How to deal with greedy Sister-in-law

Hi ! a comment regarding 2 things you mentioned .

Originally Posted by shubamr

I feel after marriage you should look after your home rather than interfering in mothers home.

Ok, i guess this is a totally individual outlook. For most of the ladies here and for me personally, married doesnt imply cut ties with your own family. They are still part of what we are and we have every right to them just like our siblings have. As long as parents hold the same view, it never becomes interfering. also there is no rule that says daughters should not live with parents after marriage. If the husband and wife has no issues in having parents of the wife living with them it should not be a issue socially. Here in your case the daughter& family is living with the parents and as loong as the parties inviolved have no problem why should it be an issue to anybody else? if your husband had other brothers and they lived with your inlaws, would it have been the same situation for you?
If you have a daughter, would you write her off after shes married and not allow her to come home to you if there was such a need in her life?

Originally Posted by shubamr

Thanks for the comments..

But what I feel is being Mother-in-law , U have responsibility to teach what family rituals and in what they believe. There are so many things needs to carried out in family by descenders. I have seen my mothrer when my Bhabi came to my house she told all about our family and how we perform Pooja like this...your FIL loves to eat this.
We go to such temple or perform such pooja every year. And my mother always makes sure my Bhabi should learn eveything so that when my mother is not there my Bhabi should be capable of handling things...

But in case of my mother-in-law she never shares anything with me...Every pooja all things has to happen from SIL and SIL ensures it..Even though I show interest in learning it my SIL tells I will do that..As she is elder I have to listen to her.
So I feel what I am doing here....??

Each person is differnt. realise that. just because your mum/you prefer the daughter inlaws to do things the way the husbands family is used to, some people are not that particular. i understand the concern about telling each others likes and dislikes and it makes you feel involved, but some families are not that way. Maybe they are not so particular about customs being followed, so they are lax about passing it on.

yes, your MIL might keep saying you need to do things and take care of things and you whole heartedly think of ILs home as your own, but as long as you are not living there day in and out, there is a limit to how much you can be involved and i agree its upto the ILs also to change the limits.

Maybe, couldbe, they feel how uncomfortable you are with the setup they have at home with your SIL & them and that makes them vary about talking to you or sharing with you more about their situations. As to them saying/showing to you that they are not so keen on this setup, dont believe it. if they really had a problem, they would have acted on it. Maybe they like having their daughter & family at home.. there are many people who like joint family and this might be what they also prefer.

The only thing you can do about this is the demands made on you and your husband by them for gifts. you need to put your foot down and make your intentions clear. As long as you dont do that, then arent you sailing in the same boat you think your ILs are? ie, suffer something you dont like?

regarding the controversy over :
Originally Posted by shubamr
I feel after marriage you should look after your home rather than interfering in mothers home.

Ok for ppl who veto above.. should not have double standards.
What to do about MILs who cannot cut their umblical ties with their own daughter but expects from DIL to severe all ties with her parents? Also infulences/ forces their son to never be nice to his ILs and abuse them?

In my setting when ILs have readily accomodated DD & SonIL then why cant they allow a space for my DH in my family... not in terms of even staying with them but just to be respectful for them...
Straight reason being she wants everybody to worship her (Hitler) .

Recently a site was launched for MILs who're abused... where 1 MIL wanted govt to declare a rule that no gal shud be allowed to talk to her parents more than once a month.. so when i replied to her that what if same MIL attends 3 calls from her daughter everyday!!!! The moderator never uploaded that post.

Shubha,

Lotusgirl is right.. Just because your mommy has some virtues, you cannot expect that from your MIL.. :) That is naive ..

Yes, she may say as a DIL she wants you to do everything.. and she may mean it too ! But, she pretty well knows what a nosy thing her daughter is as well ! That is exactly why you havent written anything about - Your MIL making life miserable for you !

About your SIL, first of all she is older to you and she is the daughter of the house.. So, while she has been doing many things in that house , suddenly letting go off all that will be like ripping off something out of that lady ..

