becoming hard to deal with this day in day out....

Hi Friends...im here after a very long time...really need your suggestions in dealing with this situation if at all it can be...

brief background on me...mine is love cum arranged marriage when i thot i had the best
PILs at the time of marriage...well we all know how true it is as much as pigs can fly...well i had my share of fights and arguments with hubby and finally it was like if nymore im to complain then its better i dont speak to him. About my hubby, well he is a gem of a person except that he cant bear abt me speaking abt his parents. Guess its the same with everyone. Just as much as i hate anyone speaking ill abt my parents he too hates.

So initially i used to vent out to him now that channel is closed for ever if i have to use it its only at the cost of my mental peace. now coming to point, PILs are well educated(phds), well off..and thats the problem they always want me to acknowledge the fact and keep praising them for that...now why should i do that?? Also MIL thinks that she has done me a favor by accepting to our marriage and she has made this statement to my mom. She wants me to be very thankful.

MIL actsas though she is from tata-birla family and we are nothing, mind you ladies all she does very tactfully..no harsh words, no direct confrontation, only indirect taunts and jabs...i tolerated for few years then we came abroad and things were minimalistic via phone. Now we have kid and so my parents came to help me and returned. My MIL is here now.

My problem is im a working lady but right now in mat leave and so hv to spend the whole day at home as my DD is jus 3 months and with my MIL. am not able to constantly put up with her ramblings which include price tags of everything purchsed by her, greatness of her daughter and her husband and her kids and howshe maintains relationship wth her daughters in laws etc etc...day in day out same thing...just like a bee buzzing around my ears...add to this her remarksfor which am not able to retort back at that moment and later think i could hv replied in a better way, in short im not able to handle her effectively which makes me feel like a fool...please friends could anybody help me how to deal with such person?? I just wish to show her her place without being harsh and not getting into any problem which will frame me as a bad DIL in public, not that im regarded as the nice DIL now...friends please pour in your suggestions...please dont think and compare that ive no problem in comparison with others....this is the new age MILs where they dont resort to cheap tactics nevertheless indulge the same in a very sophisticated way....pure mind games and sheer brilliance at that !!!! help pls....sorry for the rant...

i really know its hard to tackle such people..oh ya i found most mils are like that no matter educated or not..or have money or not..they want to be praised and praised and praised..i find the glow of full moon on my mils face when i praise her the way she keeps things clean etc but her happiness is limited for that second and never she acknoledges what we are...and she has no satisfacton no matter what ever you do or are....so as you have your dd try concentrating on her more and avoid her as much as possible if you feel you cant take more than that
or let her take care of your dd activities and if relatives are near by let her go to them and usually my mil wont talk all this nonsense before my dh or fil does only when i am alone..so i usually wont sit in drawing room as she makes me cry by her comments and words..usually i sit in my room most of time before internet and watch movies..hardly i find time for this as i am working and in shifts so sleep other time and sit with her not more than 10 mins and get back ..

Ashritha,

Just tell,you are the best and no one can beat you.Just don't take into heart whatever she talks.Just prise her on the scene and move on.Just think like a boss where you need to appretiate.I beleive after a while she may stop it.As soon as she open the mouth,oh whatever "mil",you are the best and I don't see a person like you.I am proud to get a MIL like you.
I know ,you are agreed me as your DIL and so sweet of you and move on.

leanr to prise her and act to prise her.I beleive after a while,she may not look for your attention.

She will stay only for 6months or so and top of it she is taking care of new born and you know how much it would have been difficult on you if you leave her some daycare.
The amount of time you spend with her also would be very less,after the job and baby at home.So she might be happy if she hears praise from her DIL.so just appretiate her and move on.

Dear Ashritha,

I can see your issues. It's so annoying to keep praising someone day in and day out. My case was along with this there wouldn't be a word of appreciation for ANYTHING no matter what it is. I learnt to not expect.

Also for this praising, just acknowledge once and keep deaf ears. And if it goes way beyond, just politely tell her that there are many people who have accomplished. It's good to take pride but just that they are not the only. My MIL takes ultra pride in her cooking and at one point the boasting went to such an extent that I had to say that 'I like xyz mami's sambhar, abc mami's curry' which subtly meant that their was even better and after a while things came into place. But still now and then they go out of hands

Also if she says that she did a favor by agreeing to the wedding, your parents have also done the same favor. So subtly tell them that it was hard convince you parents too. So they have done a favor by agreeing to the wedding for they have made up their mind for the wedding.

I know your baby is very small but take a break at least an hour a day and step out and keep any conversations with her minimal.

Cheers.

