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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by depressed, Nov 27, 2008.

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  1. Nov 27, 2008 #1
    depressed

    depressed Bronze IL'ite

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    I am writing this mail in desperation. My problems started once I got married. I was a talented and cheerful person once but everything has changed for the worse now. I am having problems with my in laws. I can't even discuss my situation. I am contemplating transfer to another city to get rid of all these problems. Can you tell me from when will I start living in peace ? Will I be happy once again, like I used to do?

    Please help.

    My husband and I had a love marriage after a courtship of 15 years. I come from a rich, highly educated urban family. My husband's family is economically worse off and his mother is a class /standard 2 dropout i.e. she did not finish even her high school. I am a Ph.D/doctorate degree holder and have topped all board /university exams. My husband's brother, is married and is doing well for himself but is a characterless person, who had bought several women home to have a one night stand by sending his wife away to her mother in law's house, by making excuses like- he would be in a tour so she should not stay alone,etc. Even when his wife was pregnant, he would go out with other women. My husband and I used to live nearby and protested about this to my husband's parents(my in laws) but they have blamed their daughter in law (my husband's brother's wife) and my husband for making it all up. It is very sad but at the end, the brother's wife also turned against us and now praises her husband. The wife is also an uneducated village girl, much younger than me and has started to misbehave with us lately.
    Moreover during her pregnancy, her husband used to come home at night around 1 a.m and avoid her totally. But it was I who used to give her company everyday by going to her place and cooking food for her.

    However, knowig them from the past, my husband warned me not to go to their place. But I did not listen to my husband and went anyway as his brother's wife was pregnant and for humanitarian reasons also I went.
    Even after doing all this, my MIL is not satisfied. She loves his elder son even though he is characterless.My mother in law, who is blind to the misdeeds of my husband's elder brother, has started to blame me and my husband now, saying that we have not done enough for her elder son.

    The in laws never wanted us to get married and had been ill treating me from the beginning. Even though we do not stay with our in laws, they come to our house and then goes to my husband's elder brother's house and says nasty things about me to their son and daughter in law. The daughter in law (my husband's brother's wife) also likes it when the MIL , and my husband's sister gossips about me, as she thinks that the MIL likes her more than me, which to me is ridiculous.
    In order to adjust with them, I followed all their traditional rituals, wearing a Saree 24 hours/even while going to the toilet,etc.,cooking for them, not allowing them to do any chores around the house, etc, I even took long leave from my studies/University to stay with them whenever They visited us.
    The saddest part is that my parents who live only one k.m. away from my in laws, are treated very badly. Even though my parents visit my in laws regularly, my in laws never visit them, NEVER even for a single day !

    The last blow I got was a few months back. My father was hospitalized but no member from my in laws family came to see him, even though they stayed in a nearby flat in the same apartment. I requested them to come. No one except the elder brother came. So I complained to him (unfortunately in a harsh tone) that "why no one, including his wife came to visit us?" Angered by my complaint, the brother called up his mother(my mil) and his sister and said nasty things about me. After a few days, when my father was taken out from the hospital, the in laws came to see us. I said nothing to my in laws, but questioned the brother's wife( who was younger to me ) as to why didn't see come or even not made a single call to me asking about my father's operation ? This angered my MIL, and she along with her DIL, said nasty things to me by pointing fingers at me, saying that I am trying to break up their family. After saying many nasty things to me in front of my ill father and mother, both off them walked out of our house in anger. My husband, who came home later, got to know about this and asked me to clear the air. I went to my in laws place, apologized to them, but they again started to say nasty things to me in my husband's presence.
    Aftersome days, I went to meet my in laws again. In their home, they gave me a cold shoulder and did not speak to me. I came back, but amicably.
    Then I became depressed, and had severe gynecological problems. I started to bleed everyday after some days, I had a miscarriage. My brother in law, his wife although ,they were informed ,never came to see me. My MIL stopped talking with me completely. She did not return my phone calls. They boycotted me for no reason.
    I ask you all only one question -Should anybody be punished so severely for some silly reasons ? I am angry and severely hurt.