About cooking, as you have already found a solution.. do what you please in your house when your ILs visit you ! If SIL comments that she can do it too, simply hand over the next course of cooking to her !! See, by feeling so humilated and defending herself, she simply feels way too low infront of you ! She feels, and knows you are quite good at many things and can handle household chores easily ! She is just covering up for all that inferiority and putting you down ! JUST PLAY ALONG !

Dont get to a fist fight with someone " WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVE YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB " .. It would simply mean, You Disagree ! Not wise at all..

You do all religious worships at your house.. Learn everything from your MIL and follow everything promptly at your place.. Does the place really matter ? OR is it the rituals ?? Think.

SHubha, finally just because we follow a thought process and we were taught by our parents' to follow some ways in life, doesnt mean that is the truth to everyone ! Let us say, your MIL / SIL tells you, what you followed is wrong, now just do what we say ! Would you like it ? No I suppose.
Because you have been brought up in a different environment.

It is just family based thought process and the circumstance we grow up in, nothing is universal truth !

Just because you are the eldest DIL, doesnt mean people should suddenly change their routine because you are visiting. They neednt have to do that just as you dont have to do anything to yours ..

ABout the baby shower.. it was your mistake for not having stood up and made sure you had the function in the 7th month.. You let go off
2 months and she had her way ! Why did you want them to throw it for you ? You could have discussed with your husband and had one for you in the 7th month. What was your hubby doing when his wife was being stressed out for a function 2 days before she went to labour ??? Didnt he understand ? You cannot blame your SIL, Shubha .. What about your hubby who had to say NO !! What about you who had to say a BIG NO !
You allow her to make decisions and dont learn to say NO, then why complain ? Few things you can let go, but when it comes to something so IMPORTANT, You must learn to say NO !

Just because we are married, doesnt mean we cut ties with our parents nor we need to accept our inlaws as OUR PARENTS.. :) It is always better to leave relationships as they are.

It is lovely that we consider our MIL's house as ours.. But, expecting them to follow what we do.. is very disappointing.. to US !

Take care and be smart to handle her tantrums the next time you visit her !!

Hey Preeti....

Thanks ...for the reply..
Well said.....I will try ur tips and do agree with you....

Thanks You everybody giving other views in my problem.....

Bye....

hi!!shubhamr
iknow how u feel...ils r always diplomatic..the same rules wont apply to ur sil.look,stop behaving like agood and obedient dil...wen u try to b good and they dont let u to b good...wats the use?go to ur ils like a guest...talk normal things ...dont b exited or anything..and return to ur home.
regarding the gifts ...pack all the gifts given to u by ur sil in new packing..and return her one by one..

Originally Posted by shubamr

I feel after marriage you should look after your home rather than interfering in mothers home..

What makes you think that a daughter has NO rights in her mother's home after her marriage? It is such thinking that keeps our society where it is, and especially anti-women. A daughter has the EXACT same rights in her mother's home that a son has. A son is not a special being with a halo around his head, while a daughter is nothing. Just get that thought out of your mind. How would YOU feel if your mother treated your brother like a 'special delivery from Heaven', while treating you like a non-entity?? Your husband has no more rights on his parents than his sister has. She is her brother's equal.

If your MIL and SIL have made the JOINT decision to live together, and your FIL & her DH have no issues with it, then it is none of your business. You don't have any rights to dictate who your in-laws can, and cannot, live with.

Originally Posted by shubamr

For this reply..::
I think after my marriage my IL house is mine and I am member of it. Its not SOMEONE ELSE'S home , its my home too.....and I mean it...

No, it is not YOUR house, unless you LIVE there. Vacate your current home and move in with your in-laws. THEN, it becomes YOUR home. If you don't live there, then it is NOT your home. You cannot expect to be the boss of a home that you don't live in on a daily basis, or share in the work / finances / difficulties of running it day-to-day. Your SIL lives in that house, so it is HER house. Not YOURS.

Originally Posted by shubamr

elder DIL--> My mother in law always tells you are elder DIL of this home..So your should do everything....Should take care of everybody but while taking descitions and when getting some thing I am not elder DIL..???Those rights r only for SIL.....????

