problem with sis in law....

Hi all,
I am a new member to this forum. I ve been regularly reading almost all the threads in this forum..... very nice forum indeed......... i wanted to share my problem.. and hear some suggestions from u all.......

I am a newly married girl settled in chennai.... just 5 months since marriage...... my problem is with my unmarried sis n law....... she is doing her final year ....... she has a big attitude problem..... when ever people try to praise me for anything i do she grows jealous...... she enjoys poking her nose in all matters no matter whoever speaks of whatever topic.... i somehow feel she is not behaving like a college going girl...... all that she does reminds me of staying with a much elder person.... say of 40-50 years..... the biggest problem is even me and my husband are not able to sit and talk of the day to day activities going on in our offices personally..... she always makes it a point to come and sit between us or ask me in person what we were talking..... this kind of stuff irritates me a lot........ why shud i tel her what ever is personal between me and my husband........

Another issue is that.... she uses all my personal belongings without my permission...... say eyeliners, lipsticks...... clothes...... i dont like people touching my things without even having the courtesy of asking me..... to take..... even the jewels which my mom gave me are in the same position.... I ve always made it a point to buy similar things which i buy for myself to her also... i dont understand y she is more particular in my things only.... how can i use the same things such as liners and lipsticks after she uses them.... i dont really understand how handle this issue..... please help......

Dear rohini santhosh,
I don't know whether I can advice you on this issue as i am unmarried.But any way i think we can share good things with anybody irrespective of age,gender,marital relationship.Your problem is a very common problem which is faced by many newly married girls right from olden days.Instead of brooding over it why don't you take some steps (alternatives)from your side.Coming to the first point you said (she gets jealous when some one praised you.)I think you and your sister in law are more or less of the same age.So this highly an EGO problem among equal age groups.But this happens only among girls.Definitely not among men(I am able to view theexpression in every one's faces).Just as in schools and colleges there is a competition betn a first and second rank student. Nobody can deny this fact because everybody have ego and competition in their mind.(only there are variations from 0% to 100%)).I think your sister in law possesses higher than others that is the problem.For that you cannot do any thing ,only time must answer you(I am not discouraging you I am telling the fact).She will definitely get matured when she grow older and older.Please dont give up your individuality at the same time see to it that you don't make it as a big issue for little things.(One universal truth which you must accept is compared to daughter and daughter-in-law the expectations will be more from daughter-in-law you cannot argue for this ). but one important thing i must tell you is whether or if you have not responded to her actions please do it immediately.Some gets tensed and angry when there is no reaction and proper response.So this keeps reflecting for some other unwanted problem.if you are elder than her i think you can handle this better.You note this point.she feels you are the direct rival.Analyse why this happens?Whether the same thing holds good with your husband or mother in law.Definitely the answer is no.Because they are not complaining this problem. They know her right from her childhood .They are accepting her.you are not able to accept her.If you consider the psychological point of view she has been knowing her brother for the past 20 years(whatever).So suddenly when someone(even wife) comes to share that affection she is unable to accept immediately,the result of which is shown as you mentioned.Any way I would suggest some ways to tackle the problem.
1)you have mentioned she enjoys poking her nose in all matters no matter whoever speaks of whatever topic..This is her childhood habit.Think practically how is it possible to change.definitely if you start telling her that it is wrong it will surely end up in unnecessary arguements atlast you will loose your peace of mind.Every man and women have plus and minus.So ignore it and carry on with your work.

2)She disturbs your privacy.Surely this is intolerable.You can handle this by telling your mother in law ( in a soft and diplomatic way) and make her understand the difference between her married and unmarried brother.

3)As you said she uses your belongings though you are buying separately for her.This is also a reflection of her anger on you.Tell her that "in hygienic point of view it is not good"

4)To conclude i say that be balanced don't ever go to the two extremes of life.Be friendly with her.At the same time make her understand her limitations(without hurting her).You said (why shud i tel her what ever is personal between me and my husband.......).Please don't be so rude (Don't take this as an advice but as a suggestion )that after all she is the sister of your husband.You can even say this to your husband and try to convince him.( Don't speak angrily as angriness in this issue adds fuel to the already burning fire).This seems cinematic but still i am saying this cinematic dialogue"Think her as a sister rather than sister in law".This helps matters a lot.

Its me
BhargaviChakravarthy

its better u try this way instead of grumbling on wots going around u try to praise ur sis in lw for wotever she does remember u can bowl every one wht ur praises and ur newly married hence everyone keeps an eye on u wotever u tlk wud be great for one person while other wudnt appreciate it...
tough time though take up as a challenge see in ur own family if u have sisters /brothers everyones ideas dont match and u keep on either commenting or scolding one another ..
if she uses ur personal belongings jst think if its ur own sis wot u wud do?
if u cant share wht her say her tht but if its ur sis u cud do tht but not wht ur sis in lw isnt it ... so b4 she uses them u offer them ... shes only a few days here until she gets married isnt it if u start getting irritated this wud go a long way ..
try to be friendly wht her .. and share ur personal feelings b4 she asks ...
;) think over maybe ur attitude needs to have a change.. bcz ur too possesive its natural but u need to share and care too..
gud luck...

Dear Bhargavi and Radha,


Thanks a lot for your suggestions....... I ve already tried out all that u hav mentioned........ it does not works....... but i still thank u both for being there for me..........