Hi Ashirtha

I know exactly how you feel .You explained it so very well about this sophisticated taunting .Yeah even sometimes I use to feel the shouting is better than this indirect taunting as it irritates you more whenever you think about it Even My folks are like that .The best way to tackle is to IGNORE .Yes IGNORE.your MIL praising about herself or her daugters ,son make her feel good so be it .If you can't or tired of hearing it then just tell her that you need run some errands or check on the baby and leave the room .

End of the Day even if she taunts you indirectly the best way to shut her up is to Ignore .Only when you react it drives her to comment more .So just smile as if you care a damn for her comment and walk away

Ashritha2008,

I understand that it can be irritating with your snobbish MIL and her bragging day in and day out. Try to make an excuse to spend time with the baby and leave the scene rather than keep listening to her for hours.

Since you are a working woman ,remember that once you get back to work, you will not be able to spend much time with the baby.
Now that you are on leave , make the best of this time to bond with your baby. Make the best of it and dont let your MIL spoil this period for you

HI Ashritha,
I know its so annoying to have someone constantly wanting your attention and praise but look at it this way (as someone already said) she is here to help so be thankful or else you would have to do that part of the job also. so every time she says something that annoys flash out that million dollar smile you have and walk away...
You have a small baby so pretend to be busy with the kid... you need to feed her/ change nappies/ put her to sleep/ and then get some rest yourself...and if there is extra time run out and do errands/ grocery shopping/ baby clothes shopping... if not go to the library...
But do all this subtly and respectfully after all this lady has also come 1000s of miles away from her home to help you guys...

K
P.s. not undermining your pain anybody in your position would be in your state. the MILs can get upto your nerves with their provocation & taunts but your hormones are also in a mess after the delivery so have patience and wait for her to leave!!

Ashritha.. fedup's ideas are best.. just pickup any of those mentioned activities... in short try to cut short your contact with her that can give her an opportunity to sing fairy tales abu herself.

Also remember when ppl turn old they keep repeating all this to reassure themselves that they are important and DIL is a piece of rug in their house..... its smiliar to kids who want to speak and speak and want everyone to listen to them only & in praises with +ve note....

There's no easy way to handle MIL effectively cos any inputs/ replies from you shall be taken as a back answer or being impolite (Reason being all those songs had already irritated you to the core.. & a reply will carry that). When you know she's lying simply give a small smile and leave that place.. sometimes it works.

Thanks lavii, priya16, smartsoul,scorpio gal, reshabu,feduptocore and shilpama for all your replies lovely friends... i feel lot better just ranting here...unfortunately as you all said im currently on leave as there r no projects for me so stuck at home...but i enjoy very much with my lovely daughter...im trying all suggestions like being in different room, ignoring her and just smiling back w/o retorting to her...

As you all say i tend to all baby activities and she does not even change a nappy..well i dont expect that...feduptocore i really am thinking on those lines and being quiet so that she spends quality time with her son and leaves me alone...its just difficult to speak with everyone she talks on phone..even if im in restroom, she wants me to come quick and speak with SIL to wish on her marriage anniversary for which i obliged but she in turn says that she is late to office and will have to speak later...i got so pissed off...well am learning to ignore though its easier said than done...

Ashritha,

Not everytime are members writing issues compared to other ladies in distress.. Yeah it is done sometimes, when the person needs a reality check that the problem can be solved or when the person just goes on and on complaining and defending but not ready to try any suggestions given here.. :) That is all..

But, YES. EVERY PROBLEM IS UNIQUE IN ITS OWN WAY ! What seems to be Oh ! That is it ?? for me neednt be the same to someone else ! :)

So, do not worry.. about not getting any suggestions to deal with your MIL..

Here goes mine ..

I totally agree with you on the " sophisticated taunting " ! It is quite irritating.. Ok.. What she did in the past needs to be left as a bygone.

NOW is what you need to concentrate.. I hope by now, you know how your MIL would behave at any given minute..

When you know she is about to blow her trumpet.. SMILE !!! Say ,
Oh, Yes ! Amazing ! NOD big time !!

Is she repeating it again in another 5 mins ? Switch off your mind from what she is talking.. GAPE at her ! Look confused , twitch your eyebrows and say OK.. ! Turn your concentration to your baby ..

Does she go on about her Daughter ? Listen for a few seconds and START YOUR OWN CONVERSATION ! Say anything under the sun ! :)

Turn around and fondle your baby !

You dont have to always talk back to people smart when you know they are taunting you, a simple body language will be all enough !

Maybe the person wouldnt understand your expressions.. But, YOU WOULD ! Makes you feel, you have cared less and not wasted much time listening to bullies !

Ashritha, as far as the talks are self praising, praising daughter and daughter's saree.. Behave cluless ! But, never keep quite when anything is been told about your parents.. They neednt be victimised for just nothing. But assume your MIL hasnt spoken anything bad since the time she has been here, about your parents.. if so, we could deal with that. Else, just ignore that part.

Take care..