Mending my relationship with my mother

I stay with my parents since couple of yrs as my husband was working abroad. He returned few months ago and my mom insisted we stay with them as they were alone. My mom stills expects me to be her in control like the old kid days and my dad supports her behaviour and stands by her expectations. She gets angry while i do any little thing without informing her and holds a long face to me. This has been going on for more than a yr now.My husband has a difficult time adjusting to my parents way and their place and watchinh my tough time dealing with my mothers expectations. but patiently bears it for my sake. I feel i am being very unjust to my husband. I decided to my move out, not far from them but my mom is terribly upset. She sweared not to visit her anymore if i move out. ...

it is a week since i informed her abt my move and she is still very angry. Day by day i could sense her pain and anger increasing. i am afraid if she will hate me forever. i need her in my life always. i take every oppurtunity to explain to her why i am moving out. and i was honest with my reasons to her. i did tell her that it was her controlling nature that forced me to move out. That pricked her hard. i feel guilty now for being honest and hurting her. My mom has done a lot for me, i emphasize , done a lot more than any other parent has done and now she blames that i am being selfish and walking out on her. what do i do. She refuses to listen and repeats what she has done for me all this life and how i betray her now by leaving her. It is killing me. I am very afraid and confused. what do i do..she refuses to listen to me ..

I feel you have done the right thing. Your husband should have a home that is a safe haven of peace, where he can feel free to be himself. You deserve that too. And although we have grown up living with our parents, the dynamic changes when we get married. That is why 99.9% of the time I believe a married couple should live seperately from parents. You've made the right choice, especially if your husband was starting to feel uncomfortable. His resentment would just have continued to grow and would've eventually spilled over into a big fight.

Your mom is wrong to think you are 'walking out' on her. If anybody is being selfish, it is your mom. You aren't walking out... you are spreading your wings and building a new life with your husband, just as she did with your dad. You did the right thing by being honest with her. She needs to know that her behavior has the tendency to push you away from her, rather than bring you closer. Hopefully in time she will let that fact sink in, and realize that if she wants a better relationship with you, she needs to start giving you your space and freedom.

My advice would be to stick to your plans. Move out. If you don't move out, it will just send her the message that her control techniques and emotional blackmail work on you. Hence in the future she will keep using these techniques to try and control your life. But if you move out, she will be forced to realize that more of the same bad behavior does not make a situation better!

When you move out, make sure to still involve her in your life. Invite her over to your house, and go over to hers. Call her on the phone. Send her a card just to let her know you are thinking of her. When she complains about your decision, let her know that you can empathize with her sadness, but at the same time feel it was the best decision for EVERYONE involved. Afterall, if she kept controlling... how long would it have been before you or hubby exploded and damaged the good relationship you have with her?

That's great that your mom has done a lot for you. But quite frankly, that was her job as a parent. Don't let it get you down when she mentions 'all that was done' for you. You'll do the same for your kid too someday. That is what it means to be a 'mom'. Never miss the opportunity to tell her how thankful you are for all her help and how much you love her. You owe her that. But you also owe it to yourself and hubby to live independently and enjoy life as a married couple in the privacy of your own home. Keep that in mind. Good luck!

Originally Posted by SKK

i take every oppurtunity to explain to her why i am moving out. and i was honest with my reasons to her. i did tell her that it was her controlling nature that forced me to move out.

Stop explaining and giving reasons. That will be best for ALL in your situation. Minimal discussion around it, then a move out, then a natural reduction in interaction, followed by hopefully absence making the heart grow fonder.

When someone calls me for dinner, and we cannot make it, if I don't have a full-proof excuse, I only say "Sorry, we cannot make it". I give the reason only if it 100% discussion-proof. Giving a reason that can be debated makes everyone unhappy and hurt in the end.

That pricked her hard. i feel guilty now for being honest and hurting her. ..

Stop feeling guilty. This is standard guilt-trip that some parents send their child on. We hear it more often from parents of boys in the Indian scenario.

Anything that parents do for their children is out of their own free will, and natural human nature. Expecting children to pay them back in any way is foolish and not fair to the child. The child should voluntarily feel and take care of parents and love them back similarly once grown up, but that care cannot be demanded.

Your number one priority should be your married life. You owe that to yourself and the man you married, who has been quite patient for the past one year.

-Rihana

Thank You asuitablegirl and Rihana.

I look forward for more suggestions and opinions.

SKK

I guess there was a similar thread about this which was created by you...

However, again, agreed your mom has done a lot for you..more than any other parent can/ will/supposed to do for their kids...

But does that mean, you sacrificing your marriage, your husbands peace of mind, your peace of mind, your and your husbands' self respect for the sake of satisfying your moms anger and feelings??? I dont understand this.

See first of all you have to understand that there will be hurt and upset feelings not because of your decision, but because of the insecurity your mom has...because of the feeling of loosing control, because of the feeling of no one to take care of...no one to talk to..no one to boss aroundso...you have to slow down...clear you brain of this emotional blackmail,tell your mom, you are not moving far off..just that as you are grown up and you need to have your own family your own house and thats how its supposed to be...and thank her for taking care of you and the kid all this while..let her know that you always need her support and blessings...dont make her feel used and thrown out..rather let her know its time for you to standup on your feet and implement those that she taught to you...

for few days/weeks she would sure be upset..but again slowly they would come to terms ...most of all to realise that its time to let go....Also take her to the new house/apt., take her suggestions on furnishings..(whether you accept those suggestions or not is again upto you...but just make her feel that she is still family...just that now the priorites have changed...)

Dear all,

I was very depressed in thought abt what my mom accused me of. Being selfish and betraying her after using her support. But with all your replies, i am gaining the strength to go ahead with my decision.

U are right srividya. I had created a smimilar thread couple of weeks ago for suggestions on my moving out.... but situation worsened past week after i informed my mom on the move. The week had been dreadful. It was for a reassurance i posted again a new thread to reassure thta i was not selfish or betraying my mother by walking out on her or wrong to be a supportive wife.

Time is the best healer. I hope it works for my mom and me as well. Though she has told me not to visit her or contact her once i move , i will still will call her often and visit her every weekend to reaasure she is very important to me and moreover i cannot stay without seeing her for too long as well.

thank u all once again

It is heart breaking to be away from parents (both u and ur husband).......But I really appreciate you for understanding your husband's feelings and I hope he respects your feelings too. Usually in a case which is other way round (girl being with her inlaws) and she faces same problems the guys in most cases don't understand their wives feelings and tend to incline more on their mom's side(girl's MIL). Your effort is highly appreciated.

Just be close to her as you always were. Remember she was the happiest person ever to see you in this world. Don't go far away from her.

Good Luck.