am i thinking too much

Hi Friends
Hope everyone r fine ...
This the place i get real comfort when i have problems but scared of my dh i check this when he is not there around ...

i wanted to share my small problem with u ...
as it is my brothers marraige i couldnt go to india because of visa problems
as i already posted long back in this forum and i got good response from you guys .. so i opted for not going to india .
which i really from my heart miss every one out there
.comming to my In laws they always wander to their relatives places and to their daughters and stay there hardly they stay in their own house .
many time my relatives went to give marraige invitation and the final result they wont be there ..
even if we call before hand they say that they r leaving now
...
this is the situation with my inlaws
as usual my parents called them before hand that they wish to come for giving marraige invitation
for engagement she didnt come that was a genuine reason that my Mil s mother expired which we all felt unhappy and bit hesistant to say engagement as well but as of he duty we mentioned them
and she said she is not supposed to come because of her mother expired
that is very well understood
but when it comes to marraige and my parents called them before hand and she said she is leaving right now when the marraige is ateast have time of 1 week so she may not able to attend the marraige
till now not a single marraige she atteneded from my side
i was the fool enough to go to my side marraige representing my mil whole family ..
now i really want to talk to my dh abt this ...
but i really dont know how to start the topic ..
pls share ur ideas or suggestions regarding this topic

some times i feel even if they go or doesnt go its not going to effect any way .. but just think what my relatives will feel never they show up

even if i have to fly back to US none of my inlaws would be present
only if my dh would accompany with me then they stop by at airport .

my mil enjoys all her side functions never fail to attttend .always . present before hand only i mean 2 days before they will stop by even i never said no their functions ..then why they has to do with me like this ?

i would attend all my mils functions which r of course my family functions itself
but cant she understand this small point ....
plz ladies give me ur ideas when i heard this i really felt bad
any how i wont be attending nor my dh to my brothers marraige which iam really feeling bad from bottom of my heart .

so my inlwas can attend atleast ...
am i thinking too much or asking too much plz let me know

iam really used to this type of situation from the begining ...when my inllaws would realize ?

i feel most of the in laws are like that
dont take it into consideration
enjoy yourself in going to all the parties and functions you want to go and as long you are comfortable
i know it hurts when you know she attents her side functions and not yours and escapes all time but ya some people are like that due to many reasons and as you know at that age no one can change belive me i had this problem where i was thinking why my mil wont come or talk to my parents even when my dad epxired she dint bother to talk to mom or come home
and more than that i had problems in answering my relatives and friends as to why she dint and waht problems we had etc and wat not...since then i just ignore..it makes no difference for me if she come sor goes or whatever

Kajol,

I can relate to your post in so many ways. I like how you mentioned that you attend all your MIL family functions which are your family functions itself - that shows how deeply you consider yourself part of your family by marriage.

You are not able to attend brother's wedding, and must be getting updates on phone, it must be hard to think of all the festivities you are missing. You want at least your MIL to attend. You are wondering how to initiate the topic with your husband. How about you take a deep breath and a few minutes to think how worth it are these two? Going by your MIL's past record, do you think she will attend the wedding or if she attends will she do it gracefully? Or will she create avoidable hassle for your parents in busy & happy time like wedding?

Bringing it up with your husband - before doing so examine all possible results of discussing it with him. If he agrees with you, and talks to her about it, then what will happen. If he agrees with you, but says he cannot talk to his mom. If he does not agree with you, and this creates unnecessary tension between you both? You know your husband best, but generally speaking, I think in such situations, the issue doesn't get resolved to the wife's satisfaction, but the fact that she brought up the topic and made it an issue will be remembered for ever.

The airport thing - I also have gone to the airport alone as my husband was not able to come for some reason. I also felt bad.

Having been married for more than ten years, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot control other people's actions, especially in-laws. And trying to control them by asking husband to intervene is not worth it.

