Invites for Success Stories and solutions for unhappy marriage due to IN LAWS

Hi Folks ,

Firstly and Finally I would like this blog to be a database to handle issues rather than just burning yourself out and cribbing thru-out life for issues or deciding for a suicide...which not allowed at all , as there is a solution to everything may be not fully happy one....

Best of Luck to all of us , we strong ladies and wish we get more stronger with this thread day by day ...

Issues are a complex mixture of

1) Love OR arranged marriage
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2) MIL And/OR FIL relationship issues.
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3)Mama's Boy syndrome
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4) Cross Culture / Family /Religion /Tradition/ Orthodox / old traditions/Old rituals/ demeaning rituals towards women
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5)SIS , BIL , CO-SIS issues
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6) JOB
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7)Husband moral support
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8)Staying with inlaws / remote controlling by inlaws

Finally you do not spend quality and stress free life with your husband for which actually your inlaws got his son married or your husband married you(in case of love marriage)

Since 90% women face this in India , there are definitely success stories out of them else all 90% would have been dead deciding suicide.

I cordially invite all of you to share your big to small all issues you felt you handled successfully , also experienced females who finally learn't the art of valuing themselves and their lives and learn't to ignore issue, but these women definitely have a reason which strive them to ignore issues , please share those thoughts and reasons.

Firstly and Finally I would like this blog to be a database to handle issues rather than just burning yourself out and cribbing thru-out life for issues or deciding for a suicide...which not allowed at all , as there is a solution to everything may be not fully happy one....

Best of Luck to all of us , we strong ladies and wish we get more stronger with this thread day by day ...

-SVB

That's a really comprehensive list, very accurate!

I will tell briefly how I stopped the inlaws problem.

I got my husband on my side and got him to understand the abuse that was happening to me. I did this by gathering all the evidence and giving lots of examples. Then I demanded strong action or I would leave the marriage. Today we keep total distance from them and my dh has a very cold relationship with his parents, mom especially. We gave them one or two chance to act better, but they blew all chances, now we are done with them permanently. My mil spent a lot of time telling me how my dh was like putty in her hands, so I was sure to tell her after a year of him not calling her that if she dare interfere in my life again, it'll be a decade before she hears from her golden son. We gave sil a chance to understand what was going on, dh also confronted her for the way she bully's me. She acted over smart, now my dh is totally turned off by her too.

Basically they did wrong. I couldn't take it any more. Dh gave them a chance to come clean and act better. Nobody wanted to take him up on his offer. Now they're pretty much out of our life.

In last 6 yrs.. and constant tries from my MIL to do us part in arranged marriage.. the criteria for successfully remaining on married track is :
1) Communicate & connect with husband.... after each fight his mom leaves him incommunicable.. i really need to get him out of his shell. .this time it took over 1 mnth.
2) EGO has to be kept aside.
3) Remaining tactful.... MILs from METROS are really polished in their ways of uprooting you.
4) IGNORE a lot of silly comments with smile.
5) Keep ultimate patience with kids and DH.
6) Bring expectations to a newest low each time.
7) Never compromise on self respect.
8) Maintain bare minimum communication with ILs.... cos they can neither be ever happy with you nor they'll ever leave you alone with DH.

Shilpa,

Well said, and that is truly experience speaking. All the points are important, but these I found myself nodding my head really fast to agree:

Originally Posted by ShilpaMa

3) Remaining tactful....
4) IGNORE a lot of silly comments with smile.
7) Never compromise on self respect.
8) Maintain bare minimum communication with ILs...

I so wish someone had told me such things when I got married. Or are these only possible to learn through experience.

-Rihana

I agree with Rihana that I wish someone would have given me some tips early in my married life. Looking back, I was an easy target because right from day one I let my gaurd down around my inlaws and tried too hard to please them. So much so that I ignored their abuse for a long time thinking I could 'make' them like me. Probably if I had done what Shilpa has advised...

Maintain bare minimum communication with ILs.... cos they can neither be ever happy with you nor they'll ever leave you alone with DH.

... so many problems of mine could have been avoided. I think in any new relationship, be it with inlaws or anyone else, we shouldn't open ourselves up 100% until we know how we'll be treated. Just like I wouldn't hop in to a stranger's car, I shouldn't have been so quick to invite my inlaws into my life.

Shilpa, this ones good too...

Bring expectations to a newest low each time.

The higher your expectations of people, the harder you fall when they don't come true.

