My mind is slowly killing me. Please help

sandhya303 · May 14, 2009

Hi friends, I write to you today with a lot of hope and expectations that you would make me feel better. Most of you are extremely sensible and I look forward to your replies.

My problem is not big. Its my mind that makes it bigger and its my general anxiety that is making me very restless. I get restless to the point where I can sit all day, without going out or talking to anybody and just thinking. My looks get ruined when I am like that and these days I am going through this phase. Friends meet me and tell me I am looking tired and sick.

Now I'll try and explain my problems in the shortest possible manner. I am married since 5 yrs and live in US, no kids yet and ttcing.I am a housewife and have too much time on my hands. Hubby and I belong to different states in India. We had a love come arranged marriage and my in-laws werent too happy about it as my hubby was younger bro and not of marriageble age, but he convinced them. We had a lot of small small tiffs, between his parents and I, over the phone in the past, but bcoz of the distance nothing major happened. My BIL got married and he too lives in US and his wife is very unaccomodating bcoz of which my in-laws have mellowed down majorly.

About my husband- He is a very understanding, sensible, extremely caring person. He is reasonable and balances between his family and me. He loves me a lot and puts up with a lot of my craziness.In short he's pretty much the best husband in the world for me.
He understands that I dont get along well with his parents, esp mom and he totally knows why and never questions me. Same with my BIL, who's wife hates my MIL.
I dont want to elaborate on my MIL's nature as it will not take us anywhere. She is Okay. Sometimes nice and sometimes bad.I have a good relation with her now and we speak once every month or two months, which is fine with her and with me.

Now when I went to India sometime back this is what happened. I want you to please tell me if I am imagining too much, getting offended and psyched for no reason?
I would like to tell you friends, that I would be happier if in my mind, my MIL seems nice and not a monster or evil. Yes, even tho my husband is great, I still want to believe that my MIL is nice as well as only that gives me my peace of mind.

When I went to India, it was for a month. I'd been there 10 months back with my husband and this trip was only to parents place. Last time too we stayed almost half and half at parents and in-laws place together.

Here is what happened that is making me restless and taking away all my peace. I have been really nice to my in-laws in the past 2 yrs, I stay with them when we visit even when its not expected of me, bring gifts for them and am generally sweet to them so my expectations could have been raised as well. I reached India. I did not call her immediately, not even before I left. I called her 5 days after reaching. Hubby had called to say I am going to India and if they wanted anything. I took gifts for them on my own even tho they didnt ask. I took a handbag and face cream, a shirt for my FIL and some pics of all of us.

I called FIL 5 days after reaching and MIL had gone out. I told FIL abt the stuff I need to send and their complete address. MIL did not call me back. I sent the stuff some 14 days after I reached and she recd it but did not call me instead called her son to inform she got it. Mine was an exact one month trip.

I felt bad ke why she didnt call me. Next, my parents called her while I was away and she informed them abt my FIL's bad health. He was also due for a minor operation sometime later.
After that a couple of days later my MIL called me to inform me abt something that she was going to send for me..some herbs for me. She spoke to me nicely and asked me how to use the cream I had sent. Didnt say thanks or anything.

Next she sent the herbs, I recd them but did not call to inform and she only called to ask if I got them. My dad picked the phone and she asked and then it looked like as soon as dad said he got them she hung up.
Dad told me to call her back when I came home and I did and she spoke nicely but I think she felt bad about me not informing her that I recd the herbs.
She said a few things that I felt bad about like when I said I missed my hubby she was like then why did u leave him and come etc..typical MIL stuff..also I told her how come she did not call me when she got my gifts and if she did not like them and she said , you sent so of course I will like etc...and said all thru my trip she only called me and I didnt call her, mock complaining kind of..then I asked if my husband calls her and she said, then woh bhi call nai kare? but nothing in anger...everything seemed mock anger..when I replied ke aap ulta matlab lete ho hamesha she said..nai you are like my daughter and I love u just as much as I love my son and tum abhi tak samjheen nahin kya humko etc...

Overall the call wasnt rude or anything. All in all the number of times she called me was 2 and I called when she wasnt there once and once my parents called in the one month span.
Now my question is what you think of this entire situation? Was she being mean by not calling me as soon as she got the gifts. Do you think shes a mean person or is not thankful for what I give her? Do you think she should have called me more often or I should have called her more often?

I must add that they are not very rich and so sending courier is a big thing for them.Also they have bahu call kare wala ego, which I have noticed..but overall they are nice..when I go there she does not let me do much housework or anything and she does not stop her son from staying with my parents as well on india trips. She does not expect financial help from us and when I visit india alone she does not expect me to visit her town.

