Guys, take a break

clapWell said,sonalie

 

Sonalie

Awesome.. I wish there were more people like you writing.. excellent.
I have nominated your thread for the Finest Post nomination.
Do keep writing..

 

Well said, I hope women get the message....

 

first of all, good to hear that you and your familiy's life is back on track.

Wish you and your family loads of luck and laughter in life!

Well said Sonalie.
Its no offense to anyone but I feel there are women who have a pre notion that In laws place is not their house. MIL can never be like her own mother. SIL,BIL all are not her own relatives. When I got hrough many posts, I do realize that if her own parents coem and stay, they do not have much of problems but if in laws are coming to stay with them, its a mindset which has been framed that they will create issues and troubles.

What I feel, life is a name of settlements.Why should not we give a try to make everyhthing in place without any preconcieved notions. Because if we already frame a mindset and have some pre concieved notions, it becomes very difficult to break that and accept the in -laws.Until and unless we accept them as a family, we can't expect them to change...

In every household, there are issues.It depends on all of us, how we tackle.


Anshu

 

Hey Sonalie,

Very well said!!! I wanted to say this from a long time J happy to know that things are improving at your end.

When I posted my problem first in this forum, I was soooo guilty if I would be accused by many here for being mean. My MIL is also a typical lady who is way too possessive about her son. And my hubby too is very protective about his mom’s wrong doings. But I never cared. I just posted my problem to come to an understanding about how I must take steps to ensure my health and that’s it. I never even gave way to this thought that I would never have my mil back in my house. Yes, I know she is difficult to handle, yet she is my husband’s mommy!!! She brought him up!!

I too was surprised to see few ladies here, who justify their act of keeping their in laws away forever. I do accept that there are indeed very cruel extremists as in laws. But leaving aside those few, it has become a general notion that everyone’s MIL, FIL and SIL are like that. I came across a post where this lady got tensed over her in laws coming to stay and failed to enjoy the beautiful life around her.

For those few ladies out there :

Every girl does so many sacrifices and has lots of dreams when she steps into her in law’s home with her husband. Many get disappointed but others realize their dreams and are happy!! But on the other hand, one has to also understand that there is an equal amount of truth hidden on the other side as well.

Every MIL, FIL were young couple like us once. They went through everything that we go through today too, in fact in a more cruel way possible. But they also went through another face which we are either in the process of going through or haven’t entered at all. Giving birth to kids and raising them with lots of care, commitments, and sacrifices. Sacrifices way beyond what we do while entering into in laws!! They have mothered, nourished and have brought up their son.

Today when they see their son become close to another individual and slowly get away from them emotionally and financially, won’t it be in their nature to feel possessive about them? Being old and fragile would add on to that feeling of insecurity!! These would make them think in cruel ways sometimes!! But when they realize one day that we are not there to take away their son from them but only to join with them as a family, then life would turn paradise.

Each one of us needs to understand that we don’t see our MILs as our moms; likewise it’s natural that they don’t see us as their daughters. Neither can we become one too.

Mother – Daughter relationship cannot be acquired. It is always born and brought up!!! So let’s realize these and live a life understanding and accepting everything and everyone around us as they are. Even a criminal is given a second chance in a hope to realize his mistakes, then why cannot we give our hubby’s mother and father that chance? Why keep them away just because they did some stupidity once upon a time out of possessiveness. It is ok to punish them for a while, but why forever??

As a wife, if we have all rights to live with our husbands, then as a mother and father, they have their equal rights to live with them too. I saw someone talk about Indian culture to take care of their parents. Why bring culture in between, be it Indian or American or African, every mother raises her son with umpteen number of sacrifices in her life, and now when she is fragile and old, it is the duty of the son to take care of her not only financially but mentally and morally!!! Trust me when I say, all a parent expect from their son in their old age is a word of comfort to mean that they are just a call away to take care of them. Saying so, I don’t mean that we should undergo all the torture that they do. We won’t get a second life, so we need not put up with those, but handle them in the most cleverest way possible. Nothing is impossible. By separating our husbands from their parents, are we not making their fears come true?

