Cooking Issues

Dear Friends,
I have been married for 5 years now and my relationship with my in-laws are reasonably good.
I have few things to be raised though. I find her very lazy or commanding in a nice way i am not sure. She does not interfere in any of our personal matters but when it comes to cooking she puts everything on top of me.
I am thankful that i do not live with her on a daily basis but i am expecting them again in 2 months, and the thought itself is so frightening.
Recently she visited me in UK after my daughter was born and my FIL joined after a month. She waits for me to do everything in the kitchen, but she will be ordering me things to do. She is a nice cook and takes care of FIL well when they are staying in india but whenever they stay with us she expects me to do everything in their style. To put it staraight i can call myself a “Samyalkari”.
She will wait for me to put coffee both morning and evening. ( i had a 4 month old baby when she was from april to june and one must know it is difficult to catch sleep with young babies around) she will be in kitchen, you can say monitoring what i am doing. She will ask me have you given coffee to both appa and your husband?
Not only coffee, everything right from breakfast, to another chai, to lunch, to evening coffee to dinner. I must say, she expects me to take the plate of FIL once he finishes. She has not said it though but when cleaning the table, i have seen many times she never takes her husband’s plate. It is a hidden command for me to understand that i must take it.
I make sure that i do everything in a smile on my face most of the time and i do it mainly because, i have heard so many of friends in UK and USA having a bitter relation with inlaws. But now i think i over did it by being genuinely nice to her.
How do i handle her next time?
The best solution is to work, i know , i am in search of a job. Any solution to solve permanently, i mean without spoiling the relationship, friends?

Sreejitha,
you seem to have very good in laws when compared to lot others.the only problem you have is at cooking and only when they come to you like you siad.think about it ..i guess its a very small thing and adjusting comes into picture here.i know when she came there to help you with baby she should have taken care of things .but some people are like that where if they know the next person can handle or take responsibily they try to ignore their jobs and enjoy.i am not sure about her age here .if she is old may be she thinks its nice time she can have break ..or sometimes they find difficult when they come to a differnt place with different kitchen environments and may not feel comfortable in cooking or helping.anyways overall i felt you have a beautiful mil and try adjusting for 2 months ..removing your fils plate and all is very small things as you know .so what ever you have been doing do the same .

Sreejitha,

I think she's trying to be a mentor to you in cooking. She very well knows that you are your DH's world now and wants to ensure that he DS is getting pampered / taken care of the same way as before. So she's basically training you to do things her way - try to incorporate the good/things that you like recipes/way of doing certain things from her and make sure that she understands that - like you can appreciate the things that you like abt her.

Each and every person is unique, you'll naturally feel like doing somethings in a differnt way,unlike her . Casually and politely suggest her of your ways next time and proceed doing that .

Originally Posted by Sreejitha

I make sure that i do everything in a smile on my face most of the time and i do it mainly because, i have heard so many of friends in UK and USA having a bitter relation with inlaws. But now i think i over did it by being genuinely nice to her.
How do i handle her next time?

You have your answer in your post itself Sreejitha. Just put up a smile and get done with it and move on. Fortunately for you, your ma-in-law is not the kind we see in some other posts here. She obviously belongs to the generation that thinks husbands have an entitlement to good/timely food from the wife and is conditioned to think that way! Trying to change her ways is going to be futile and may only lead to unnecessary mis-understandings in a relationship that is otherwise good, right?

To give her the benefit of the doubt, she probably is scared to cook in your kitchen for fear of interfering in your set-up (I know some girls do not like it if the ma-in-law cooks and feel they take over the kitchen), but still feels you 'need' the guidance to be able to provide your husband with what she thinks is necessary! One way to deal with this could be, just casually ask her to cook something for you! You could say "ma, andha sabji pannele, adhu panni thaangolen, or "panna solli thangolen"... something like that. I am sure she'd feel very flattered and start helping you out in the kitchen. If not, it's okay! Just never let the smile that you have now vanish!

Easy to tackle honey. Just put on a genuine smile and say in front of your FIL and husband - Amma, You make that dish so very well. Your son keeps saying that he wants to eat it. Make it for us please. Simple...all this tricks will work wonders. Just smile and ask her to do stuff..thats all. The fact that she is not helping you could be some mundane reason girl..unless you ask her to take charge, how will you know?