I see parents who come from India and do raj here in their sons houses for 6 months to a year at a time, but my in-laws are clearly not expecting anything of that sort nor is my husband and BIL guilty for not having them here every summer (like many do) or sending money...so except for minor irritants no major problems as such.so far.TOUCHWOOD. In the future we dont know what happens but so far so good. Its been very peaceful on that front.

My mind is a beast on the other hand. Its my biggest enemy and it is slowly destroying my life. I know within.. that I have it good..but still worry and think and want things to be oh so perfect.

All I really want from you friends is some advice, some help and to tell me that you too think my MIL isnt all that bad and what she did was more of a cultural or gavaar thing rather than a mean thing.
Please feel free to point out my own mistakes as well. I know this entire message may come across as crazy but I am someone who has a minor mental problem--thinking too much, giving too much importance to irrelevant things and causing trouble, I really need your help.

Thanks and hoping you will help me,
Sandhya

Malyatha · May 14, 2009

I think you are expecting too much. You didn't call her as soon as you landed and that might have upset her. Secondly, she informed your husband that she received the gifts. YES, she should have called you but she didn't ..so what?

Finally, you did the same thing and didn't call her when you received the herbs, and it was she who called to ask your father if you had received her gift. So, IMO, you're both even, Steven!

Let it go. Life is too short to think about small things like this. There are much bigger problems and much more pressing issues, than ruing over who called / didn't call whom and who is in the wrong over personal courtesies.

supraja · May 14, 2009

Hi Sandhya............

Dont thing too much abt the problem... i need to tell you few point's

You Reached India and you have not called her ...... or when you call u inlaws u informed U R FIL but u can again call her talk to her right .......................

she is Not angry on you why bcoz she spoke to nicly iver the phone........ only thing is maight be she felt bad ki that u have not informed her thats it.....

when she have send you gift even you have not called her right ..............

see life is shot dont thing too much for these problem ........... if u even feel bad about that just call her and ask why r u like this say sorry to her that it so happened that u r not able to call her plz dont mind............that's all u r heart will be light and u can get back to u r work ..........

sandhya sorry if anything hurts u ... try to solve the problems rather dont make it a big issue which will go on distrubing u ok...keeep smiling.........

vidhkarthik · May 14, 2009

Sandhya I concur with malyatha completely. You called your MIL 5 days after reaching India. If you ask me, I will definitely say its wrong because you have a normal relationship with her and it is not bad. When the relationship is not bad, You should have called her before. Your MIL has been VERY SWEET by not complaining about this to your husband or you. My MIL would have bought the roof down and righfully so. I would have felt bad if my husband goes to India and does not call my parents within 1-2 days MAX.

Again...You sent the stuff 14 days after you reached. Would you do the same thing for your parents? Would you like it if you had picked some nice stuff for your mom and your husband sends it this late. Again..You are PRETTY LUCKY that your MIL did not complain about that. If you have a bad relationship with her, I can understand this lethargy. Why did you do this when you have a decent relationship with her?

Since you asked me to point out your mistakes...Let me do it.

1. Not calling them for 5 days after reaching India and not calling them when you left. This just shows to them that you do not care at all. They are your husband's parents and they have not been bad to you. So. What you did can be construed hurtful by them.
2. Sending that stuff after 14 days.
3. When your parents called while you were away and your MIL informed that your FIL was in bad health, Is it not your basic responsibility to call her back without waiting or complaining that she didn't call?
4. You want your MIL to say thanks to you after the above? Be thankful she spoke sweetly..My MIL would have chewed by head off and if I did the above things..esp Point 3, I deserved my head to be chewed up.
5. Were you trying to take revenge on your MIL by not calling up and informing her about the herbs package you received? Again Sandhya, When the relationship is decent, these are the small things you HAVE to do to ensure peace and harmony in a family. What would a small phone call cost you dear? She rightfully felt bad about you not informing her.
6. What you mention as typical MIL stuff..She saying why you came to India if you miss your husband this much is typical MOM stuff too. My mom would ask me the very same thing. Theres no need to get all psyched up about so simple a statement.
7. You did not call her and she kept calling you. Thats a fact. Then what was the ulta lete ho aap all about? Ulta nahin...seedha hai. You did not call..Only she kept calling you.
8. You are agreeing that sending a courier for them is difficult and they still did it. So...Did you even realise that and call her when you received it? NO.
9. You mind is really your enemy here. You do the mistakes and then you think bad about her.
10. I do not think what you MIL did was GAVAAR. Thats a very strong word. What you did was wrong sandhya, not what your MIL did.

Finally, Many here would KILL to have a MIL like yours. She lets you stay in your parents place totally, does not take you to task even when you commit judgemental errors like not calling her, no expectations like you have to do the entire housework when you reach India, nor she expects to stay in USA for 6 months continuously in your house or your BIL's house. Do not spoil this by over thinking and over imagining. It will only lead to problems for you.