Are you taking care of the PILs on a daily basis by living with them? No, you are not. Your SIL is living with her parents and taking care of them. So any rights that you MAY have had, by virtue of being the elder DIL (who lives with her in-laws), have passed on to your SIL, who lives with her parents and assumes complete care of them.

Yes, you have every right to stand up for yourself and to deal with SIL assertively if she tries to interfere in YOUR affairs, but, you cannot interfere in her dealings / relationship with HER parents, even if you are the older DIL. Also, you cannot expect your MIL to relate to her DD in the same way that your mother relates to you or you would relate to your own DD. You simply cannot thrust YOUR opinions and values on someone else.

As lotusgirl asked, would you kick your own daughter out of your life / home as soon as she gets married, telling your daughter that after her marriage, your home is not her home? How would you have felt if your brother's wife had come here and wrote about you here in the manner that you wrote about your husband's sister in the first post?

Finally, if your MIL says that you have to take care of everyone, then tell her that you would, and ask if can move in with them. That should shut her up in a hurry.

I second Preethi, Malyatha and others here..

Remember, Grass on the other side is always greener!

If your PILs were teaching you everything other thing (will mean they expect you to follow) and giving you more and more responsibilities + having high expectations from you that suffocates you (read 'you' as any 'women'), you will be here asking ladies on how to deal with that suffocation?.. Seriously Shuba, that is the last thing you would want.

How long do you stay at your PIL's place? number of days / weeks in a year?? It is 'their' house so let them live their lives as they wish.. Common Shuba, It is your SIL who lives with your PILs all year, shouldering all the responsibilites taking care of the elders, etc. Why should she go backstage when you are visiting them and let you take control of the house? Would you let your SIL do everything as she wishes against your ways of doing things when she is visiting your place? Consider yourself as a visitor while visiting them.. meaning be yourself but dont expect things to turn your way once you land there.. Treat and take care of your PIL's the way you want in your place. that will surely be good enough for a 'Elder' DIL! BTW, do you support your PIL's financially on a monthly basis? Do you know what all your SIL and her DH are contributing to that house? just curious!

If I were you, I would not expect any one to consider my ways or my choice at 'their' place. Ofcourse I would be disappointed if I were to cook something special and I am denied a chance.. but I would happily wash my hands off, reserve my wishes for the days when PILs visit my place and I will save all my efforts for the days my PILS visit me so I can be pamper them as much as I want.

Originally Posted by arthidiva

If your PILs were teaching you everything other thing (will mean they expect you to follow) and giving you more and more responsibilities + having high expectations from you that suffocates you (read 'you' as any 'women'), you will be here asking ladies on how to deal with that suffocation?.. Seriously Shuba, that is the last thing you would want.

Well said, Arthidiva! Yes, some PILs are damned if they do and damned if they don't. They are either suffocating or they are indifferent! Poor PILs who cannot seem to do ANYTHING right (per some SNILs & DILs).

Nice nice comments......

Regarding my house: See even if there is problem in switch board or some problem with electric appliance in IL's home my DH or my brother in law has to take care. If any one of my PIL hospitalized ,no matter how difficult it is for me , I have to rush and stay with them in Hospital, my husband has to finance for everything in home.. For all responsibilities we are resposible as we both are earning and eldest in home....!!! but that is not our house...aree wa....this is not fair.....DIL has equal rights in IL's house....and it is her home....

I have told greedy...Probably i did not put all things in words...I would like to share 2 instances here..
1. Once my SIL family visited to my place...My Son was around 7 month old and he was hitting keyboard very hardly...U know what my SIL husband commented .."Hey ur both parents are working..they have enough money to buy new one, hit beta hit..."... So they think we both are earning so we have more money...The way he told as if he was not happy that we are staying happyly..

2. Once I visited to my IL's house. My SIL's son wanted cycle. So for evrything they use to tell "Mami will buy a nice cycle for u...." while drinking milk,having his meals, brushing his tearh....every time...That young boy use to come to me and use to ask u will buy na....If it is 2 or 3 times to convince her son is fine..But it went on telling whole week...So I told husband right now I want to buy a cycle for him and bought for him.. Can't they buy things for their children as well..? is it our responsibility to buy...If we willingly buying its fine yaar..But u are forcing us...U know whenever that little boy picks my call , he will be having big list for me to bring....Whenevr i visit I buy whatever i feel I can rest I tell next time...

