Me and my in-laws - advice !!!!!!!!!!!

i need advice from ur experience, we are married for 4 years still having problems with in laws. my husband doesn't talk to my family which is in india and i'm forced to talk to my inlaws as they live here.although we don't talk that often but sometimes we do. my husband talks to them everyday. when his family comes over they all talk to each other except talking to me. now they invited me to their house for some pooja . i don't wanna go at all as i feel insulted as no one talks to me there but i don't wanna upset my husband by telling him that.please help me! basically, i'm being selfish i don't want my husband to go either as i know they will say bad stuff abt me. what should i do.

Dear Archna,

I totally understand your feelings. I have faced innumerable problems like you in my 4 years of marriage. And about your being selfish, I can also understand that. For the amount of torture my father-in-law has committed on me and my parents and making my life hell in these 4 years, many a times even I strongly have had feelings like you that my husband should never ever talk to him, but that is not feasible at all. We cannot do that because after all they are his parents and remember that we have come to our husbands' lives only recently. We have to compromise atleast for our good relationship with our husbands, atleast we should not spoil our relations. And about he not talking to your family, we cannot force that because he should feel from within. There is no point in forcing him to talk. That's what I feel from my personal experience.

My advice is therefore, you go to the pooja. Its only a matter of a few hours. Atleast you are very lucky that your in-laws do not stay with you. For me, there is no escape at all, as I have to stay with them day in and day out and there is no choice but to suffer.

Hope you like my advice.

Regards,
Jaya

Hi Jaya,

Very nice response to archna's query. You have crafted your response in a very matured and practical way. While I agree with all your advice, one aspect of your response didn't feel right.

In your response, you indicate that you have no choice but to suffer. How can "endless suffering" be a solution to any problem? Shouldn't there be a way out or atleast a hope for a way out?

I also suffered alot with my in-Laws. I never happy in my 6 years of married life .
Last year i went to India. There they fight with me infront of my parents and my husband also insulted me. Then i taken strong decision .That is I never talk with them.I never tell to my husband anything against my in-laws. If they did wrong also.
I will praise them. They(in-Laws) do always acting. Oscar is also less for them.
Life is a drama. We have to act. So, start acting. Then " maza dekho". U will enjoy.
I don't like this. But we have to live in this world. We have kids aslo. This kind of houses environment is not good for kids. Your husband will also change slowly.
best of luck. My english is poor . After reading your post i couldn't wait to reply....
If U like this or not but do this .U will definitely get success.

Me again. Don't take anything serious. U know laughing therophy. Just do that. If U
got angry.Go to restroom and take a hot bath.If U are not satisfied whatever U wanted to do(scould etc..) do there only and come out with a big smile. I am doing that. Nowadays i am happy. This is not a good way. But we have to satisfy first US.
Actually earlier i am not this kind of person. I always think good of in-Laws and rest. But now first i think about my children after that rest. Due to lot of thinking and all i lost my health. Things will change slowly.

hi friends,

i've been married for 4 yrs. im just sharing my experience. as u people, i too faced so many pblms bcoz of my in-laws. there was mental torture from my in-laws. they treated me as a "jhandhu". at one stage bcoz of the stress, depression, my health was affected and i was hospitalised. then we came out of the joint family. we've just started living our lives.

my husband and his parents are in good relation, but not with me. now a days iam not bothering much abt that. bcoz my husband is very affectionate to me that is enough.

surya.

Dear Archana,
I think almost 90% of women in India face this kind of problems. We are not civilised people socially. The in-laws always complain to thier son about 'his wife'. This makes the man angry at the wife.
You keep your cool and act as if your the ideal bahu during the puja. Do all the work which is possible as if you are helpin them. Keep a smile plastered on your face. Ask you MIL what to do and do that. If whe refuses, say that she should tell what should be done and it is your duty to do what she tells you. Always give more importance to them than is needed and after some time they will feel embarassed. Praise them in front of others. Then they won't have anything to complain about you. Don't even mention to your hubby about your people or his not talking to them. He will love to prolong the behaviour just to irritate you. Act as if nothing has happened. When your people correspond with you, do not pass on any information to hubby. Keep him in dark of all the news about your maika. After some time he will come around.
No need to say that I had been through this. Even after 18 years of living together, my husband behaves in anuncivilsed manner with not only my people but many others. I keep my cool. But now I tell him bluntly about his behaviour when he is in a good mood.
There is no point in saying that we should not bear all these and should fight with them or get separated. What are we going to do after that? Take the popsitive aspects of your hubby always and try to ignore the negatives.
varloo

