Joint family - Devrani Jethani relationship

Hi Friends,

Just wondering how you ladies have handled ur relations with your devrani. am living in joint family and really passing through a tough time at home.

My home has converted to a place of high politcs since the day my SIL has come. These are two brothers.

I really did my best to maintain gud terms with her since her arrival to family but she didn't show any interest in me or DH. She will behave okay types before inlaws and since 3 months doing lot of buttering of MIL but not great work actually. She boost alot. Sleeps for 3 hours daily and still she is a favourite of my MIL. I come to office, do many other things in the morning except breakfast and upon reaching back without a break i start cooking the compelte dinner myself. Take care of my kiddo, DH. I feel dead tired end of the day (( still my MIL changed and doesn't say any word. To the extent that even if am ill i have to cook dinner and if she has slightest problem like headache she will be in her room all the time and MIL will cook on her behalf in morning but MIL doesn't comes for any help to me nor she even ask...anything as courtesy...

Devrani just concentrates on inlaws and is too curt and rude to us in their absence. I never felt so alone as living stranger within the family. They had love marriage mine is arranged..

Somehow for last few months the picture of my family totally changed. MY SIL BIL seems to be knowing everyting abt inlaws and inlaws abt them and we stood separate as we are paying guests...

MY MIL completely supports my devrani though i do equal work at home even after coming from office.

Few says devrani jethani relation never work except if they live separately...pls share ur suggestions and guidance.

Even all this home politcs done by my SIL has started effecting my relationship with DH...he says he can't so much abt it

Take care,
working mom

Hello everyone, I thought many of you would relate to my situation and share your guidance and experiences..

Feeling a bit sad today

Honestly, I don't know how you can do anything without confronting her. You have too...either with your m-i-l or your devrani.

Yes, I do think that staying apart will help out, as everyone needs their space, be it physically or emotionally. It's ok to adjust for a few months, but not long term. You can stay with your parents-in-laws but not brothers or even sisters-in-laws.

Talking things out will help resolve differences.

All the best.

Hi,

Read your message and felt sad :(

I somehow believe that the joint family system is not appropriate in today's circumstances.

Is there some way you and your family (husband and kid) can stay alone - somewhere close by may be?

Or may be you could go to your parents' place for a month or so. Its summer time and your kid might have vacation too. Things could change when you are away - they might realize your worth / your perspective to the situation might change / your MIL will realize that ur SIL is indeed not an efficient home-maker like you are!!

Time is the best healer.
Your SIL may be jealous that you are working / financially independent and is trying to get attention through other means. But you dont have to give up. In fact, the best thing to have happened to you under the current circumstances is that you are working / not with them 24 hours a day!!

I have not experienced this to the extent you are describing ( to some extent, yes), but I can very well understand your situation. I have seen this happening to some other ladies in my family and I think moving away (even for sometime) can sometimes help.

In Tamil, we have a saying "Dushataarai Kandaal Doora Vilagu" meaning "Move Far Away from Dusht Log" !!!

What is DH by the way, referring to your message below?

Cheers and all the best :)

Originally Posted by workingmom

Hi Friends,

Just wondering how you ladies have handled ur relations with your devrani. am living in joint family and really passing through a tough time at home.

My home has converted to a place of high politcs since the day my SIL has come. These are two brothers.

I really did my best to maintain gud terms with her since her arrival to family but she didn't show any interest in me or DH. She will behave okay types before inlaws and since 3 months doing lot of buttering of MIL but not great work actually. She boost alot. Sleeps for 3 hours daily and still she is a favourite of my MIL. I come to office, do many other things in the morning except breakfast and upon reaching back without a break i start cooking the compelte dinner myself. Take care of my kiddo, DH. I feel dead tired end of the day (( still my MIL changed and doesn't say any word. To the extent that even if am ill i have to cook dinner and if she has slightest problem like headache she will be in her room all the time and MIL will cook on her behalf in morning but MIL doesn't comes for any help to me nor she even ask...anything as courtesy...

Devrani just concentrates on inlaws and is too curt and rude to us in their absence. I never felt so alone as living stranger within the family. They had love marriage mine is arranged..

Somehow for last few months the picture of my family totally changed. MY SIL BIL seems to be knowing everyting abt inlaws and inlaws abt them and we stood separate as we are paying guests...

MY MIL completely supports my devrani though i do equal work at home even after coming from office.

Few says devrani jethani relation never work except if they live separately...pls share ur suggestions and guidance.

Even all this home politcs done by my SIL has started effecting my relationship with DH...he says he can't so much abt it

Take care,
working mom

Dear Workingmom,

Having been a working mom all my life and being in a joint family for 10 years (among 6 brothers), I can fully understand your feelings.

Being the elder DIL, you just do your work as usual, be pleasant to her and never comment on her actions at all. All said and done, you have been doing all the work alone all these days and why expect some one else to share the work. Never ever feel inferior. We working women are doing double shifts === at home and at office and therefore are much much better than others. Just go about your duty and you will see the results for yourself.

When a new DIL comes into the family, naturally all attention gets diverted to her. Relationship has to be nurtured only with interaction over a period of time. Give each other time to understand each other.

And one important thing is to accept that all people are not the same. Over time, others will realise the different natures you both exhibit and each will get her due.

In office, we meet all sorts of people and interact only with those who are nice to us. The others, we just avoid -- same way do it at home also.

If you can, take a break for 10 -15 days and come back. By then people would have realised her nature. Moving away from your family would mean a strain on relationship and may not be reparable.

All said and done Patience is the key. But again if things get out of hand, then a heart to heart talk or confrontation is the utlimate solution.

All the best

Hello, thanks for your sharing your experiences. Yes i think with time they will understand who stands where.

But it is really tough as my MIL stopped the help she used to extend earlier and morever gives me more than her at evening.

Nevermind, I have faith in Sai, I will do my duty to best of my efforts he will surely help me in this tough time.

Thanks for all the support.

Regards,