And yes..If you want a Oh so perfect life, you also do not do any mistakes when it comes to dealing with your ILs. Your dream might come true if you are also reasonable with them.

Aabha · May 14, 2009

sandhya303 said: ↑

thinking too much, giving too much importance to irrelevant things and causing trouble,
Sandhya
Click to expand...

Hi Sandhya
I read your post and realized that you have yourself given the answer to all your anxiety.
I think it was not a big issue and you should be happy for this.Concentrate on good things and focus your mind on some creative work.Keep yourself busy..
You are unnecessarily imposing your mind with unwanted thoughts.If you go through most of the problems faced by other ladies,you will find yours problems to be too minor..
So cheer up!!You can overcome your anxiety and guilt by calling your MIL once in a couple of days..Regular communication will make small tiffs smooth. Its not a ego fight that who will call..All the Best..:thumbsup

asha_karthik · May 14, 2009

totally agree with other girls here.. especially vidhkarthik.

you weren't too perfect to expect anything back from your MIL. your mil is just as nice as she could be.. the best i would say. there are only others who make a big fuss of not calling soon after landing, and they never call or return calls. both of you weren't keen talking to each other and thats understandable. the mock complaints from her side were true too, they weren't wrong. so just leave it there. as you already know, i think you keep thinking abt these when you are at home idle. get yourself involved in some constructive activity and dont waste time thinking of what is not important to you.

Visu2k · May 14, 2009

Very nice and frank, opinions, Vidhkarthik. Could not have said better.

Sandhya, you have an angel in your MIL and a self-respecting one at that. Whatever way she behaved is just a mirror reflection of your own behavior towards her and rightfully so!

roopadadia · May 14, 2009

Vidh, excellent...you wrote my mind.

Sandhya, frankly speaking you don't deserve your MIL.

:bowdown to your DH who never told you to even visit his parents for a couple of days. I think it was your duty, specially when your MIL mentioned that your FIL is not well you should have visited them atleast for a day or 2.

Imagine both sons in US and DILs coming to India and not even visiting them. How will you feel if your SIL did the same to your parents.

Sandhya you have too much time on hand and nothing concrete to do...plese take up some hobby or activity which will keep you busy atleast for 2-3 hrs in a day. Or your mind will rust and very soon you will become a depression patient with the way your mind is working now. I think its working overtime with no positive signs. I hope you know the saying "an idle mind is a devils den"

If you are well off and your ILs not financially that stable then the gifts that you brought are not worth a mention as well as these things we carry even for our friends and relatives so don't boast that you carried gifts for them these were just courtsey gifts, you could have picked up much more meaningful things for them.

Also, if they can't afford the shipping to you, then i am sure then can't affort to call you so often too. So isin't it your duty to call them more often when you were here. If you think your parents would have to pay for those calls you could have called them from a PCO.

Take the above as positive feedback and see that you don't repeat such mistakes again. And quickly try to get engaged in some healthy activites and buck up before your mind slowly starts killing you.

VLR · May 14, 2009

Vidhkarthik:thumbsup excellent points

Sandhya
your MIL & DH are angels..I cannot imagine how my DH would react if I were in your position.
If you expect your ILs to respect you, you should do the same first.
They are your DH's parents , they have been nice to you...and you dont call them before you leave & after you reach India. Thats is a big mistake.Just think.. would you do that if it were your parents and you happened to land in your ILs place first..
IMO these are small issues which could blow into BIG problems.. and it is easy to avoid them in the first place rather than trying to fix them later

regards
Vidya

sunitha · May 14, 2009

Sandhya,right from your first thread,I have been reading your posts and what Vidhkarthik and Roopa have said,I could not have said it better.

You have too much time,staying in a dreamy paradise like place(according to you) and nothing to do! Firstly you were worried that if inlaws come here,they will see this place and want to settle here itself and you were afraid of that..again this was your mind over-working for nothing.
Then you wanted to keep your husband under your control like some of your friends and expected him to bring his parents here only for a mnth and then send them back and you have a wonderful husband who actually dances to all your tunes! Now(actually 10 mnths back,but these things are still in your mind!!!) you went to India and just 'visited' your inlaws and for that too your husband and inlaws agreed..Wow! Lady,you have it all and still want more:hide:.

And now,like action replay,these things are all playing back and forth in your mind since you have nothing else to do..Like others said,pls engage yourself in some meaningful activities before you end up in a depression!
All the best!

If my words were hurtful,I am very sorry for the same,but I just wanted to let you know that it is not always possible to get things done our way all the time.You have been lucky so far...thank God for that!