Nice co-sis but negative words?!

Yeah, I know I am a great one to talk about negative people... I think that a few deep breaths should take care of the effect of negative people!!! But !!! here goes my very long story... Please be patient!!!

Let me clarify!!! My co-sis is a good person, I have absolutely nothing against her, but oh God, why is she so difficult to live with !!!!

My co-sis (42 years old) has a PhD in botany - but still only a lecturer because she focussed more on home, nice, helpful, down to earth, homely lady, 2 kids - DD10 and DS3, cooks well, not a good organizer or planner, not very focussed, no knowledge of anything other than botany.

She was here for a week along with family (my DH's brother, she, kids and my 85 year old FIL who stayed with them for 2 months to complete some of his documents and papers!) They came to drop my FIL here and spend a few days. In these 2 months, we moved to a new house to be closer to my DS5's new school.

Every single move of mine was monitored.... I know how she is and had cleaned out my house, rearranged the master bedroom as FIL's room, made about 10 podis ready so that cooking is easier (Thanx to Chitvish!)... She came home, first thing she said was the floor is sticky!! Doesnt the maid servant clean properly... The vessels are not wiped properly, there's dust under the exercise cycle's wheels!!! Why the hell didnt I clean under that oh god... I knew this would happen!!!!

She said at least 4 times in the 6 days they stayed here that the floor was sticky - BTW, it is not sticky... they didnt mention even a single time that I, with my sciatica, had singlehandedly moved the master beds to the guest room and the guest room furniture to master bed so that FIL will have the attached toilet. They didn't once mention that I had his numerous pens with different colour refills in various boxes, papers for his correspondence and his favourite writing prop ready in the new house and new room... I spent 20 days in preparation of this.

Ok she is the older co-sis, but that doesnt make her my MIL !!! Every time I would serve FIL, she would say dont serve that, he wont eat that much, he will leave half the food on the plate... etc... of course my FIL proved her wrong everytime, so why does she have to make a fool of herself...

I would finish all the cooking before 6 am so that i can spend more time with them and so she doesn't have to do anything at all and also so that she wont have the chance to comment when I am cooking, she would still say things like gas is getting over (they've come and gone, the gas is still working very well and is much faster than hers!), how can this much rice be enough (rice was always left over!!), why you put hing in tadka when you fry onions (what !?!?!?!?!), you shouldnt mash capsicum in a curry (what about pavbhaji?!?!), this chapathi atta wont be enough (there were 10 chapatis leftover and everyone was fighting for the curry which had the tadka with onions and hing and the mashed capsicums)!!!

When my BIL went on serving one podi with idli i said, hey you like it... and she immediately said - no the chutney was too sour to be eaten with idli, it can be eaten with rice, thats why he is serving so much podi... when the same happened the 4th day, and my BIL served the podi so many times, he asked how to make it, only then, she tasted it and said, yeah it is good!!!

Yeah, I noticed that she commented negative things when her husband (my BIL) or my DH was around and later tell me that she liked the dish very much...

When the kids and FIL were sleeping, we four of us were sitting and chatting, she said "among the people here, I am the best cook!!!" and then she looked at both DH and BIL as if to challenge her... my BIL was looking quite shocked and my DH was ignoring and looking at the TV... so I said... "yeah even my dear husband cannot cook like how my mother cooks" and my BIL continued with "ha ha your DH can only put everything in the cooker" and I said " no no, he can also burn vegetables in a pan" and we sidelined her statement... but how arrogant can you get!!! if she had said she cooks well, i would have not objected, but if she says "among the people here", she is insulting me, am i right?

The worst part was - we had gone on a day trip, her DD10 fell sick and when we reached home my FIL was falling apart, her DD10, my DS5 and her DS3 were tired, cranky and we reach home at 8 30 p.m. to find my sister has sent dinner in boxes fit for my FIL's special needs and tastes and for the kids... it was a huge favour, she didnt have to do it, very generous of my sister, it was a relief not to get stuck in traffic, waiting for waiters in strange restaurants to serve outside food to sick people... We all had the dinner, it was enough even for me and co-sis, only the men had to go out to pack something to eat!!! And she says - your sister has put on weight no?!?!