Hmm....i too have come across this situation. 0When I was pregnant (@ end of 6 th month) my MIL came. I thought she will take care of me, by taking charge of the kitchen. But unfortunately that did not worked, though she has taken charge only in rearranging my kitchen shelves. Later I end up in doing things on my own but in MIL style(u know how painful it is..)....
So after my son joined us, i totally left kitchen to her choice. I 'll eat wot she prepares. Sometimes it will not fill my stomach, or I need one particular dish more(but she might have prepared less or she will intend to say that she prepared it for FIL)...never mind....I ate to my stomach full(feeding moms know how hungry they would be..)
coming to you, next time if she comes, just say her that you are not healthy enough to stand for long time in the kitchen. Just prepare one dish and ask her to prepare other side dishes......
Make sure that once you all finish your meal, you are first one to go and pre-do the dishwasher....and tell her in sweet & normal tone...also add some sugary words ....to bring the plates to the dishwasher....(make sure that you are not commanding but pleasingly asking for help)....
Also never give/get/ suggest opinion or kitchen tips from her.....
Also ask ur DH never to comment(good or bad ) duirng meal time....
Instead of doing work all by yourslef.....ask for help(in a good tone) and help yourself.....but the trick here is u need to be silent in gving feedbacks and voice urself when needed.....
Good luck!!!

Thank you everyone. Yes, i do know that i am not in that much problem like others. Like Lavii said, she is not willing to take any responsibility at home but why demand it from me, when she can do it. But one thing, she is just 55 and very very active. I can do everything but atleast she can take care of her own coffee in the mornings and evenings.
I am not a morning coffee person, so can put hers by not expecting from as soon as i get up from my bed. She waits in the evening for me to put exactly at 4pm sayiing "coffee kudikandama?" meaning is it not time for having coffee? Just do not understand why she cannot put her for herself. I will be happy to do it if she is not alright or something.
This happens even when i stay in my inlaws place. She somehow makes sure that i am inside the kitchen most of the time.
Till date i have not said anything, but i feel i cannot go on like this espcially the coffee buisness. I love cooking, so i kind of enjoy preparing the full course food without any complains.
In my mind i always want to see please help yourself amma, but i fear t might put her off, if i say so. Knowng her nature for 5 years and the way she indirectly commands me to take care of the house.
It's like doning evrything for me, cleaning house, toilet, dishes (no dshwasher) washing machine, clothes folding. I know everyone does this when u stay abroad, but it irritates you when someone behind keeps telling you what to do next like a tme machine.
She does extends her hand quite a bit but i want her to be little more considerate towards me.
I genuinely thank each one of you for the reply

I know how irritating that can get. My MIL was also with me when my daughter was just 9 months old for about 2 months. At the end of those 2 months I got so tired and frustated trying to meet her expectations. So I made a decision that when she comes this time, I will make time for myself also instead of blindly trying to please her all the time. That way I will feel less resentful towards her.

What I would suggest is, make your DH make coffee for his mom and dad in the mornings atleast. When they are watching TV or something, give vegetables to your MIL to cut. Or otherwise handover your daughter to them for sometime and take a break. I know it is not that easy to be on one's toes all the time with a toddler in tow.

hi Iladies
Its the same in every house
These mils expect us to clean the sink, cut the vegetables & then invite them to samayal (is this some sort of vijay tv's kitchen killadigal???)
After inviting her, I should not leave the kitchen, I should be standing beside her & do whenever she asks for turmeric powder I should take it & give it to her. when she's done with that I've to replace the box)
this is known as a typical edupadi in tamil(pachai dhrogam)
If I leave her alone in the kitchen, then she'll do all the mess
even my son cleans up his toys better than her.
I've been married since 6 yrs
after their samayal is over once again we've to clean up the kitchen
if we dont enter the kitchen, then she'll also not enter
If I go, then she rushes as if she's ready to enter. It's just like 2 children fighting for the same doll/toy
in case we complain to my DH, then the answer is
" U've to surrender urself in this matter"
I really dont know where it'll end
--vinnyvishy

Hi all...here am facing a different kind of issue....my MIL is never known to cook so well, shez a moderate one no probs with that too...now that she is here to help me she cooks but you know its really horrible...still i dont open my mouth as im thankful that she cooks something...but now she waits till i come to kitchen and asks what to prep...if i say something she says she does not know and asks me how to cook...am not asking her for restaurant kinda dishes its as simple as rasam and cabbage poriyal...she behaves as though shez a new bride who does not know cooking and waiting to take instructions from her MIL which is me....i find it quite annoying when she says she does not know how to keep rasam ...
how can ppl lie upfront like this...so i end up doing the cooking, taking care of kid and other cleaning stuff...also even if she cooks she cooks one kuzhambu(curry) and rest i've to do as she will not know how to do...and even that kuzhambu will be for just the lunch and again in the evening i've to prepare....donno how to deal with this situation and if anyone have faced this kind of situation at all...