Should I feel bad if my MIL/FIL never call my parents? Please read and advice me

Hi friends,

I am writing here after sometime. For those who know me,you might know I am very anxious by nature and it takes little things to trigger my mind into a very strong thinking/stressing mode.
I am also pregnant and due in Feb,and I have noticed that now that I KNOW I should not stress I tend to do it a little more during pregnancy...it happens on its own with me putting all my effort to stop it,but it hardly ever works. This forum does help me a lot and getting opinions from so many ladies has always been great.

Here's my new problem.I am sure its small for everyone but big for me since yday as I am thinking about it so much.
It all started with my SIL(BIL's wife) She complained about how my MIL never calls her parents and if her parents don't call my MIL,it'll be months and months before anyone calls.
I thought it was immature of her because she lives in US and my in-laws are in India,and I thought its ok if its her parents who call in-laws.
But then,yday when I was talking to my mum,I told her not to call my MIL to ask about god bharai now as its not yet 7 mos for me and very casually my mum said okay,she never calls herself,so don't worry till I don't call her we wont be talking...
This triggered a very bad reaction of thoughts in me.I asked her why she never calls and my mum was like because we call her.I said but when you dont' call say for 2-3 months then shouldnt she call you to check on you and my mom was like ya maybe she's angry that we don't call her that much over the phone like earlier so she also doesnt call.
This made me feel bad for some reason.

I wish my mom had just stuck to because we call her instead of the angry part because my in-laws I feel are not angry or anything with my parents.They all get along and joke and laugh when they do talk and all seems well.

I like to think its because thats how she is,doesnt like calling and expects calls from everyone and I hate the thought that she does this because she thinks since she's the ladkewale they are not supposed to call.

To give you a little background about her,she is a good MIL overall. Never interferes in our matters,never forces me to talk to her on the phone,when I talk she's usually very nice to me.She lets her son come and stay with me in my city every India trip and never complains.She also does not complain if I go to India to my city and don't visit her etc...
Also she never expects money from us...now the thing is I dont think she has the ladkewale ego but her not calling makes me think she does.
She once did say that about my SIL's parents in the beginning of their marriage ke why should she call they should call...but that was right in the beginning.

My own parents used to call them every Sunday after marriage. Without fail they used to call.then the frequency decreased as I only told them not to call that often and as it is with years(we r married since 6 yrs)now the calls are once every month or once every 2 months or so.

My mum said this could be the reason as in the beginning my MIL used to call as well.
Now you must have noticed I am siding MIL on this as I tend to feel better when I think she's not bad and what she's doing is normal.
If I start believing she has a grudge and so she does not call or she has a boys family ego etc then I feel restless and stress out.

My mum does not understand this maybe.
One more thing,I expressed what I was thinking to my DH and he said,thats how his parents are.They never call anyone.He's a very good husband,doesnt side them all the time but for the calling he said he has seen this attitude in them from the beginning.They are also very stingy when it comes to money(which is very true)and they feel if they dont call yours will anyway call only so its okay to not call.
Hubby also said my FIL never calls anyone,which I have noticed,and MIL worked in a phone company for 30 yrs so all her calls used to be free.
So when they were free she used to call people a little but she has a free call mentality so she avoids putting money in calls.
Even I go to India,if I dont call her for say 10 days after reaching parents place,she wont call me.She will wait for my call.She also complains sometimes about so and so not calling her but she does not call first.


Is this all as bad as my mind is making it to be?
I am thinking and getting restless.

Please advice me and help me understand.

Since my parents wont be coming to US for my delivery I am even thinking about inviting my MIL and it bothers me even more when I think about these things.I want to keep my mind free from all these thoughts only then I will be able to happily invite her over.

Sandhya,

Congratulations on your pregnancy! You are in the golden middle trimester, if I am calculating right.

Your parents and your in-laws are adults who can and should think for themselves and handle their relationships including those with their child's in-laws. They should themselves decide how often they want to call, whether who initiates the calls is an issue or not. If any misunderstandings occur, they should sort it out themselves without bringing you and your husband into the picture. This is even more the case given that you do not live in India.

In other words - you shouldn't be telling your mother whether to call or not. Any temporary long distance tiffs you ever have with your in-laws shouldn't impact your parents relationship with them. You can give your mother a general guidance on what will be the best level of relationship to maintain, but not call by call instructions.

My opinion would be the same even if you had a rocky relationship with your in-laws.

-Rihana

Hi Rihana,

Thanks for your advice.
It makes a lot of sense..but unfortunately I am asking for something else here.

I hope I get more replies. I am feeling so restless and getting headaches because of my anxiety.

Thanks,
Sandhya

Sandhya.. its absolutely normal.. dont get stressed out on it.
Some ppl never place calls.. reason can be :
1) Money minded 2) Not in same wavelength 3) Nothing to talk 4) Resentment that SIL is not living with them so they have no common topic.

Even if u see in frnds circle there are some who'd rarely call up without any specific reason.. its just for some remaining connected is never a priority. Also in cases when frm ur existing circle some get married and some dont.. they start loosing call freq due to lack of common topics.. more again with single frnds and those with babies.

Be happy & contended as long as she's not forcing you to do anything.

Hi Shilpa,

Yes this is true.Many people don't like making calls unless really urgent.My DH says she has always been like that.She made calls from her work when they were free for her and she is very careful with money.Even 100 rs is a lot for her so maybe she does this only because she doesnt like spending on calls.I would hate to think she does this because of a grudge against my parents or because she thinks the boys side should not call.

More replies please

Sandhya,

I accept that I have not gone through the whole post completely.

My two cents:

Please enjoy your pregnancy period completely with no disturbing thoughts in mind.It happens in each and every household.

hi sandhya.
relax.
this is very common in every house hold...
i guess this is not the time for you to worry on all this.
but be firm in one thing as long as you are not totally comfortable it is not advisable to call your inlaws for delivery

Sandhya, it has nothing to do with being inlaws/ladkewala/ladkiwala. Some people are like that. They erally dont have the habit of phoning much and even if people call them, they dont have much to contribute to the calls. Am talking from personal experience and you DH himself has said they dont have the habit of making calls much. So stop stressing. You have a gem of a MIL(dream MIL for many a DIL), so just be happy. From what you have described her, she/they seem to be pretty non attached type and the attitude towards phone calls also reflect on that. So dont take it personally.
As for your Parents calling your ILs, leave it to them.

Dear Sandhya,

I really am at a loss how to comfort you. I do hope you work on your anxiety soon. My thoughts on this particular issue:

some people are simply like that, my FIL for example. in the beginning i too used to feel bad because it was always my parents who called my PILs on festivals and even casual calls. then my FIL would say a standard thing 'oh i was thinking of calling you; good that you yourself called'. then after couple of years i realised he is like that to everyone, including his daughters. one of my SILs live in the same town and he'll speak when she calls. same with my DH as well. he calls his parents once a week. but for some reason if he cannot his father only says 'oh i was looking forward to your call last week. is everything alright?' but he'd not phone himself to check. now i understand that is his nature and not with any bad intentions. and recently my father too has stopped calling my FIL because my father feels uncomfortable. and i just hear it out and as Rihana says i let them make these arrangements as they like.

if your MIL has been like this from the beginning then don't worry about this. and as you say she's like this with both her samdhans, and your FIL also isn't a 'phone person' so it simply must be their nature. take care

Latha