Not one word to thank her, they saw her many times after that, my FIL specifically phoned and thanked her personally but not a single word from my co-sis or even my BIL... their daughter was sick, their son cranky and hungry they could have even thanked her later... NOT once.. she only says - she has put on weight!!! why negative statements when there are so many chances at positive stuff..

It is not personal against me too, They had gone to a wedding and the bride and groom are known to me, so i asked how are they - means - are they happy, are they smiling, did they have fun during the wedding etc... She answers... oh the guy looks too old for the girl... i said, yeah the girl is cute, so you would feel the guy is older, she says i dont think the girl is cute, the girl is fat and looked tired!!! Ha!! She doesnt know them well at all, she doesnt need to comment bad about them...

but it makes her feel good thats why she comments bad!!! Why does it make her feel good to comment only bad stuff about them...

My sister's daughter 7 years old had visited us when they were here, so I made her and my DS5 to sing a slokam for grandpa (FIL)... From the second they started the GangaStotram, till they finished it, both my co-sis and my BIL were shouting at their DD10 that "why do you not know this song, why do you not attend music classes properly, why you dont give importance to anything in life, you are useless, will never amount to anything.. blah blah... " they didnt hear a single word of the slokam ... i was thinking, they could have heard the song, and said to their DD10, "wow the kids sing so well, would you like to sing a song from your music class? " that would have really motivated her to attend the classes regularly!!! I feel really sorry for her DD10, I consider her my daughter so I want the best for her... what can i do?

My co-sis is a loving woman somewhere under her insecurities and negativities! She is a fun person under her ego and the need to control ... Can I help her find that person? Please give me ideas!!!

Before I got married, she used to take care of FIL.... she got lots of praises from her husband about her care... After FIL fell sick about 7 years back, I have been taking care of all medical needs for the past 6 years after my marriage, now everyone talks only about me.... That I am much more sweeter and patient and better understand the medical requirements and nutrition (she feels bad because she is the botany expert and i am an engineer, so she should be called the expert as botany is somewhat related to nutrition.. but fact is she really has zero knowledge about nutrition!! and not organized/planned enough to take care of all the requirements)

Even if comparisons come up between me and her, at least she should say nice things about other people...

Our neighbours asked her "do you like your city or our city" she said " anyday my city" she could have been more diplomatic... i was so embarrased... she could have said something like "the markets are good here, but home is where the heart is" or "job opportunities are good in your city" or anything good... why no diplomacy?

How can I help!!!?!?!?!?! I want to build a good relationship because she is a nice lady, and I love her daughter!!! Do I teach her to be diplomatic? Will she accept her fault or will she have too much pride to listen to me???

Oh I really need help!!! It has been 6 years of marriage and it is really getting tough to tolerate her negative comments when she is around.

Another story, My SIL is almost 60 (large age gap between the brothers and SIL) and stays in their city... SIL had gone to co-sis house for some work and saw that co-sis is giving tamboolams (gifts to married woman) to 5 women. Co-sis said I packed one tamboolam for Harini, can you send it...she said ok and still was not offered a tamboolam... then later she looked around, saw the time and said, "I have only given to 4 women, i have one more to go, there is nobody else, so will you accept one?!?!?!?!?! " I mean how rude can you get!!!... SIL is physically there, SIL is an elderly lady, SIL is the first one you should give any gift, she should have been invited first!!, SIL is in the same city and she thinks of everyone else, and says, you are my last resort, so please accept the gift... Ha!!! Why is she so undiplomatic... other times, she welcomes SIL and even oils her hair if she has headache... why is the speech bad??

How do I help her see that she is spoiling all her relationships?!?!

 

Also, she constantly says how difficult it was for her to do PhD in botany when married and pregnant and till her DD was 1 year old!! She never saw her daughter for the first one year (her words, I was not there!). Her mom and our late MIL took care of her....

