in-laws are causing big problems

Hello everyone,
i need your advice!!

i am engaged and in a longdistance relationship. I live in Spain and my fiance in USA. Me and my fiance have a really good relationship, the only - but very big problem - are his parents!! They interfere in almost everything. My fiance and I only get to see each other twice in a year. And when we hang out his mom keeps calling him on his cellphone almost every two hours. Which is realy annoying. And his dad is the one who actually wants ta take all the decision in our relationship. And all his parents care about is money. They have already told me many times to send my resumees to the companys in the states, so that right after we get married, I can start to work and bring money home! I was pissed when they said so. I mean after all, I will give up everything, to move to the states to marry my fiance. How can they then even put that much extra pressure on me?
Well about two weeks something really big happenend. Me and my fiance had a big argument. And while he was talking to me on the phone his mom heard somehow our conversation and how we were arguing. So later that day his dad called me on my work number to give me a lecture how I dare to talk like that to his son....and if I again dare to talk to him like that he wants the engagement ring back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My FIL said that to me on the phone. I was so shocked and pissed the same time how he could say something like that and why he is again interfering. When I saked him if he actually know why and wat we had the argument about, he couldn´t give me any answer. So I politely told him please not to interfere then, cause it is something between me and my fiance... My FIL got really mad and started to give a lecture that I have no manners and all that...and that I don´t to come for marriage now! So after that phone call I called my fiance, he said he was not at home, when his dad called me. nd when I asked him to talk to his dad..he said since he was not there, he doesn´t need to solve it. I have to do it by myself. I think he is scared to talk to his dad and tell him to not interfere in our personal matters since he also couldn´t do it in the past.

Wha do you think guy`s? Did I do anything wrong? And how shall I deal with his parents in the future ? I really want to marry my fiance, because we love each other a lot. But how I can bring him to stand up for me and take my side in front of his parents. I mean after marriage a wife should come first, right? and should not be the third wheel.... please help me!!!!!! Thank you.

If I were you i would have told FIL/MIL not to interfere in our personnel matter. Whatever suggestions/lectures they want to give they can always give it to their SON not me. If FIL still continues to give lectures i would disconnect the phone and will not answer any of their call in future.

Secondly i would have one on one discussion with TO BE husband. I would have told him that I do not like his parents dominating me like this and I want him to solve our personal matters and not his parents. I would see if he improves else i might even rethink of marrying such person and into such family.

What do you think guy`s? Did I do anything wrong? And how shall I deal with his parents in the future ? I really want to marry my fiance, because we love each other a lot. But how I can bring him to stand up for me and take my side in front of his parents. I mean after marriage a wife should come first, right? and should not be the third wheel.... please help me!!!!!! Thank you.


You didnt do anything wrong.

I faced the same situation after marriage. Me and DH were fighting inside the bedroom with doors closed.My inlaws heard that vaguely and first thing in the morning they called me aside and reprimanded me for raising my voice against their precious son. I bluntly told "Please dont interfere in our bedroom matters, if I cant talk my heart in the bedroom then where/to whom will I vent.I will yell at him today and hug him tomm, its our business" they were very angry and havent questioned me about our affairs till today. but they spoke to DH and called me mannerless, disrespectful, adamant, bad upbringing etc. Which I totally ignored.

So what I am trying to say is, You have to fight your battles.
Dont expect your fiance to support you or defend you. Unless you are really really really lucky, it wont happen.

If they are interfering too much, tell them firmly to back off and if it dosent stop, you stop talking to them. But your fiance surely will to listen to their sob story most probably. So just listening them vent is ok as far as he does not take all their ideas about you in his mind and starts fighting and creating problems for you.

But surely have a talk about boundaries with him. Because problems during courting will mostly likely be enhanced rather than subdued after marriage...

Since they will be more threatened by the wife, they will surely act out. So please grab this opportunity and have a serious talk and get him to promise you that he will not make your relationship a topic of discussion with his parents.

Lina, you have to be prepared for a tough time ahead if you really want to get married as you love this guy... courtship can also be a time to identify any obvious troubles that will be inevitable post marriage....
If your DH is unable to grow a spine by the time ur married and into his house... then only ILs will rule. You're def not wrong from whatever is written here... however your ILs are still in over protective & problem solving mode for your finace... which will never end.
Now for petty arguments they want engagement ring back & later they'll require their son back!!!! Over dominating ILs have a strong art of lying in order to prove their point.. and hence brainwashing their son against his wife.
No amount of setting boundaries helps in reality when it comes to moma+son love.. so you have to accept this intrusion... for the time they're around.

I had a similar situation as mlk described. My inlaws heard me and dh having a semi-arguement in our bedroom (door closed!) and my mil burst through the bedroom door and tried to hit me. My dh literally had to pick her up and carry her out of the room. After that she proceeded to walk around our living room beating her chest with her fists SCREAMING 'my son! my son! how dare that nasty woman talk back to my son!'.

