please help - maintaining Job and marriage life

Hi ILites,
I 'm married for 6years
I've done my M.Com., M.Phil.,M.B.A.,(etc..)
I left my job b'cos I got married
after that I got a kid and now he is U.K.G(5 yrs)
my problem is that my hubby neither allows me for a job nor says u need not go for a job.
I really dont know what to do
If I discuss this topic, then it ends up in a big choas.
my in-laws r with me. I've got good relationship with them
i think my hubby scares whether someone may say something
He is a software engineer earns much
we've no other problems & he said lame excuses last academic yr itself
and cut off 4 schools where I got job(he wanted me to apply for schools even though I'm qualified to teach in colleges)
my doubt here is that why these people r so narrow minded?
Is a job only for money?
Isnt there any deviation?
I feel I've got some loan (studies)
In my teaching job we've to repay it back to students
I was grown up in a place where my father never let me any waste time for any other deviation (I did 2 courses at the same time)
I've finished type, shorthand, computers, etc.,
I'm a sportsperson too.
he gave me the confidence that I can get placed in any type of job
but after my marriage I feel my confidence level is totally zero.
at the same time my hubby arranged me to do my M.B.A (he pays the fee)
We've own house & no pikkals at all
I feel depressed & dont know what to do?
pls help

well you are lucky in many aspects vinnyvishy
understanding in laws
nice husband and lovley child
No financial problems
I know you are very much qualified and most eligible person to work.i am working too.and i dont think i work just for money thats a part of it as i can enjoy my financial freedom.But ya sometimes i feel after studying for 20-25 years should people sit home just because you are women?No.But even my DH says when there is no need for you to work wht do you want to?he also gives me a senti statement that he hates me doing all hardwork and getting tierd after 12 hrs of work each day.
i asked him to gime reason why should'nt I .As i am equally qualified as he is .I am an engineer and he too.i had toput all the hardwork to get my scores like he did.And i am good at somethings rather than cooking and other jobs usually women do .So i epxlained him all pros and cons and he still dont find it easy But yeah we have lots of things that wont match.Try asking him what exactly is the reason
1)is he over possesive that he dont want you to interact with college going guys
2)he hates you doing hardwork?
3) male ego of thinking only husband shoudl work
3)thinks you may change after you start earning your money and disrespect him
4) feels you should take care or of his parents and your kid
or some xyz reason
see if it is really genuine
i belive this is 1 life and we should do what we want to .sometimes our kids parents inlaws dh someone needs us badly and eitherways we have to quit during that time.so i guess when we can do we should go forward

Thankx Lavii
thank u for answering me
my main problem is that i really fear whether I'll spoil my wonderful life
thinking abt job
I control myself that I've got a nice husband he never suspects me for any reason
the only problem is that he has got male ego(that every male has)
he gives me pocket money I've got a full freed life
I think of all those above and say myself job is unnecessary
but if got insulted ( he's a much reserved person)
then I feel that I'm fooled
if I go to a job, then I need not be depending on him
I'd have a deviation & I need not be seeing his mouth when he'd utter a word
In this situation, I dont know whether I should emphasise abt going to job or not (would it be pestering? ) or atleast now after 6 years should I say him abt my own wish? pls help (I'm a tamil girl) u know abt our restrictions
anyway thank u so much for the helping hand
-vinnyvishy

Just get a job and GO!!. why are you waiting for his approval. You find a nice job in a nearby college and tell him after you get the job. And also see if you could balance everything home, kid & inlaws. I believe your inlaws will be helpful and support you. Tell them the value of education. Then you should be fine. I'm a tamilian too. I hate the restrictions. Just come out of your cage.

vinnyvishy,

I advise ,just take the job and go.Is your husband has any sisters?
After a while,he will get used for it,if not then you need think about it later.
I think you need prepare really some hard words to use on him(like some emotional words to use on him and let you go for job).
Do you have girl or boy.If it is girl,ask him is that not he wanted his daugther to work?If you in-laws are good,then you should take there support to work on this .

All the best.

I dont belv y males are made like this. That too they are sent too India. I think only Indian mentality is like this. My dh is like urs. He is not going to understand u. Though u can try talk to him polietly or u can approach ur ILs for this so that they can convince him.