Regards,
Rohini

Dear Radha,
it is really a very delicate situation. What would you do if it was your sister? You would naturally share your personal things with her, tell her all that happens (well, almost) and would not find it difficult to include her in your outings and talks- am I right?
Think of her as your sister. Include her in your talks voluntarily and after sometime she will get tired of that and will go away. Also, you could try using her things for a change, she may then realise the difficulty. Just take them, if you do not want to use them for health reasons. Also, ask her opinion before she gives it and then she will realise that her leg is being pulled.
She is behaving such way because she is feeling threatened by the importance you are getting now. Also, when she asks about what is going on between her and her brother, say that she will know when she is also married-it is improper to talk all those to a unmarried girl.
You could try a best way, when she comes and sits between you and your hubby, get up and sit on the other side of your hubby. Actually, even a child should not be between its parents when prostrating before God or any elders, it should be on the side of any parent.
Or try to act as if you both are in romantic mood when she comes, she may feel shy and go off.
I hope I have been of help, without hurting you sil also. We are 5 sils in a family of 3 brothers and we even plot to send our brothers alone with their wives, even when they both insist that we accompany them.

dear varloo
it shd be dear rohini ;)
yes i do feel my sil( bros wife) as my own sister maybe more closer than my own sisters i share wth her most delicate matters also bcz wer of same age manytimes i feel my hus dosent have a sister so i feel so bad ki in my inlws place i have no friend... try to open up a little rohini and give space to urslf and others also ur life wud be wonderful
:)

Hai Radha,
you are right, we should adjust to the place we shifted after marriage and slowly they all will change for us too.

Dear Rohini,

Reading your personal experience, I think its a common and most natural problem that a girl faces at her in-laws place. The core issue with your sister-in-law is that she is afraid that she might loose her importance and attention from her own family members due to your arrival and also you're saying she is in her college, that means she is still in her adolense and yet to understand life with matured outlook..She is behaving like a adament grown-up kid. the best way to handle her is to go in her way and tune her.

Your sister-n-law activities seems to be straight-forward and not behind your back, so you're better off in a way. It's easier to handle outspoken characters like these than hypocrites.

Its natural any girl would love to have privacy with her husband, if you feel your privy is intervened by ur S-I-L, do one thing, if you're a working women, Use the office hours in between to discuss most personal matters with your hubby over phone and have general discussions at home with him, with your S-I-L as the audience. if u r a house wife, once u both goto bed then open up the most private topics with him , that way ur S-I-L wont feel left out..It takes time for a girl at her in-law's place to gain the same prominance as that of the daughter of the house. It may happen or may not..In any case, accept the reality and the varying level of acceptence your in-law's have on you, with a smile. Finally, all that matters most to u is how your husband feels about you. !

As other ILites have suggested, u take initiatives and talk to her, involve her in all your activities. Willingly share your belongings with her. Understand one thing Rohini, Don't seggregate your belongings as Yours. That attitude is slow-poisoning..over a period of time, it would extend its hands to even relationships and it would lead to possessiveness and hatred and big fights later with others in your home. Instead, tell to yourself all that I have belongs to US - which includes your M-I-L , F-I-L, S-I-L and your husband. U wont feel bad about ur S-I-L then using your belongings...Slowly, when she starts seeing you not discreminating between hers and yours (possession wise), she will also gradually reciprocate your gestures..Patience and Tolerance is the only key towards succeeding in handling your sister-in-law. If you have a kid, who is adament the way your S-I-L is , will you get fed up of it, No right ? Treat your S-I-L more as your sister and u first close the big gap you have between the two. Automatically, her side of the lapse will be filled in course of time.

All the best to you in handling your S-I-L in a more matured and wise way.

Love,
Preethi

Hi,

I have a similar ituation as yours but we(me and my husband)are not with in-laws due to my husband´s job.

I guess,every girl is kind of possessive to her brother and it is always hard for her to accept a new person in her brother´s life.
Your husband´s attention is now towards you and this is hard to digest for her.This may the underlying issue.

Now,it will take time for her and you to come into terms with the situation.
What others have said seems to be quite good suggestion.you try them even if they dont work.It will work someday.

Meanwhile,since it is important that you have quaity time with your husband as well,try these-

1.You can both meet for lunch,if your offices are nearby.
2.Talk to each other o phone,while in office.A small talk of 10 minutes a day also helps.
3.If,there are things that have to discussed urgently(there cud be many,like maing over from you last fight,etc),meet for a cup of cofee after office,and get it resolved.

So,end of the day,you wont be eager to speak to your husband as soon as you get home.You can disscuss other things just before going to bed.

The other things will fall in place with time.
This is as per my personal experience.

If possible,try to put yourself in the shoes of your sil.This will make things easier to undersatnd for you.

Hope this was useful to you.

[quote=Rohini Santhosh;30870]Hi all,

I think you should keep quite on this matter. Let your husband realise and speak to him. B'cos if you started responding, you will spoil your image. So better to keep quite. Moreover, you cannot teach her, she will realise only after her marriage. So you have some patience in this matter. You are newly married, only concentrate on your duties & make your positive approach in your in-laws. It will definitley pay you in a long run. B'cos nobody will take your side at this moment. So better to have patience and just think positive only, try to spend more time with your husband and never tell anything negative about her sis-in-law. Just ignore, as she is not yet matured.

I am sure, it will definitely pay you in a long way and your sis-in-law will also realise the same after her marriage.

wish you all the best, take care

Shivani