How to react to "My son's house"

Just tell her ... YOUR SON is my Husaband

Sujana,

I used to face similar comments and feel like you did. Once some distant relative in in-laws place asked me, "So, when are you going to quit the job and give us good news?", or something similar. I replied, "Oh you know, every month, my salary pays for mortgage of one floor of the house...so we don't know...." The satisfaction of seeing the stupid smile disappear from their face was momentary.

Your feelings are natural and anyone will feel like that. If I had been told to 'not take it personally', 'it does not matter', 'they are only comments by others, your husband is not saying that', 'pick your battles', 'that is how people talk in India', 'at least you have no other problems', I would not feel any better.

For me, the realization that people making those comments are to be pitied for their lack of manners, tact, knowledge of finances, knowledge of dynamics of modern marriages where both work, helped me in taking the high road. I don't work any more, but when I worked, I made more overall per year than my husband for a while. When we go to India, it is routine for any gifts that are got to be termed "he got them", no matter how much effort I have put in thinking of what to buy/how/where. Any negatives about the gifts like too short or not very useful, "Oh poor thing she doesn't know what kind is suitable for India".

Basically, I had to come to the realization myself, over time, that such people and their comments are not worth my time and attention. But, for a few years, I stewed like you are stewing right now.

I hope you are able to realize that such people will not change, we can only change our reaction to them. And, often no reaction is the best. It is most important to never ever let their comments come between husband and wife.

-Rihana

Be wise about the battles you choose to fight. Given your high stress life think if this is even worth a second thought IMHO some comments are best ignored. No matter what we say or do people will do and say things that might offend us. Just worry about the folks you care the most. Some people in life can never be taught the right things.

Kavya.

Originally Posted by ksujana

Both my husband and I work (I make more, but has never been a topic of discussion or created any issues but his parents dont know about our salaries, they think by default the man makes more). We bought a house and my mil refers to our home as "my sons home, xx's home". Although I know its natural for that generation of people to call it their son's home, I get annoyed thinking how much I contribute to the family money wise & physically. I manage the household all my myself & try to keep the house very clean and its like I am doing 2 jobs - 1 at work and 1 at home. For a person that does so much such comments irk me. On the other hand even If I were a stay at home mom I would think the same since a house cannot be a home without the work we do. How do you people handle such comments? I wish my DH would tell her in a casual or funny way that its our house and not just his. How did any of you handle this in a nice way? I dont want to say nasty things and spoil any good relationship I have. My parents never refer this way.

On the other hand, my co-sis is my mil's darling and she refers to their house as her place or her son&dils place which makes me feel more worse.

Originally Posted by Rihana

When we go to India, it is routine for any gifts that are got to be termed "he got them", no matter how much effort I have put in thinking of what to buy/how/where.

Hey Rihana.. this happens in my in-laws house everytime.. I would have taken all efforts to buy them the right things while my DH will be a spectator but after gifting them.. they tell each other.. see my son bought me this.. my SILs would tell each other brother bought this and that.. my DH just keeps smiling.. at some point, based on their comments, I would casually tell them the truth with a little topping.. 'oh DH said you wont like it at all, but I so wanted to buy it for you! Good that you like it.' my DH will still sheepishly smile not knowing how to react to the turn of their attention on me.

Sujana, this is a common remark for couples where both are earning.
Reason from my analysis being.... when the wife's also earning and contributing equally or more into the house she feels free to call her parents and relatives to stay over frequently as it wont be a financial burden to her husband.
Now most of the MILs dont approve of this behaviour.. irrespective of whether they were working or no / were their relatives staying over etc.. or whether they're staying with you or no.

So they emphasize that its their son's house for you to not to get too comfortable.
As far as I'm concerned.. I really dont get effected with this... as when you dont require a character certificate from ILs you also dont need a financial contribution /ownership certificate from them. Believe on whats present on sale deeds & receipts.

An interesting thread!

I can understand why you feel hurt...because you earn more than your husband still not getting recognised for it! Even though money is never discussed, at the back of your mind somewhere this is rankling.

The very fact that they do not ask you for your finances shows that it does not matter. If they were to ask about your finances , some would say that they are interfering.

my suggestion.. don't get upset by these very small things. See the bigger picture.

Hope you will feel better !!

I think how you react depends on the situation in which she says 'my son's house'. My mil says the same thing because she refuses to believe me and dh are married, or that I contribute to the household dynamic. But one day while she was staying in MY house, she told me to 'get out of her son's house.'

That's when I told her, "No. This is MY house too. I live here just as much as 'your son' lives here." Then I held up a piece of mail addressed to me that showed my name and address and said "See this? It's addressed to me, at this address, because... it's MY home! You can't tell me to get out of my own home." Of course after that she just got more angry and kept shouting at me about "her son's house" and that she was "the mother", so I don't know how much good explaining things to her did.

What I'm trying to say is, if your mil is openly hostile or shouting at you about 'her son's house', then you can probably give an answer back. But if she casually says it in a non confrontational way, then there's not much you can do about it without looking argumentative. My mil told everyone that she was 'visiting her son in her son's house.' But since the comment was never directed at me, I didn't say anything. Even when it was directed at me, I didn't say anything until she started to get abusive. My advice is use your judgment when tackling this issue.

Originally Posted by Priya16

I think this one goes like this.If my parents are visiting me then they would tell people that they are going to there daugther house and they don't get to say easily that they are going to there SIl house and same goes visa-versa.

Right ! Very very valid !

Sujana, do not expect things from people who are bent upon not givng attention to you ! So, what if she says it is her son's house ? Tommorrow you would say the same to your son's house too.

As you feel maybe her elder DIL is extra nice and she is getting her return gifts for that ! So, what ?? Everyone gets a candy to show appreciation.. :)

Maybe she doesnt have any appreciation for you. So what ? How does it matter. Is your salary and what you contribute to your house getting any lesser if your MIL doesnt call that your house !

Few of my hubby's friends call my house as Preethi's house.. So, does it mean my hubby gets irked ? He sees no point in wasting time on all that.
Take it something like that !


Do not give undue importance to everything in this world which actually needs no time over it !

This is very common among Indian parents, they never stop from getting a little hight that her dil. Do not mind. My MIL always would say that it is her son's house and she has got full right to stay here, even when I never opened my mouth about anything. And more so when my FIL buys the rice and other grocery in bulk (he did the same to his other son but she never talked like that) and will say that since her husband had bought the grocery she has more rights than me. Now she is not here with her son, but I am living with him. I too had contributed in the initial years of marriage for repaying the house loan but even my hubby would not mention it.
These people are not worth your time and attention, just smile in an indulging way when she says it again.

This is standard rhetoric for that generation that has not understood/come to terms with dils that earn and contribute. Best just to ignore.