If I were you, I would not worry about what my relatives will think if my MIL does not attend functions. Let your relatives make their own conclusions. Over time, your relatives will also learn to reciprocate similarly. Don't put yourself in the middle of in-laws and relatives as that will bring unnecessary tensions into your married life.

Rather than an indepth discussion with husband, I would go for a casual "it would be nice if MIL went for the wedding." (no more extra comments). After the wedding (if she doesn't attend), "Oh, it would have been nice, it is so sad she couldn't make it". Again, no extra comments. Your point would have been made but no unpleasantness created.

-Rihana

well kajol...
it is definitely unfair of ur in-laws to not attend or acknowledge.
but honestly i feel - it doesnt matter. if they dont want to, forget it. just ignore it..
i dont think we have to wonder or worry about our 'relatives' here. just our parents will do.

moreover, if they forcefully go, they might still behave elusive/indifferent. which will be worse. and if god forbid, there is something that is not upto their 'expectation' at ur brother's wedding (in terms of rituals, behaviour, return gifts, wedding prep, etc etc.. u never know. in-laws can point to silly things and create trouble) - they will still crib..

so just ignore and let go.
it really does not matter...

Kajol.. my ILs do the same and I've accepted this behaviour as more convinient for my parents as they're under less pressure & humiliation and can enjoy our own functions..

Originally Posted by ShilpaMa

Kajol.. my ILs do the same and I've accepted this behaviour as more convinient for my parents as they're under less pressure & humiliation and can enjoy our own functions..

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Sometimes, I have really wished I could make lemonade out of some of the "lemons" in my life.

I seocnd Rihana 100%.Even I wouldn't worry if my MIL goes or not.

One time my daughter was in india with my mom and she was hospitalised for a week and my MIL used to say every week to my husband that she would go visit her but she didn't at all.There is no using of forcing people to do things.

All I would say is dont even worry about it. I have completely opposite problem. My MIL wants to tag along wherever I want to go. Visiting my grand mother, my uncles, my brother's house ( every where). Not only with me but she also goes there by herself. If she comes with me she never leaves me alone with them to sit and talk peacefully. I feel so uncomfortable as I am very close to them. She talks endlessly without letting me open my mouth. If she goes there by herself she talks behind my back about me, my parents with my SIL and aunts for which I feel like crying some times. Lord help us from our in laws.

Thanks Lavi,Rihana,jhalli,Prema,Priya,Shilpa.
this is all apart of training given by my SIL to my mil .fil just carried actions carried out by my MIL. Sil and My Mil family feels if they have control of DIL and their family members then they will have respect .
thats the reason they wont let my dh also to talk with my Parents not even ask them to go for send off even if they come for visiiting at our palce . that is why i say to my parents not to come to my house and feel humiliated .Yes as the marraige date is approaching iam feeling really bad .. missing all those moments ...really feeling bad that i couldnt able to make it .
but on the other hand iam also glad that if i would have gone all by
mys elf My inlaws they will just drive me crazy .. tell all the things which i didnt do and make my dh angry ..all sorts of drama they do to make my dh believe so i have decided if i go i will go with my dh or else but never go alone back to India again ..

Yes indeed ur right .. As rihana said if my mil goes its good and if she doenst go makes us feel sad.
i really liked the way u mentioned it .
Rather than an indepth discussion with husband, I would go for a casual "it would be nice if MIL went for the wedding." (no more extra comments). After the wedding (if she doesn't attend), "Oh, it would have been nice, it is so sad she couldn't make it". Again, no extra comments. Your point would have been made but no unpleasantness created.

As Rihana said just will make apoint to my DH . thats it if they go well and good other wise also fine .

but am wondering why these MIL will behave like this ? When we r still young compared to them and adjust everything why cant they .. ?

Thanks Friends for Supporting me ..
This is the only place i stop by and solve my problems ..

Thanks Lavi for ur response when i saw ur post really felt bad that when ur dad expired she turned deaf ear how could they do all such things dear!!