Originally Posted by ShilpaMa

3) Remaining tactful.... MILs from METROS are really polished in their ways of uprooting you.

I could relate to this. Since my family and DH families are from big cities and our community itself is very forward. so cheap and dirty games are not played. What my inlaws play are high - level and polished mind games. I can't even go ahead and tell my DH since it will just not be visible to him. Though sometimes he does figure out. but,small things are difficult to tell.
Ofcourse,one good thing is my MIL never talks to me. not because she is angry etc. just that she is like that!. she prefers to talk and talk with her son or daughter. and As long as she does not bitch about me,I am ok.

I could relate to this. Since my family and DH families are from big cities and our community itself is very forward. so cheap and dirty games are not played. What my inlaws play are high - level and polished mind games. I can't even go ahead and tell my DH since it will just not be visible to him. Though sometimes he does figure out. but,small things are difficult to tell.

I completely agree ..They are very tactful in playing mind games..Even if I go and tell my DH he would say you are making a mountain of a mole hill..

But they(ILs) dont stop complaining or finding faults in everything that i do..and the worst part is they dont directly deal with me..they will tell my DH(they will have a family discussion about this)..I am not included in the discussion..and my DH would come and fight with me.

The best way to deal with them is to ignore them and if you dont have a job,find one and keep yourself busy..

As Shilpama rightly pointed out..thats the best thing to do..

Thanks folks for the tremendous reply for my first thread.
I really appreciate the replies as they are helping every one .
Only one suggestion , but definitely not a rule, Please try giving more success stories and try to keep the in-replies that is reply to reply chain little small as the main focus of the thread may get lost in long run.

Folks I will also share my stories some time ....

Do vote for the poll , This poll is specifically to console and support ladies who feel they are in worst situation and try to take extreme steps endangerously their precious soul.

!!! Together we will change the Indian Social Attitude towards Female !!! (ofcourse will take time)

Hi all,

I wouldn't say i got a solution to all my problems but i could minimize the effects on our life doing these things. Its been 2 years to my marriage now and I have 3 troubles SIL small trouble herself but reason for her mother troubling me, FIL sarcastic and authorative trouble to me and hubby, MIL OMG biggie big trouble not to mention the people around them adding oil in fire.

My success story starts with the very crutial starting point - My dear hubby pie. Our relation has been very strong and transparent since the very begining before our marriage(touch wood! pray for me it remains so). He stands firm with me in every situation and never lets anyone trouble me in his presence. But my ILs are too clever. They would act very nice in front of him and point out smallest of things i do wrong even unintentionaly. But he doesn't fight with me in front of them and will tackle it and talk to me alone. We never discuss our personal issues with them whatever they try.
He told me all their characteristics and ways before meeting them so I decided to keep distant relationship and minimal communication with them. I also make it a point to tell DH every incident, communication with them. This has helped me a lot coz they just turn around when confronted and would put the blame on me. As he knows everything, he can make out who is the lier.
I never deny meeting them even after a big fight. I convince him to talk to them, buy things for them. And they do the opposite they tell him to leave me saying i'm not good for him, i'm behind his money, and never call me or talk to me. So he knows who's on which side.
I do not get into any argument with them when he is not around though i don't let them rule my life. Then I tactfully bring the issue to discussion when he is around and clear it with them. I make myself very clear instead of beating around the bush.
I have never stayed with them alone except once before marriage for a day. that was a bad day of my life they gathered their relatives and DISCUSSED how useless character i am and if they do not agree for marriage, they can easily get him married to a good girl from their caste, then he'll forget me forever like we forget our old cupboard once we get a new better one. I did not argue just listened and put his call on. When he confronted, they didn't have any answer.
I do not go out of the way to please them just normal and formal. And do not pay attention to their tantrums unless it hurts my self esteem or physically. I do not take their blaberring seriously as I know what i am and do not need their certificate.
So far this has worked for me.
Wish you all the best. May God clear all troubles from all your lives and bless you with happiness. But if something comes just find happiness in small things and believe me accumulate it and you'll find biiiiiiig happiness around. There are not only these people in our lives, there are so many people around who like us, love us, appreciate us. Give importance to them, spend time with them.
No one but YOU, should rule your mind and stearing wheel of your life.
Everything happens, happens for good. Maybe God has kept something better waiting for you on the next corner just take a turn and reach there. Stop worrying and start living!

Sorry if I bored you
Vaidehi

thanks for the success story. Great !!
Let me compliment your hubby is quite sane already !!