    My husband's brother had a child a few days back. I did not go to see them. I am feeling guilty but will never visit them because all the while, I am reminded of the nasty things they said to me and did to me. Till to date, they are saying bad things about me.
    My husband is behaving nicely with me but also with his parents, brothers, etc. because if he questions them, he says, they will again put the blame on me. Fed up with all this, under severe depression, I left my job. I stopped brushing my teeth, taking food, taking bath. My husband wants me to talk to them nicely. I won't and anyway they have stopped talking to/calling me completely. I don't blame my husband too much because he wants to keep all relationships in a good way. But I am hurt and depressed.
    Next week I have an appointment with a psychiatrist.

    Please friends, help me, give me advice.
     
    depressed, Nov 27, 2008
    depressed, Nov 27, 2008
    #1
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  2. Nov 27, 2008 #2
    diya123

    diya123 New IL'ite

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    Reading your post i assume you to be much elder to me, though i have these suggestions

    -- Dont give importance to you in-laws, sis-in-law etc, when they have not treated you properly, you need to get them out of your mind right now, dont waste your time thinking about them or pleasing them, whatever you do they will never appreciate you. Dont expect them to like you, act the way you want not how they want.

    -- take care of your parents and yourself, start working, did you study all these years just to throw away your happines to these people(in-laws) who dont even care about you. good thing is your hubby is on your side, let him talk to them etc,, you say keep distance from them by 'hi' 'hello' thats it.. if you dont want to go see their child dont go its your wish..if your hubby asks why didnt you go, ask him did he ask the same question to his parents when they did not visit your dad.

    -- get a new haircut, new dress, makeover and see how your confidence and interest in life will go up, and you will come out of depression.. watch comedy movies ,, laugh.. n enjoy life.. eat food you love the most.....
     
    diya123, Nov 27, 2008
    diya123, Nov 27, 2008
    #2
  3. Nov 28, 2008 #3
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You have what some Indian women would give their right hand for - an understanding husband and a separate household from in-laws.
    Your cannot control your in-laws and their antics. You can do some simpler things like:

    - Do not worry about BIL or in-laws. Just leave them alone.
    - Focus on your husband and your home and your job.
    - Minimise visits to in-laws. Minimise phone calls or any interactions.
    - who visits whom when they are sick, don't care about these outdated protocols.

    You have two strong points in your favor - an understanding husband and your own independent home. Make these stronger. You are married to your husband, be a unit, and make the unit strong. Let your family and your husband's family handle their problems themselves. They are all adults, and can take care of any insults or disrespects.

    Seek professional help for yourself, focus on your marriage, get back to work if possible, do things with your husband like travel, movies or whatever you both like. if any future problems or issues come up with in-laws, let your husband handle them. stay out of it.

    From your post looks like you are a very smart, thinking, sensitive and emotional person. Take these strengths and use them in your marriage. Just ignore your in-laws. Easier said than done, but needs to be done.
     
    Rihana, Nov 28, 2008
    Rihana, Nov 28, 2008
    #3
  4. Nov 28, 2008 #4
    rosenav

    rosenav Silver IL'ite

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    Take care of your self since you had a miscarriage its difficult you need your energy back first.

    You are a educated person so stop acting like an illiterate pll like you in-laws,You are stronger than that… shake off wat has happened, as you need to be there for parents as your dad is ill. Get your job back.. and get a hobby whatever interests you.. Don’t stop all communications with in-laws but keep them to minimum just to hi hello.. And please no sorry and apologises what so ever to them. in-laws will never be satisfied even if you cut your heart and give them.. some ppl will never changebonk
    Dnt involve in you co-sil married life, just leave it to her and her husband… (trust me with these ppl its like pouring water on ducks back… my maid used to complain abt her husband always to my mom saying he is beating her and when my mom got involved she was acting like he was god and we cant say anything against him, some ppl are just too gavar) so leave her to her Karma. You got more things on your head.

    Ask your husband to stop sitting on the fence.. as its not possible to keep everyone happy and he need to support someone, either you are his parents or at least get the family together and have a matured conversation.

    Most important thing is to have a “I can’t care less Attitude “ and trust me you will be a Happy you once your cant care abt anything but your self , if you are happy , it would reflect in everything that you do. Once your inlaws know that you dnt give any importance to then or they crap they would stop all gossiping… or may be otherwise.. but who cares.

    I dnt want to be rude or offend you, but I so wanted to ask this question.. I mean you have know him for 15yrs .. why did you get yourself into his?? Where you not aware of his family? Or did you think everything will be fine after wedding??