Originally Posted by varloo

Dear Archana,
I think almost 90% of women in India face this kind of problems. We are not civilised people socially. The in-laws always complain to thier son about 'his wife'. This makes the man angry at the wife.
You keep your cool and act as if your the ideal bahu during the puja. Do all the work which is possible as if you are helpin them. Keep a smile plastered on your face. Ask you MIL what to do and do that. If whe refuses, say that she should tell what should be done and it is your duty to do what she tells you. Always give more importance to them than is needed and after some time they will feel embarassed. Praise them in front of others. Then they won't have anything to complain about you. Don't even mention to your hubby about your people or his not talking to them. He will love to prolong the behaviour just to irritate you. Act as if nothing has happened. When your people correspond with you, do not pass on any information to hubby. Keep him in dark of all the news about your maika. After some time he will come around.
No need to say that I had been through this. Even after 18 years of living together, my husband behaves in anuncivilsed manner with not only my people but many others. I keep my cool. But now I tell him bluntly about his behaviour when he is in a good mood.
There is no point in saying that we should not bear all these and should fight with them or get separated. What are we going to do after that? Take the popsitive aspects of your hubby always and try to ignore the negatives.
varloo

hi all
this is very true varloo dat almost all of us have to suffer in sasural.but can't we get rid of it.is it not the responsibilities of parents to let their children live their lives.but they always interupt in each n every matter.
even my in laws r doing same wd me.in this modern age also is it good on our side dat we can't do anything coz it will affect our relation wd our husband.and its like we have to wd our husband .nothing can we do.i m fully agreed that we can't do anything. we have to live in this hell.
but sometime i feel dat we shd start to make a group who r facing this problem and then we have to do some thing.so dat the inlaws can understand dat their dil and her parents also have respect.in my case my parents always gave and even giving respect to my inlaws but they never satisfied.and on the other hand my in laws themselves r not giving respect to my parents.but i can't do anything.
even after marriage my health is not keeping good(sometimes like fit coz these thoughts r always in my mind and i m very sensitive) and my in laws said that how can we say these fits could b happen before my marriage also.
i don't know what to do but i can only wish we people could do something....
sonia

Originally Posted by ARCHNA

i need advice from ur experience, we are married for 4 years still having problems with in laws. my husband doesn't talk to my family which is in india and i'm forced to talk to my inlaws as they live here.although we don't talk that often but sometimes we do. my husband talks to them everyday. when his family comes over they all talk to each other except talking to me. now they invited me to their house for some pooja . i don't wanna go at all as i feel insulted as no one talks to me there but i don't wanna upset my husband by telling him that.please help me! basically, i'm being selfish i don't want my husband to go either as i know they will say bad stuff abt me. what should i do.

hi archana
i m one other victim of inlaws exploitation.acc. to my experience i will just say don't let ur husband alone in these guys.coz in my case my mil always says bad words about me to my husband whanever she gets a chance.and it worked on my husband (i.e. that day fight bwn us).i don't know about u.but i can say u shd go to puja dat way u can b good in ur husband's eye.like others said DIKHAWA KARO AAJ KAL USI KA JAMANA HAI CHAHE ACHA LAGE YA NAHI.
hope i m not giving wrong suggestion.

sonia

Dear Archna,

this is one problem that is gonna be there always. for how long are u gonna take it in ur head and spoil ur life. U take it seriously then ur hubby also would be serious about it- u let it cool and he would also do it.

just ignore - u must attend the pooja. never let ur hubby go alone and that would become a routine and u would feel all the more isolated, nervous, worried, once he starts his trip to his house alone. take it as any other invitation for pooja. don't worry too much dear!!! Life is so uncertain and we never know what would happen next, we don't even know how long we would live in this planet, so let's live life to the fullest instead of wasting on worrying about othrs actions, etc. Think beyond ur family & in-laws and try to balance urself.

Now u are married to him and u have all the right to be with him, think that way and pls do attend all functions as couples.

how long can ur MIL spoil ur image - don't let that come between you. I've had worst experiences than this and today I could stand against all odds only by my actions. while meeting such people all I do is shut my mouth and keep my eyes and ears open. Never talk back, do whatever u are suppose to do, never complain about her to him (after all his own Mother and u'll never get his support on this); make him realise that his Mom is doing wrong, only by ur actions and not by complaining or throwing tantrums. He'll turn around soon.

U might have to struggle a little but the result will be worth it. U don't have to go out of way to do things whatever u can u pls help them. You have ur kids around so keep urself occupied with them if u don't wanna talk to anyone.

Pls think about ur life ahead and not how to entangle urself into situations with ur in-laws.