Discuss How to deal with greedy Sister-in-law, on IndusLadies. How to deal with greedy Sister-in-law - Share and discuss about your relationship with In-laws - Mother in-law, Sister in-law, Father in-law, Brother in-law and more....
I am rally worried about my sister-in-laws behavior in my family. She is staying with her family in my in-laws house and takes all helps from them only. She uses all items in home. Whenever I go to in-laws house I feel why I came here..All things has to happen with her wish. Being elder daughter-in-law I cannot take a single decision at home. in fact she so smart she never allow me to do anything according to my wish... She and her husband always want us get nice gifts always... I cannot express what all she uses....!! She keeps her Refrigerator in my in-laws house and electricity bill should be paid by my in-laws. Everybody is uncomfortable including my in-laws[As they tell in front of me..Not sure they really mean it or they just acting like that to make me feel fine. ] but nobody dares to tell that. This is going from all most 10 years... So have you ever come through such situation? How can we deal with such people.
I have similar setup for my SIL in my ILs house....
Thankfully am not living in that house... thats the only thing I can do about it.....
Believe me.. she either has backup of ur FIL or ur MIL.. else no one can do it and dare not mention anything to any1 including your DH.... mine used to say same for my SIL only to confirm if I liked this setup or no..... and guess what as a DIL u really dont have any option!!!! say No Issues.
She sends me trashy gifts and expects trillion $ gift in exchange and anything she doesn't like she doesn't mind making a mention of it in public. Also you have no right to express anything abu her gift cos they're best.
They're v well off.. but i guess its got to do with upbringing.
First, your SIL staying with her parents shouldnt be bothering you so much.. you dont live with your inlaws you say.. so there is no problem behind your back 24/7 !
There are issues, when you visit them only.. How about just handling them and leaving it at that ?
Let her do what she wants.. What decisions are you talking about that an elder DIL " must " be taking in a house ? I dont understand. Could you elaborate ?
When your inlaws are not able to tell their daughter that she needs to manage few utility bills at their place, then there is nothing much you can do here !
Where is your husband amidst all this chaos ? Doesnt he have anything to say, when his parents are financially burdened ?
OR, is it that, you folks are paying for all the utilites indirectly, meaning the money you give to you inlaws , for their expense is being used for utilites ? Even if it is so, there is nothing much you can do, Shubha. Once you give the money to them, it is theirs.
End of the day, most of the parents wouldnt feel their kiddos are a burden.. So, though they may crib, they would simply not mind doing it forever ! So, do not interfere and stay out of what they do..It will backfire on you, if you said anything !
The moment you see such people, the immediate reaction would be to blame them...but what we have to understand is..that kindof behaviour is being accepted so its been repeated....if your inlaws and husband dont have any problem with your SILs stay/taking up her financial burden, you really have no say in all this ...
Remember it only hurts you and upsets you when you go there, not all the time right??? so try ignoring as much as you can....its your husband and inlaws who have to feel that pressure..if tehy are not feeling the pinch, then let it go...
As Preethi said...for parents/brothers...sisters are never a burden....so they want to give them the maximum comfort..sometimes even at the expense of their own comfort....
so please stop resenting your SIL, start ignoring whats happening your inlaws house..atleast you would be content....
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What u get take it with a smile !!! & What u give make sure that is the best u can do !!!
I agree with Drpreethi's comments. From your post, it looks like you do not stay with in-laws but only visit them once in a while. So it does not directly affect your day to day living, so why bother?
Your SIL is a daughter to your in-laws, so obviously they indulge her a lot even after she is married. She is definitely taking advantage of her parents by making them spend on her and even keeping her fridge in their house, but they will never do anything about it because at the end of the day, she is their darling daughter. Your trying to say something about it would only cause a rift between you, your husband and your IL's.
Hence better to just ignore it though I can understand how irritating it must be for you to keep looking at all this everytime you visit them.
You say this has been going on for 10 years, hence it is going to be all the more difficult for you to say any comments against her.
You are the DIL but she is their daughter - so no wonder when you are there, she wants to show that she has control over all decisions. As long as you are affected directly in any decisions, why trouble yourself over it. Sometimes just ignoring her stupid behavior will make you much happier, just stick to your work and don't give her any pretence when you are at their home. When you make it known that you are getting upset by the way she behaves, she would be more than happy to do it again and again. Remember all SIL's are irritating, it is up to us to control our emotions and behave nicely for the sake of our own peace of mind and happy marriage.