I am realizing this truth someone someday said, “Woman is her own Enemy!!!” We are young, so we are daughters and DILs today. Tomorrow we will also grow old, and become MILs and Mothers. Our MILs today would have been worrying about the same things from their MILs those days. Let’s only learn from our MILs today and make sure not to repeat these to our daughter in laws in the future.

I’m extremely sorry if I had hurt anyone in any form:bowdown. Just felt it my duty to convey certain things in this forum.

Luv,
Tan

 

Hi Sona,

I must appreciate you for your frankness, but dear dont you feel that there may be genuine cases out there who face a lot of troubles from inlaws . I also agree that some people just brood about their situation and also that some DILs take advantage of the general sympathy that has been created in the society for the DILs....

I agree to 70 percent of what you said.

I hope you agree that MILs are supposed to be more mature and behaved than the DILs. But it so happens in most cases that MIL turns childish after the son gets married, and blames DIL for all the changes that she can see in her son.....

I would say there is an adjustment time for these relations. And with time both sides or parties have to get matured and must learn to grow in a relationship. This adjustment time is what differs from case to case.

I must say that I hardly visit this forum and I hardly post here. It is because I am still trying to understand my MIL, SIL and my DH. I am not qualified to advice anyone here and I just try to understand their situation and move on, and if possible learn something good( if it is there).

My last word is this: The appreciation has to be on both sides....be it DIL, MIL, FIL or any IL. There is so much EVIL in the world....so why waste time analyzing that, instead see and encourage the GOOD, and spend time with the GOOD for the GOOD.

Regards,
Yamuna.

 

Sonalie and others (esp Tan),

Very well said ! I echo your thoughts too, and am following this in every step. I treat my Inlaws like my own parents, and I want my husband to treat them like how I would want my brother to treat my parents. no doubt !

I guess the nature with most humans is designed in such a way that, be it, a wise & old Parents-in-law or younger SIL/BIL/co-sisters.. if they are from different families, there are just not going to understand each other.

To me, I have no grudges against my inlaws, they are possibly one of the best set of ppl I know. They have their short comings too that are affecting me to a great extent, but I have made manageable adjustments to my life and behavior in order to maintain harmony at home & to make my hubb & his family happy. I listen to them, I follow their instructions, I get them gifts, I talk to them even about things that I dont hv to talk to them about, I insist to my hubb we take them out in every weekend/vacation outing we go just so they dont alone, I remember their important dates, I let my kid spend lot of play time with them, I dont involve myself in any money matters (my hubb does the entire family expense, and I really feel its his duty), I respect them from the bottom of my heart.. there are so many... day after day I do make lot of compromises because they are good otherwise and I would not want those small issues to hurt the otherwise-good people.

But.. my genuine intentions are mostly not understood. Finding fault is one of the best pasttimes they hv. I just let them be whatever they want to be. I see every problem at home as a passing cloud, and i try to forget it as soon as it is gone. Otherwise my heart gets heavy and I felt my innocence was fading away with every day that passed.

We get so many benefits in return, just like they do.. someone to take care of my kid at home (though i hv creche at my workplace premises itself), some elderly ppl at home who can guide us with tough decisions, someone to share the home management, many such. All the more, I can't imagine my kids going away from me physically/mentally after I get older. So I wouldn't want that to happen even to anyone unknown... leave alone my inlaws.

 

Why in-laws alone, Asha! As I grow old and my parents grow older, we can't understand each other as well. I must say here what my SIL remarked when she visited us. She said as we all get into our own family, life our siblings, whom we think we know very well, are no longer the same. She told me I understand her brother better than herself. How true! It's just that because they are our own blood, we put aside our ego and make truce. But because they are in-laws it doesn't happen that easily... my 2 cents

Latha

 

Very true Latha. It just happens. Sometimes I feel why ever we hv to grow old and face all this...