play the traditional card when it comes to their extended families, too. I REALLY don't want to shut up, and play the dutiful DIL role, cutting off my own FOO and being 100% enmeshed with my ILs. So, I would avoid using the 'its a MAN's job to take care of the house' trump card.

Sujana,

Don't quit your job. But make it clear to your husband that the two of are not money-making machines for the extended families back home.

I know, first hand, how difficult it is to be assertive where the ILs are concerned but you have to find your spine and stand up for yourself. Tell your husband that he can send a certain amount of money every month for the in-laws' maintenance and some extra money once or twice a year for their 'luxuries'. But every thing else - and I do mean every other cent - should either pay for your household expenses or find its way to an IRA, a 401K, a 529 etc. As Smart Soul mentions, who knows when one's job will evaporate???

If you are having a hard time saving for your own family, then I suggest that you talk to your HR and arrange for automatic deductions / contributions into your retirement plan accounts and your children's education plan accounts, so that you are saving in spite of yourselves and never see the excess money. We currently have automatic contributions set up and it works like a charm. We have actually got used to living on a lot less than we make, simply because we never see the money. And, if the money does not end up in your bank account, then it isn't there at your in-laws' or parents' or anyone else's disposal.

BTW, you do NOT owe a single explanation to your MIL/SIL about how or why you are going to put a stop to expensive gift giving. It is none of their business, and, at the end of the day, you are the only one looking out for your own family. Don't get depressed, don't have any knee-jerk reactions (such as quitting your job etc), and don't get brow-beaten by the backlash that WILL result when they realize that things are a-changing. Instead, be calm, be pleasant / polite but be VERY FIRM. Tell MIL that the days of forking over most of your joint income are long gone and you are now entering into a mode where you *will* take care of their necessities but will no longer cater to their demands for luxuries.

Good luck and stay strong. Do not back down or give in. You don't grow a money tree in your backyard. Period.

I get you Malyatha. But I didn't intend to say that wife can spurlge her salary as she wishes to. In my case, I save all my earnings and when a considerable amount is saved, we decide and close off some loan or invest it somewhere. And 100% of the household expenses is taken care by him. The very thought that at least one salary is saved gives a lot of mental peace. And my DH prefers having the accounts separate which he thinks is easy to account to as well. And we help our families from our savings respectively.

Also imagine if the wife wasn't working. Then the man becomes the sole bread winner and the family HAS to manage with his salary. And thinking in the same lines, then the wife's salary is a bonus for him every month. And I don't see anything wrong in saving the wife's salary for the family.

So in this case when there is too much obligation from the extended family, to secure the savings and for kid's sake, I think the wife's salary when treated as savings will help cope up financially and will set a limit to the DH on gifting.

Anyways... Opinions differ.. so this is my 2 cents from what we do on that front.

Originally Posted by Malyatha

I agree with you that BOTH spouses should first take care of their immediate family needs and THEN those of their extended families. However, I do not agree with you that a husband should spend every last cent on the household while the wife gets to save her own salary to save / splurge as SHE wishes to. After marriage, there is NO such thing as YOURS and MINE. It's all OURS. And just like a wife has a right to her husband's paycheck, so too does the husband have a right to the wife's paycheck.

Don't we feel bad / angry if our husbands do not add us as joint account holders of their bank accounts? So why should it be any different for the men? I think what's right and fair is for BOTH spouses to deposit HALF of their respective salaries into a joint account and half into individual accounts. The money in the joint account should go towards paying for running the home while the half in the individual accounts is theirs to do as they deem fit - and that means saving for the kids' future, their own retirements, their extended family needs etc. Forcing one person to pay 100% of the household expenses - simply because he is a man - while holding on to 100% of one's own salary won't go down well with most hubbies.

If we play the 'traditional' card with them where their paychecks are concerned, then they might force us to play the traditional card when it comes to their extended families, too. I REALLY don't want to shut up, and play the dutiful DIL role, cutting off my own FOO and being 100% enmeshed with my ILs. So, I would avoid using the 'its a MAN's job to take care of the house' trump card.

Hi SS,

Thanks for clarifying. As long as the savings are for the use and benefit of BOTH spouses and will be used to help BOTH spouses' families, then I don't see a problem with one person spending on all the household expenses and the other person saving his or her income fully.

However, a while ago, there was a thread here from a woman whose husband FORCED her to spend all of her income on their household expenses while he himself forked over 100% of his own earnings to his FOO. That bugged me no end, and, that is why, as a matter of fact, I generally opine that every individual (husband OR wife) married to an employed spouse not spend all of their incomes on the household, but to insist that the spouse pick up half the tabs, and to keep a certain portion of their earning aside for themselves and their families to ensure that they are not taken advantage of by their spouses like this lady was.