If this is how your inlaws are interfering now, it's only going to get worse. Your fiance should have had a talk with his parents after you told him how they called you up and mentioned taking the engagement ring back. They over stepped their boundaries by even calling to lecture you. A fight between you and your fiance is none of their business.

You need to have a serious talk with your fiance about what level of interference from his parents you will tolerate. Make it clear you don't want it and that if it crosses the line again, you will expect him to put a stop to it. Afterall, you can TRY to stop them yourself, but I think that rarely works. If your inlaws respected you enough to listen when you say 'stop', well then, they wouldn't be interfering in the first place. People who are rude enough to interfere and talk badly to you at the drop of a hat, are not going to suddenly take your word as law and back off just because you said so. They'll just simmer for a little while and bounce back. That's why I'm a firm believer in getting a spouse to handle their OWN parents. If a wife's parents were causing problems, I would tell her the same thing. That is just my opinion.

Doing NOTHING often means A LOT. What I mean by that is, when a son or daughter sits quietly and lets their parents abuse their spouse, it sends a message. And that message is, 'I think your behavior is acceptable. Go ahead. Keep doing it, I won't stop you.' That is why anytime a spouse doesn't step in to stop abuse from the outside world, it is always a red flag.

Dear Lina,Most of the "interferences" you mentioned might be taken in the spirit of "doling out advice" EXCEPT for the one where your FIL interefered in a fight between you both, and that too without even knowing the details... PILs are supposed to support and encourage a harmonious relationship between a couple and NOT take sides....If your inlaws have any kind of problem with a fight between the two of you, they should be talking to your fiance and NOT to you!!! So, make it clear to your fiance that you will not tolerate interference... I mean, my FIL does give me advice on getting projects or jobs or about kitchen stuff or about getting gifts to people, I listen and if possible do what he says otherwise explain and let go.. And although extremely rare, it has happened that I have banged doors, and shouted and created a huge ruckus, and my FIL will only tell my husband to be a better husband but never tell me how to behave!!! He would tell my DH that since I am doing so much for him, he should tolerate the fact that I'm sensitive and emotional!!! It is better to clarify these things before marriage or you'll find yourself going through this a lot more times... Please do discuss with your fiance in a tactful manner and ask him to direct the queries to himself and not to you!!!Keep smiling Harini

hey lina,

Congratulations on your engagement.

I would suggest not to ignore your in laws right now. This is the right time to let them know that you wouldnt let them control your life by interfering in all matters. Its very common to have arguments and misunderstandings with your fiance and it is going to only get more and more after you guys get married. Experts also feel that having small fights and arguments with your spouse is a sign of a good relationship. You guys might argue and reconcile in a moment.Imagine dealing with in laws everytime if they keep interfering.

I let it happen in my case. My MIL blasted me over the phone before our wedding because me and my dh had decided that i work here after wedding and so we went ahead and filed for my H1B. Unfortunately my H1 got denied and i am still at home much to her happiness but she was so furious at me that i had taken a decision with him jointly before marraige and she didnt know about it before hand. Unfortunately my dh was not very supportive when i let him know that his mom behaved like that to me and all he said was she must have been in a bad mood and she just vented out to me. Even today i feel i should have given that incident a second thought. It was very clear what a kind of lady she was and how my dh was scared to talk back to her. Maybe it would have helped me change my mind about the decision to get married to him!!!!!!!!!!!! thankfully he is a lot more understanding now but she has done and said enough hurtful things worth a lifetime.

Originally Posted by Lina05

So later that day his dad called me on my work number to give me a lecture how I dare to talk like that to his son....and if I again dare to talk to him like that he wants the engagement ring back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My FIL said that to me on the phone. I was so shocked and pissed the same time how he could say something like that and why he is again interfering.

Lina

I hate to say this...but pls make things clear even before marrying your love. Really if a FIL/MIL can involve to an extent where they want to break the engagement just at the drop of a hat, I guess after marriage it would be more worse and its like a battle b/w you and them....which is not good...

Atleast you already know the signals now...its tough to make a decision at this time when someone says think it over..but PLEASE DO...take time...postpone the wedding...figure out what your husband wants to say about all this...really these are the clues and signals which you pickedup luckily even before the wedding...

Your husband has to talk to his parents and make it clear not to communicate anything with you directly. If they have a problem, they can communicate through him. Make these issues clear even before getting into his marriage...You would save a lot of heart burn later.good luck

cant u just shout hullo hullllllllooooooooooooo few times and hang up? Do it a few times and blame the phone.

Originally Posted by lalit06

cant u just shout hullo hullllllllooooooooooooo few times and hang up? Do it a few times and blame the phone.

Lalit06... thats a good suggestion!!! Linu take it up for all future rude conversation!!

Dear Linu.... you were right in your place but beware of this kind of interference.... you are in a delicate situation now... just play low... but after marriage.. make sure you draw nice neat and clean lines between parental advice and personal interference with your future in-laws...
BUT..... Darling always remember that they are your DH parents so treat them with that little extra concern...
all the best

K