A small compromise right, and an easy one, so think over it. All the best!
I don't see why it is your concern at all. The arrangement is entirely between your SIL and her parents. With regard to your gifts - if you feel it is too much, you can cut back on it. That is entirely between you and DH. Do not lose sleep over your SIL staying at her parents place. discussing this will only bring unwanted politics and more tension for you.
I am rally worried about my sister-in-laws behavior in my family. She is staying with her family in my in-laws house and takes all helps from them only. She uses all items in home. Whenever I go to in-laws house I feel why I came here..All things has to happen with her wish. Being elder daughter-in-law I cannot take a single decision at home. in fact she so smart she never allow me to do anything according to my wish...
So what if you are the elder DIL? Does it give you any special rights? Why do you want to take decisions in SOMEONE ELSE'S home? You be the boss in YOUR house and let your PILs/SIL decide who will be the boss in THEIR home.
SIL "uses all items in home"? Well... she LIVES in the house, so, of course, she is going to use the household items. If she has paid for the fridge, then where else is she supposed to keep it except in the home where she is living? Is she supposed to keep the fridge on the streets? I am sure your PILs are using the fridge, too, since it is in THEIR house. So, what? Do they want to use it but stick the electricity bill to their daughter?
What is your real problem? That she is staying with her parents? It is really none of your business as you are not living with them. If she lives there, then it is HER home, too. And a daughter has every right to live with her parents. Wouldn't you love to live with your own parents, too? Your SIL does not need YOUR permission to live in her parents' home.
If it really bothers you, then ask your PILs to move in with you. If you want to flaunt your elder DIL title and expect the rights that go with being the older DIL, then take the responsibility that comes with the title, too, such as living with, and taking care of, your in-laws. You cannot demand the rights without assuming the responsibilities, too. You REALLY cannot live separately, but, then throw around your 'elder DIL' title, and demand special privileges & rights in SOMEONE ELSE'S house, simply because you are married to their first son.
Don't give gifts if you don't feel like it. But to answer your question as to how you can "deal with her" living in your in-laws' home and using the items in their house - well, you deal with it by minding your own business. Your SIL's life and your PILs' affairs are NONE of your concern.
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Last edited by Malyatha; 3rd November 2009 at 09:49 PM.
Thanks for the comments.. Definatly I am lucky that I am not staying with them, so it affects me only when I go there. Regarding elder DIL thing....I really understand my responsibilities...Whenever I go there I try to do as much as I can... But what I feel is being Mother-in-law , U have responsibility to teach what family rituals and in what they believe. There are so many things needs to carried out in family by descenders. I have seen my mothrer when my Bhabi came to my house she told all about our family and how we perform Pooja like this...your FIL loves to eat this. We go to such temple or perform such pooja every year. And my mother always makes sure my Bhabi should learn eveything so that when my mother is not there my Bhabi should be capable of handling things... But in case of my mother-in-law she never shares anything with me...Every pooja all things has to happen from SIL and SIL ensures it..Even though I show interest in learning it my SIL tells I will do that..As she is elder I have to listen to her. So I feel what I am doing here....?? Regarding decisions...there might be very simple decision like making some food. If I feel I should cook some nice food and serve to my IL, she always rejects such thing.... That's why whenever my IL visit my home I always serve whatever I tried new. My FIL enjoys and give comments if he does not like. Believe me if my IL praise me anytime, she will comment like even she can do that..what big in that...It hurts me... I feel after marriage you should look after your home rather than interfering in mothers home. I would like to share one thing here to tell how she indirectly affects me..: My baby shower[Godhbarai] happed in 9th month and after 2 days my Son born. I was stressed so much. I was requesting her that will perform in 7th Month ,so that even I can enjoy it...She was so reluctant and made me to accept whatever she feels. I feel you love your daughter as much as you want but do not forget your responsibility towards DIL and Son. Only her children are not your grandchildren my Son too is urs... But for this my SIL never allows..She influences so much... Anyway as you all said it is happening from 10 years , so I have to stop expecting from them ...That’s yet..
So what if you are the elder DIL? Does it give you any special rights? Why do you want to take decisions in SOMEONE ELSE'S home?
For this reply..::
I think after my marriage my IL house is mine and I am member of it. Its not SOMEONE ELSE'S home , its my home too.....and I mean it...
elder DIL--> My mother in law always tells you are elder DIL of this home..So your should do everything....Should take care of everybody but while taking descitions and when getting some thing I am not elder DIL..???Those rights r only for SIL.....????
Preethi
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