We are in a Strange Situation

Hi ILs...

Hope all are doing well.

My sil (bhabhi, anni) and me are experiencing this strange behaviour from our mil. All 3 live in 3 different countries. She compares me (and my family) to sil and says all good things abt my sil to me when she talks to me and does the vice versa when she is with SIL. Both her sons(who are married, one more son unmarried) – no matter what, support their mom and her orthodox thoughts. (even after living in a forward country for years). At first we did not understand what she meant but this never stopped. Lately we realise how all these talks slowly get into our nerves.
Why does this happen? What is she expecting out of this?
Please reply. I am very confused as to what she wants from us?

It really pricks deep in and I am not able to concentrate on anything else.

Originally Posted by Maharani

I am very confused as to what she wants from us?

Rani,

We are confused too with your post..

What " orthodox " behaviour are you refferring to ?
How do you think the sons following that is affecting you and your co-sister ?

About the habit of saying different things to both of you and bad mouthing behind backs.. As far as you both are in a good relationship and know that you and your co-sister wouldnt trouble each other .. ignoring your MIL's funny behaviour would be the best for both of you... Just maintain the same clarity in your relationship..

I think you need to be a little more clear about what trouble you are facing so that members can give crisp responses..

We shall wait..

My just 2 cents.

When people are get older,they need some one to talk something about.When we are young age,we are really buys with work ,family and we don't need anyone to talk as we very busy with out family life.
When people get older,I beleive it's very hard for them to get though the phase as they lived there lifes by being busy raising kids.So I beleive for time pass they talk some thing other.

Thanks for your response,

Sorry for being confused here.
Orthodox thinking > she makes me do things which she likes, like praying to the God she believes in. I believe in a differnt God and when she saw the statue she went mad at me, shouting, telling me I should not be keeping this at home and I should not touch the statue.

Sons follow her words: - She keeps telling sons not to give us enough freedom(of money and talks). So when ever I wanted to buy something for myself or my sister my DH would stop and we would have an argument/fight.

I am bought up in a very broad minded and free family where we mingle well with others. here she does not like me talking to my parents or any other relatives. She gets so jealous that after the guests leave we have a fight. She keeps telling my DH how freely I was talking to others and not to her. (I actually was talking very freely to her but she started pin pointing what ever I say, so I maintained a distance.)

My parents spent their whole life in bringing us up and in our education(2 siblings both are Engineers by profession) and we also had a grand wedding in my home town and as gift my parents gave me whatever Gold/Silver they had. She(MIL) visited my parents with my husband (while i was here in Vancouver) and there she kept saying to my parents that my SIL's parents gave her(SIL) lots of GOLD and fridge/tv/washing machine and other furniture and she said that she did not know what I had bought after wedding (we did show her whole family the amt of gold we had given). My DH did not say a word. From that day on I maintain a distance from her. Her talks are very rude and dominating. I have stopped talking to her.

Originally Posted by Drpreethis

Rani,

We are confused too with your post..

What " orthodox " behaviour are you refferring to ?
How do you think the sons following that is affecting you and your co-sister ?

About the habit of saying different things to both of you and bad mouthing behind backs.. As far as you both are in a good relationship and know that you and your co-sister wouldnt trouble each other .. ignoring your MIL's funny behaviour would be the best for both of you... Just maintain the same clarity in your relationship..

I think you need to be a little more clear about what trouble you are facing so that members can give crisp responses..

We shall wait..

Thanks Priya >>> Yes, that is what I also think. SHe has not maintained any good relationships with her husband's family and the sons also follow her. They all talk bad about everyone including me n my parents. I feel so bad about this. Every night they have a conference talk on phone and they don't include me or my SIL(we are in 3 differnt countries). And my DH keeps it on speaker which I hear always(from inside room) and when I am in front of him he neverkeeps in speaker. They have also told me that she(MIL) and 3 sons are all one and they all will know what is going on in other's house. The thought of it itself makes me feel sick at home. I don't know what to do.........

I think it's not SIL.SIL means husband sister.It should be co-sister(husband brother's wife).
Fitst good thing is you don't live with her.Something always happen at marraige and you should forget about those.
Where does your MIL lives.If your FIL is not alive,son's are very protective of mother and that's how they brough up by bad mouthing others and you can't change them.
For me and my husband are very different in some things.Politly tell your husband that ,please don't put on speaker.First thing you should stop listing to them and do whatever he wants to do with his family.Just don't get into that and maintain your peace.
As long as your husband doesn't bother with there convesation then you should be happy for it.

Thanks for clarifying, I was not sure of the term.