My dh want me to go for job but he has his own norms. Though i fight with him for his mentality n male ego (putting norms/rules). I made my mind to not to go for job n sit peacefully at home. Before marriage I worked for 4yrs, i know how much competition, politics n hassle in our job. I used to talk to my mom abt all in office, she used to calm down me. I know my dh is not going to make me comfortable at home when i m back from office. He has his own issues starting with food, snacks ( after office), wanting me whenver he feels like (dont understand urgency of my work in office).I thought i wasnt able to meet any of expectations in life wither dh or office. So i left job JUST FOR MY PEACE OF MIND. Now he want me to join back as he is feeling financial pressure now.

PLZ DONT CONSIDER MY ADVISE AS THESE DAYS MY NOODLES OF BRAIN NOT IN PLACE.

Hi Vinny,
I m a lecturer by profession. But I resigned my job because of a dispute with the management.
Coming to my family life, my husband is very caring want to treat me like a queen and my inlaws are also very supportive. No one interfere in my decision regarding job. Before marriage(arranged), I said my husband that i will work and he too accepted and said that is your choice.
After marriage he made me to complete MPhil and i continued my profession, I got little problems in my workplace as others get. My husband stand besides me to come over all the problem. It get worst when I was insulted by the management, then my husband ask to quit that job and to take rest for somedays and to continue again. But I refused. I dont want to work ( because of that bad experience). He said I am with you, you do whatever you want. You should be happy. But I while thinking of wasting my knowledge, I decided to take tutions.
Coming to your problem your husband helped you inyour education, So he is not egoistic that you should not be more educated than him. So the point ego goes out.
Women going to job is good. But that should be decided according to the family situation. Your husband might be afraid that you may face problems in your life if you work.
Tell him about your ambitions in life. Discuss him about what he thinks regarding women going to a job. You can also tell your wish to your inlaws because they are supportive. Ask them to convince their son, this may workout if your DH thought them as problem.
But never have ego in life. Husband is the only who is going to be withus till end. IF he is caring and affectionate in all other things, better hear his advice in this thing.
I shared my story, just to tell you that we need our Dh support in each and every thing and they too.
Afterall give and take is happiest thing in life

Sorry for long post

Thank u so much Quincy, Priya16, omnam & meerajesh59
For posting replies for my problem
I’ve got a 5 yrs old sweet boy. He understands me a lot
U’ll not believe that he’ll not touch my craft things (I do fashion jewellery, designing sarees for myself & my sils)
I cannot sit simply at home. I feel rusty.
If I’m writing my assignments, he’ll never disturb me at all.
My problem here is that I think my husband fears that his parents may say something
My inlaws r supportive, but I don’t think they’ll let their son down.
If I ask him abt my job, then the max word he uses is that, did I ever tell u that I’ll send u to job at the time of marriage?? (what is this, is this some sort of legal agreement or what)
After marriage, he told me let us have a child & after that u may go to job.
If u go to job now, then everybody will question me for sending a pregnant lady for a job
I felt that is correct ( & got convinced anyway I was doing my M.B.A)
After my son going to school, I asked him let us go for the next issue, this is the right time
At that time, he said our son is not healthy, let him grow, we’ll wait for some more time
From that time onwards, till now he started to complain that I’m unable to raise a healthy kid
The only problem with my son is that he’s skinny(my hubby’s stout)
My son now is 5 years old & this yr when I asked abt my going to job & now he says let us go for the next issue, this is the right time. Now also, my son is skinny. I just now feel I’m being fooled.
With this point of complaining abt my son, he has been cheating me for the past 5 yrs. So now I’ve made up my mind, we’ll be having only one son (I’ll surely not let him know)
I think a lady must have a deviation for herself. Next comes the salary part
Just watching serials / gossiping abt neighbor is not a girls full day work (I don’t watch serials).
I don’t have any money issues. But while getting insulted just like that, I don’t like that
Anyway, these mils don’t want us to enter into their kitchen, then why do they get their sons married??
Just for spoiling our lives??
Sorry for a very long post.
--vinnyvishy