But when I was doing my MBA with FIL's operation and my job and DS2, she said - oh, just pay 2000Rs, they will give you good marks... I know how MBA guys get marks!!! What!?!?!?!?!?

OK I am much younger than her and lets think that she is jealous of me, so she has the right to insult me, right!!! But read further!!!

My SIL (60 years - she is a school teacher with 2 grown kids) did PhD in a language, and received the best PhD award last year, my co-sis welcomed SIL home with her favourite dishes, and then tells my FIL , "oh... doing a PhD in a language, any fool can do, doing PhD in botany is very difficult!!!" My FIL innocently believed her and was telling me about it... I said, wont you even support your own daughter ...

But she says that about her own sister too.... she said, "my sister studied history in her graduation, she is a fool and stupid... " Oh please, if botany was so enlightening, there should be more trees on the planet!!!

And her sister's husband is famous all over his city for getting kids into IIT for maths, he has a PhD in maths... and my dear co-sis says... my BIL is an idiot, I said why, she said, he should have studied science!!! Please what is this about i am the greatest person on earth and all others are fools?!?!?! Is it superiority or inferiority complex...??

Do I tell her that she is not making any friends with her comments? She will not be popular with her students... and her daughter is reaching her teenage, it will be very tough if she is not her daughter's friend!! Oh I wish I could stay at their city so I will be around at least for her daughter's sake!!

 

Omnam, Complaint box is the apt word!!!
Alpa, I have got used to it, once I understood her inferiority complex! I dont let it get to me, and anyway, it is 3-4 weeks a year... but I would really like to help her for her daughter's sake.. With her DS3, she is not so strict, but she hits him several times when he doesnt eat properly...

Mythili, I once did tell my co-sis that her daughter asked me "Take me to the amusement park, I hope mommy doesnt come with us as she will spoil the fun!" And told her all about being friends with your daughter when she is entering her teens.. And she accepted and said yes I may be wrong but I have my own problems... and I'll try to improve... This was 2 years back, yes her son was just 1 and she was working then... Now she is not working, her son is 3 and she is still the same... I have not mentioned it again...

Priya, I do understand her inferiority complex, but her husband constantly sings her praise... non stop... believe me, even in her absence, even if the context doesnt concern her, he will try to insert a sentence on how great his wife is!!! When he introduces himself in a business scenario, he announces his wife's name (Dr. so and so) in his profile statement... she has a doctorate, she is good wife, good daughter, good DIL, good mother (except for the words!) what does she have to feel inferior about....
I think your idea is great... I can try that... I dont feel angry, I just dont understand her.... So your idea might actually work...

 

Thanx all,

You really help put things in perspective.

I would also like to know from Ilites who are practising psychology or related subjects on why she could be like this and how her daughter might be affected!

In this regard, I will mention one more incident! When her son was 1 month old, she got a good job and immediately joined as her mother was looking after the baby. 2nd month, my FIL collapsed, we had to rush to their city, I left my DS2 with my mom, stayed there for a month while he was in ICU and brought him back for an operation at my city and later he was convalescing here...

So, almost one year of her DS was spent at her mother's house, with her working and not meeting any of us, when her DS was almost 1 year old, they came to our place to take back my FIL to their city.

While here, she hit her son when he was not eating... FIL objected and said Harini never hits her son. Thats it!!! Huge blowup... she started screaming that Harini doesnt live in a joint family (only FIL was there, and he has been at my city in the past 1 year!!), everyone listens to her, no one listens to me, her son listens to her, her DH listens to her, so she doesnt need to hit, I have so many things to do.... Then her husband said, hey you dont have any work here, Harini is doing all the work you just have to feed him food and even that you are unable to do, why are you blaming her... blah blah... finally I sent everyone away and just listened to her vent about her life and how I was luckier than her... I listened and let go because I couldnt object, if I had started on my life and problems, well they are different, she wouldnt understand anyway...So, she really thinks I'm better off than her and thats why she cannot make soup and a separate sabji when my FIL is visiting her and she has two cooks, and I have none!

So, is she really disorganized or does she just want everyone to praise her always?

Thanx again.