    I’m not the best in offering advise.
    But I have being there and done that üand it worked for me.

    Please take care.
     
    rosenav, Nov 28, 2008
    rosenav, Nov 28, 2008
    #4
  5. Nov 28, 2008 #5
    Riya007

    Riya007 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    First of all, what is with the 'depressed' username?

    I agree with all the ladies' comments over here and let me tell you one thing, nearly everyone here will tell you that they have faced this problem. You are not alone. The severity may be different and how each one reacts may be different.

    With regards to your hubby's brother being characterless etc, I dont think you should bother about it much. It has nothing to do with you'll. His wife chooses to ignore all that has been said and praises him, so leave it at that. Also, as Rihana said, visiting one another when sick etc is all outdated now. They dont visit you, so you dont visit them....end of story.

    Im really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Take care of yourself now and DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF. If they dont speak to you, dont break your head over it. You have to change your thinking girl!!!! Leave them as they are and you carry on doing things you love and which will keep you away from all this. Are you working? Look for a job and maybe engage yourself in activities that will keep you away from thinking about your MIL and SIL. Have you thought of the fact that maybe they are a tad bit jealous of you? If they talk ill about you, it is not the end of the world! There will alway be people who will be jealous of you and talk bad about you, whether at home or at work. Does that mean you should retreat into your shell and ponder over it?? Of course not!!

    Dont expect hubby to stop talking to them. I am saying this through experience. No matter what they do, they are his parents so he will want to be at least in talking terms with them. So you have to stand up on your own and face them. Dont go looking for fights, but if they say nasty things to you, give them back!!!!

    Focus on your marriage, your hubby, your career. These are the most important things in your life right now. Take some time off and go for a vacation with hubby. You'll come back refreshed and a new gal!!

    All the best.

    Love, Riya :thumbsup
     
    Riya007, Nov 28, 2008
    Riya007, Nov 28, 2008
    #5
  6. Nov 28, 2008 #6
    Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Well.. who is punishing whom, lady ? No one is punishing you ! YOU are doing it to YOURSELF !!
    You did your best to maintain a good relationship with all your ' by law ' people ! Sometime during the course of life you expected a little thoughtfulness from them during your dad's ill health .. you said it. Now one cannot throw out frustrations sweetly, can they ??
    You said it a little or more harsh is an over story. You aplogised for whatever too. Matter over !
    You cannot impress and please the whole group all the time !! If they are going to throw tantrums for all that you did since you were born, who cares !!
    Not at the cost of you going to a psychiatrist and unable to do normal things everyday !! I am shocked with all that you went through !!
    Now I do not understand why you feeling guilty about ' not visiting ' the new mother or her baby. I would not expect or even in the weirdest instance suggest you to forget everythng you went through and do a formality visit .. NO..
    If you are reminded of all the nasty things that happened to you then it must have been hard and hence so !
    But one thing I do not understand is.. why on earth are you giving so much importance to all those wonderful people who said nasty things about you.. Your hubby ' can afford ' to maintain a good relationship no matter what because of the fact that he is the son of the family. But asking you to be nice to them is not correct. You have some sense in you and some decisions you took because of incidents you had to face.. Had it been your relatives and parents who said nasty things to your husband.. he would have been still nice to them ? Not really..
    So if you choose to stay away from this group of people who intend to do nothing but spoil your mental peace then be it so !
    ANother thing I do not understand here is... you claim your hubby was nice to you afterall.. then why are you getting into deppression ??
    What do you actually want, dear lady ?? To be in their good books ?? Why cant you give some importance to your ownself ?
    You said you supported your SIL while she was pregnant and still that lady said nasty things about you. Your MIL dislikes you for whatever reason..
    And you still want them to love you and be good to you ?
    You are just spoiling things for yourself.. You will have to draw a line between many relationships. As far as your hubby is suportive.. just leave it at that. PERIOD !
    Get yourself back to how you were and then think clear. You will soon realise who is worth your love and attention !!
    Do not get so stressed and give undue importance to meaningless things in life.
    Your life is much much more worth than all the nonsense you have been through ! So time to take a break and stay away from NUISANCE !
    Let your hubby be himself to his family and so will you to them ! You do not force him to behave otherwise isnt ? Then he mus'nt expect you to behave nice to them respite all the BS you went through !
    Visit your Psychiatrist and pull yourself out of this present situation soon !!