Yes - you are right I should forget, trying hard but not able to forget.
MIL - India, FIL - expired Co-sister family in US.
I totally understand the feelings the son's have and I also feel bad that she is staying alone so I sent my DH to stay with her and I always keep telling him to go and spend time. But becoz of his work he is not able to and BIL only talks about the feelings for his mom but has never gone to India in 10 years for his mom becoz of citizenship stuff. I also told them I will go but I am stuck here with my immigration stuff and have not left country in 4 years time since I came here after marriage. So I told my DH to go and bring her here which did happen and i was also happy.(had also kept so many fasts to god for her visa as she had many rejections).

Now the situation is changing. I think I will get my immigration doc within early next year and I want to go to my parents house(madras) not MIL(Bombay) bcoz of what we had in past. This will be my first visit after marriage to India and want to spend lovely time with my parents. SHe will be coming here anywayz for another year as we have her application in process. So we plan to get her here when we go next year.

Originally Posted by Priya16

I think it's not SIL.SIL means husband sister.It should be co-sister(husband brother's wife).
Fitst good thing is you don't live with her.Something always happen at marraige and you should forget about those.
Where does your MIL lives.If your FIL is not alive,son's are very protective of mother and that's how they brough up by bad mouthing others and you can't change them.
For me and my husband are very different in some things.Politly tell your husband that ,please don't put on speaker.First thing you should stop listing to them and do whatever he wants to do with his family.Just don't get into that and maintain your peace.
As long as your husband doesn't bother with there convesation then you should be happy for it.

Maharani,

If I was you,I wouldn't go to bring her for straight one year.I would spilt to 2 times.
I don't know how the canada visa works though.I think you need to stop disliking her.Otherwise it would be difficult for you to host her.
One thing we need to understand,we can't elimanate Mil's from our lifes.it's better to have atleast some good feeling rather than negative feeling.I beleive lot of people do lot of tricks at marraige times.Thats is the time where they have power.
Like poilticien,evey ones know the universal truth that politician only do promises at campaign.Same thing goes here.
Also I wouldn't advise sharing lot of information to co-sister.behind the scene,we don't know what goes in and out.
If you both are visiting india then shouldn't be any problem.If you are just visiting yourself,I beleive first drop at bombay and stay with her 2 days and take a flight ,go to madras.That way you can avoid lot of heat.
Just my 2 cents.It's totally upto you at the end.

I plan on buying stuff for my siblings and all others back home which I dont want to show her or tell her. My only scare is she will keep telling me that I am spending so much for others and not for her(will definitely get but still hear complaints) and same old she loves her parents, that is not my house, parents and siblings should be cut off.........all kit kit In short I dont want her to know what I am doing. Already DH n I had big fights abt it and now he has also told his mom abt me going to chennai first but since she is not talking to me I don't know what is going on.

Maharani,

What I do truly in my case. I don't try anything wrong and makes me guiltier of doing it and I totally ignore their actions and it will not bother me whether MIL talks or not. But if my husband handover phones to me, I just talk. If they avoid, I will tell she is not interested to talk to me.
I do understand your India trip plan. If you are bringing her back here then you should go before leaving the country. But most of the times India trip will give lot of heartburn and please keep it in mind. Don’t think you will have 100% happy time especially after marriage. you need to handle both sides and don't dream you can avoid one party totally.
Even though you can make your husband agree to you,but once you land there and by that time you come back,you should be ready for another fight.So don't just fallow heart,try to understand the mind and the things diplomatically.

All the best.

Maharani ,

Listen, As long as your DH is happy with you, just don’t give yourself a hard time listening to their late night phone calls every single night.

Just ignore – there’s nothing you can do about it. I know it’s hard, but you eavesdropping
would only make the situation worse. Since your DH is so attached to his mom, even if a
small effort to bad mouth MIL from your side , will do only harm. So instead try to be a supportive wife and at the same time understand that you don’t have to compromise on your priorities all the time .

See, your MIL is coming over for a year soon, so it’s ok to go directly to your place and spend more time to spend there and less on your inlaws – though don’t completely ignore her . You can call them once every 2-3 days and spent few days(whatever you are comfortable with) at her place .Talk to your DH abt this before heading to india and make a plan – so he knows what exactly is happening when MIL cribs abt you. I feel like, your MIL belongs to no-matter-what-you-do-I-won’t-be- happy types.

Make sure that DH understands the effort that you put to ensure MIL’s happiness when you are there and in hand he’ll understand how you are getting rewarded from her.No matter what you do don’t badmouth abt her to DH, instead let him see and understand himself . Like in case you called her today, let DH know abt it – same goes with visits/presents.At the end of the day, she’ll be annoyed – let’s just say some people are like that, but your DH will understand the situation better

Last but not the least, Don’t trust SIL completely …You never know when she’s gonna turns the plate against you.