Are we earning for my SIL's family as well...??? All expediture they put on my IL's and keep their money in FD's...Hey its your life yaar...why somebody elese should finance you....You both too earning and expecting us to help u in financially..???

I never had feeling that somebody should finance us for any thing fooding clothing...But I can not force my feeling on somebody ....


You know how smart is my SIL, she always tells my MIL that ur DIL wont call at all..And many times it has happened that my SIL takes call and tell MIL is outside and will inform her once she is back....And after long time I call and ask my MIL I had called u..that time SIL tells I forgot only to tell her.......Becz of such silly acts I feel why she not minds her business.....Am I wrong here..? is it right thing she is doing..??

You know in my Godhabarai she forced me to wear a saree gifted by her...which I did not liked at all...I just do not wanted to give return answers on that day I just wore it....I know how much I cried when I returned to my Mother's home....

Regarding my DH , he do not want to hurt his DS at any cost...even if I die also its fine with him I feel...

Deffinatly I did not post my concern here to check that whether my IL's house is really mine...I just wanted know how can we handle. There might be ladies who has undergone such things. Just wanted suggetion , had not intetions to heart any SIL.........

Probably as Shilpa told its in bringing up..so very little we can do here...We should look more in + part that I am not dealing with her daily.

I feel only such lady can understand who has faced such things. nobody is aginst here regarding SIL rights here. They are dear DH of their parents however they are bad to their DIL...Personally I am not against any of her right as well.....

Whenever I mention abt my SIL my mother tells ..Give beta....Let u be in condition of giving and let she be in condition of expecting allways

There is one saying in Kannnada
"Kottiddu kettitenbeda, kattitta butti sarvadnya"
Meaning: Never repent watever you give...It just you are storing them......it will return to you in multifolds....

Whever I feel bad about my SIL, I say above proverb and cool myself....ha ha ha........[ I can not do anything other then that...]

Thanks everybody...
Take care...
Bye For Now....

Originally Posted by shubamr

For all responsibilities we are resposible as we both are earning and eldest in home....!!! but that is not our house...aree wa....this is not fair.....DIL has equal rights in IL's house....and it is her home....

Shubha,

All this "fighting for DIL's rights" sounds like those Saas-Bahu serials... just kidding.

No one in your family said that DIL(you) dont have equal rights in the family.So, let us just focus on the issue in hand.

To summarize - from what you have said, your SIL seems manipulative, greedy and jealous of you and your DH (since both of you are earning).

Ok.. fine!!So, what do you want to do next?
Do you want to talk about this to your SIL and ask her to move out from your PIL's place? If you want, you can go ahead and do that. But since no one else has a problem with your SIL, dont expect anyone to support you. Rather, you will be isolated for doing this.

But before you do that, weigh in the pros and cons.

Remember, if you are asking her to go away, you will be hated and isolated by everyone in the family(including your DH) for doing that. If you do this,be prepared to face allegations like - you tried to cause a rift between in-laws and SIL, your are a cunning DIL who tried to throw out your SIL out of her maternal home etc etc.

My question is - Is the current situation affecting you so badly that it calls for such measures??? I mean, you are not even staying with your PILs and SIL.So, why make an issue of it? Just let it be!!!!

As of now, there seems to be peace in the family. Though there may be small frictions here and there, overall things are peaceful. So, why not let things be the way it is now.

About your SIL's comments to annoy you talk back addressing the point if required. If she is demanding gifts - just dont yield to it no matter what. Nobody can force you to give gifts if you take a stand that you will not buy any gifts for them. They may resort to teasing and may resort to techniques like making kids ask for gifts - Just dont yield to it.
For eg: The next time she sends her kids to you and make them ask you to get gifts, just tell them gently " Beta, your daddy and mommy are going to buy the gift for you".