    Start Life Fresh !!

    All of us here , WISH YOU FROM HEART !
     
    Drpreethis, Nov 28, 2008
    Drpreethis, Nov 28, 2008
    #6
  7. Nov 28, 2008 #7
    depressed

    depressed Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    Thank you for your support and advice. All of you- (Diya, Rihana, Rosenav, Riya, Drpreethis, etc.) have given me strength to carry on life.


    Dear Rosenav,

    Thank you for your understanding and help. As far as your question is concerned, my answer is that you are right on the second point and that is : Even though I was aware of his family, I thought and even assured my husband that once my in laws get to know me well, after the wedding,everything will be fine.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2008
    depressed, Nov 28, 2008
    depressed, Nov 28, 2008
    #7
  8. Nov 28, 2008 #8
    Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Depressed!
    Dont always be depressed with some silly reasons.
    Comeon' you are so much educated but very weak at heart. you must be strong. Ask you hubby to comeout from the family if at all he wants you to be a wife.
    Dont bother about family members always, if they are not supporting you, why do u want to patchup iwth them??Instead concentrate on yoru career.If you hubby says no, comeout and live yourself. If yoru hubby realsises that no mistake from your side, definitely he comes to your rescue. But done be depressed.
    Life is short. But in this shortspan, we happened to meet people with different mindsets in the form of family,husband,friends,managers,collegues etc. Just start loving yourself. Go for shopping, buy a new dress and accessories. wear it and enjoy your success over your family memebers by avoding them. THey should start thinking about you that what's fishy going around yo u.....
    Be positive towards life. Do meditation and Yoga. Listen to good music.
    Do whatever thing, which gives positive energy to your life.
    Leave ppl who misbehaves with you, Dont ever trust anybody aroudn you.
     
    Priya_Mommy, Nov 28, 2008
    Priya_Mommy, Nov 28, 2008
    #8
  9. Nov 28, 2008 #9
    sonu1973

    sonu1973 New IL'ite

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    Dear Depressed

    It was sad to read ur story as u have bent over backwards to please ur inlaws and yet once again they have made us DILs beleive that they will always remain inlaws....

    My advice to you is to forget about them (i mean u can never forget them as they will always be a part of ur life) but dont focus on them to much...if they dont like u now they will never like u so why waste ur time trying to please them and make them like you...

    Such people never change....people do say that life is short but when u think about it its not...as on average we live till we are atleast 65-75 so that is a long life but why to spend the rest of our lifes worrying about people who just want to cause our lives a misery...

    Its true that dh's will never stop talking to their parents no matter what they do to us but the main thing is that he does not torture u over the problem and realises that it is their fault and does not force u to do anything u dont want to do....

    Be happy...look on the positive side ur dh is on ur side....go out there and get a job....have a makeover done, treat urself....make urself feel good and u will soon realise that these people are just not worth us going into depression about...

    My dh is the same he realises its his parents fault but still remains talking to them which is right aswell as they are his parents at the end of the day...but he does not force me to speak to them or call them after all that they have done to me...and u know i am alot happier as i just get on with my 2 kids and am due to go back to work in Jan so will not have time to think about them at all...

    Try not to let them take over our lifes as that is what they are good at...Its hard but be strong and stick up for urself..if ur inlaws say 1 thing to you, you till them 2, try to be 1 step ahead of them..that way they will realise that u will not be treated like this...

    Let ur dh do what he wants with them dont stop him but u also do what u want to...U are married to him...but nobody owns u....We girls are married into the family not sold to them so we do have a right to speak up...Wrong are those people who think we have to abide with what they say and do....

    Good luck and all the best:thumbsup
     
    sonu1973, Nov 28, 2008
    sonu1973, Nov 28, 2008
    #9
  10. Nov 29, 2008 #10
    rosenav

    rosenav Silver IL'ite

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    I understand ... neways please take care get yourself together, and time to kick sum butt now:thumbsup take a break for couple of days with your hubby.. just dnt care abt your in-laws... once your attitude changes .. you will be happy.
     
    rosenav, Nov 29, 2008
    rosenav, Nov 29, 2008
    #10
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